Customer Reviews

Between Husband & Wife: Gospel Perspectives on Marital Intimacy

5 star:		(9)
4 star:		(2)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(4)
1 star:		(6)

 

 

This is an incredible resource for Mormon couples who want to know more about the religious implications of their physical intimacy. This book provided honest and detailed information about subject matter that many couples find awkward to discuss with each other and too embarrassing to mention to their church officials. It's written in a way that makes sensitive information easy to understand without intimidating the reader. This is a much needed book that treats the subject matter with grace and respect. The information is presented tactfully, which encourages an open dialog between husband and wife. While the book is primarily for married couples who belong to the LDS church, it's insights and content can be vastly beneficial to all couples.

You have to remember that this book, like all LDS books is simply the subjective view of the authors - not church doctrine. It covers what the authors want to cover, and their opinion is no more valid, or no more 'doctrine' than my opinion or your opinion. So take it for what it is, you can't criticise it for what it doesn't include as it is not the definitive instruction from the brethren.

If you read the book 'And they were not ashamed' by Laura M. BrothersonAnd They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment - another LDS book on sexual relations, you will find views and advice that directly contradict that given in this book (eg on 'self touching' during intimacy and on oral sex). Of course, Laura's book is also a personal, subjective view but in my opinion (again personal) provides a much more frank and realistic insight into this important subject.

What's important when writing a book like this is that the authors state completely and regularly that what they are writing is their view. There are too many church members (in MY view, Lamb and Brinley included) who express their personal views and interpretation as though it is doctrine. I personally think it's unfortunate that Lamb and Brinley make a veiled reference to oral sex because this has clearly led to confusion. Whether or not the instruction in the letter they refer to is still applicable or not, the current church policy is that it is down to the couple to determine what is and isn't appropriate and leaders do not in any way dictate this.

I had heard from several people about this book was and I admit to feeling a little intrigued. Although I think my marriage is quite good, I know that it can always get better. After reading the book, there was one thought that kept coming back to me: "I wish I had read this book before I got married!"

The authors have done such an excellent job of discussing a sensitive topic in an appropriate manner--with the gospel taking the forefront.

Since it had actual examples from real people and quotes from church leaders, I always felt that I was getting very good advice and information. Since intimacy is such a huge part of marriage, I recommend it to anyone who is getting married, or is already married. This book will definitely help.

The insinuation that oral sex is wrong is 100% unfounded and has no place in the book. The "secret" letter from the First Presidency was written Jan 5th 1982 and WAS NOT to be shared with the church membership.

In fact, in October of the same year the First Presidency essentially negated that letter and told church leaders to NOT dictate what constitutes intimacy in marriage even if directly asked.

Essentially the authors had to go back 20 years to dig up something to support their point of view on oral sex that was NEVER intended for the church membership! Now that's really stretching to push your personal views on a couple!!!! If you go back 20 or 30 or 40 years you can find all kinds of views that were intended for the church that completely destroy the entire purpose of this book. Example, Elder Clark (of the First Presidency) statement that Sex is only for bringing children into the world and that sex gratification is simply an associated HAZARD! That statement and many, many others about ANY form of birth control were much more direct and were intended for the entire church...

...

Notwithstanding the severe hatred that some of my fellow readers seem to harbor for this book, in truth it can be a very helpful and educational for those of us entering marriage that are "naive" to matters of sex. Before I get too far into it, I personally know Dr. Brinley and have taken a class at BYU entitled "Marriage Prep" which was fantastic. I do, however, fear that the stance of the book taken on certain topics was not completely accurate. However, I also never felt that topics such as female orgasms were portrayed as negatively as some would have you believe. In fact, during his class he was quite clear that satisfying your wife was just as important as your own pleasure. Unfortunately, the subject of "unnatural" sex (specifically oral sex) is not discussed clearly, and I do believe the implied views are inaccurate because I've yet to hear clear guidance on the subject from actual Church leaders (at least not from this century). In fact, from what I've understood, the church specifically avoids answering these questions because, as the book says, it's between Husbands and Wives.

