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Bill The Vampire (The Tome of Bill Book 1) [Kindle Edition]

Rick Gualtieri
4.4 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (232 customer reviews)

Print List Price: $13.99
Kindle Price: $3.99
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New Adult Fiction by Rainbow Rowell
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Book Description

There are reasons we fear the night. He isn't one of them.

Bill Ryder was a dateless dweeb...then he died. Unfortunately for him that was just the beginning of his troubles. He awoke to find himself a vampire, one of the legendary predators of the night. Sadly, fangs or not, he was still at the bottom of the food chain.

Now he finds himself surrounded by creatures stronger, deadlier and a whole lot cooler than he is. Worst yet, they all want him dead...permanently this time.

Bill isn't exactly average, though. A vampire like him hasn't been seen in centuries. He's got a few tricks up his sleeve, unlikely allies, and an attitude problem that makes him too damn obnoxious to quit.

Join him in this hilarious tale of monsters, mayhem, and the unlikely hero who's not afraid to tell them all off...even if it gets his teeth kicked in.

**********

Bill the Vampire (the Tome of Bill, part 1) is 80k words of foul-mouthed horror comedy by Rick Gualtieri, author of Scary Dead Things (The Tome of Bill, part 2) and Bigfoot Hunters.


Editorial Reviews

Review

"Many times, I found myself smiling if not outright chuckling at the witty one-liners that his characters presented as well as the situations that they found themselves in as the story unfolded." - Examiner.com

From the Author

6 Tips for Avoiding a Vampire Attack from Rick Gualtieri

Being seduced by a beautiful immortal makes for pretty good fantasy, but let's face facts: actually getting your throat torn thrown out by a ravenous creature of the night would probably suck big time - pun fully intended. Here are my tips for avoiding a gruesome fate at the hands of the undead.

1: Avoid being where vampires are
Yeah, that might sound obvious, but you need to cover your bases first if you're gonna live to see your next sunrise. This means staying away from old castles, spooky forests, and villages where they fork the sign of the evil eye at strangers before boarding up their cottages for the night. Note: this shouldn't be confused with avoiding Goth clubs or other places where the patronage are sporting bad capes and false fangs. Those places should be avoided as well, mind you, but for entirely different reasons.

2: Carry a vampire slaying kit
Much like burglars will avoid a house guarded by a Doberman named Grimlock, most vampires would likewise prefer an easy meal as opposed to someone armed to the teeth with weaponry that would make Buffy Summers weep with joy. Some items to never leave home without: Stakes - both wooden and silver, crucifix, holy water, crossbow, machete, and a heavy caliber gun with silver bullets (also handy for werewolves).

3: Wait, won't most of that stuff get me arrested?
Probably, but ask yourself what's worse: a few nights in jail followed by a psych evaluation, or an eternity of servitude to the forces of darkness?  Yeah, I thought so. So either man up or just pour some barbeque sauce on your neck and get it over with.

4: Don't rely on garlic
Unless you're a chef, in which case use as much garlic as you want. For the rest of us, though, garlic is iffy at best as a vampire deterrent. It might ward off some, but others might just take it for later use in a marinara sauce and then just bite you anyway. Also, walking around with cloves of garlic hanging from your neck is a good way for ensuring you get ignored by everyone except maybe the vampires chasing you.

5: Running water is a fool's errand
Sure, if you're on one side of the English Channel and a vamp is on the other, the odds are in your favor. Small streams, creeks, and/or swimming pools aren't gonna do much, though, outside of maybe getting a vampire wet - which will only tick them off and lead to a beating before they sink their fangs in. There's no point in adding insult to injury.

6: Only go out during the day
Don't let your friends fool you. They may be out having all sorts of fun at parties, clubs, concerts and the like, but you'll have the last laugh as you sit locked up tight in your home after sundown, surrounded by anti-vamp paraphernalia. Yeah, a member of the opposite sex might occasionally insist that you take them out to a late dinner or a movie, but don't be fooled. They may very well be thralls, hoping to lure you to a messy doom at the hands of their filthy vampire masters. Trust no one. The undead are everywhere.

