Customer Reviews

Black Men Not Looking for Sex : (Why They Commit Forever)

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This brother has an excellent understanding of the emotional and mental makeup of Black men. For all those sistahs that believe men only want them for one thing, Mr. Davis and the men interviewed for this book disagree. The Black man is looking for love, just like you are, but due to his male socialization, puts more emphasis on sexual prowess than his ability to be a good husband and stable family man. A Black man will test you with plays and maneuvers that would be the envy of Michael Jordan! And if you think that sex is the way to get commitment, or that you can get what you want from a man by playing games, then you have important things to learn. You can get a Black man's heart and lifelong commitment if you know what to do, and how to do it. This book, read with an open mind, will show you the way.

I read this book ten years ago when I was ignorant about the way men think. Having grown up as a black girl in a predominantly white neighborhood, I had low self-esteem particularly about my attractiveness to the opposite sex. I had few close male friends or even cousins. My father is and was always there for me, however he was a little 'old school' he tended to keep his emotions to himself. I thought men didn't have feelings. I thought the men only had sex on their mind when looking for women.

Boy was I wrong. By reading this book I learned how men think about women. What traits they really want in a woman. What makes them want to commit. What really attracts them to a woman. I began dating more wisely. Ten years later, I am five-years married to a wonderful man whose #1 priority is being a good husband and father. This is due in part to this book. It made me look at men as complex human beings instead of emotionless, one-track minded droids. Thank you Mr. Davis!

If one can read long enough to get beyond the ugly built-in hidden assumptions that work against the author's very well thought out schemata, then this author has a lot to say about relationships that is potentially useful, and at least in principle, could serve to improve black male on black female relationships. However the narrative is tainted by the very strong and wrong assumptions that there is an asymmetry between black male and female sexual desires; that men should "be controlled" while women should be the "controller," and thus allowed to roam; and by the general stereotyping of black men's sexual habits that oddly track eerily close to those attributable to them by racist whites.

The author's theory reduces to several scales (the Power scale, the Sexual attractiveness scale, the Bonding scale, and the Love scale) (all gradable from 1-10) which when viewed honestly, and applied without manipulation or hidden biases, and then balanced by mutual discussions by the parties, can serve as valid and useful indices to help improve the overall health of a relationship. Where we differ is on what scales are important (I believe the sexual attractiveness scale trumps the others, while the author seems to think they are all equal), what their priorities should be in the relationship, their meanings, how they should be used (like whether they should be used for general knowledge or unilaterally by one side only), and finally whether or not there are some circumstances where the differences on the scale pairings are simply too large to be overcome. For instance a 10 vs a 5 on sexual attractiveness is unlikely to go anywhere.

If we begin with the last idea, it is generally true that if the quantitative difference on the scales that matter most (like sexual attractiveness which curiously is missing from the author's list. I had to insert it?) is more than two points (as in say a male "9" versus a female "5"), what we have is an imbalanced and an unequal relationship on a key scale. In such situations the balance of power clearly lies in the hands of the "top dog." The "under dog" can remain in the relationship only at the pleasure (or mercy) of the "top dog," or more likely, will find the situation intolerable and move on. Trying to "fix" a large imbalance in a key scale is always an uphill struggle that usually ends badly for the "under dog." That is just one of the unfortunate laws of relationships.

These are among the many realities with which each side must contend "going in." What this suggests is that the best pure strategy for either side in the present enlarged interracial dating environment is to be aware enough to "know" ones own scale numbers" and then to seek out the corresponding number in a potential partner. Also trying to restrict the scales to ratings by blacks only (as is done in this book) no longer works in the much wider interracial dating environment. The scales must now be judged by global, not local standards.

Also regarding the larger interracial dating environment, it is clear that the biggest problem with black-on-black relationships today, seems to be due to the distortions introduced into the black dating community by having blacks fully accepted into the larger mainstream interracial dating context. Unfortunately that field has widened on some scales for one gender and shrunk for the other. For instance, on the "sexual attractiveness scale" judging by the recent Pew Study, black male scores have increased vis a vis the larger interracial community but have decreased for black females.

