Customer Reviews

From Bondage to Bonding: A Working Guide to Recovery from Codependency and Other Injuries of the Heart

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At first, I had been a bit skeptical about "From Bondage To Bonding." A cursory glance through it revealed what I thought to be too much psychobabble and not enough Scriptural foundation, so I set it aside and forgot about it. Recently, however, I had to read it for a seminary counseling class. After completing the book, I realized that even though I had some issues with it, I was somewhat harsh in my initial judgment. Although I found it to be a bit denser and more "psychiatric" than other Christian books in the genre, "Bondage to Bonding" contained a necessary message. The main theme was relational transformation based on recovery from codependency. The author defines codependency as "a self-focused way of life in which a person, blind to his or her true self, continually reacts to others, being controlled by and seeking to control their behavior, attitudes, and/or opinions, resulting in spiritual sterility, loss of authenticity, and absence of intimacy (pg. 162)." Codependency is the bondage that holds us back from genuine, loving relationship with God and others. One of the book's major benefits is it's identification of numerous codependent behaviors, such as denial, controlling others, and self-sufficiency. The author provides a number of examples of codependent behavior from her own life and the lives of others she has counseled. I found the author's honesty about her own issues to be refreshing, and her victories to be encouraging. The study questions at the end of each chapter were especially helpful in determining my own codependent issues and how they originated.

An interesting facet of "Bondage to Bonding" was its incorporation of the Twelve-Step methodology for dealing with addiction. The author left it in its basic form, but modified it somewhat by adding specifically Christian references. She also created a relational framework that sums up the journey into codependence, and from there to healthy relationships. The negative side of the framework illustrates the downward path one takes toward bondage, or autonomy. Autonomy is the low point - one is living a self-sufficient life where an attempt is made to generate self-acceptance, forgiveness, and empowerment apart from God, resulting in spiritual rebellion, a distorted view of self, and problems with intimacy. The positive side of the framework demonstrates the upward path of recovery toward a state of bonding, or mutual interdependence. This ideal stage is where one can give and receive love and forgiveness without demanding approval or conformity to expectations in return, resulting in spiritual vitality, a balanced view of self, and genuine intimacy. The entire framework represents the stages that are traveled in order to reach either bondage or bonding (hence the book's title). The author is careful to note that the positive path is not a "once-for-all" journey but actually a "repetitive and cyclical" pattern that must be traveled constantly. This is an important point that cannot be stressed enough in our immediate-gratification based society.

"From Bondage to Bonding" has some parallels with the book "Inside Out" by Larry Crabb, most notably when "Bondage to Bonding" identifies the sin of self-protection and the need to love God, self, and others more. The relational framework in "Bondage to Bonding" also bears some resemblance to Crabb's ideas that pain and deep emotions must be allowed to surface and be experienced, and that one must genuinely repent and turn from relational sins. In addition, the aspect of seeking and giving forgiveness when appropriate is also stressed in order to right relational wrongs and find freedom from bitterness. These are the points that I found to be the most beneficial. However, "Bondage to Bonding" tends to focus more on behavioral change that is generated by the individual and less on spiritual change wrought by God. The author does include a relationship with God as an important necessity, but I would have liked more of a focus on the power of God to work foundational changes in one's life.

The main issue I had with "Bondage to Bonding" is its focus on the "victim" mentality, undoubtedly influenced by the incorporation of the Twelve-Step program. I believe that this perspective can be a double-edged sword. Yes, we are a hurting race, and I can say from my own life that there is much pain to deal with and changes to be made. Also, the demonstrated results of Twelve-Step programs cannot be denied, especially in the lives of people devastated by addiction and victimization. But I believe that as a Christian, I am a new creation in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17), and therefore I am no longer identified as a victim regardless of what has been done to me. My ultimate hope is in Christ and His promises as revealed in Scripture. Therefore, I am not dealing from a position of my own weakness, but instead I can rely on God's strength. It is He who ultimately changes hearts, and I am glad that "Bondage to Bonding" includes a love relationship with God as a necessity. If this is kept in mind, then I can recommend "From Bondage to Bonding" as an aid to dealing with codependency.

Nancy Groom takes the subject of addressing difficult relationships and how the co-dependent fits into the pattern then goes beyond the average self-help book. She actually describes and then gives effective approaches. She stays with the subject of how to relate to your own false relational styles and not the direction of just finding a different way to be dependent. It is positive. It is very hopeful. It is a pleasure to read and easy to understand.

I have struggled with codependency for many years and am currently recovering from a broken marriage that was destroyed by mutual codependency. This is the book that taught me the most and helped me the most, without question! I have read Melody Beattie's work, and some of Pia Mellody's; they are both great as well. But Nancy Groom herself has walked down the terribly painful path of codepency and recovery; she did it by abiding in Christ and depending on His grace. The good thing about this book is that she explains clearly exactly what it means to cling to God in difficult times, and how this applies to codepency, in real-life, practical terms. I have never liked nor had any patience with books that give the pat answer, "Trust in the Lord; He'll see you through the storm." Yes, He will, but when you are in the midst of a codepency nightmare, the only way of life you've ever known, you need REAL, practical examples of how to stop and how to move forward. Nancy Groom has obviously read about and studied the subject of codepency extensively; she shares many wonderful quotes in the book. She also incorporates the Twelve Steps, which are also crucial to codependency recovery. Please get this book if you or someone you love has addiction and/or codepency and control issues. It will revolutionize your thinking and help you implement real change. It will also help you move toward a much deeper relationship with God, without which you truly will never get better. I know; until I reached that point, I never really was able to break the chokehold codepency had on my life. Don't lose hope; it CAN be done. I am living proof.

