At last! A no-nonsense, entertaining, and insightful book for dads and daughters who want more from their relationship--or who want to understand and rebuild it on an adult level. Dr. Linda Nielsen addresses the questions that daughters and dads regularly ask her--and a lot more. Based on two decades of work with hundreds of dads and daughters, BETWEEN FATHERS AND DAUGHTERS summarizes cutting-edge research in clear language and offers compelling stories about real people--including well-known celebrities. With candor and humor, BETWEEN FATHERS AND DAUGHTERS exposes the half-truths, downright lies, and family dynamics that prevent so many dads and daughters from having a more relaxed, more meaningful, more communicative relationship, regardless of age. Explaining why most daughter-dad relationships haven't reached their full potential or have unraveled, Nielsen provides hope as she shows fathers and daughters how to make changes now!
Between Fathers and Daughters
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Editorial Reviews
From the Publisher
ENDORSEMENTS:
"The only word that consistently went through my mind as I was reading was 'remarkable!' The book is amazing -- thoughtfully weaving research findings, common sense advice, principles of psychotherapy and personal stories into a compelling work that has immense promise to alleviate the weight and pain of daughters being estranged from their fathers. Presuming to speak on behalf of the fathers to whom you will restore the great gift of their daughters, thank you!" --Dr. Sanford Braver, Arizona State University, author of Divorced Dads: Shattering the Myths, and advisor to President Bill Clinton's Father Initiative
"Nielsen's book breaks new ground by including men as significant parents. Helpful for more than their financial contribution to their children, fathers must not only be permitted but encouraged toward a role beyond the stranger who signs the checks. So I say, 'read this book!'" --Karen DeCrow, attorney, former president of the National Organization of Women
"To say we love without knowing what we are loving is a wasted life. To discover our dad's or our daughter's love is to both discover them and ourselves. Nielsen's book guides us to both by data that makes us question what we know; by insights that help us discover what we don't know; and questionnaires that help us stumble into ourselves. Every dad and daughter must read it." --Warren Farrell, author of Father & Child Reunion and Why Men Are the Way They Are
"Dr. Nielsen brilliantly brings home the facts about what really happens in families of divorce and offers practical solutions. It masterfully separates fact from fiction and exposes the secret and hidden realities for many moms, dads, and daughters involved in divorce. Understanding, compassion, and healing are inevitable for readers. Research and real life stories are combined with interesting and thought-provoking quizzes and self tests. Dr. Nielsen masterfully uses this combination to unlock the secret and well-hidden realities of what really happens in divorce. Her practical insights and recommendations will bring understanding and healing for all who dare to look." --Maureen Geddes and Bob McGuire, attorneys, co-presidents of Canadian Equal Parenting Council
"A tour de force in the under-explored area of father-daughter relationships, Dr. Nielsen's 25 years of research provide a masterful handbook written in a disarmingly casual conversational style. With 200 heavy-duty citations to also entice the academic community, a lovely blend of anecdotal stories, crisp statistical summaries, and handy self-test quizzes, the author clearly understands communication. The chapter on divorced father-daughter relationships is superb and worth the price of the book alone. This one is a keeper--both as a dad's how-to manual on daughters, and a daughter's what-makes-Dad-tick reference guide." --Canadian Equal Parenting Council
"This is a hugely important book about a hugely important topic: healing the relationship between fathers and daughters. Professor Nielsen writes with more wisdom, experience, and care about this than anyone else out there. If you are a father or a daughter, or someone who cares about a daughter and father, get this book!" --Joshua Coleman, Ph.D., senior fellow, Council on Contemporary Families and author of When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Children Don't Get Along
"Dr. Linda Nielsen is at the vanguard of educators and authors who know that the relationship between daughters and fathers is fundamental and critical to the development of whole, healthy women. Her book offers insights and practical advice for daughters and fathers. Nielsen's work deserves our unending gratitude." --Jonetta Rose Barras, columnist, political analyst, and author of Whatever Happened to Daddy's Little Girl: The Impact of Fatherlessness on Black Women
"Girls with loving, involved fathers flourish and become strong, secure women. Based on years of experience and research, Dr. Linda Nielsen tells fathers and daughters, in any family situation, how to nurture this core relationship." --Elizabeth Marquadt, Institute of American Values, author of Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce
"Linda Nielsen's Between Fathers and Daughters is an insightful, powerful work which gets beyond the stereotypes to provide a real-world examination of a tremendously underrated relationship--the loving, special bonds fathers share with their daughters." --Glenn Sacks, men's columnist and radio host of His Side
"Nielsen identifies the fears, hurts, and anger that separate fathers and daughters and--more important--she gives powerful tools to move beyond the past. Drawing on her extensive knowledge and expertise, Nielsen shows you how to reconnect, repair, and recapture a loving relationship. Stop feel sorry for yourself, stop feeling angry, get moving before it is too late with Nielsen's expert advice." --Richard A. Warshak, Ph.D., author of Divorce Poison: Protecting the Parent-Child Bond from a Vindictive Ex
About the Author
Dr. Linda Nielsen is a professor of Adolescent and Educational Psychology at Wake Forest University in Winston Salem, NC. A nationally recognized expert on father-daughter relationships with a special focus on shared parenting for children of divorce, she teaches the only college course in the country devoted exclusively to father-daughter relationships. Her work has been featured in newspapers and magazines nationwide, as well as in a PBS documentary and on NPR. Her fifth and newest book, Father-Daughter Relationships: Contemporary Research & Issues (Routledge, 2012) is designed for college students and for professionals working with families and in family courts.
