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on February 23, 2011
It is difficult if not impossible to rate a movie like this. On a pure movie-making standpoint this movie achieves negative stars, so many negative stars. It has to. Otherwise giving it even one star would create a wickedly skewed curve in all of movie-creation that makes the worst of the very worst movies you have ever seen Five-Star movies. Yes. This movie is so terrible that it makes EVERY MOVIE EVER MADE a five-star movie. The Room, through Plan Nine, up to Inception on through Citizen Cane and Casablanca. Every. One. Of them. Now five-star movies.
The plot? What plot? The text message you just got from your 12-year-old child composed in net-speak has more of a plot than this thing. Basically we have a hero, a heroine, some secondary characters and stuff happening and, oh yeah, some eagles have achieved single-positional, non propulsive, flight and are being generally annoying and sort-of lethal to the population of Somewhere, California. Our heroes are some lame ad-guy who is a millionaire but takes his love interests on dates in the locally-owned Mexican restaurants our heroine is a pretty young model talent who gets her pictures taken in the strip-mall photo shop and has, somehow, become the cover model for direct-mail catalogs for Victoria's Secret. The two meet completely by chance and creepy stalker-like behavior and are so turned-off by life they decide to go out on a couple of dates before rubbing uglies in an hourly-rate motel by the interstate. Remember, our lead male recently became a millionaire from business dealings and our lead female is a cover model for a major lingerie chain, it's at about this point the birds of the world turn into "CGI" sprites and begin "attacking" people at random. And by "attack" I mean they hover around them, squawk like seagulls and are capable of expelling an acidic venom although they do this only once. Random things happen, random vehicles pull in and out of parking places and then things just stop. It makes "The Happening" look well thought-out and executed.
The audio is very jumpy (movie's fault not the disc's) as in one shot the actor's voice is mostly audible and in the next shot the actor's voice is drowned out by background noise, the whole movie was also apparently shot on that VHS Camcorder that's been hiding in your parent's attic for the last 15 years, the "CGI" is done on the 400MHz computer sitting next to it and somehow looks less like a bird than the sprites in "Duck Hunt" did on the Nintendo, heck, the animals on your Farmville plot look more realistic. Dialogue is muddied by actors who weren't taught to annunciate and by a production so broke apparently no second takes occurred causing much of the dialogue to seem like the final take of a scene was also the dress rehearsal for the scene.
So, you may be wondering why I find it hard to rate this movie it's obviously terrible.
Well.... It's so terrible you simply have to see it. It'll shock and confuse you on how this production was financed, produced and distributed. Money has been invested in this thing. And it's absolutely terrible. You have to see it to believe it, do it with some friends, some drinks and some coat hangers (you'll find out). So on a movie level it's no-stars. On an entertainment value? Five stars. Seriously, you'll laugh at how bad this movie is and remember making a better movie for your 9th-Grade Mass Media class.