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Bill The Vampire (The Tome of Bill Book 1) [Kindle Edition]

Rick Gualtieri
4.3 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (315 customer reviews)

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Book Description

There are reasons we fear the night. He's not one of them.

Bill Ryder was a dateless geek, slacking his way aimlessly through life right up until the day he was killed. Unfortunately for him, that was just the beginning of his troubles. He awoke as a vampire, one of the legendary predators of the night. Sadly, fangs or not, he was still at the bottom of the food chain.

Now he finds himself surrounded by creatures stronger, deadlier, and a whole lot cooler than he is. Worst yet, most of them want him dead - permanently this time.

Bill isn't exactly average, though. A vampire like him hasn't been seen in centuries. He's got a few tricks up his sleeve, unlikely allies, and an attitude problem that makes him too damn obnoxious to quit.

Join him in this hilarious tale of monsters, mayhem, and the unlikely hero who's not afraid to tell them all off - even if it gets his teeth kicked in.


Bill The Vampire, book one in The Tome of Bill series, is a foul-mouthed horror comedy with a nasty overbite.

Editorial Reviews


"Many times, I found myself smiling if not outright chuckling at the witty one-liners that his characters presented as well as the situations that they found themselves in as the story unfolded." -

From the Author

Welcome to The Tome of Bill - the series that drags the vampire genre out of the dark brooding crypt it's slept in these past several years. It's time to make the undead fun again.

This is the story of Bill Ryder, a wise-cracking, D&D playing programmer who, much to his dismay, learns firsthand that vampires and other monsters are real. There's just one problem: despite the danger, he can't bring himself to take the supernatural all that seriously. Action, adventure and lots of politically incorrect laughs follow at he traverses the dark underworld of these bloodthirsty immortals.

Writing these books puts a huge smile on my face. I sincerely hope you have as much fun reading them.

The Tome of Bill currently includes:
Bill the Vampire (book 1)
Scary Dead Things (book 2)
The Mourning Woods (book 3)
Holier Than Thou (book 4)
Sunset Strip: A Tale From The Tome Of Bill
Goddamned Freaky Monsters (book 5)
Half-a-Prayer (book 6)

The Tome of Bill Compendium (vol 1) - Books 1-4 of the series in one collection for those who wish to follow the adventure and save a few bucks in the process.


Tips for Surviving all those damned Vampires*
by Rick Gualtieri

Being seduced by a beautiful immortal makes for pretty good fantasy. There's just one small problem. Actually getting your throat torn out by a ravenous creature of the night is a wee bit less glamorous than Hollywood would have you believe. Here are my tips for avoiding a gruesome fate at the hands of the undead.
  1. Avoid being where vampires are. Yeah, that might sound obvious, but you need to cover the basics first if you're gonna live to see your next sunrise. This means staying away from old castles, spooky forests, and villages where they fork the sign of the evil eye at strangers. Note: this shouldn't be confused with avoiding places where the patronage are sporting sparkly makeup and false fangs. You may wish to stay out of those spots as well, mind you, but for entirely different reasons.
  2. Carry a vampire slaying kit. Much like burglars avoid houses guarded by angry Dobermans, most vamps prefer easy meals over folks sporting weaponry that would make Buffy Summers weep with joy. Thus, you should never leave home without: wooden stakes, crucifix, holy water, crossbow, machete, and a heavy caliber gun with silver bullets (bonus - also handy for werewolves).
  3. Hold on there, Jethro, won't most of that stuff get me arrested? Probably, but ask yourself what's worse: a psych evaluation and maybe a few nights in jail or an eternity of servitude to the forces of darkness?  Yeah, that's what I thought. It's up to you to decide if you're gonna man up because otherwise just pour some barbeque sauce on your neck and get it over with.
  4. Don't rely on garlic. For vampires anyway. Though a tasty ingredient, garlic is iffy at best as a vampire deterrent. Most will steal it for later use in a marinara sauce and then just bite you anyway. Also, running around with cloves of garlic hanging from your neck is a good way to get labeled as a weirdo, ensuring you get ignored by everyone - except maybe the vampires chasing you. 
  5. Running water is a fool's errand. Sure, if you're on one side of the English Channel and a vamp is on the other, the odds are in your favor. Streams, creeks, or swimming pools, though, aren't gonna do much except maybe get a vampire wet. This will do nothing to help your cause, unless maybe you have some fetish for being killed by a damp vampire. Hey, we don't judge.
  6. Only go out during the day. Don't let your friends fool you. They may be out having all sorts of fun at parties, clubs, concerts and the like, but you'll have the last laugh as you sit at home, locked up tight and surrounded by anti-vampire paraphernalia. Yeah, a so-called significant other might occasionally insist that you take them out to dinner or a movie, but don't be fooled. They may very well be thralls, hoping to lure you to a messy fate at the hands of their vampire overlords. Trust no one. The undead are everywhere.
*legal disclaimer - don't actually do this!!!

