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Bill The Vampire (The Tome of Bill Book 1) [Kindle Edition]

Rick Gualtieri
4.3 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (298 customer reviews)

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Book Description

There are reasons we fear the night. He isn't one of them.

Bill Ryder was a dateless dweeb, bumbling his way aimlessly through life until the day he died. Unfortunately for him, that was just the beginning of his troubles. He awoke as a vampire, one of the legendary predators of the night. Sadly, fangs or not, he was still at the bottom of the food chain.

Now he finds himself surrounded by creatures stronger, deadlier, and a whole lot cooler than he is. Worst yet, they all want him dead - permanently this time.

Bill isn't exactly average, though. A vampire like him hasn't been seen in centuries. He's got a few tricks up his sleeve, unlikely allies, and an attitude problem that makes him too damn obnoxious to quit.

Join him in this hilarious tale of monsters, mayhem, and the unlikely hero who's not afraid to tell them all off - even if it gets his teeth kicked in.


Bill the Vampire (the Tome of Bill, part 1) is 80k words of foul-mouthed horror comedy by Rick Gualtieri, author of Scary Dead Things (The Tome of Bill, part 2) and Bigfoot Hunters.

Editorial Reviews


"Many times, I found myself smiling if not outright chuckling at the witty one-liners that his characters presented as well as the situations that they found themselves in as the story unfolded." -

From the Author

Welcome to the Tome of Bill series - an urban fantasy world aimed at bringing the vampire genre back from the dark brooding crypt it's slept in these past several years. It's time to make the undead fun again.

This is the story of Bill Ryder, a wise-cracking, D&D playing programmer who, much to his dismay, learns firsthand that vampires and other monsters are real. There's just one problem: despite the danger, he can't bring himself to take the supernatural world all that seriously. Action, adventure and lots of politically incorrect laughs follow at he traverses the dark underworld of these bloodthirsty immortals.

Writing these books puts a huge smile on my face. I sincerely hope you have as much fun reading them.

The Tome of Bill currently includes:
Bill the Vampire (book 1)
Scary Dead Things (book 2)
The Mourning Woods (book 3)
Holier Than Thou (book 4)
Sunset Strip: A Tale From The Tome Of Bill
Goddamned Freaky Monsters (book 5)
Half-a-Prayer (book 6)

The Tome of Bill Compendium (vol 1) - Books 1-4 of the series in one collection for those who wish to follow the adventure and save a few bucks in the process.


6 Tips for Avoiding a Vampire Attack from Rick Gualtieri

Being seduced by a beautiful immortal makes for pretty good fantasy, but let's face facts: actually getting your throat torn thrown out by a ravenous creature of the night would probably suck big time - pun fully intended. Here are my tips for avoiding a gruesome fate at the hands of the undead.

1: Avoid being where vampires are
Yeah, that might sound obvious, but you need to cover your bases first if you're gonna live to see your next sunrise. This means staying away from old castles, spooky forests, and villages where they fork the sign of the evil eye at strangers before boarding up their cottages for the night. Note: this shouldn't be confused with avoiding Goth clubs or other places where the patronage are sporting bad capes and false fangs. Those places should be avoided as well, mind you, but for entirely different reasons.

2: Carry a vampire slaying kit
Much like burglars will avoid a house guarded by a Doberman named Grimlock, most vampires would likewise prefer an easy meal as opposed to someone armed to the teeth with weaponry that would make Buffy Summers weep with joy. Some items to never leave home without: Stakes - both wooden and silver, crucifix, holy water, crossbow, machete, and a heavy caliber gun with silver bullets (also handy for werewolves).

3: Wait, won't most of that stuff get me arrested?
Probably, but ask yourself what's worse: a few nights in jail followed by a psych evaluation, or an eternity of servitude to the forces of darkness?  Yeah, I thought so. So either man up or just pour some barbeque sauce on your neck and get it over with.

4: Don't rely on garlic
Unless you're a chef, in which case use as much garlic as you want. For the rest of us, though, garlic is iffy at best as a vampire deterrent. It might ward off some, but others might just take it for later use in a marinara sauce and then just bite you anyway. Also, walking around with cloves of garlic hanging from your neck is a good way for ensuring you get ignored by everyone except maybe the vampires chasing you.

