Bonds That Make Us Free: Healing Our Relationships, Coming to Ourselves [Hardcover]

C. Terry Warner (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: September 2001

Life can be sweet. Our relationships with friends, spouses, colleagues, and family members can be wonderfully rewarding. They can also bring heartache, frustration, anxiety, and anger. We all know the difference between times when we feel open, generous, and at ease with people versus times when we are guarded, defensive, and on edge.

Why do we get trapped in negative emotions when it's clear that life is so much fuller and richer when we are free of them?

Bonds That Make Us Free is a ground-breaking book that suggests the remedy for our troubling emotions by addressing their root causes. You'll learn how, in ways we scarcely suspect, we are responsible for feelings like anger, envy, and insecurity that we have blamed on others. (How many times have you said, "You're making me mad!")

Even though we fear to admit this, it is good news. If we produce these emotions, it falls within our power to stop them. But we have to understand our part in them far better than we do, and that is what this remarkable book teaches.

Because the key is seeing truthfully, the book itself is therapeutic. As you read and identify with the many true stories of people who have seen a transformation in their lives, you will find yourself reflecting with fresh honesty upon your relationships. This will bond you to others in love and respect and lift you out of the negative thoughts and feelings that have held you captive. You will feel your heart changing even as you read.

"It would not be accurate to describe this book as supplying the truths upon which we must build our lives," writes author C. Terry Warner. "Instead it shows how we can put ourselves in that receptive, honest, and discerning condition that will enable us, any of us, to find these truths on our own."

Finding these truths is the key to healing our relationships and coming to ourselves, and Bonds That Make Us Free starts us on that great journey.

--This text refers to the Kindle Edition edition.

Editorial Reviews

Review

Opens up your personal psychology to a new understanding, August 01, 2004
By Harry

I read this book around October 2002 when it first came out just having read a reivew of it in BYU Today. I cannot tell you how many issues became less obscure to me as it clearly explained, usually using cases, ways I could think differenly almost in the wink of an eye (a blink is too fast!). I was at a very difficult time in my life where I was being manipulated my situations that I simply fell into from no real fault of my own, except maybe fear and ignorance. Dr. Warner's book opened up the realities and paths--meaning there was a solution at every turn. I used this book literally as my guidebook and it worked! I cannot imagine getting the understanding I needed without it, as it attacks issues of personal deception so elegantly. I got quickly to where I needed to be. Simply amazing--like a bridge spanning a formidable ravine that would otherwise have been impossible to cross, or a hammer where there had only been nails...something like that.

Humbling, April 12, 2005
By julie

I read this book because other members of my family had and I wanted to see why. The first time I read it, I did not see what was so great about it. While going through a very rough time in my life I picked it up and started reading again. This time I could not put it down. The timing was perfect and helped me recognize things in myself that I was only seeing in other people. Now I can stop my self-betrayal. --This text refers to the Kindle Edition edition.

Product Details

• Hardcover: 336 pages
• Publisher: Shadow Mountain (September 2001)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1573459194
• ISBN-13: 978-1573459198
• Product Dimensions: 9.1 x 6.2 x 1.3 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.4 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.6 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (67 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #28,249 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

94 of 94 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Surprise Recommendations, April 3, 2005

By 

Businessman, hubby and father (Pleasanton, CA USA) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Bonds That Make Us Free: Healing Our Relationships, Coming to Ourselves (Hardcover)

I walked into a bookstore with a collegue looking for a book on parenting. Being the parent of two current teens and two eventual teens, I am always seeking to understand them and finding ways to be a better parent. However when I told my collegue what I was looking for he recommended "Bonds That Make Us Free" and when I asked the young clerk if they carried the book, she said she read it herself and that it helped her strengthen her friendships.

I was thoroughly pleased with the book. The most powerful concept I learned was about self-deception, and how it can define who we are and the decisions we make. The book is filled with many, many short examples to help understand the principles being taught which I found extremely helpful.

This is not a simple feel-good book. I loaned the book to an older friend of mine and she had a hard time understanding it all. I read a few of the stories to my wife and she had a hard time appreciating the significance of the principles through my explanations. You have to be committed to reading and understanding the book to get everything out of it. Mind you, these are not faults with the book -- like any significant breakthrough in understanding it requires work on the reader's part to think about the principles being taught and honestly assessing your own behavior, and then applying the principles to your life.

For anyone seriously interested in improving their own personal happiness I highly recommend this book. It's one of the bst self-help books I've ever read.

37 of 37 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars Intriguing, and at times radical, approach to life, August 9, 2002

By 

"lector_voraz" - See all my reviews

This review is from: Bonds That Make Us Free: Healing Our Relationships, Coming to Ourselves (Hardcover)

This is truly a self-help book unlike any other. Its basic premise is that the root of many of our problems is a type of self-deception. Because of dishonesty toward ourselves, we are dishonest toward others (often without realizing it) and are unable to change in a positive way.

Celebrity psychologist Phil McGraw often points out that when two people are in a relationship, they tend to reinforce the other's negative habits, and that people often receive a payback (often unconsciously) from both their negative behavior and the negative behavior of the person. Warner explains such a process in detail in what is an especially fascinating part of the book.

In many ways, this book is quite radical. It suggests that the way to find oneself is to connect with other people in an honest way. It also says that when there is a dysfunctional relationship, to find healing we need to admit where we were wrong -- no matter how wrong the other person was! Warner provides some case studies that at first glance seem shocking -- why should the abuse VICTIM be the one to apologize? Yet on further reflection, the anecdotes he gave made sense. Some of the steps that seemed to radical and/or counterintuitive worked only because the person took the action with the right attitude; Warner goes to great pains to point out that the same action might not be appropriate for someone else to take for different reasons.

I have two major (and related) criticisms to this book:

-- Warner does not adequately explain when (or if) it is appropriate for a person to act in his or her own interests when such an action might be detrimental (or seem that way) to another person. At one point Warner even criticizes self-assertion, although it's not clear exactly what type of self-assertion he is critical of. Surely Warner would agree that we need to set boundaries for ourselves, although he would probably agree that many people set boundaries for the wrong reasons (it's that self-deception thing again). This is an area that needs more explanation in Warner's paradigm.

-- I think it might be easy for some especially vulnerable people to misread this book. Although this isn't Warner's intent, a person who is a doormat might understand this book as saying that it's OK to let another person step all over you. While certainly we should be forgiving of other people, it is also possible (and I don't think Warner would disagree) to extend "cheap grace" to other people, but I'm not sure Warner does a good job of explaining the difference.

Despite these criticisms, I found Warner's book to be one of the most thought-provoking ones I have read in a long time. I'd highly recommend it for anyone who wants an intriguing and meaningful perspective on the human condition.

51 of 55 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Am I in the wrong?, October 7, 2003

By 

S. Swallow - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: Bonds That Make Us Free: Healing Our Relationships, Coming to Ourselves (Hardcover)

Perhaps the most compelling question Warner asks us to take up in this book is: Am I in the wrong? In a world where war comes before political leaders admit their own faults and where 50% of marriages end in divorce, often because partners can only see the problems with their spouse this question could have powerful effects.

I believe Warner has chosen his title carefully using the word "free," which is so loaded today. Being "free" today has been confused with being able to choose between 10 brands of VCR or do whatever you want with no thought of the consequences. What Warner advocates is a real freedom, freedom from your human self and its weaknesses. Warner's book will not ensure you won't make bad decisions but it will teach you about the courage to admit when you are in wrong and how to change for the better. That is real freedom.