Product Details

  • File Size: 2632 KB
  • Print Length: 364 pages
  • Publisher: Westmarch Publishing (January 10, 2014)
  • Sold by: Amazon Digital Services, Inc.
  • Language: English
  • ASIN: B0058I8A6K
  • Text-to-Speech: Enabled
  • X-Ray:
  • Word Wise: Enabled
  • Lending: Enabled
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #57,996 Paid in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Paid in Kindle Store)
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Customer Reviews

4.3 out of 5 stars
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Most Helpful Customer Reviews
33 of 37 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars A Tour de Farce! September 11, 2011
Format:Kindle Edition
What can I say about Bill the Vampire? ROTFLMAO! Imagine if you will, your local technically minded, slightly overweight individual (geek) gets turned into a vampire by a super hot chick (Bitch!) and then has to deal with a coven of vampires that looks like they just stepped out of a Tommy Hilfiger ad. The lead vampire hates his guts and wants him out of the picture as soon as possible and the gal who turned him has an agenda all her own and won't give him the basic skills to survive as a vampire. Add to that the companionship of two equally strange roommates that nothing can faze, vampire rules that are completely different than what's been passed around and a vampire singeing Transformer and you have the strange tale of how Bill the vampire became Dr. Death!

Liberally greased with modern nerd in-jokes and a severe disrespect for "glittery" vampires, this book is the perfect vampire tale for the 21st century adult that needs a good laugh. Not your average vampire, Bill will become your new vampire friend with something funny to say in the middle of the worst possible situations.

There are only a few typos and incorrectly phrased sentences (due to spellcheck), but none of them are distracting enough to slow down or disturb the pace of the book. The characters are all fleshed out to a tee, and Bill and his roomies are hilarious. I can't wait to see what kind of high jinx Bill and Sally get into in the next book.

I received a free copy for review.
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102 of 122 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Not good. Or funny. Or good. January 30, 2013
Format:Kindle Edition
This book was really bad. The concept was pretty good, but the execution was really weak. I really think that it started to go off the rails at the introduction. You can't write an introduction about how easy it is to write comedy, then follow it up with a book that isn't funny. (And that whole bit about "if one person laughs, it's comedy"? I encourage you to set the bar a little higher.)
If a "you sucked on a guy so you're totally GAY" joke is funny to you, then you should get this book. If you expect more from your "humor" than somebody calling a woman a bitch over and over (and over and over and over and over,) this is not the book for you.
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27 of 30 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Fun to read October 16, 2011
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
Bill is not exactly Indiana Jones but he does manage to stumble his way to success in a similar manner. Albeit with much more swearing than Indy. Still, despite a tough start the character does build as the plot progresses, and gets strong enough that you forget that he and his friends are blood-thirsty killers. Written in a "Howard Stern" kind of voice, Bill dialog from brain-to-mouth with no filters, but still manages to deliver some very funny lines and gets more introspective as the story evolves. In the end he became fleshed-out enough for me to want to read the next tome about Bill. Sally, Bill's "frenimey", is witty, snarky and adds a great deal to the story, and in many ways is a more interesting character than Bill himself. I'm hoping his character matures past his current mental age of 13 in future books. All in all a great read, even for someone who really does not like Vampire books.
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45 of 54 people found the following review helpful
By Scott
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
Many of the jokes in the book revolve around how performing a blowjob on another man is worse than [insert current plot point here] (e.g. becoming a vampire, finding out your roommate is a vampire, etc.). When the character takes a break from juvenile homophobia, he tends to to switch to misogyny. Beyond that, the main character is the Holden Caulfield of douches. Just about everyone he meets or thinks about (with the exception of characters he wants to have sex with, who instead get called Bitch!) are called out as douches, by the Vampire King of Douches himself, the main character Bill. Generally, I like what the author is attempting to do with a modern vampire who is not a moody teenager, but he does it in an offhandedly insulting way with some of the jokes he chooses/repeats. I thoroughly enjoyed the nerd-based humor, but, to me, it did not outweigh the barrage of gay/sexist jokes.
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17 of 19 people found the following review helpful
2.0 out of 5 stars Bill the Snooze June 17, 2013
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
I got through 32 percent of the book (according to Kindle) and grew very bored. There is a lot of superfluous material that does absolutely nothing to keep me interested. Many paragraphs are huge blocks of words that say nothing even after 12 straight lines of 'blah'.

