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Bill The Vampire (The Tome of Bill) [Kindle Edition]

Rick Gualtieri
4.4 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (210 customer reviews)

Print List Price: $13.99
Kindle Price: $3.99
You Save: $10.00 (71%)

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Book Description

There are reasons we fear the night. He isn't one of them.

Bill Ryder was a dateless dweeb, then he died. Unfortunately for him that was just the beginning of his troubles. He awoke to find himself a vampire, one of the legendary predators of the night. Sadly, fangs or not, he was still at the bottom of the food chain.

Now he finds himself surrounded by creatures stronger, deadlier and a whole lot cooler than he is. Worst yet, they all want him dead...permanently this time.

Bill isn't exactly average, though. A vampire like him hasn't been seen in centuries. He's got a few tricks up his sleeve, unlikely allies, and an attitude problem that makes him too damn obnoxious to quit.

Join him in this hilarious tale of monsters, mayhem, and the unlikely hero who's not afraid to tell them all off...even if it gets his teeth kicked in.


**********

Bill the Vampire (the Tome of Bill, part 1) is 80k words of foul-mouthed horror comedy by Rick Gualtieri, author of Scary Dead Things (The Tome of Bill, part 2) and Bigfoot Hunters.


Editorial Reviews

From the Author

The first volume in the Tome of Bill comedy / horror series - my attempt at bringing the vampire genre back from the dark brooding place it's been for the past several years. It's time to make the undead fun again.

Welcome to the story of Bill Ryder, a wise-cracking, sharp-tongued geek who just can't take the supernatural world too seriously. It's action, adventure and lots of politically incorrect laughs. If you're a fan of Army of Darkness or Big Trouble in Little China then you're in the right place.

Writing these books puts a huge smile on my face.  I sincerely hope you have as much fun reading them.

The Tome of Bill currently includes:
Bill the Vampire (book 1)
Scary Dead Things (book 2)
The Mourning Woods (book 3)
Holier Than Thou (book 4)
Goddamned Freaky Monsters (book 5 - Coming Soon)

Sunset Strip: A Tale From The Tome Of Bill
The Tome of Bill Compendium (vol 1) - Books 1-4 of the series in one collection for those who wish to follow the adventure and save a few bucks in the process.

About the Author

Rick Gualtieri lives alone in central New Jersey with only his wife, 3 kids, and countless pets to both keep him company and constantly plot against him. When he's not busy monkey-clicking out words, he can typically be found jealously guarding his collection of vintage Transformers from all who would seek to defile them. 

Defilers beware!

Rick Gualtieri is the author of:

Bill the Vampire (The Tome of Bill, part 1)
Scary Dead Things (The Tome of Bill, part 2)
The Mourning Woods (The Tome of Bill, part 3)
Holier Than Thou (The Tome of Bill, part 4)
Sunset Strip: A Tale From The Tome Of Bill
Bigfoot Hunters
The Poptart Manifesto

The Tome of Bill Compendium (vol 1) - A box set of The Tome of Bill books 1-4

Product Details

  • File Size: 1260 KB
  • Print Length: 365 pages
  • Page Numbers Source ISBN: 1940415020
  • Publisher: Freewill Press (January 10, 2014)
  • Sold by: Amazon Digital Services, Inc.
  • Language: English
  • ASIN: B0058I8A6K
  • Text-to-Speech: Enabled
  • X-Ray:
  • Lending: Enabled
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #24,550 Paid in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Paid in Kindle Store)
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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews
24 of 25 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars A Tour de Farce! September 11, 2011
Format:Kindle Edition
What can I say about Bill the Vampire? ROTFLMAO! Imagine if you will, your local technically minded, slightly overweight individual (geek) gets turned into a vampire by a super hot chick (Bitch!) and then has to deal with a coven of vampires that looks like they just stepped out of a Tommy Hilfiger ad. The lead vampire hates his guts and wants him out of the picture as soon as possible and the gal who turned him has an agenda all her own and won't give him the basic skills to survive as a vampire. Add to that the companionship of two equally strange roommates that nothing can faze, vampire rules that are completely different than what's been passed around and a vampire singeing Transformer and you have the strange tale of how Bill the vampire became Dr. Death!

Liberally greased with modern nerd in-jokes and a severe disrespect for "glittery" vampires, this book is the perfect vampire tale for the 21st century adult that needs a good laugh. Not your average vampire, Bill will become your new vampire friend with something funny to say in the middle of the worst possible situations.

There are only a few typos and incorrectly phrased sentences (due to spellcheck), but none of them are distracting enough to slow down or disturb the pace of the book. The characters are all fleshed out to a tee, and Bill and his roomies are hilarious. I can't wait to see what kind of high jinx Bill and Sally get into in the next book.