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Customer Reviews
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
17 of 19 people found the following review helpful
By M. Burton
Format:Paperback
There is no dearth of books on the market regarding father/daughter relationships; some are directed to the new father, some to the wounded adult daughter and many go beyond Freud's envious theories (useless now in this post-pill society). Considering the number of footnotes in the text, Dr. Nielsen has read many of them and sought to collect and more cleanly illustrate the information contained within. As one progresses through the chapters, she tries not only to heal the parent/child relationship, but also works to explain how the now adult daughter interacts with the men in her life.
The most important facet of building this new relationship seems to be overcoming the stereotypes and myths that have been perpetuated by the media. Again, we turn to the footnotes, a compilation of studies and numbers that swiftly brush aside the false notions that get us to not get along with Dad. There are also bullet points and insets that work to better illustrate the reality of these father/daughter relationships.
Dr. Nielsen places a great share of responsibility on the shoulders of the daughter. This stands to reason, considering it is most likely the daughter reading this book. I know that I'm reading it because Dad asked me if I would so I could let him know what I thought of it. I do not know if he has read the book himself, but we'll overlook the irony of reading a self-help book for someone else at the moment. The point here is, it is more likely the daughter who will be picking up this text and doing the exercises. It is the daughter who will be trying to repair the relationship or trying to repair something in herself or her relationship with other men or whatever. This is, of course, my opinion, based on the web-sense ads that amazon.com has placed at the bottom of the page for the book: namely shoes, slim-fast, chocolate, tampons, and gossip magazines.
What I cannot escape while reading this book is a sense of desperation. It seems to scream from the pages, "stop judging your father!" or, "your mother is to blame as well!" or, "this is why you are miserable!" and this may be part of why I am not the best person to review a self-help book. It does not matter what you read in a book; you have to do these things on your own or nothing is going to come of it. Granted, Dr. Nielsen's book does give one new ways of looking at things, but unless one is willing to make these changes in perspective oneself, it's a moot point. Reading it on a page is not going to have the same impact as coming to the conclusion yourself.
The first four chapters are frightfully dull if you're not going through this process for the first time. The introduction is the kind of feel-good pablum that will only serve to rob future generations of another Sylvia Plath. I find the allegory of the babies in the river especially telling, but only because that's a mother/son dynamic and it was the daughter of a powerful man who found the baby Moses. I don't know why that sticks out in my head, but it does.
It's not until the second half of the book that the ball really gets rolling. Chapter Five goes into the touchy subject of money and how some fathers are not to be regarded as the First Bank of Pop. By the same respect, it also asks us to be adults and understand why dad might have been a little "stingy" about financial matters. Chapter Six takes a close look at how the relationship with the mother can effect--for good or bad--the relationship with the father.
It's in Chapter Seven that we get to the most important section of the book: divorce and remarriage. This chapter is a stand-alone that should be handed to a father the day he divorces--before the daughter grows up to be a strange and bitter woman who reads self-help books. It is probably the best reason for any dad to read the book and may help save everyone a lot of counseling later on in life. See Chapter Five on why that may be important.
The exercises presented in the book should be pulled out and included as a separate booklet--two if need be. As they are now, they disrupt the flow of reading. Boxes filled with statistics and stereotypes could be laid out better and not repeat themselves. While reading the book, these S&S boxes feel like a Power-Point presentation at some seminar (or a Saturday afternoon's programming on PBS during Pledge Week).