In conclusion, don't let the extreme negatism pursuade you against reading this book if you really need help understanding yourself and the opposite sex. It was an excellent aid for me and my wife and I believe it encourages sex between couples much more than some critics would have you believe. Do remember, however, that this is NOT doctrine, and these are only the educated opinions of "professionals."

I'm engaged and some of the anatomy type explanations were very helpful, that's where the good parts of the book end. As a man reading this book I felt like every stereotype in society about men being sex-animals with no feeling or regard for anyone was pointed out-and agreed with. If my sex drive is higher that's my problem, and I need to fix myself. If our sexual relationship isn't going right it's always the man's fault. On the flip side, my fiance almost cried as she read the book, feeling that being happy with our sex life and finding satisfaction can't ever happen. While I haven't been married yet, I believe this is a false belief, that a wonderful sex life can be achieved. A relationship where each partner is unselfish and aware and sensitive to the needs of their partner. This book did a poor job of giving anyone who's never experienced a sexual relationship, hope of that ever being a unifying, positive experience for both people.

I wish I had read this before I got married, while I was engaged. I've been married for six months.)

A lot of it is about sexual dysfunction - more than I wanted. I wanted to learn more about sex, not have to worry about what's going to happen in my 60's.

But I really like the book. It has definitely increased my awareness.

I bought 2 copies of this book from Amazon and gave one each to my son and his fiancee. I read it myself and found it a good, basic text on intimate relations with a strong LDS perspective and on the overall experience of marriage: the honeymoon, early adjustments, and beyond. I even got a few pointers for my own, 30 year-old marriage.

I agree with many of the other reviewers about this book. It's not something newlywed couples should read, and certainly not married couples experiencing intimacy problems.

The tone of the book is very offensive and even anti-sex at times. It gives you a complex about sex and possibly crossing some "line" which the author refuses to actually draw. Sex is treated as a selfish thing, and being selfish is a sin. The book is especially degrading of women and their needs. For example, it talks about orgasm with a kind of disdain, something "unecessary" that you shouldn't bother aiming for. It has a kind of "oh, that's overrated" attitude towards orgasm and the female's pleasure in general. If she doesn't experience it at all or with any frequency, i.e. not satisfied, eh, that's ok, no big deal. And same for the guy. Satisfaction doesn't "just" come from orgasm.

The book will ultimately cause you problems. I can't see it helping anybody with much of anything. It makes you feel selfish about doing anything and will bind you down with worries and make you feel guilty for trying to find solutions to problems that exist or ones that might come up.

Criticizing a book that is so closely tied to a church's theology inspite of its disclaimer is not an easy thing to do but I believe that Between Husband and Wife by Lamb and Brinley is seriously flawed. Its goal is to "discuss the importance and place of sexual relations in marriage" (pg187) but in doing so it provides only basic factual information and no more than a common sense approach to the problems married couples face. The parts of the book that discuss sexuality read like a late 19th century marriage manual, one the one hand praisling family, home, and hearth while repeatedly advising only "normal" and "wholesome" sexual relations and cautioning against acts that are "unholy, unworthy, and unnatural". These terms are left undefined by the church authorities cited and seem to reflect attitudes towards sex from the Victorian age. For example one sexual practice is indexed to a chapter titled "Drawing the Line" (pgs 163-171). In those eight pages the act is never mentioned by name but the reader is expected to infer that it is unholy, unnatural, unworthy, and impure. Because of this ambiguity persons mentioned in rhetorical questions and case histories seem unsure whether they are inadvertantly committing sin and will "disapppoint their Father in Heaven" (pg 166). Their recourse according to the authors and church authorities is to pray and ask for the "guidance of the Spirit" regarding questions about their sex lives. Implicit in this is the assertion that they should already know the right answer (pg169) and that any answer to the contrary would be obviously suspect. Of particular concern is the statement "Church leaders are concerned about being too explicit in their remarks and thereby stirring curiousity" (pg 169). This suggests that promoting ignorance will keep people from comitting sin. Rather than helping people to resolve these issuse this book will only perpetuate their unease and distrust of their sexuality.