If you have ever read a cheesy book on codependency and aren't looking forward to another--you've got the right book! Nancy Groom has written the BEST book ever on codependency. She combines scholars, examples, personal experience and a Biblical base to make this a readable book that is easy to understand. Don't pass up the opportunity to read it!

In her four-part book, FROM BONDAGE TO BONDING: ESCAPING CO-DEPENDENCY; EMBRACING BIBLICAL LOVE (Colorado Springs: Nav Press, 1991), Nancy Groom reveals to us the many self-destructive machinations that stir in the souls of human beings who have been inordinately deprived of love in their early years receiving instead emotional, physical, or sexual abuse and, like Virgil guiding Dante through the inferno, leads us from our "bondage" to a new life of "bonding love."

The first two parts unmask our secret, unconscious "strategies" (sin) to blindly "save our lives" from further harm. With keen insight, born of personal experience and true self-understanding, Groom sketches the picture of our self-centered internal condition in part one. She describes the origin of the problem in part two. While parts three and four walk us in the direction of recovery from our self-obsessed styles of relating. Maturity and freedom lie ahead as we begin to lovingly confront ourselves and others with honesty and authenticity.

If you are imagining that the subject of codependency does not apply to you, perhaps, you should consider Groom's working definition: "Codependency is a self-focused way of life in which a person blind to his or her true self continually reacts to others being controlled by and seeking to control their behavior, attituudes, and/or opinions, resulting in spiritual sterility, loss of authenticity, and absence of intimacy" (p. 21).

Some have called this book the 'best of the best' on the subject of codependency, and although I have only read a few on the subject, this is one of two books that God used to perform his surgery within my sick soul (the other instrument was INTRODUCTION TO THE DEVOUT LIFE by St. Francis de Sales). I doubt that I would have received heaven's sanction to write my book had I not gone under Nancy's knife several years earlier. You want sufficiently sharp tools during surgery--laser is better still--and although no surgical tool can guarantee a quick recovery, at least you know they have a good chance to get 'all the cancer.'

FROM BONDAGE TO BONDING is a laser. And, how does one adequately rate a book that gives us sight for our blindness, and assists us in "removing the log from our own eye?" Five stars? Maybe five stars, times five stars! Yes, at least that many.

Nancy, thank you for your courage in telling your story, and for providing the Lord a laser with which to work on the rest of us.

My life has changed dramatically since I read and started applying the biblical principals outlined in Nancy's book. I'm participating in a group at my local church that is reading this book together. When I got to the group 8 months ago, I was a train wreck, I was in the pit of despair and felt as if I was going to die. I wasn't focused on self, but blaming others for my life being such a mess. The margins look like my personal journal as God has continuously used Nancy to reveal me to self. She walks you through facing your own personal issues, even those which we tend to run from (like past abuse) and guides you to taking those things before God in repentance or just simply grieving over losses and hurts that you have experienced. She was the first to tell me it's okay to grieve over being abused before God. She also taught me how to allow God to heal those wombs and not to continue to allow myself to remain a victim and a prisoner of my past. She has taught me how to examine myself and I learned that although I have abuse in my past, I'm the reason for my life being so messed up and my own unhappiness. I needed to deal with my own sin issues. Today I'm learning how to enjoy my liberty in Christ. I'm learning to live and walk in grace and not to try and be perfect anymore. I'm learning it's okay to make mistakes, that God still loves me, even when I fail. I'm learning to allow others to be themselves, no matter what stage they are in their lives. I'm learning to trust God and live one day at a time. I feel a freedom that I have never known, and although I still have people in my life that are self destructing, their behavior no longer has an emotional stronghold on me. The best thing is, it's still okay for me to love them while allowing them to learn their own lessons. My relationships have changed. My life has changed. Thanks Nancy. Thanks for letting God use you.

This is an excellence book! Worth getting for yourself and worth sharing. I'm only about halfway thru it but it's definetly freeing. My church has started a support group and we are reading this together now. One lady in the group sliced thru it like a hot knife thru butter! She finished in about a month. Now she heads up our support group. I highly recommend it to all, not just to those who are codependent or think they are codependent. Let's face it, we are all codependent at some level. Set yourself free!

This is my favorite book on codependency. Nancy Groom clearly develops the paths that many travel in developing unhealthy codependent ways of relating to others and then directs her readers to replacing unhealthy patterns with new healthy behavior. One of the concluding statements ending many of her chapters is our need to have safe people to begin our new interdependent, grace-filled, and trusting relationships. This book makes a wonderful book to study as a support group. She introduces her topics with real life scenarios but does not stay stuck there. Nancy Groom brings a very biblical based view of codependency but balances that with warnings of how scripture can cause confusion, isolation, and wishful denial in codependents. I wish more people who have not taken on the challenge of breaking out of a codependent relational pattern would pick up this book as I am sure it would challenge them to look at their relationships and love better. This book could help anyone desiring to grow closer relationally to others and God. Nancy aslo incorporates the traditional twelve steps of recovery in a very enlightening way.

The book came very fast and in great condition. The seller even included a thank you note!

This book works very well with the Christian-based 12 Step Program as a companion resource. I coordinate a women's 12 step program and we stopped at the end of step 4 to go deeper into the problem of codependency which most people working toward recovery must deal with. The group has found it to be very helpful and they believe it will help them to be more thorough as they proceed through the rest of the steps. It is well-written and directly applies to the work they are doing in the 12 step program.