The amount of information is simply bludgeoning and may overwhelm the casual reader who is looking more to repair her relationship, not write a term-paper on the subject. One gets the feeling that the author is trying to impress you with the fact that yes, she really does know what she's talking about.
Another mild problem I have with the footnotes is they are really endnotes. Sure, it makes the page layout a little easier to go through and you can skip this extra data if you like, but if you're the type that likes to check the sources, flipping to and forth to the back of the book is a little wearisome. This is most problematic with repeating data sources. Dealing with hyper-text and tabbed browsing has made me a bit lazy on this front.
All in all, once one gets past the first few chapters of throat-clearing, Between Fathers & Daughters becomes a worthwhile read. It's short enough to go through over a weekend and the various quizzes might help start a dialog. At the very least, it will get you to think about the relationship and that's better than any amount of chocolate or a new pair of shoes will ever do.
The most important facet of building this new relationship seems to be overcoming the stereotypes and myths that have been perpetuated by the media. Again, we turn to the footnotes, a compilation of studies and numbers that swiftly brush aside the false notions that get us to not get along with Dad. There are also bullet points and insets that work to better illustrate the reality of these father/daughter relationships.
Dr. Nielsen places a great share of responsibility on the shoulders of the daughter. This stands to reason, considering it is most likely the daughter reading this book. I know that I'm reading it because Dad asked me if I would so I could let him know what I thought of it. I do not know if he has read the book himself, but we'll overlook the irony of reading a self-help book for someone else at the moment. The point here is, it is more likely the daughter who will be picking up this text and doing the exercises. It is the daughter who will be trying to repair the relationship or trying to repair something in herself or her relationship with other men or whatever. This is, of course, my opinion, based on the web-sense ads that amazon.com has placed at the bottom of the page for the book: namely shoes, slim-fast, chocolate, tampons, and gossip magazines.
What I cannot escape while reading this book is a sense of desperation. It seems to scream from the pages, "stop judging your father!" or, "your mother is to blame as well!" or, "this is why you are miserable!" and this may be part of why I am not the best person to review a self-help book. It does not matter what you read in a book; you have to do these things on your own or nothing is going to come of it. Granted, Dr. Nielsen's book does give one new ways of looking at things, but unless one is willing to make these changes in perspective oneself, it's a moot point. Reading it on a page is not going to have the same impact as coming to the conclusion yourself.
The first four chapters are frightfully dull if you're not going through this process for the first time. The introduction is the kind of feel-good pablum that will only serve to rob future generations of another Sylvia Plath. I find the allegory of the babies in the river especially telling, but only because that's a mother/son dynamic and it was the daughter of a powerful man who found the baby Moses. I don't know why that sticks out in my head, but it does.
It's not until the second half of the book that the ball really gets rolling. Chapter Five goes into the touchy subject of money and how some fathers are not to be regarded as the First Bank of Pop. By the same respect, it also asks us to be adults and understand why dad might have been a little "stingy" about financial matters. Chapter Six takes a close look at how the relationship with the mother can effect--for good or bad--the relationship with the father.
It's in Chapter Seven that we get to the most important section of the book: divorce and remarriage. This chapter is a stand-alone that should be handed to a father the day he divorces--before the daughter grows up to be a strange and bitter woman who reads self-help books. It is probably the best reason for any dad to read the book and may help save everyone a lot of counseling later on in life. See Chapter Five on why that may be important.
The exercises presented in the book should be pulled out and included as a separate booklet--two if need be. As they are now, they disrupt the flow of reading. Boxes filled with statistics and stereotypes could be laid out better and not repeat themselves. While reading the book, these S&S boxes feel like a Power-Point presentation at some seminar (or a Saturday afternoon's programming on PBS during Pledge Week).
The amount of information is simply bludgeoning and may overwhelm the casual reader who is looking more to repair her relationship, not write a term-paper on the subject. One gets the feeling that the author is trying to impress you with the fact that yes, she really does know what she's talking about.
Another mild problem I have with the footnotes is they are really endnotes. Sure, it makes the page layout a little easier to go through and you can skip this extra data if you like, but if you're the type that likes to check the sources, flipping to and forth to the back of the book is a little wearisome. This is most problematic with repeating data sources. Dealing with hyper-text and tabbed browsing has made me a bit lazy on this front.