Product Details

  • File Size: 1263 KB
  • Print Length: 365 pages
  • Publisher: Freewill Press (January 10, 2014)
  • Sold by: Amazon Digital Services, Inc.
  • Language: English
  • ASIN: B0058I8A6K
  • Text-to-Speech: Enabled
  • X-Ray:
  • Lending: Enabled
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #13,141 Paid in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Paid in Kindle Store)
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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews
27 of 30 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars A Tour de Farce! September 11, 2011
Format:Kindle Edition
What can I say about Bill the Vampire? ROTFLMAO! Imagine if you will, your local technically minded, slightly overweight individual (geek) gets turned into a vampire by a super hot chick (Bitch!) and then has to deal with a coven of vampires that looks like they just stepped out of a Tommy Hilfiger ad. The lead vampire hates his guts and wants him out of the picture as soon as possible and the gal who turned him has an agenda all her own and won't give him the basic skills to survive as a vampire. Add to that the companionship of two equally strange roommates that nothing can faze, vampire rules that are completely different than what's been passed around and a vampire singeing Transformer and you have the strange tale of how Bill the vampire became Dr. Death!

Liberally greased with modern nerd in-jokes and a severe disrespect for "glittery" vampires, this book is the perfect vampire tale for the 21st century adult that needs a good laugh. Not your average vampire, Bill will become your new vampire friend with something funny to say in the middle of the worst possible situations.

There are only a few typos and incorrectly phrased sentences (due to spellcheck), but none of them are distracting enough to slow down or disturb the pace of the book. The characters are all fleshed out to a tee, and Bill and his roomies are hilarious. I can't wait to see what kind of high jinx Bill and Sally get into in the next book.

I received a free copy for review.
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81 of 98 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Not good. Or funny. Or good. January 30, 2013
Format:Kindle Edition
This book was really bad. The concept was pretty good, but the execution was really weak. I really think that it started to go off the rails at the introduction. You can't write an introduction about how easy it is to write comedy, then follow it up with a book that isn't funny. (And that whole bit about "if one person laughs, it's comedy"? I encourage you to set the bar a little higher.)
If a "you sucked on a guy so you're totally GAY" joke is funny to you, then you should get this book. If you expect more from your "humor" than somebody calling a woman a bitch over and over (and over and over and over and over,) this is not the book for you.
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25 of 28 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Fun to read October 16, 2011
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
Bill is not exactly Indiana Jones but he does manage to stumble his way to success in a similar manner. Albeit with much more swearing than Indy. Still, despite a tough start the character does build as the plot progresses, and gets strong enough that you forget that he and his friends are blood-thirsty killers. Written in a "Howard Stern" kind of voice, Bill dialog from brain-to-mouth with no filters, but still manages to deliver some very funny lines and gets more introspective as the story evolves. In the end he became fleshed-out enough for me to want to read the next tome about Bill. Sally, Bill's "frenimey", is witty, snarky and adds a great deal to the story, and in many ways is a more interesting character than Bill himself. I'm hoping his character matures past his current mental age of 13 in future books. All in all a great read, even for someone who really does not like Vampire books.
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10 of 10 people found the following review helpful
2.0 out of 5 stars Bill the Snooze June 17, 2013
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
I got through 32 percent of the book (according to Kindle) and grew very bored. There is a lot of superfluous material that does absolutely nothing to keep me interested. Many paragraphs are huge blocks of words that say nothing even after 12 straight lines of 'blah'.

I still haven't found a single lovable character. Not a one. Worst, there isn't a single interesting character either. I can't say I disliked what I read, but I have no urge, whatsoever, to continue reading. The story caught my attention in the first few lines, then lost it with the dozens upon dozens of filler paragraphs.

By the time something resembling story flow comes along, my apathy has grown to such an extent that it taints those scenes with disinterest.

