Customer Reviews

Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce

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I rarely read other reviews before writing my own, but in this case I was curious to see if earlier readers had expressed outrage at the author's premise. Response from readers to date appeared rather sympathetic to Ms. Marquandt, which suggested to me that this work may be reaching more childhood survivors of divorce than the perpetrators. I do wonder if the author is pleased with this apparent outcome, since her concluding remarks seem more directed toward adults in the contemplative stages of a divorce; the editing of the book does not necessarily serve that purpose.

I was surprised that a work of this nature was funded and promoted in the first place. Although ethical therapists have known of the psychological damage of divorce for years, who wanted to "make half of America feel guilty?" [particularly when many of those "guilty" are therapists themselves.] Apparently, the psychological abuse of divorced children just could not be ignored any longer. "Between Two Worlds" draws its intellectual meat from a study funded by the Lilly Foundation in 2001 and conducted by the Institute for American Values, for which the author serves as an affiliate scholar. Approximately 1500 adults participated in the written study, with the author interviewing about 70 participants for the narrative of the work. The statistical results of the study are presented in detail at the book's conclusion. The subjects were selected from a carefully defined cohort: at some point in their childhood the subjects' parents had divorced, and in their own subsequent adult lives the subjects had attained some measure of success, such as graduating from college or distinguishing themselves in business or the arts.

The purpose of selecting this particular type of subject was to determine if divorce had left scars on the highest functioning cohort of its victims. I suspect the underlying premise was to discredit the current misconception that there is such a thing as a "good divorce scenario" for minor victims of marital break-up. Certainly none of the interviewed subjects had much good to say about their lives as divorce victims. Just from the aspect of practicality, children of divorce are inevitably exposed to years of gross intrusion into their humble efforts to craft an existence of their own. Imagine, as an adult, if every Friday you had to pack an overnight bag, leave your neighborhood and "your stuff" behind, and spend your long awaited weekend from work in a new, strange surrounding where, more often than not, no one knows quite what to do with you. Maybe not a sin that cries to heaven for vengeance, but I wouldn't want to take the chance.

The practical hell of divorced living for minors eventually subsides as children grow into college years. But what about psychological scarring? Here is where the author does her best work, looking at the perceptual balancing act that even the youngest children must learn in their tender years: how do I please both mom and dad? Marquandt argues accurately that children of divorce are denied the witness of adult accommodation and reconciliation. And worse, they sense that in the ping pong existence of visitations, they must exercise caution in each locale, aware that a slip of the tongue or an inadvertent disclosure is going to have major impact upon them and others.

As a psychotherapist, I have seen this for years with disturbing frequency. Fathers pump children to find out where the child support money is going. Mothers bombard children with questions about their ex-husband's new girlfriends. Perhaps even more disturbing, parents show remarkable perseverance in keeping the past alive, and the "visitation handoffs" are dreaded by children because their natural parents cannot let grievances die. Marquandt gives examples of children who feel responsible for their parents' pain and end up becoming the emotional caregivers. Divorce in effect robs a child of childhood.

There is a clinical term for this, hypervigilance, the super-awareness characteristic of rape and trauma victims. Like the victim of sexual abuse, the divorce victim must learn quickly what cues set off troubles, how to avoid dangerous situations, and saddest of all, that no adult can really be counted upon to last for the count. As the statistical and anecdotal evidence shows, this traumatized state is a lifelong condition. When the divorce victim walks down the aisle on her marriage day, for example, she wonders "Will my marriage go the way of mom's and dad's?"

Marquandt rails against the spate of children's books that encourage the young reader to look upon split custody as a gift, an opportunity, a learning experience. She finds this kind of literature the cruelest form of child deception. I tend to see such works as necessary evils. She also looks at ancillary statistics; new studies now indicate that at most about 30% of divorces are necessary in the sense that there is violence or a dangerous environment for the children. Nearly 70% of divorces are, to borrow from medical terminology, "elective;" situations in which adults chose to pursue their own personal satisfaction at the cost of their offspring's childhood. One wishes there was a kinder way to put it, but maybe it is time to call a spade a spade.

One remaining question for mental health practitioners: is this a book to recommend to patients? Certainly this book is required reading for those anticipating marriage. I might consider recommending this work to adult victims of divorce, all things being equal, such as ego strength, etc. As to those who elected divorce, I doubt they would be very open to the effort of reading. And those who did would more likely than not find excuses as to why their divorces were "medical necessities." We seem to be very competent when it comes to post mortems.