All in all, once one gets past the first few chapters of throat-clearing, Between Fathers & Daughters becomes a worthwhile read. It's short enough to go through over a weekend and the various quizzes might help start a dialog. At the very least, it will get you to think about the relationship and that's better than any amount of chocolate or a new pair of shoes will ever do.
9 of 10 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars
Exposing Harmful Beliefs and Improving Connections Between Dads and Adult Daughters
October 10, 2008
Format:Paperback
Based on the results I've gotten, Between Fathers & Daughters is the most helpful book I've read in 2008. I highly recommend it.
I am a dad so I have to write about this book from my perspective in that role. One day my daughter was following me everywhere I went, smiling as she trotted along, and filled with joy. Then suddenly I had an adult daughter who seemed highly skeptical about my motives, preferred not to spend much time with me, and didn't find much to please her. How did that happen? I wasn't sure, but I certainly wanted it to change.
I found Dr. Nielsen's book to be very valuable for helping me understand where I was going wrong. I must have seemed as weird to my daughter as my parents did to me.
Trying the advice, I found that the rift rapidly began to close, and we started to enjoy one another's company again. I'm sold.
Dr. Nielsen draws on her experience in teaching a course on this subject. As a result, she has a number of quizzes where you can check out your attitudes and behavior. I found those to be very revealing.
The book is designed to be answered by fathers and daughters together. I didn't try that, but if your daughter is willing . . . go for it. I think it would work well.
The book also made me more sensitive to the ways that others condition my daughter's relationship with me through their beliefs and actions. I didn't try to change anything in that regard, but being more aware of the issue has helped me to choose better things to say and do.
I am a dad so I have to write about this book from my perspective in that role. One day my daughter was following me everywhere I went, smiling as she trotted along, and filled with joy. Then suddenly I had an adult daughter who seemed highly skeptical about my motives, preferred not to spend much time with me, and didn't find much to please her. How did that happen? I wasn't sure, but I certainly wanted it to change.
I found Dr. Nielsen's book to be very valuable for helping me understand where I was going wrong. I must have seemed as weird to my daughter as my parents did to me.
Trying the advice, I found that the rift rapidly began to close, and we started to enjoy one another's company again. I'm sold.
Dr. Nielsen draws on her experience in teaching a course on this subject. As a result, she has a number of quizzes where you can check out your attitudes and behavior. I found those to be very revealing.
The book is designed to be answered by fathers and daughters together. I didn't try that, but if your daughter is willing . . . go for it. I think it would work well.
The book also made me more sensitive to the ways that others condition my daughter's relationship with me through their beliefs and actions. I didn't try to change anything in that regard, but being more aware of the issue has helped me to choose better things to say and do.
3 of 3 people found the following review helpful
Format:Paperback
Since her mother and I divorced approximately 15 years ago, my daughter has lived approximately half the week with each of us. In my opinion, and this is backed up by independent observers, we have an excellent relationship. We share a business, part-time on my part, where we mow, rake leaves, shovel snow and do other odd jobs. Our clients are almost all retirees or elderly widows. All of our clients praise her work ethic and how she will see what is to be done and just do it. A woman who counseled her over a few issues once commented that we often sound like siblings rather than a father and daughter.
However, reading this book has convinced me that things can be even better. While we talk incessantly about politics, macroeconomics, general business and our joint employment, the conversation rarely goes into her personal relationships. She is uncomfortable talking to me about personal issues, all conversations seem to get started only after a major event occurs. The advice in this book about how a father can get such conversations started with their daughter is something that I am going to begin following shortly after I complete this review. We are going to be spending this afternoon doing some yard work and I am going to move the conversation towards her personal life. I encourage all fathers and daughters to read this book and take it very seriously. Nielsen approaches the problem of father-daughter communication from both sides without taking sides, which is the only way in which it will work.
Another feature of this book that I applaud to the point where my hands are raw is that Nielsen points out some facts in support of fathers that debunk common and sometimes dangerous misconceptions. For example:
On page 143
*) "80 percent of the dads earn most of the money for the family - of those 20 percent earn all of it."
*) "Counting housework, childcare and paid work, most mothers work only forty-one hours a week while most fathers work fifty-one hours."
On page 137
*) "For example, 906,000 children are abused or neglected every year - and 1,500 of them die, most under the age of four. More than forty percent of these children are neglected or abused by their mothers acting alone, 18 percent by their fathers alone, and 17 percent by parents together. "
Several years ago, I dated a woman who was a child abuse investigator and she was emphatic in telling me that in her experience, women committed the majority of child abuse. A position firmly supported by Nielsen, yet somehow lost in the common wisdom. Which is another point where I applaud her, as she is severely critical of the media that glorifies the mother and portrays fathers as inept and incompetent.
