Beware the Club Girls [Paperback]

Todd Allen (Author), Len Strazewski (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: May 2001

The collected writings of Todd Allen, Chicago’s most notorious Internet humorist, as he muses on such diverse topics as beer, women, Bill Clinton’s re-occurring pattern of interfering with Todd’s travel plans, the foibles of Bill Gates, weddings, the joy that is Elvis and to use a toilet in India.

Todd’s humor has been translated into Russian by the electronic journal, @-Rus Business and is rumored to have been read in at least one college classroom.

Editorial Reviews

About the Author

Todd’s humorous musings have been profiled in the Chicago Tribune and Chicago Sun-Times. His humor has even been translated into Russian. (It seems the Russians also drink and make fun of business meetings what a small world.) His commentary on the Internet business and it’s practitioners has appeared in Iconocast and The May Report (where the New York Times involved him in a case of mistaken identity). He’s lectured to the Pop Culture Association on the topic of political cartoons and Association of American Publishers on web publishing. Todd once appeared on MTV, unsuccessfully attempting to explain computers to Pauly Shore. When he’s not goofing off, Todd is an Internet Consultant to respectable firms like the American Medical Association and the National Parent-Teacher Association.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

Beware the Club Girls

There’s something waiting, out there in the nightclubs. They’ve been around for a long time. Technically speaking, they pre-date the clubs. Still, they’re out there, spreading like a bimbonic plague. Oh, you’ve seen them. Wearing a little too much make-up. Skirts just a little too tight. Their patter, methodically adjusted and downgraded to the content level of USA Today. Oh, yes, the club girls are out there.

Certainly they’re cute. The appearance and movements are pleasant. Occasionally, they’re even eager to please. These aren’t necessarily bad things. The problem with club girls is the issue of motive. Has anybody figured out just what they want? They certainly want to be seen, but to what end? Are they looking for a ring or a fling? When was the last time a club girl bought you a drink? Club girls always sidestep questions about their motives. They’re almost like politicians in that respect.

I recall an astute doorman commenting, “I’ve never seen anybody with her head so far up another guy’s wallet,” as he noticed a club girl wrapped up in, and around, her beau. It’s not an uncommon scenario. This club girl’s intentions became obvious after a little observation. Many are subtler.

Lest you think the club boys to be a group of innocent victims, let us examine them. Motive is seldom an issue with club boys. Stop and think about it. How many boys really like to dance? No, the motive is fairly obvious.

Club boys, for their singular motives, come in a wide variety of shapes, and the shape is where their deception lies. In direct contrast are the pretenders with their one good suit, carrying their life savings in a wad in their packet, and the deniers who spend through the nose to achieve an urchin-like look of disaffection. The plastic facade is nigh universal amongst club boys, least their true self be used against them.

While the club girls are uniformly young and pretty, club boys vary greatly in this regard. While underage club denizens of both sexes lurk around, the club boys can reach much older ages in the quest for lost youth. It is these older club boys, wearing their stock portfolio on their sleeves, that beg the question, is a fifty-year-old man with a greasy ponytail really sexy? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, it seems.

And so the children of the clubs come together and perform a dance both metaphorical and euphemistic, as they swap their masks. They’re not all dangerous, but you really have to wonder: why the acts and why the evasion?

Perhaps clubs are the wombs from which politicians emerge.

Product Details

• Paperback: 232 pages
• Publisher: Xlibris Corp (May 2001)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0738861081
• ISBN-13: 978-0738861081
• Product Dimensions: 8.3 x 5.5 x 0.6 inches
• Shipping Weight: 10.4 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.0 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (12 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #5,444,136 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Todd Allen wears a lot of hats. At various times he's been (alphabetically), a bouncer, college professor, humor columnist, Internet producer and an NBA/WNBA Beat Writer, among other, less interesting, things.

Todd has appeared on MTV in a futile attempt to explain computers to Pauly Shore, sat with his feet under the stage at Radio City and been the object of flirtation in the Rockette's dressing room.

Todd has a B.S in Communications from Northwestern and an MA in Internet Business & Media Convergence (an MFA in Business, as he calls it) from NYU's Gallatin School, as well as membership in the Mystery Writers of America.

He typically splits his time between technology consulting, teaching eBusiness at Columbia College Chicago and writing.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

3 of 3 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Rip Roaring Good Time, August 2, 2003

By A Customer

This review is from: Beware the Club Girls (Paperback)

Beware the Club Girls is a smart alecky commentary on life, love (or lack thereof), and business with an underlying hint of common sense. I'm not sure if this is autobiographical or not and the introduction sugguests the book is a blend of fact and fiction.

Whatever it is, I got a good laugh out of it.

12 of 16 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Refreshing point of view, May 4, 2002

By 

Rita Grant (Chicago, IL) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Beware the Club Girls (Paperback)

I had fun passing this one around the office. The parts about relationships and abortive relationships, are a an interesting counter-point to Sex and the City. I'm waiting for a sequel

5 of 7 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Flippant Wiseguy, August 3, 2003

By 

Milo "bigbootay3" (East Village, USA) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Beware the Club Girls (Paperback)

This was a hard book to categorize, since the comedy changes formats with each section. There's a little political satire, a little observational humor and some fiction. Stylistically, I'm stretching to find a good point of comparison. The book seems to be at least partially autobiographical, and I would almost draw a parallel to David Sedaris, with the cavaet that style is more of an intellectual mock-macho/bravado. A hetero Sedaris? Perhaps. But it is funny.