What Is a Sexual Addiction?
O nce again I am sitting in a comfortable chair in a television studio. Along with me are the host, lights, camera and 'action' from the floor director. The most frequently asked question is, 'So, Dr. Doug, what really is sexual addiction anyway?' I'm sure you're probably also sitting in your comfortable chair right now with the same question popping into your mind.
A sex addict, much like an alcoholic or overeater, uses his or her drug of choice (sex) to avoid past or present pain and escape the realities of life. The sex addict uses sex in such a way that many of the following questions would be answered with a 'yes.'
The Sexual Addict Quiz
1. Have you engaged sexual behaviors that you wish you could stop?
2. Do you feel abnormally driven by your sexual drive?
3. Have you been in relationships just for sex?
4. Has masturbation been ongoing even after marriage?
5. Has pornography continued for you after a long-term, committed, sexual relationship?
6. Does your sexuality seem to be dragging down your personal potential?
7. Do you find that you spend a significant amount of time online viewing pornography or grooming others for sexual encounters?
8. Have you experienced an unwanted sexual encounter during childhood or adolescence?
9. Has monogamous sex grown boring?
The sexual addict tends to have a secret sexual life. He or she has a normal exterior life as a citizen and parent, and may be politically, socially or spiritually active in the community. But he or she has a secret life of cruising, masturbating, and frequenting adult bookstores, Internet chat rooms or prostitutes, or having affairs.
Everything may look normal on the outside, but the addict suffers silently. Unable to be honest, the addict is unable to sustain a true, emotionally intimate relationship. He or she lives with a voice inside that says, If you really knew me, you wouldn't love me.
Personally and professionally I know the hell of this addiction, and it's not fun. Fortunately, there is now help. Unfortunately for most of you reading these pages, there may not have been help or information available on sexual addiction when your parents were in the midst of their struggles. Most suffered secretly with an addiction for which they hated themselves.
Now to make it more complicated, sex addiction is not limited to one behavior. A sex addict, whether male or female, can be addicted to a variety of sexual behaviors. Some of these behaviors are listed below, but problems are not limited to these:
—Voyeurism —Fantasy —Pornography —Fetishes —Chat rooms —Exposing oneself —Sexual literature —Affairs —Prostitutes —One-night stands —Masturbation —Anonymous encounters —Cross-dressing
Some sex addicts have affairs outside of their marriage; some use their spouse in a sexually disconnected manner; some leave their spouse alone sexually, preferring masturbation, fantasy or pornography. A sexual addict is similar to an alcoholic, where some prefer martinis, scotch and water, or beer, but all alcoholics still use alcohol in a way that is destructive to their lives.
There are common characteristics of sexual addiction that are shared by all types of addicts. Sexual addicts are either in denial or rationalize why they do what they do. Similar to other addicts, they blame others for their addiction.
Several roads may have been taken to becoming sexually addicted. Many sexual addicts have been victims of sexual, emotional or physical abuse. Others got on the path of sexual addiction due to a reward system they set up with pornography and fantasy. Others have chemical imbalances and as adolescents they treated this with orgasm responses to feel better. If you want more detailed information on the origins of sexual addiction, I recommend my book The Final Freedom: Pioneering Sexual Addiction Recovery.
Sexual addiction is often confused with a high libido—another question I get asked frequently by the media. A man or woman with a high libido can have spirit, soul and body sex. He or she can also experience sexual satiation regularly. A high libido person enjoys relational sex—the key word here being 'enjoys.'
A sexual addict rarely if ever has sex in a spirit, soul and body manner. The sex addict often disconnects from his/her spouse during sexuality and orgasm. The sexual addict rarely feels satiated or satisfied sexually.
I think by now you can see why sexual addicts' lives might be chaotic and frustrating. They chase a high that can never satisfy them. They keep going for more, but they still aren't satisfied. They go for 'different' (whatever that may mean to them), and that doesn't satisfy. They go to their endless fantasy world, and that doesn't satisfy. So they go to the Internet, and they are left disconnected once again.