Between Two Worlds is a breathtaking book - well written, well-researched, and powerful. This Christmas I am going to buy a copy for each of my siblings, step-siblings, half-siblings, and all of my cousins who have divorced parents. Anyone who has contact with children should make this book REQUIRED READING. With divorce epidemic in our society, there is no doubt that many of these children have divorced parents. And married couples with children, especially those who are unhappy and contemplating divorce as an option, should read this book before making a final decision.
If you are a child of divorce, take a deep breath and prepare for some pain, but do read Between Two Worlds; you will find yourself writ large in this book of surpassing authority. This is no memoir - it is based on sound research, and draws from many sources to back up all general statements - but Ms. Marquardt uses the clever technique of writing in the first person plural, which gives the book an immediacy and depth no mere survey conclusions could approach.
I am a child of divorce, age 43 and happily married with three children. Until I read Between Two Worlds, not one single person in my entire experience (except other shell-shocked children of divorce) could believe or imagine what I went through, and so they didn't. And the children of divorce almost never talk about it because it is just too painful. It has taken me all the energy I have to create a positive life for myself and my children. I simply do not have the energy to re-examine the past. It's a good thing that Ms. Marquardt did, because it's about time people started to take a close look at how children feel about divorce. Maybe Between Two Worlds will be the turning point for our sociologists, psychologists, school counselors, etc. who need to take off their blinders and look at how divorce rips children apart.
About Ms. Marquardt being biased; sure she is biased - and that bias is the very thing that makes her ideas on the subject so insightful. Only an insider could know which questions to ask. Going forward from here, maybe some psychologists from intact families will be able to do effective research on the subject, but she got the ball rolling by asking all the right questions. We have a long way to go to fully understand the impact of divorce, but this book changes the focus of the debate on divorce to where it rightly belongs - on the thousands (dare I say millions?) of innocent children who are impacted by it.

I picked this book up on a whim off the shelf, read it in two nights, and came out of it in a whole new place.

My parents divorced when I was 4 and my brother was 2. My father remarried but my mother never did. They both still live in the same town, as do I, yet I have been estranged from them for 2 years now with very little communication. I guess I want to reconcile with them, which may be why I still live in the same town, I am not really sure. Regardless we have had group therapy sessions from time to time to try to work this out but they never really go anywhere except circular frustration. I have tried to communicate with them on numerous occasions in both these sessions, informally, and in writing but with little success. I always felt like they never really understood. I kept telling them that I felt like I was stuck in the middle between them: taking care of my mother as a husband, getting frustrated with her for being helpless, feeling shamed for thinking her helpless, getting pissed at my dad for putting me in that position, thinking my mom was getting back at my dad through me by making me mad at him, then feeling guilty about thinking this about my mom, blowing them both off and acting out, and then back to taking care of mother and her feelings; around it went and still goes. This catch 22 is what I have tried to explain to them but then self-doubt comes and I feel I am overreacting. I tell myself that because the divorce was so long ago, and was what might be considered a "good" divorce, that I should be "over" it.

This has been lonely for me and I have recently realized this is not healthy. Yet I didn't know how to get on with my life without this confusion; being trapped in between. So 2 years ago I stopped dealing with my parents almost entirely to move forward for myself but I still hope that they might understand this dilemma of mine. Maybe we might come to some understanding some day. I had never really imagined how this might occur (outside of therapy) but I think when I read "Between Two Worlds"I had a hint at a direction. Many of my feelings and my situation are reflected in her story and the numerous other stories told by the other children of divorce within the book. The fact that she has empirical evidence and a comprehensive study to back up her anecdotal style make this book even more impressive to me. It was enjoyable and inspiring read. I neither want to fall into the victim trap and blame my parents for my suffering nor do I want to feel guilty about this anger and hide the hurt that the divorce has caused me any longer. This might be the most inspiring thing about "Between Two Worlds" and Elizabeth Marquardt is how she navigates this delicate edge so gracefully. This book gives me hope as a step forward with my parents (I recommended they read it) and a step inside for understanding myself.

I didn't mean this review to get so personal. I do wish I had a copy of the book so I could be more specific to the text however I gave my copy to my brother for Christmas. I hope that this review is helpful to someone and that as a result you read this book which has truly affected me. Please if anyone knows of any other books, resources or discussion groups which deal with the topic of divorce I would, of course, be very interested.

I highly recommend this book to young adults with divorced parents. I am 26-years-old, outwardly successful (master's degree, yuppie job, friends, in-touch with my family), yet I routinely battle intense sadness, loneliness, and feelings of isolation. This book addresses highly functional and successful children of divorce (like me) who still suffer profoundly when it comes to social interactions, concepts of home, family, and relationships (like me).

As a previous reviewer noted, I nod my head over and over in recognition and agreement as I read this book. When I read, I have a compulsive habit of dog-earing pages that are especially poignant and/or relevant to my life. In this book, I have folded almost every corner.

The themes that stand out especially include the divided home/shadow home and never feeling like I truly belonged anywhere; the concept of feeling like a "little adult" growing up, having to take responsibility for my own well-being, as well as trying to defend or protect my parents' emotions; time alone and with adults, and the general lack of conventional/healthy socialization; terrible holidays; isolation and lack of anyone to manage or navigate me through the peculiarities of divorce; and general worry, distrust, and uncertainty about the future.