5: Running water is a fool's errand
Sure, if you're on one side of the English Channel and a vamp is on the other, the odds are in your favor. Small streams, creeks, and/or swimming pools aren't gonna do much, though, outside of maybe getting a vampire wet - which will only tick them off and lead to a beating before they sink their fangs in. There's no point in adding insult to injury.

6: Only go out during the day
Don't let your friends fool you. They may be out having all sorts of fun at parties, clubs, concerts and the like, but you'll have the last laugh as you sit locked up tight in your home after sundown, surrounded by anti-vamp paraphernalia. Yeah, a member of the opposite sex might occasionally insist that you take them out to a late dinner or a movie, but don't be fooled. They may very well be thralls, hoping to lure you to a messy doom at the hands of their filthy vampire masters. Trust no one. The undead are everywhere.

Product Details

  • File Size: 1263 KB
  • Print Length: 365 pages
  • Publisher: Freewill Press (January 10, 2014)
  • Sold by: Amazon Digital Services, Inc.
  • Language: English
  • ASIN: B0058I8A6K
  • Text-to-Speech: Enabled
  • X-Ray:
  • Word Wise: Enabled
  • Lending: Enabled
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #12,145 Paid in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Paid in Kindle Store)
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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews
33 of 36 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars A Tour de Farce! September 11, 2011
Format:Kindle Edition
What can I say about Bill the Vampire? ROTFLMAO! Imagine if you will, your local technically minded, slightly overweight individual (geek) gets turned into a vampire by a super hot chick (Bitch!) and then has to deal with a coven of vampires that looks like they just stepped out of a Tommy Hilfiger ad. The lead vampire hates his guts and wants him out of the picture as soon as possible and the gal who turned him has an agenda all her own and won't give him the basic skills to survive as a vampire. Add to that the companionship of two equally strange roommates that nothing can faze, vampire rules that are completely different than what's been passed around and a vampire singeing Transformer and you have the strange tale of how Bill the vampire became Dr. Death!

Liberally greased with modern nerd in-jokes and a severe disrespect for "glittery" vampires, this book is the perfect vampire tale for the 21st century adult that needs a good laugh. Not your average vampire, Bill will become your new vampire friend with something funny to say in the middle of the worst possible situations.

There are only a few typos and incorrectly phrased sentences (due to spellcheck), but none of them are distracting enough to slow down or disturb the pace of the book. The characters are all fleshed out to a tee, and Bill and his roomies are hilarious. I can't wait to see what kind of high jinx Bill and Sally get into in the next book.

I received a free copy for review.
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100 of 119 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Not good. Or funny. Or good. January 30, 2013
Format:Kindle Edition
This book was really bad. The concept was pretty good, but the execution was really weak. I really think that it started to go off the rails at the introduction. You can't write an introduction about how easy it is to write comedy, then follow it up with a book that isn't funny. (And that whole bit about "if one person laughs, it's comedy"? I encourage you to set the bar a little higher.)
If a "you sucked on a guy so you're totally GAY" joke is funny to you, then you should get this book. If you expect more from your "humor" than somebody calling a woman a bitch over and over (and over and over and over and over,) this is not the book for you.
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44 of 51 people found the following review helpful
By Scott
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
Many of the jokes in the book revolve around how performing a blowjob on another man is worse than [insert current plot point here] (e.g. becoming a vampire, finding out your roommate is a vampire, etc.). When the character takes a break from juvenile homophobia, he tends to to switch to misogyny. Beyond that, the main character is the Holden Caulfield of douches. Just about everyone he meets or thinks about (with the exception of characters he wants to have sex with, who instead get called Bitch!) are called out as douches, by the Vampire King of Douches himself, the main character Bill. Generally, I like what the author is attempting to do with a modern vampire who is not a moody teenager, but he does it in an offhandedly insulting way with some of the jokes he chooses/repeats. I thoroughly enjoyed the nerd-based humor, but, to me, it did not outweigh the barrage of gay/sexist jokes.
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27 of 30 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Fun to read October 16, 2011
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
Bill is not exactly Indiana Jones but he does manage to stumble his way to success in a similar manner. Albeit with much more swearing than Indy. Still, despite a tough start the character does build as the plot progresses, and gets strong enough that you forget that he and his friends are blood-thirsty killers. Written in a "Howard Stern" kind of voice, Bill dialog from brain-to-mouth with no filters, but still manages to deliver some very funny lines and gets more introspective as the story evolves. In the end he became fleshed-out enough for me to want to read the next tome about Bill. Sally, Bill's "frenimey", is witty, snarky and adds a great deal to the story, and in many ways is a more interesting character than Bill himself. I'm hoping his character matures past his current mental age of 13 in future books. All in all a great read, even for someone who really does not like Vampire books.
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17 of 18 people found the following review helpful
2.0 out of 5 stars Bill the Snooze June 17, 2013
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
I got through 32 percent of the book (according to Kindle) and grew very bored. There is a lot of superfluous material that does absolutely nothing to keep me interested. Many paragraphs are huge blocks of words that say nothing even after 12 straight lines of 'blah'.

