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The Body Never Lies: The Lingering Effects of Cruel Parenting

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Alice Miller's "The Body Never Lies" is a provocation for those who are intent on denying that there is a relationship between how children are being treated and how they, later as adults, live their lives. They will fight against this book with those sad beliefs, which they learned in their childhoods and never questioned or left behind. But for those, for whom these connections are a fact and who are willing to explore their own past, their own lives and childhood suffering, this book provides great relief, even liberation.
On her life journey of research and writing, Alice Miller has gained great inner freedom and strength. In `The Body Never Lies', she courageously questions traditional morality and inspires us to face the often life long pain that children suffer through their parents. Her profound insights into this vital relationship create a truthful vision of man and his coercion to be destructive and self-destructive. Her visionary humanity leads the way into a new era, where the source of needless human suffering is movingly and powerfully recognized.
Like in an invisible jail, the fourth command confines many people into untruthful relationships with their parents, from which they often suffer. Abused and disrespected in childhood, they strive, still during their adult lives, to reach and even please cruel parents, who do not wish to understand and support them, who do not care about their well-being.
As long as they are under the spell of this command, they also often suffer in similar ways in other close relationships, denying their truth and reality like they had to as children with their parents. But there is a powerful witness to the suffering we endure through hypocritical, painful relationships--our body. Although we are trained to follow those moralistic expectations to honor our parents, no matter how they have treated us as children or treat us now as adults--the body refuses to do so. Again and again, it tries to communicate the tragic experiences that we carry hidden inside, in the unconscious. Alice Miller invites us to listen to and understand our bodies and ourselves with love by moving away from the destructive command that we must honor those who cause us harm and hurt us.

After coasting through the past ten years in a fog of depression and unfulfilling relationships, I started seeing a counselor who recommended this book to me. I'm not exaggerating when I say it changed my life. Alice Miller argues that as children, we are often instructed to "honor" our parents and win their love by suppressing our genuine feelings - especially the hurt and anger we naturally feel in response to abuse. Society reinforces this belief by idealizing parents and discouraging us from telling the truth about what we experienced as children. However, this suppression has a poisonous effect on the body and mind (and society as a whole). As much as we try to hide those feelings, they make themselves known through various kinds of suffering, both emotional and physical.

Miller argues that once we are allowed to give voice to our true feelings and offer some compassion to ourselves - rather than the facade we have created to please others, namely our parents - then that real self no longer has to cry for attention through the suffering of our bodies and minds. This turned out to be very true for me. I feel that I can now be honest with myself and others without fearing rejection and loss of love. I highly recommend this book and Miller's other offerings to anyone dealing with depression, childhood abuse, or feelings of general emptiness and dissatisfaction.

**After recently re-reading this book, I would probably remove one star from my rating due to Miller's pure speculation in Part I, in which she deconstructs the writings and life stories of famous authors and artists. This section can also be slow and might be difficult for some readers to get through.

I also wish that she (or the translator) had broadened her definition of abuse. She frequently uses the term "beatings" to summarize the harm children can suffer at the hands of their parents. But mental and emotional abuse can be just as detrimental to a child's development and self-image, and readers who experienced such should not discount the impact of their own experiences. However, Miller's overall argument is so powerful that I can't help but recommend the book despite its flaws.

Alice Miller's "The Body Never Lies" is a provocation for those who are intent on denying that there is a relationship between how children are being treated and how they, later as adults, live their lives. They will fight against this book with those sad beliefs, which they learned in their childhoods and never questioned or left behind. But for those, for whom these connections are a fact and who are willing to explore their own past, their own lives and childhood suffering, this book provides great relief, even liberation.
On her life journey of research and writing, Alice Miller has gained great inner freedom and strength. In `The Body Never Lies', she courageously questions traditional morality and inspires us to face the often life long pain that children suffer through their parents. Her profound insights into this vital relationship create a truthful vision of man and his coercion to be destructive and self-destructive. Her visionary humanity leads the way into a new era, where the source of needless human suffering is movingly and powerfully recognized.
Like in an invisible jail, the fourth command confines many people into untruthful relationships with their parents, from which they often suffer. Abused and disrespected in childhood, they strive, still during their adult lives, to reach and even please cruel parents, who do not wish to understand and support them, who do not care about their well-being.
As long as they are under the spell of this command, they also often suffer in similar ways in other close relationships, denying their truth and reality like they had to as children with their parents. But there is a powerful witness to the suffering we endure through hypocritical, painful relationships--our body. Although we are trained to follow those moralistic expectations to honor our parents, no matter how they have treated us as children or treat us now as adults--the body refuses to do so. Again and again, it tries to communicate the tragic experiences that we carry hidden inside, in the unconscious. Alice Miller invites us to listen to and understand our bodies and ourselves with love by moving away from the destructive command that we must honor those who cause us harm and hurt us.

I have been reading the author's books since the early 80's. Mrs Miller has some very important things to say about what most people consider to be a "normal" childhood experience. Being older I experienced much of the more extreme examples in her new book and I can attest to the debillitating affects she describes. She writes very well and the translators in all of her books are very good.
My only criticism is that she is still only writing about the problem and offers no solutions. I felt sad that she knows exactly what I went through but can not offer me any help beyond the knowing that I am not alone in my experience. But her purpose is sounding the alarm so I can not fault her for that.