Conclusion: A possibly interesting and humorous premise that drowns under the weight of pointless and directionless wording. I won't be finding out if it gets better. Its just too boring.
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29 of 35 people found the following review helpful
By Scott
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
Many of the jokes in the book revolve around how performing a blowjob on another man is worse than [insert current plot point here] (e.g. becoming a vampire, finding out your roommate is a vampire, etc.). When the character takes a break from juvenile homophobia, he tends to to switch to misogyny. Beyond that, the main character is the Holden Caulfield of douches. Just about everyone he meets or thinks about (with the exception of characters he wants to have sex with, who instead get called Bitch!) are called out as douches, by the Vampire King of Douches himself, the main character Bill. Generally, I like what the author is attempting to do with a modern vampire who is not a moody teenager, but he does it in an offhandedly insulting way with some of the jokes he chooses/repeats. I thoroughly enjoyed the nerd-based humor, but, to me, it did not outweigh the barrage of gay/sexist jokes.
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6 of 6 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars Entertaining dialogs, less than thrilling plot January 3, 2013
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
Highly entertaining dialog between the characters. The plot was underwhelming and very base. If you think of the book as a sitcom on television, you will likely enjoy the book. If you are looking for epic adventure, then this will not be your cup of tea. Overall, it was enjoyable.
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
5.0 out of 5 stars Five out of Five stars!
Bill The Vampire is the first in Author Rick Gualtieri's Supernatural Comedy series The Tome of Bill, setting the stage for newly turned nerd vampire Bill. Read more
Published 2 days ago by Michael Loring
4.0 out of 5 stars Big Bang Theory and Vampires
It's an hilarious book that would give life to vampires again if people weren't so tired of them. It's funny and gives a unique perspective on vampires from the a nerd. Read more
Published 3 days ago by aj
3.0 out of 5 stars Calling out for an editor
Average entry in the flooded fantasy genre. Not as funny as one would hope, and since the characters were cardboardish, not much to recommend here. Read more
Published 4 days ago by Mike Brosnan
4.0 out of 5 stars Goofy but Seriously Good Read!
I really like the idea of taking all the mystical and magical out of the vampire stories and making this more realistic and modern. Read more
Published 4 days ago by W. Riley
4.0 out of 5 stars Very entertaining take on vampirism
this was in a very entertaining book with new takes on the vampire lore, as well as a lot of humor, as an ordinary guy deals with his undeath.
Published 8 days ago by Russ C
4.0 out of 5 stars Sub genres rule
In checking my reading list I ran across Rick Gualtrieris book Bill. What a happy accident horror comedy is hard to do Rick does it well.
Published 11 days ago by Thomboze Amazon Customer
2.0 out of 5 stars ... he knew what 24 year old nerdy boys were like.
I think the author tried too hard to prove he knew what 24 year old nerdy boys were like.
Published 13 days ago by Marie34285
4.0 out of 5 stars Hilarious paranormal series
I love these Tome of Bill books! I'm an avid urban fantasy/paranormal reader and have to say that I have never actually laughed out loud when reading a book... Read more
Published 13 days ago by Lori E. Huber
5.0 out of 5 stars Five Stars
A very funny book which I will reread often. There ware only a few relatively
minor editing errors.
Published 14 days ago by LLMose
5.0 out of 5 stars Laugh out loud funny
I love me some vampire. This is the most original and well written vampire story I've read in a long time. Read more
Published 15 days ago by KassyRuth
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More About the Author

Rick Gualtieri lives alone in a dark, evil place called New Jersey with only his wife, three kids, and countless pets to both keep him company and constantly plot against him. When he's not busy monkey-clicking out words, he can typically be found jealously guarding his collection of vintage Transformers from all who would seek to defile them - Defilers Beware!

His upcoming works include:
DEVIL HUNTERS
HALF A PRAYER

Visit him at:
Blog - www.poptartmanifesto.com
Facebook - facebook.com/RickGualtieriAuthor
Twitter - twitter.com/RickGualtieri

Or just drop him a line at rickg.author@gmail.com.

Don't be shy. Unlike the creatures in his novels, he doesn't bite. :)

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