I still haven't found a single lovable character. Not a one. Worst, there isn't a single interesting character either. I can't say I disliked what I read, but I have no urge, whatsoever, to continue reading. The story caught my attention in the first few lines, then lost it with the dozens upon dozens of filler paragraphs.

By the time something resembling story flow comes along, my apathy has grown to such an extent that it taints those scenes with disinterest.

Conclusion: A possibly interesting and humorous premise that drowns under the weight of pointless and directionless wording. I won't be finding out if it gets better. Its just too boring.
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15 of 16 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars I have no problem with bad words, but seriously April 21, 2014
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
The sample almost put it me off. It was over flowing with flithy language, misogyny, and white-boy angst. I have no problem with bad words, but seriously, this was so crass it was bordering on ridiculous. I was interested enough to go ahead and read the whole book, and I did enjoy it. The language tapered off, but if the Bill called the girl in the book b***h one more time I might have stopped reading. I hope that the writer grew up a little before writing the next book.
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
1.0 out of 5 stars Boring as heck
Written by or for 15 year old boys. Boring as heck; couldn't get through it
Published 13 minutes ago by B Caissie
1.0 out of 5 stars hard to like a book when you hate the main character
The book was as advertised, but the nerd who is the main character is so realistic, I couldn't get past Chapter 3. What a jerk! Read more
Published 10 days ago by Suze57
5.0 out of 5 stars Loved it
I really did enjoy this book. It was really funny. I kept telling everyone I talked to about what I was reading. I already purchased the next one.
Published 13 days ago by Kari
5.0 out of 5 stars He just loved it.
Bought it for a male workmate to read. He just loved it ... and keeps bugging me to read it .. only reason I have not is that I have so many books to get through first.
Published 21 days ago by murphy
5.0 out of 5 stars If you're the type of person who is on board with D&D, Transformers...
I really enjoyed this book. Without getting into too many specifics, I think this is the sort of book where if it looks appealing to you, you will almost certainly like it. Read more
Published 23 days ago by Jeff
5.0 out of 5 stars It's an easy read leaving you wanting more
This book is a tongue in cheek vampire /monster comedy book. There are a ton of off the wall references you may or may not get based on your age and what you've read or watched... Read more
Published 23 days ago by Amazon Customer
4.0 out of 5 stars This was a real stupid book, so I never purchased or read the ...
This was a real stupid book, so I never purchased or read the follow up books. I liked it, but not enough to buy any more. Worth the ninety nine cents I paid for it.
Published 29 days ago by Amazon Customer
4.0 out of 5 stars Love the cover-It's like Napoleon Dynamite was turned vampire
I give this book four out of five stars for making me laugh out loud, for thinking about the plot when I wasn't reading it, and a memorable protagonist. Read more
Published 1 month ago by Andrea Luhman
3.0 out of 5 stars I don't know. I think I was a little ...
I don't know. I think I was a little put off by the ending. Seemed somehow unfair. But the book treats the idea of an ordinary Joe the Plumber becoming a vampire extremely well. Read more
Published 1 month ago by Cryoruggie
5.0 out of 5 stars Nothing is perfect, especially when you're a vampire with (Bitch) as...
It's actually a 4.99! Nothing is perfect, especially when you're a vampire with (Bitch) as your own personal sidekick , right? Read more
Published 1 month ago by Jeff
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