Customer Reviews

Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love-Based Approach to Helping Attachment-Challenged Children With Severe Behaviors

5 star:		(47)
4 star:		(10)
3 star:		(2)
2 star:		(2)
1 star:		(5)

 

 

I am both a lawyer and an adoptive parent. I have learned over the years to be skeptical of medical and psychological theories without a clear understanding of the supporting research.

Like one of the reviewers below, I am skeptical about some of the supporting explanations for behavior the authors advance. Unlike the authors, I suspect that the advice works because it addresses an adoptive child's fears and frustrations directly and openly (and not because it addresses the separation or birth trauma in the adoptive child). From my brief reading on the subject, the idea of trauma arising from the mere act of placing a newborn with someone other than his biological mother is certainly subject to debate. I confess, though, that a real criticism of the theoretical underpinning in the first chapter is beyond me. On the other hand, I would feel foolish contradicting it without more information.


Instead, I urge readers not to dismiss the rest of the book without further reflection. The advice given by the book is eye-opening and often very helpful. I found that it made good sense. So I gave it try. With our own adopted child, we have seen a night-and-day difference in his behavior which I believe directly reflects the efficacy of the book's general recommendations.

For myself, I tried to raise my adopted child with the "tough love" style that seemed to work with my oldest child and that my parents used on me. However, my adopted child often saw those approaches as rejection and separation from his family. He went so far as to regularly draw himself in crayon pictures so that he was completely isolated from his family.

The book's simplest approach is the best one -- simply listening to what the child wants to tell you and listening to it with an open heart. Of course, every parent already thinks they do that. We don't. None of us.

But how can you learn to listen better?

The book has practical, real-life tips. The authors know that no parent can be perfectly correct in every situation. So, the authors give us the tough situations in a paragraph or two then they set out a possible plan of action for helping children through their fears and misconduct.

For example, when a child has trouble talking to you, they suggest physically getting on a child's level. This works, in part, because it forces the parent to listen. When you're standing over a child it's very easy to assume the conversation is over and walk away. the other reason it works is the child is less fearful of what your reaction might be.

No it's not always practical. But it does work. And the fact, I can do that at home means my child now believes me when I say, "Let's sit over here so we can talk about this." Before I read the book, I said we were going to talk, but what I actually meant was "I'm going to lecture." So my child talks to me now. Simple enough, right?

The design of the book is a big help. First, it's concise. After the first chapter, the writing is very direct and the authors use a lot of white space. It's easy to read and absorb the examples given. Each chapter is followed by a concise summary of the chapter's points AND a few of the most profitable solutions to the problem addressed in the chapter.

This is a terrific format for people like me. I can be taught. But sometimes it has to be in small bits. The summaries are also helpful because when you encounter a situation covered by the book you can flip right to the table of contents and find the bullet points. The summaries are great conversation-starters for me and my kids.

If I had to epitomize this book in one word it would be : practicum.

It's not a master's thesis or a medical article. It's a book of things you can try that have worked for others and that might work for you, too.

Ironically, one review below confuses theory with practicum. Or, at least, I find it ironic because the reviewer appears to be a nursing or medical professional of some kind. The underpinnings of modern nursing and medicine are equally recent and, often, unproven. Innoculations with cow pox prevented thousands of cases of smallpox long before Pasteur proved how and why innoculations worked.

In other words, the practicum of experience was right even though the theory was wrong.

I would recommend reading the book in light of your own experience with your children and trying out some of the scenarios. If it works for you, it's time well spent. For our child, it was the difference between despair and happiness.

My child's unselfconscious smile and laughter are the proof I need that the practicum works.

Which would you rather do: Control your child's behavior using threats, punishments, consequences, and "time outs;" or influence your child's heart so that they want to behave well out of love and sense of security and self-control? That's the question at the heart of this book. Forbes and Post focus primarily on how to bring healing to the hearts and minds of children who've experienced early-childhood trauma, but the paradigm that they build here can be helpful to any parent who dreads the next encounter with their kids.

In our house, with three children adopted at ages 7, 7, and 5, we lived through the effects of trauma, abandonment, and neglect on a daily basis. We tried all of the "logic" techniques, and the "magic" techniques that tried to establish control over our children. They all worked - for a while. Then the rages, the whining, the violent melt-downs would return with even greater force. When we discovered that the stress our children experienced in their first few years had an actual bio-physical impact on their brain development that made them hyper-sensitive to stress and unable to self-calm, a light bulb went off. Our attempts to control the children's behavior was actually adding to their stress and fear, and therefore amplifying the very problems we were trying to correct. Post and Forbes helped us to look beyond the veil of anger and recognize our children's fear, acted out in the things the would do. When we began responding to their fear instead of reacting to the behavior it brought about, we began to see dramatic healing.

This is a short book and easy to read. But it's hard to put into practice because it goes against so much of what we've learned from "common wisdom." The one thing that makes it worth it all is that it works! It works right up front, and the changes in our children are lasting. Yes, there are regressions, but because we've learned to move beyond consequences our home is a far more peaceful place, and our children are living out the love-based behavior we so desire to nurture in their lives.

This book puts relationship before performance,which in my way of thinking, is unconditional love. Is there anything more important than relationship? We don't want "robot children." We want children who can feel and connect in meaningful ways with others, beginnning with their parents. In a word, this book communicates grace-based technniques.

I loved this book! It really is amazing to bring everything back to Love versus Fear and being present with your child. It sounds so easy, but most people I observe don't do it regularly and well- even "great parents"! It has been huge learning to just be there for my daughter, to listen and really hear what she is saying instead of knee jerk-reacting! It has already affected my life inside and outside of my home and I know it will continue to be life changing if I continue to be aware and grow in these areas!