If one carefully reads the recent Pew Study on interracial marriages, this is due in part because of the many negative ways that black females are perceived by both black men and non-black men the world over. A large part of this misperception is because black females, when measured against the universal standard of white beauty and feminine attitudes are not perceived by other men of the world to measure up on them. Although the author did talked about the importance of black femininity, (she/he?) failed to address the global image of black females as being less feminine than other women, i.e., more bossy, less loyal, less trustworthy, more sexually promiscuous, more difficult, too religious, etc. Since the femininity and sexual attractiveness scale is one that arguably trumps all of the others, this distortion is not a small matter at all. It thus is not one that black women can ignore by continuing to blame black men for all of their relationship problems.

Likewise, the larger environment has introduced other asymmetries, one asymmetry occurs along the power grid that has had an equal negative effect but from the opposite direction on women generally, but on black women in particular. It has moved women, including black women, up the economic power scale (due to better education, jobs, less sexual discrimination, etc.) while moving black men downward on this same grid. However, this positive movement for black women (which under normal circumstances should be a cause to celebrate) has turned out to be a net negative for black relationships as a whole. The biggest problem of all that these distortions seem to introduce is the denial it instills in black women: while they are eager to acknowledge the gains they have made on the economic and power front, they at the same time deny the lost they are taking on the sexual attractiveness front; as well as the negative impact their economic improvement have had on relationships as a whole?

Black women cannot remain in denial about the fact that their dating environment has changed radically, and for them for the most part it has changed for the worse. Black men, which once was an exclusively roped-off (by racial segregation) and captive pool of men for them, has now been opened up to a much wider pool of women against whom black women must now compete. Within this larger pool of women, black women are seen to be bringing up the rear. And much to black women's dismay, even with all of their faults (that black women are constantly pointing out to others), other women of the world still find black men more sexually attractive than other men find black women sexually attractive.

Yet, on the other side of this equation, black women who are doing fabulously well in economic terms, are finding it much more difficult to gain any traction with men for purposes of dating and marriage - whether they be black or most especially non-black. Thus, they are roundly losing the sexual attractiveness race, and are doing so badly. It is a lost that cannot be sustained, made up, or offset with quick fixes such as this book, or by gains in other areas such as the stronger showing on economic power over black men. In fact, having greater economic power over black men seems to have worked against acquiring and maintaining a healthy relationship with men in general.

This author seems clear on the fact that the interests of black-on-black relationships would be better served if knowledge of her scales were put to one-sided use: That is to say, if black women instead of black men became aware of and became the manipulators of the scales. A much more sensible strategy would be to make them generally knowledgeable to all, to be used (and balanced) by both parties to a relationship. I believe keeping the scales as secret insider woman knowledge is a mistake that assumes that black men are somehow worse at playing the sex and dating games than are black women, and that manipulation is okay so long it is utilized only by the female side and not by the male side? For either side to use this analysis or any of the scales asymmetrically and clandestinely in the way proposed in this book, would be to betray trust and respect of a potential partner in my view, fatally compromising the integrity of the scales and the whole dating process; and thus reenforcing the idea that black women are sneaky and untrustworthy. Why not openly talk about the scales and what they mean?

For instance, if we take the Power scale, which has to do with how power is wielded within the relationship -- socially, economically and otherwise. To allow it to be manipulated because black women have an advantage on it is simply to introduce a new hidden variable called "manipulating the other partner economically." All evidence shows that this strategy usually backfires, because the "under dog" male can "game" the system at the expense of the "top dog." Arguably, a better way to deal with all asymmetries on the scales is to first discuss them openly with the partner and then jointly see if there is a path forward that is mutually agreeable. If not, at least in this case, there is no lost of trust and respect, and the door remains open to future possible relationships.

Finally, while it would be simplistic to assume that the scales are additive, I think there is great merit in carefully and openly identifying the scales, their meanings, their priorities, and how they are to be used within a given relational context, and then assessing each party's scores on each of them, and them jointly assessing their overall meaning to the relationship. At the very least, potentially troubling areas can be identified early and discussed. Altogether this is a very well-meaning and thought-provoking read that if properly deployed can be a very useful tool in helping to mend the deep chasm in black-on-black relationships. Five stars

This is a good and easy read. He did a good job with explaining that men are not necessarly looking for sex. They want to be loved as well.