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Beyond Blame: Freeing Yourself from the Most Toxic Form of Emotional Bullsh*t Kindle Edition
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More About the Author
While earning his degree Alasko studied at the Istituto di Terapia Familiare in Rome, Italy under Maurizio Andolfi, co-founder of the European Family Therapy Association and author of six widely-respected books on therapeutic technique.
Following graduation Dr. Alasko trained extensively with Pia Mellody, author of Facing Codependence, and for many years thereafter used Mellody's model in conducting two-day, small-group intensives focusing on recovery from childhood abuse.
Alasko also served for ten years on the Board of Directors of Beacon House, a Monterey Bay recovery center, instituting a free public lecture series on the subjects of codependency, parenting and healthy relationships.
Alasko's weekly blog for the Experts' online section of Psychology Today attracts thousands of readers, and his weekly newspaper column "On Relationships" has run in the Monterey County Herald for fifteen consecutive years.
Top Customer Reviews
There are 319 pages and 17 chapters -- close to 19 pages per chapter. There are no footnotes, bibliography, suggestions for further reading, or even an index. These are elements which, for me, make reading more meaningful. I can find out what sources the author is reading, from where he or she is getting information, how I might expand my understanding, and what kind of outside support ideas have. I think -- before actually reading this book -- these are flags that make me a bit suspicious. I may be proven wrong, but my antenna is up.
The book is full of stories. It is the way the book is constructed. Alasko has simply amassed numerous stories that he derived from his 25 years of work as a practicing psychotherapist working with couples and families. There is nothing wrong with this, and the book reads well because of all the stories, however, the illustrations work effectively as Alasko moves from describing blame and how destructive and confusing it is, to why it is misunderstood, how it is deeply rooted in our biology, and then offers an explanation of the three-part syndrome initiated by a blame attack and how people respond to it.
Watch the way stories are used as primary (exclusive) support for his ideas: "Walter and Suzanne's story is not all that unusual. Their drama illustrates how we can illegitimately use an external force such as destiny or a Greater Power to shift responsibility and justify behavior that can have serious life-changing consequences." Research shows that their story is not all that unusual? Other psychotherapists have heard the same story over and over? Historically, there is evidence that Walter and Suzanne's story is similar to many others?Read more ›
BLAMING them, in an attempt to get off the hook, vent, protect our ego, or get them to change their behaviors.
The problem is, as Carl Alasko teaches, that because blame is so common we think that it's OK to use it. But it's not. In fact, "blame has ravaged our most precious relationships for far too long."
Blame might temporarily discharge your anxieties, but it will never, ever bring you closer to happiness in any relationship.
Some of the points in the book I highlighted:
1. We use blame as a way to discharge anxiety or frustration, and maintain our social standing
2. We'll do almost anything to make sure that we're not seen as bad or wrong
3. Contempt and humiliation-- forms of blame-- are the emotional equivalent of being burned with fire
4. Self-blame stems from a deep-seated believe that we're not good enough
5. Don't ask questions that begin with "Why...", or "How come you didn't..."
6. When the above is asked of you, this sets a blame trap. Don't take the bait!
7. Controlling our emotions and tone of voice is essential to communicating our needs effectively
8. Express your emotions without using criticism, accusation, or punishment
9. Make a declarative statement expressing your feeling and your need (right-- no blaming!)
10. Aim for a 4:1 ratio of thinking to feeling
Carl Alasko teaches us about Positive Accountability-- what we should use instead of blame.Read more ›
I ask myself now: What do I need? Can it be handled without blame? Does it even need to be handled? Thanks Dr. A.
Most Recent Customer Reviews
If you are looking to have better relationships, improve your communication skills and be a better human being, this is the book for you.Published 15 months ago by Diana Tejeda
Very informative with lots of examples and stories. Easy to read especially given the subject matter.Published 15 months ago by Dustin Seidner
This book is a game changer. Do not allow anyone to chase you away from it by positing the lack of a bibliography or citied references, or whatever. Read morePublished 23 months ago by J. Tew
This book has helped me in all my relationships - work, family, friends. The concepts make sense and are not too hard to incorporate. Read morePublished on July 25, 2012 by Cheri Liggins
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