Customer Reviews

Bonds That Make Us Free: Healing Our Relationships, Coming to Ourselves

5 star:		(57)
4 star:		(4)
3 star:		(0)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(5)

 

 

I walked into a bookstore with a collegue looking for a book on parenting. Being the parent of two current teens and two eventual teens, I am always seeking to understand them and finding ways to be a better parent. However when I told my collegue what I was looking for he recommended "Bonds That Make Us Free" and when I asked the young clerk if they carried the book, she said she read it herself and that it helped her strengthen her friendships.

I was thoroughly pleased with the book. The most powerful concept I learned was about self-deception, and how it can define who we are and the decisions we make. The book is filled with many, many short examples to help understand the principles being taught which I found extremely helpful.

This is not a simple feel-good book. I loaned the book to an older friend of mine and she had a hard time understanding it all. I read a few of the stories to my wife and she had a hard time appreciating the significance of the principles through my explanations. You have to be committed to reading and understanding the book to get everything out of it. Mind you, these are not faults with the book -- like any significant breakthrough in understanding it requires work on the reader's part to think about the principles being taught and honestly assessing your own behavior, and then applying the principles to your life.

For anyone seriously interested in improving their own personal happiness I highly recommend this book. It's one of the bst self-help books I've ever read.

This is truly a self-help book unlike any other. Its basic premise is that the root of many of our problems is a type of self-deception. Because of dishonesty toward ourselves, we are dishonest toward others (often without realizing it) and are unable to change in a positive way.

Celebrity psychologist Phil McGraw often points out that when two people are in a relationship, they tend to reinforce the other's negative habits, and that people often receive a payback (often unconsciously) from both their negative behavior and the negative behavior of the person. Warner explains such a process in detail in what is an especially fascinating part of the book.

In many ways, this book is quite radical. It suggests that the way to find oneself is to connect with other people in an honest way. It also says that when there is a dysfunctional relationship, to find healing we need to admit where we were wrong -- no matter how wrong the other person was! Warner provides some case studies that at first glance seem shocking -- why should the abuse VICTIM be the one to apologize? Yet on further reflection, the anecdotes he gave made sense. Some of the steps that seemed to radical and/or counterintuitive worked only because the person took the action with the right attitude; Warner goes to great pains to point out that the same action might not be appropriate for someone else to take for different reasons.

I have two major (and related) criticisms to this book:

-- Warner does not adequately explain when (or if) it is appropriate for a person to act in his or her own interests when such an action might be detrimental (or seem that way) to another person. At one point Warner even criticizes self-assertion, although it's not clear exactly what type of self-assertion he is critical of. Surely Warner would agree that we need to set boundaries for ourselves, although he would probably agree that many people set boundaries for the wrong reasons (it's that self-deception thing again). This is an area that needs more explanation in Warner's paradigm.

-- I think it might be easy for some especially vulnerable people to misread this book. Although this isn't Warner's intent, a person who is a doormat might understand this book as saying that it's OK to let another person step all over you. While certainly we should be forgiving of other people, it is also possible (and I don't think Warner would disagree) to extend "cheap grace" to other people, but I'm not sure Warner does a good job of explaining the difference.

Despite these criticisms, I found Warner's book to be one of the most thought-provoking ones I have read in a long time. I'd highly recommend it for anyone who wants an intriguing and meaningful perspective on the human condition.

Perhaps the most compelling question Warner asks us to take up in this book is: Am I in the wrong? In a world where war comes before political leaders admit their own faults and where 50% of marriages end in divorce, often because partners can only see the problems with their spouse this question could have powerful effects.

I believe Warner has chosen his title carefully using the word "free," which is so loaded today. Being "free" today has been confused with being able to choose between 10 brands of VCR or do whatever you want with no thought of the consequences. What Warner advocates is a real freedom, freedom from your human self and its weaknesses. Warner's book will not ensure you won't make bad decisions but it will teach you about the courage to admit when you are in wrong and how to change for the better. That is real freedom.