I generally have a low opinion of books in the category of self-help, often referring to them as "self-hype." Authors of such books use high-sounding language and superlatives, as if the more you use them the better the book. This is a book soundly based in the reality of the complexity of relationships between a father and his daughter and one that points out how to turn a bad relationship towards the good, a good relationship to the great and a great one even greater.
However, reading this book has convinced me that things can be even better. While we talk incessantly about politics, macroeconomics, general business and our joint employment, the conversation rarely goes into her personal relationships. She is uncomfortable talking to me about personal issues, all conversations seem to get started only after a major event occurs. The advice in this book about how a father can get such conversations started with their daughter is something that I am going to begin following shortly after I complete this review. We are going to be spending this afternoon doing some yard work and I am going to move the conversation towards her personal life. I encourage all fathers and daughters to read this book and take it very seriously. Nielsen approaches the problem of father-daughter communication from both sides without taking sides, which is the only way in which it will work.
Another feature of this book that I applaud to the point where my hands are raw is that Nielsen points out some facts in support of fathers that debunk common and sometimes dangerous misconceptions. For example:
On page 143
*) "80 percent of the dads earn most of the money for the family - of those 20 percent earn all of it."
*) "Counting housework, childcare and paid work, most mothers work only forty-one hours a week while most fathers work fifty-one hours."
On page 137
*) "For example, 906,000 children are abused or neglected every year - and 1,500 of them die, most under the age of four. More than forty percent of these children are neglected or abused by their mothers acting alone, 18 percent by their fathers alone, and 17 percent by parents together. "
Several years ago, I dated a woman who was a child abuse investigator and she was emphatic in telling me that in her experience, women committed the majority of child abuse. A position firmly supported by Nielsen, yet somehow lost in the common wisdom. Which is another point where I applaud her, as she is severely critical of the media that glorifies the mother and portrays fathers as inept and incompetent.
I generally have a low opinion of books in the category of self-help, often referring to them as "self-hype." Authors of such books use high-sounding language and superlatives, as if the more you use them the better the book. This is a book soundly based in the reality of the complexity of relationships between a father and his daughter and one that points out how to turn a bad relationship towards the good, a good relationship to the great and a great one even greater.
Most Recent Customer Reviews
3.0 out of 5 stars
A bit one-sided with regard to divorce
I'm the new wife, and my husband cannot seem to reach the nice side of his daughter; it has to be there somewhere, but I don't know if she'll ever show it to him. Read more
Published 5 months ago by mn
4.0 out of 5 stars
Relationship Building
Nielsen's book discussed topics that went past forgiveness to relationship building. I was looking for a book that would help, in the area of relationship building and this one... Read more
Published 16 months ago by K. Brown
4.0 out of 5 stars
Nice Book
This is really an informative book and would recommend both the Father and Daughter read it at the same time (if that is at all possible) and share what they have read, how they... Read more
Published 16 months ago by Ernest A. Faulkner
2.0 out of 5 stars
Yawn
I read just enough to come to the conclusion I couldn't bring myself to read any more. It was filled with simplistic antidotes to complex problems. Read more
Published 23 months ago by K. paddack
5.0 out of 5 stars
An outstanding survey useful for building or improving upon...
BETWEEN FATHERS AND DAUGHTERS: ENRICHING AND REBUILDING YOUR ADULT RELATIONSHIP provides an entertaining book for fathers and daughters who want more from their relationship. Read more
Published on December 12, 2008 by Midwest Book Review
4.0 out of 5 stars
Better than most father-daughter pop-treatises that deal specifically...
At first I thought I'd jumped the gun when I read the subtitle "Enriching and Rebuilding Your Adult relationship" but after reading the book I realized, no, this book is far better... Read more
Published on September 7, 2008 by Ogg-the-Bear
5.0 out of 5 stars
Thoughtful, compelling, smart and honest
"Between Fathers and Daughters" is as refreshing, compassionate and engaging a book as I've read all year, on any topic. Read more
Published on August 25, 2008 by Southern Comfrey
5.0 out of 5 stars
Long Overdue Help For Dads & Daughters
Full disclosure: I'm neither a father nor a daughter. But as the editor of a publication that addresses the issue of shared parenting, I am privileged to know Linda Nielsen and am... Read more
Published on August 22, 2008 by Kelley Dupuis
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