I heard Dr. Post speak and then I purchased the book. I knew right away that what they were saying made sense and not many others were saying it. I had done a lot of research and had listened to a lot of friends give advice, but parenting my daughter in those ways was not working and was not getting the same results as they were getting or that I even recall having when my mom and dad raised me!

I keep this book available to re-read and re-read. It is amazing how something so simple can get so difficult as we live out day to day life. I need these reminders! Also, Great examples!

Because I so loved this book I did some research and I also just completed a training with one of the authors Heather Forbes (and Eric Guy) of this model -My husband came with me and we both loved it and have been applying it not only to our relationship and interactions with our daughter but with each other.

Some of these principles in the book have given us instant positive results- I have never heard my daughter speak out the things that are overwhelming her so clearly or so soon, especially when the beginning of the sharing was her yelling at me that I was "so mean" for say, making her turn off a TV show. With other parenting styles I would have sent her instantly to her room or time out with a "don't you use that tone with me young lady" Now the TV still stays off, but we end up talking, yelling slows down and instead of tears and more screaming, I actually end up hearing her heart about topics totally unrelated to the anger expressed about turning off the TV. It is amazing! Other things we are still working on, mostly on applying things that are in areas I now see I have my own issues not yet healed.

I highly recommend this book to anyone, and especially to those whose children have been adopted, have been through some sort of trauma, have attachment issue or very low ability to manage stress and who don't respond to more traditional parenting methods like you would have expected. Actually- to those families the book will be life saving- to any families you will love what it brings into your tool-box!

READ IT! And if you are reading this book and would like another tool in your tool-box, sign up on Heather Forbes' website Beyond Consequences website for free Daily Parenting Tips! I signed up for heather's Parenting emails and was amazed how each day they came so right on target and made me look at myself, not just my child's behaviors. It reinforces what the book teaches in a daily, timely way! **Sorry this post is so long- hopefully you skimmed to get out of it what applied to your life or what you are seeking to know about the book. :- )

Press on! as Heather Forbes would say!

I am an adoptive mother of a child adopted at birth. For years, I searched for answers to her emotional meltdowns. I never considered her pre-birth trauma & felt that our love would be able to overcome her adoption issues. As a psychotherapist, I have read many, many books & articles but none of them helped. This book is a God send! I give it to all of my cients who wrestle with their own bonding issues. Don't we all to some extent? It is changing my relationship with my child who is now physically grown but there is still so much emotional maturity to be had. Heather Forbes has been there as a mother & Bryan Post was one of those children. This book is incredibly honest & insightful. This is not just for attachment challenged children. It is helpful with everyone; it helps us give ourselves the grace to accept our wounds from the past, to love ourselves & to move on to maturity. I cannot recommend this book enough. I cannot thank Bryan & Heather enough for getting this information out to us. It is life changing!

I am an adoptive mother of 2 children adopted at 4 years of age. Both of my children have behaviours that would be considered "attachment disordered".

With the arrival of our second child 3 months ago our home turned into a nightmare of chaos, aggression, defiance and fear. We tried various strategies to control our children without success and life was continuting to spiral downwards in a frightening way.

Then I found Beyond Consequences, and at last I have finally found hope that our family can indeed heal. The stress model is so very simple to understand and the love-based techniques outlined really do work. They also feel so right - many of the traditional attachment-based strategies just didn't feel 'right' to me - I would implement them and when my child was more traumatised than ever I would wonder if I was doing the right thing or not. Not so with love-based techniques, I just know that this is the right way to help my children heal.

This book is truly amazing and I would recommend every adoptive family, whether they have children with severe behaviours or not read it over and over.

This book was about love! This book was about seeing children from a love-based perspective. It was about responding to children with love (which allows us to think clearly and rationally). It was about healing. It was about providing emotional safety for children with trauma histories. Heather T. Forbes & B. Bryan Post, the authors of this book, address some of the most crucial and demanding issues faced by parents of children with histories of disrupted attachments.

This book taught me how to uncover my own fears, step into my child's inner world, and respond to their behaviors with love. By confronting my own fears, I am better able to help my child confront his or her or fears. The book emphasizes that we should parent children from a place of love and compassion rather than fear and control.

Easy reading!

I recommed this book to EVERYONE!

Beyond Consequences is a must read for anyone with children in their lives! I personally am not a parent yet, but have a nephew who suffers from ADHD. This book helped me understand that he has needs that are different from other childrens', and taught me more than I ever could have expected! I highly recommend this book to you, and also anyone else with children in their lives!!!

This book is amazing and Heather Forbes is brilliant. (In the interest of full disclosure, I'm a therapist-in-training (intern) who works with teens and families with a company called Vive!) Parents who come to Vive for help with their teens who are acting out are often introduced to Heather's books because her love-based model is sooooooo easy to understand and fairly simple to apply to real-life situations and relationships. I see parent coach therapists at Vive often referring parents to Heather's ideas when they call, in crisis, because their teens are in need of help regulating their emotions. Our therapeutic mentors for teens also often look to Heather's books and use her ideas with their teenaged clients....

I am a therapist and a school social worker for emotionally handicapped adolescents. As a therapist and social worker, I am involved with childen who live in their family of origin, foster children and adopted children. They have all experienced some type of trauma and come from places of much stress. The Stress Model works; it is more than an explanation, it is a method. Since steering my practice in the direction of helping children and parents attempt to overcome stress (read fear) and come from a place of love and empathy, children's behaviors are no longer overwhelming to me. I seldom consider the need for hospitalization to stabilize a child. The model as taught by Bryan Post and Heather Forbes is as clear as a road mpap that includes maneuvers to get you where you are going. It isn't technical jargon; it is real. Buy it! Read it! Re-read it! And don't lend your copy out; keep it near you. Elaine Spicer, LCSW