This book can change your outlook on life if you will let it. It is a wonderful book full of stories and examples that will help you understand how you can be a better person. Some related books that are produced by people or companies associated with Terry Warner:

1. The Peacemaker: this book preaches the same philosophy but bases the learning on scriptures and the atonement of Christ - excellent read, highly recommended.

2. Leadership and Self-Deception by the Arbinger Institute: Same story format as the Peacemaker but from a business perspective.

All are great reads, but Bonds That Make Us Free is the masterpiece.

Other books that have changed my life:

The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck - great insights on how to improve yourself

Approaching Zion by Hugh Nibley - a classic that will have you questioning modern society's basic premises.

This book is, with out a doubt, the singular most important book to be read, studied and applied to one's life there is available in the wide market of "self-help" books. I have a very much used and cherished copy of his manuscript that this book was based on and Terry has delivered so much more with this book than was even promised in "Bonds of Anguish, Bonds of Love". Buy it, read it and share it. There are but a few moments in life as precious and sacred as those where what we read moves us to the next level of understanding, wholeness, connectedness and love. This book has brought several of these moments to me.

I struggled through the first 100 pages of this book. Not because it was difficult to read or understand, but it was difficult to look at myself the way the author suggests. Like struggling through a narrow entrance to an underground grotto, the struggle was worth it. Warner's book presents a tough pill to swallow: Most of our problems with relationships can be improved if we will only look to see how we are poisoning the relationship. The major premise is that when we are disappointed in our actions, we often will then modify our perceptions in order to make us feel better.

Get through those first 100 pages with a lot of self-reflection and you will then find tools to improve your relationships. These are not things that you must convince OTHERS to do. These are tools to help you poison less and heal more.

This book is a detailed analysis of how effective change in society can really be implemented. How? By changing the only thing we have the most control over - ourselves. Author Terry Warner exposes the deceptions that we, ourselves, create to keep us from the truth. The book reveals our true nature and offers a way to fill our lives to the abundundant light and truth that permeates the universe.

I cannot recommend this book highly enough. I have read this book and applied the principles in my own life. The small amount of courage that it took to face the truth about myself was rewarded ten times over by the happiness and love that filled my soul. It is on my "top ten" list of best books ever read.

If you have any emotional pain in your life because of poisonous relationships, you need this book to heal. It is not just a covering up of the sympoms, but a complete eradication of the source of the pain.

Outside of scripture this is the most important and profound book I've read. Nearly every page adds insight to relationships and self.
I was shocked when I got to the chapter dealing with self-victimization and saw myself described in the pages of the book! I have changed how I relate to my spouse, my feelings towards her and my communication with her.
The chapter on collusion has me thinking and trying more to improve relations and feelings with my son. My point of view has changed with regards to all my children. I have never felt more motivation to improve relationships with all my family as well as others.
After one read, there is much I don't understand intrinsically about all the concepts taught, but my intent is to read, think and act until I do understand. My life has changed direction, I will continue on the path to emotional freedom as described by the author.
I intend to gift a copy of this book to everyone near and dear to me in hopes they will read and have an epiphany of their own.
If you are wondering if you should read this book, stop. Order it, read and prepare for a fundamental change in your outlook on relationships and self.

I actually did encounter this stuff years ago, as a troubled undergraduate student of Terry's in the late 80's. It changed my life in a profound and far-reaching way back then, and it still does now.

Get this book - I can't recommend it highly enough. The change of heart it has brought forth in my life is worth more to me than words can express.

I would like to give this book to everyone I care about. All the books I've read throughout my life have changed me in some way or another. A helpful bit of information, a new perspective, maybe even changed a paradigm. None even remotely come close to the power that a fundamental change of heart can produce. If you're serious about improving your relationships and you're open to the idea that you might be the problem then you will not be the same person after reading this book. I also recomend " Leadership and Self Deception" by the Arbinger Institute. Both books deal with the common condition we all suffer from. Self deception.