I received a free copy for review.
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24 of 26 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Fun to read October 16, 2011
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
Bill is not exactly Indiana Jones but he does manage to stumble his way to success in a similar manner. Albeit with much more swearing than Indy. Still, despite a tough start the character does build as the plot progresses, and gets strong enough that you forget that he and his friends are blood-thirsty killers. Written in a "Howard Stern" kind of voice, Bill dialog from brain-to-mouth with no filters, but still manages to deliver some very funny lines and gets more introspective as the story evolves. In the end he became fleshed-out enough for me to want to read the next tome about Bill. Sally, Bill's "frenimey", is witty, snarky and adds a great deal to the story, and in many ways is a more interesting character than Bill himself. I'm hoping his character matures past his current mental age of 13 in future books. All in all a great read, even for someone who really does not like Vampire books.
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64 of 80 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Not good. Or funny. Or good. January 30, 2013
Format:Kindle Edition
This book was really bad. The concept was pretty good, but the execution was really weak. I really think that it started to go off the rails at the introduction. You can't write an introduction about how easy it is to write comedy, then follow it up with a book that isn't funny. (And that whole bit about "if one person laughs, it's comedy"? I encourage you to set the bar a little higher.)
If a "you sucked on a guy so you're totally GAY" joke is funny to you, then you should get this book. If you expect more from your "humor" than somebody calling a woman a bitch over and over (and over and over and over and over,) this is not the book for you.
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6 of 6 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars Entertaining dialogs, less than thrilling plot January 3, 2013
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
Highly entertaining dialog between the characters. The plot was underwhelming and very base. If you think of the book as a sitcom on television, you will likely enjoy the book. If you are looking for epic adventure, then this will not be your cup of tea. Overall, it was enjoyable.
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7 of 8 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Bill the Vampire September 20, 2011
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
I loved this book. As someone who is rapidly tiring of all the vampire books being churned out, this book is highly entertaining and I'm glad I made the purchase. There were many points where I literally found myself laughing out loud for an extended period of time because the wit of the characters stabbed my funny bone with a harpoon.

There were a few minor editing errors, but nothing major, and certainly nothing annoying enough or distracting enough to take away from the excellent story. I found this book hard to put down and was disappointed to reach the end. Looking forward to the continuing adventures of Bill!
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4 of 4 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars Not Your Mothers Vampire Story January 7, 2013
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
While the premise is unique and clever the author tries too hard to be funny and takes a hipster perspective to the circumstances Bill finds himself having to deal with. Having said that are some fairly funny scenes that appeal to my sometimes juvenile sense of humor.

Even though I only gave this book 3 stars I will definitely read the next installment as the premise is unique enough and the writing holds promise
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5 of 6 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars Revenge of the Nerds-Supernatural Version December 5, 2012
By McBeth
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
It took me a while to get into the writer's rhythm as he has, to my eyes, a somewhat halting way of expressing place and time. However once I got into it I was hooked; this is definitely a vampire for a comedy club with a nod to geekdom. Our "hero" Bill is a D&D, role playing, techno freak and uses those skills to dominate the new world into which he has been drawn against his will. Of course, to keep him a good vamp we have to accept that he does not kill and only drinks recycled blood which he convinces himself comes from four legged animals-at least he does not sparkle. Once the basic premise has been set up the pace picks up and we get to some of the funnier portions of the book which involve his human room mates and his exploration of what he can and cannot do in his new form. One of the funniest moments comes when one room mate brings home a new treasure which is an action figure of Opitmus Prime which through means I will not reveal, sets fire to vampires and plays a pivotal role in the story.
Overall I ended up having a good time with this book and would recommend it to anyone wanting a few chuckles and some imaginative situations. Will definitely read the next one in the series.
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
5.0 out of 5 stars Brilliantly Witty
A brilliantly witty take on vampires and what happens when a geeky guy becomes one of the undead. Loved the writing style, the sense of humour, and the characters – I’ll... Read more
Published 20 days ago by chettsgenie
5.0 out of 5 stars Funny book
I bought this book and actually laughed out loud several times while reading it. My wife was curious what I was laughing about so she got a copy for herself. Read more
Published 1 month ago by Kneale F.
3.0 out of 5 stars This first book is good...
The second book is interesting. But, the third, Mourning Wood, is pretty much on par with Scary Movie 3+. Read more
Published 1 month ago by Robert Brown
3.0 out of 5 stars Finished the book and then gave it away
A very different and humerous take on a new vampire who takes over the leadership of the local coven. I found my self laughing out loud in serveral sections. Read more
Published 2 months ago by Blue
5.0 out of 5 stars Terror the flaps in the night
Excellent vampire story, Nerd heaven, friends who have your back, Darkwing Duck quotes....this is the kind of story that proves that there is talent out there, am hooked for the... Read more
Published 2 months ago by Amazon Customer
5.0 out of 5 stars Amazing book. Not your standard vampire story at all (in a good way)
Well I saw this for .99 and decided to give it a shot. Man am I glad I did! This was an awesome book. Read more
Published 3 months ago by Amazon Customer
5.0 out of 5 stars Very Entertaining
Bill is probably the most irreverent Vampire ever conceived in a novel. I enjoyed the entire series (The Tome of Bill) and would recommend it to anyone looking for a humorous and... Read more
Published 3 months ago by Robert
2.0 out of 5 stars Maybe I read it wrong?
I don't know but to me Bill the Vampire seemed a bit "douchey" to me. I can understand the need for a "regular vampire" type but he is SO stereotypical male teen... Read more
Published 4 months ago by Paul L. Suomi
4.0 out of 5 stars Bill
Bill is an interesting character, he is more believable with his flaws than any of the current vampires in bold today.
Published 4 months ago by Maria
5.0 out of 5 stars Bill the Vampire
fun series- ready for more- great premise- likable characters- start here and enjoy the series- Bill is my new hero (and Sally isn't so bad either!
Published 4 months ago by Jeff Sanders
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More About the Author

Rick Gualtieri lives alone in a dark, evil place called New Jersey with only his wife, three kids, and countless pets to both keep him company and constantly plot against him. When he's not busy monkey-clicking out words, he can typically be found jealously guarding his collection of vintage Transformers from all who would seek to defile them - Defilers Beware!

His upcoming works include:
GODDAMNED FREAKY MONSTERS
DEVIL HUNTERS

Visit him at:
Blog - www.poptartmanifesto.com
Facebook - facebook.com/RickGualtieriAuthor
Twitter - twitter.com/RickGualtieri

Or just drop him a line at rickg.author@gmail.com.

Don't be shy. Unlike the creatures in his novels, he doesn't bite. :)

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