Being a sex addict isn't fun. You feel alone, disconnected and often disqualified from the very best of life. A hug from a loving child is chilled by the memory of where you were that day. The 'I love you' from your spouse seems shallow because of your secret life. Being unable to connect with those you love is the life of the sexual addict. Unfortunately, that means the sexual addict is not the only one impacted by his or her addiction.
Sexual addiction also has a huge impact on the spouse of a sexual addict. In our survey of adult children of sexual addicts, we found that most of the spouses were women and the sex addicts were men. Thus, if you are an adult child of a sexual addict, most likely your mother was the spouse of a sexual addict. It's also possible your mother was the sexual addict, which we will discuss shortly.
If your mother was the partner of a sex addict, the sex addiction probably had a tremendous impact on her soul. Who she was as a wife, friend, sexual partner, spiritual being and mother were all impacted. Her spouse was probably emotionally, spiritually and morally still an adolescent. He was also most likely extremely self-centered and insensitive to her needs. Her need for connection would have been unmet.
If she knew about her husband's addiction, her own sexuality could have been impacted or shamed. She probably felt like she never measured up and was married to a man for whom she was not his first love (the sex addiction was). There was also a 29 percent chance that her husband was a sexual anorexic.
As a sexual anorexic, her husband would have avoided her spiritually, emotionally and sexually. She may have gone months or years without sexual intimacy as he would use porn, masturbation, or have sexual or emotional relationships with others instead.
Sexual addiction in your family of origin may have resulted in the divorce of your parents. This divorce may also have brought into your life many individuals who your parents may have dated, married or even divorced.
I have worked with wives of sexual addicts for more than eighteen years. I can tell you in my professional experience that as a woman and a mother she is hurt, angry and impacted in almost every area of her life by this addiction. She alone often carries the secret of her husband's addiction.
In my book, Partners: Healing from His Addiction, I surveyed seventy wives of sexual addicts. The research shows that your mother had a large probability of struggling with depression, lower self-esteem and food issues. She may have acted out sexually herself, or alternatively became cold and distant to your suffering, or too clingy and manipulative.
I say all this so you can see that your mother and her parenting were impacted by the sexual addiction in your home. The mother she could have been and the mother you actually had were significantly different due to sex addiction.
A mother whose spiritual and emotional needs were being met would have been very different. A mother married to a man who truly was morally developed would have been different. A mother married to a man who wasn't self-absorbed and deceptive would have been different. A mother without the deep sense of betrayal from adultery or pornography would have been different. Without the secrets and the shame of your father's sexual addiction, your mother would have been different—and better.
Your mother had choices to make, but she also had fears of raising you alone, not feeling like she could work to make enough money and many others. She had reasons for her choices. Some of her reasons may have been less healthy than others, yet she was reacting to an unhealthy situation. If you grew up in a home with sexual addiction, then both parents were impacted. If your mother was a sexual addict, this would also have been true.
I think you're getting the picture that growing up in a family where there is a sexual addiction impacts all the family members. There still is one other person the sexual addiction would have impacted. That is you .
You have been impacted by the secret of sexual addiction. You had to react, adjust and grow up in an environment that sexual addiction was destroying. You didn't ask for this, and neither did I. But we can acknowledge the impact that sexual addiction has had on our lives.
We also have the choice to heal. We can stay unhealthy, or we can choose a lifestyle of recovery. I chose healing and recovery. My wife and children have had a man in their lives who did his own work to heal. My family is worth it, and I am worth healing.
You are worth it as well. The pages ahead will be insightful, and at times painful, but will definitely give you the possibility to place your feet on a path of tremendous healing. So grab hold of my hand and heart, and the hands and hearts of those who have participated in our survey, and we will walk together to a place called recovery.
Ashley's Story
M y dad was an alcoholic and a sex addict/ sexual anorexic. My mother struggled with border...