I have only read the first half and look forward to updating this review when I have finished. I skipped ahead to the Conclusion last night. It's probably less than ten pages long. The ideas in the Conclusion are so simple but so powerful (what we want for ourselves and our families). I read them and just started crying. A lot of these ideas float around in my head, but this is the first time I have seen them articulated, written down, and generalized into principles that apply to many. The ideas are sad and frustrating to deal with, but it is nice to know I'm not alone in these feelings, and that people in my situation can move on and succeed in relationships, creating a home, and finding peace.

I wish there were a way that young adults who read this book could get together, as I think we'd have a lot to talk about.

Thank you Elizabeth!

Between Two Worlds is an eloquent, compelling, and breakthrough book. It is so much more than a report on a survey. It tells moving story after moving story, is a kind of substitute support community, and awakens in the reader an awareness of the inner lives of all children.

I read Elizabeth Marquardt's book from two perspectives: one, as an over 30-year religious educator, and two, as the child of an "intact, unhappy, and high conflict marriage." The "child" that I am knows well the stress of watchfulness, secrets, and not knowing whom to choose. That all these things might exist in the lives of children of divorce, in addition to the different homes and family members, the traveling, the aloneness, and so much more, made me sad. But what brings a measure of hope is that this book now exists and will be read.

In addition to listening and retelling what life is like for children of divorce, Marquardt addresses the subject of their spiritual and religious struggles and their particular moral quandaries. It is uncommon, even in religious education literature, to specifically consider children of divorce. I am grateful to learn from Marquardt's book about the lives of approximately one-fourth of the children I have worked with in the Catechesis of the Good Shepherd approach to the religious formation of 3 to 12 year olds. How humbly appreciative I now will be when they come, and in particular when they desire a relationship with God.

Shortly after finishing this book, I saw the movie "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants." To think that only a week earlier I might have more casually considered the struggle of the young character "Carmen," a child of divorce, whose father picks her up at the airport for the summer and "surprises" her with a different home, imminent marriage, and three unknown-to-Carmen household members.

This is certainly an eye-opening book for couples, engaged or married; for parents; for educators; for social workers and health professionals; for pastors, chaplains, catechists, and anyone in church ministry; and for the grown children of divorce who deserve a much deeper understanding than church or society has given them.

Tina Lillig, National Director, Catechesis of the Good Shepherd

I read "Between Two Worlds' nine months ago and have struggled ever since to complete this review. It was painful to read and even more painful to review. Elizabeth Marquardt has authored an extremely valuable book - one that can stand tall next to the works of Judith Wallerstein.

"Between" is the first book to deal with the moral and spiritual development of the children of divorce. How do children make sense of a parent's different beliefs, values, and ways of living when parents no longer must confront these differences themselves? How do the feelings of loss and loneliness, so widespread in the lives of children of divorce, affect their spiritual journeys? How might divorce divide and shape the inner lives of many children, even those who appear to be successful in life?

A fierce moral drama unfolds in the wake of our parent's divorce, revolving around a core of common questions....what do my parent's think and believe" What is the right thing to do? For Marquardt and other children of divorce, "The moral drama kindled by our parent's divorce has burned quietly inside us for years-for all our lives."

Marquardt, an adult child of divorce, based this "Between" on a questionnaire completed by 1500 adults between the ages of 18 and 35 years supplemented by face-to-face interviews with more than 70 college graduates. Her focus on college graduates stemmed from a desire to highlight the experiences of young people like herself who were reasonably successful. 50% of the interviewees came from divorced families and 50&% from intact families.

"Between" reaffirms Wallerstein's finding that the idea of a "good divorce" is attractive to many. It reassures parents and is a construct to alleviate much of the anxiety our society has about divorce. This adult centered vision, however, does not reflect children's true experience. Divorce powerfully changes the structure of childhood itself and while a good divorce is better than a bad divorce, it is still not good divorce.

Marquardt adds that no amount of success in adulthood can compensate for an unhappy childhood or erase the memory of the pain and confusion of the divided world of the child of divorce.

Marquardt notes that "lack of commitment" is the most cited reason for divorce. My bet is that this is also the primary reason for the problems being addressed by books like "Between" - no, not the "lack of commitment" between two adults but rather the "lack of commitment" of two adults to provide love, stability, consistent moral guidance, and affirmation of their budding spiritual lives to their children.

Divorce affects all of society. It is a shared experience in our culture because it shapes the lives of so many children and adults and reflects on collective values. I highly recommend "Between" to those considering, going through, or being divorced. It is also a "must read" for professionals in family, marriage, and/or divorce counseling. We must come to grips with what is happening to the children and, hence, our society.