I still haven't found a single lovable character. Not a one. Worst, there isn't a single interesting character either. I can't say I disliked what I read, but I have no urge, whatsoever, to continue reading. The story caught my attention in the first few lines, then lost it with the dozens upon dozens of filler paragraphs.

By the time something resembling story flow comes along, my apathy has grown to such an extent that it taints those scenes with disinterest.

Conclusion: A possibly interesting and humorous premise that drowns under the weight of pointless and directionless wording. I won't be finding out if it gets better. Its just too boring.
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15 of 17 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars I have no problem with bad words, but seriously April 21, 2014
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
The sample almost put it me off. It was over flowing with flithy language, misogyny, and white-boy angst. I have no problem with bad words, but seriously, this was so crass it was bordering on ridiculous. I was interested enough to go ahead and read the whole book, and I did enjoy it. The language tapered off, but if the Bill called the girl in the book b***h one more time I might have stopped reading. I hope that the writer grew up a little before writing the next book.
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
2.0 out of 5 stars Twilight for men
The idea of a vampire who is BAD at being a vampire sounds funny, but this book is poorly written, and chock full of mysoginy and homophobic jokes. Read more
Published 15 days ago by Mickeygees
3.0 out of 5 stars decent story
i enjoyed this for the most part. somwhat anti-woman attitude from bill. if the sequels were free I'd read them.
Published 27 days ago by MAECEEMAE
4.0 out of 5 stars A vampire story that doesn't suck. No
A vampire story that doesn't suck. No, I'm not sorry for that. It's an interesting take on the genre, and I've recommended it to some friends. It's a fine recreational read. Read more
Published 1 month ago by MLR
5.0 out of 5 stars Five Stars
Published 1 month ago by Amazon Customer
3.0 out of 5 stars not that funny, lots of "course" language
I feel that most of the hate this book receives comes from it not really being what people expect. I think the cover art of the book is pretty funny, making fun of the classic... Read more
Published 1 month ago by a guy
4.0 out of 5 stars Four Stars
Not bad, funny book.
Published 2 months ago by Amazon Customer
1.0 out of 5 stars Author needs to go back to working for McDonald's as he has no talent.
This book is so stupid. Bill is a shallow dipwad who doesn't deserve to be a vampire, seeing how people have judged him his entire life he has no right to judge others. Read more
Published 2 months ago by Jami J. Russell
4.0 out of 5 stars Funny
It was nice light funny book. Every now and then it's a treat to not have a book be intense. I like both Bill and Sally.
Published 2 months ago by annm.
4.0 out of 5 stars Pretty good book!
This book is really funny. I liked the characters well enough. Not Amazing, but definitely worth the read!
Published 2 months ago by Buttercup
5.0 out of 5 stars Great Read!
A random tweet about this book made me buy it. Sure, why not? Oh man, I love the whole 'Geek turned Vampire' thing! It was refreshing and not sparkly! Read more
Published 2 months ago by Gwendolyn
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More About the Author

Rick Gualtieri loves to write adventure, mayhem, and snarky dialogue. His bestselling Tome of Bill series combines all of this into a world of supernatural danger with hard-hitting action and plenty of sharp-tongued geeky humor.

Rick lives alone in a dark, evil place called New Jersey with only his wife, three kids, and countless pets to both keep him company and constantly plot against him. When he's not busy monkey-clicking out words, he can typically be found jealously guarding his collection of vintage Transformers from all who would seek to defile them - Defilers Beware!

Upcoming works:
THE WICKED DEAD (The Tome of Bill, part 7)

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Don't be shy. Unlike the creatures in his novels, he doesn't bite. :)

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