I feel that this book is actually stronger than Alice Miller's last two efforts ("Breaking Down The Wall of Silence" and "The Truth Will Set you Free.") I have read all of her books thus far, and was very delighted to page through this new encounter. I have never seen the concept that our emotions, and the 'scars' left by abuse don't simply exist in a little part of our brains; but are found in all the cells of our body, and that in this inextricable link, illnesses can occur when things go wrong. I need only to look back to the way my own body has reacted to deception and cruelty to see how true this is.

In her chapter titled 'Carousel,' she revisits, in a way, the fascinating passage in 'Banished Knowledge' where she discussed coming across the poisonous story of little children and the accusative santa clause. This is, in my feeling, one of the best assets of her prose; the ability to make links based on a single experience. The case histories of authors she provides are not the in-depth ones of her earlier books; and indeed, that is exactly what she intended; to spark the readers interest in these biographies and how the writers experienced their abuse which led to the destruction of their bodies.

The chapter she wrote on anorexia was actually very enlightening; she really said something important in those pages, and I think her 'fictional diary' was really effective. The relationship to food and emotional nourishment seems quite valid. After reading her book, I really do agree with the premises that "the body never lies," and "deception kills love." I can see more clearly that sacrificing oneself towards the 'benefit' of one's parents is really a destructive, black hole that people who fall in can never truly meet with any form of life or vitality unless they escape it.

I believe in this work.
I look forward to a world of people who have healed from childhood abuse.
Can you imagine an adult praising and honoring a stranger who attacked them? Shaming quiet victims is a mistake.
It is time for us to stop honoring abusers which Miller says is unnatural and destructive.
I really respect her consistent willingness to discuss her own misconceptions on things. She is insightful, well experienced and well educated on the subject. Angela Brinskele, Director of Communications, The June L. Mazer Lesbian Archives

"The Body Never Lies" is the most recent volume in one of psychology's most important collections. Dr. Alice Miller has always been interested in childhood suffering, its denial, and the effects on individuals and on societies. The focus of her current work is the terrible tension between what we really feel, in our bodies, and what we "should" feel. She describes the unwritten law that adults may exploit children in extreme ways. There is, moreover, a social taboo against recognizing any of this. Parents are protected while children are sacrificed.

Miller argues that our bodies keep an exact record of everything we experience, and that moral laws lead to repression and to emotional detachment. But emotions have a basis in reality, and "negative emotions" sometimes reflect prior neglect or abuse. If we ignore them, these banished emotions will eventually reassert themselves and the body will rebel.

We know that child abuse and child neglect are pervasive and destructive, and that violence toward children is stored within. Later in life, they turn the violence on themselves--often in illness, depression, drug addiction, or suicide. Sometimes this darkness is also aimed at others, or even at whole nations.

Sadly, many of us were unloved, neglected or abused. Still, Miller retains a hopeful view of the future. Why? Because there's a solution. We need to locate an enlightened witness, one who can witness our descent into personal pain and powerlessness. In the process of personal liberation, one paradoxically becomes less pained and more powerful. And while societies always side with parents and with pedagogy, individual bodies fight against the lies.

I first read Alice Miller's book explaining Hilter's brutality and murderous behavior a number of years ago. At the time, it seemed unbelievable that something as vast as the Holocaust could be caused by terrible childhood abuse. Then, since I practiced psychotherapy as a clinical psychologist and worked with many clients who had terrible abuse in childhood, the realness of Miller's analysis sunk in. These violent tendencies are stored in the body which to most IS largely unconscious and vague. When situatiions arise that duplicate emotionally what was experienced in childhood, rage can take over and overwhelm. It is a profound joke to think that the rational, everyday mind controls human behavior, and that myth must be dislodged before any real progress in eliminating war and other atrocities can occur. The first step is to believe what your body is telling you and learning its data languuage. No easy task, but possible if one wants to know oneself. Drawing with the non-dominant hand in a fee flow way is quite helpful, as Alice Miller illustrates in another of her books. I highly recommend this book for everyone who wants to really understand oneself, and the first step is learning what your body reveals.

Anyone who believes that they have suffered at the mercy of parents who were less than nurturing ought to read this book, especially if they think and/or feel that they have challenges "moving on." Be prepared to think for yourself.

Alice did a wonderful job with this book and she continues to inspire. Is there anything more difficult than growing up and being mothered by a woman who has both Narcissistic Personality Disorder along with Histrionic Personality Disorder? You'll find my mother in this book, lurking between the stories and the truth. I think many people will come away feeling a bit relieved knowing that it's not all in their head; parents can be extraordinarily mean and abusive. The wrath of mean spirited parents hits hard, it isn't forgotten nor is it imagined.

Children inherently need to be loved, need to be listened to and need to be protected. When you do not grow up with this, it puts a big dent on the soul. I found it interesting that in her books Alice uses terms I've used all my life, from a very early age. When I was about 10 years old, I secretly named my mother, *Poison Mouth.* I was not abused physically, but I was abused emotionally, spiritually and mentally. I moved away as soon as I could and began the healing process. My sister stuck around only to become physically sick with both mental and bodily illnesses. Hopefully you found an *Enlightened Witness* who helped you and stood beside you as you grew. These are the angels we all need.