Our society is fast losing the ability to talk deeply about important matters. This book provides a model of how to talk about something key in a way that will make a difference. The issue is the inner lives of children of divorce. Here's how the author provides a model for civic conversation: there is real data (and the author provides it), the book is incredibly well written (think Peter Kramer or Kay Redfield Jamison who write this well in somewhat related fields) , and the author provides experiences from her own life. So, the result is a rare mixture of someone attending - with excellence - to a difficult but essential issue drawing from both quanitative and qualitiative data. What does the author describe? She provides plenty of disclaimers that she is not interested in "blaming" divorced parents. What she is interested in is making sure the inner thoughts and feelings of children of divorced parents get heard. What is it like to live between two households when most of the people you know only see you in one arena? What is it like to carry the secrets of your parents' relationship? How do you manage growing up a bit too fast? The Publisher's Weekly comments about bias don't hold very long. Such comments suggest that researchers can somehow put aside all their subjective experience. That's not possible. What is truly problematic is to have research presented with no acknowledgement of one's own experience. It is the disclosure not named that is misleading. This author is clear about where she has been and where she now stands. You can then enter the conversation knowing with whom you are talking. One theme of the book that transcends the issue of the inner life of children of divorce is the call to face truth squarely. The author advocates for something that we dare not lose. The ability to be accurate.

While it is true many people can say they are a product of divorce, it seems there isn't enough dialogue existing for these people to connect, communicate and feel validated for their struggles. This book offers that. From one who knows, and who has been trying to figure out 'what I did wrong' to prevent myself from moving on, Elizabeth Marquardt's stories brought much relief. Chapter after chapter, I found myself nodding in response to what other adult children of divorce expressed to the author. Yes, I too spent a lot of time alone, and, yes, I too was a completely different person in each parent's household...and, yes, I was focused on my family (or lack thereof) and was distracted from school and socialization. The author also addresses spirituality and religion in her book, which I admittedly skipped on the first read. After going back, I found these sections insightful and worthy of address considering the need for children of divorce to develop an identity. If you are a child of divorce who has come of age, I highly recommend this book. It is one more way to realize that you don't have to be angry with yourself for not being like 'everyone else.'

As a child of the "ideal" divorce I think anyone considering a divorce should read this book first. This dose of reality will hopefully motivate them to seriously overhaul their broken relationships with their spouses and avoid spreading the misery. If that is impossible, as in cases of adultery or abuse, it will at least help them understand what their children are really experiencing.

Without turning this into a therapy session, I will say I was that kid. My parents divorced for legitimate reasons when my brother was a toddler and I was an infant. After the divorce both camps were genuinely cooperative and positive about each other. At 33 years old I still experience the ripple effect.

My husband is the only person I ever discussed my parents' divorce with. He read a review and a few quotes from this book and he said it was eerie how the author said almost word for word things I have said to him. He suggested I get it and read it.

Between Two Worlds is dead on accurate. I was stunned reading a book that a total stranger seemed to have written about my inner life. I have never ever in the first 20 years of my life spoken of any of it aloud, and yet my heart and mind were there in black and white right in front of me. It felt almost surreal.

Be warned children of divorce-this is not a book to read in a low place in your life or just before the holidays. When you do read it, loan it someone who loves you and can hear difficult and uncomfortable things from you without trying to tell you how you should feel. That's part of the problem. We've been told how to feel for so long by society that society may not know how to hear us.

Spouses of children of divorce would really benefit from reading this book. So many different issues are covered so thoroughly in ways a child of divorce just can't or won't articulate.

There is little discussion of the legacy of divorce in the marriages of adult children of divorce and none of how being a child of divorce affects you as a parent, but being a mom, I suspect we would find some patterns if we looked. The focus is primarily on the childhood years.

Maybe the ripple effect will be explored in the next book by the author.

The only gap in this book is probably because of the age difference between the author and her sibling. I have noticed that in some cases sibling bonds tighten after divorce in ways that other sibling relationships don't. My brother and I have that experience. That wasn't explored in this book.

Elizabeth Marquardt has done a marvellous job in this book. I am a child of divorce (31 years old, parents divorced 28 years ago), and her book is absolutely correct about the reality that we children of divorce face. We live between two different worlds - one of mom, one of dad. These worlds often have differing morals, values, worldviews, spiritualities, routines, spoken and unspoken-truths. We children of divorce lived (and continue to live) in between these different, emotionally-laden parental worlds. She makes clear that conflict is not the source of divorce's impact on children - it is the actual structure of divorce, the constant movement from one world to the next - which constructs the painful legacy of divorce for us.

I whole-heartedly recommend this book to children of divorce who are now in their 20s or 30s - this book is about us. And like me, when you read this book you might for the first time find affirmation of your experience as a child of divorce.