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Boundaries in Dating: Making Dating Work
 
 
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Boundaries in Dating: Making Dating Work [Paperback]

Henry Cloud (Author), John Townsend (Author)
4.6 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (69 customer reviews)

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Book Description

March 1, 2000
Rules for Romance That Can Help You Find the Love of Your Life Between singleness and marriage lies the journey of dating. Want to make your road as smooth as possible? Set and maintain healthy boundaries--boundaries that will help you grow in freedom, honesty, and self-control. If many of your dating experiences have been difficult, Boundaries in Dating could revolutionize the way you handle relationships. Even if you're doing well, the insights you'll gain from this much-needed book can help you fine-tune or even completely readjust important areas of your dating life. Written by the authors of the bestselling book Boundaries, Boundaries in Dating is your road map to the kind of enjoyable, rewarding dating that can take you from weekends alone to a lifetime with the soul mate you've longed for.

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Boundaries in Dating: Making Dating Work + Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't + Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life
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Editorial Reviews

From the Publisher

Dating can be fun, but it's not easy. Meeting people is just one concern. Once you've met someone, then what? What do you build? Nothing, a simple friendship, or more? How do you set smart limits on physical involvement? Financial involvement? Individual responsibilities? Respected counselors, popular radio hosts, and best-selling authors Henry Cloud and John Townsend apply the principles described in their Gold Medallion Award-winning Boundaries to matters of love and romance. Helping readers bridge the pitfalls of dating, Boundaries in Dating unfolds a wise, biblical path to developing self-control, freedom, and intimacy in the dating process. Boundaries in Dating helps singles to think, solve problems, and enjoy the benefits of dating to the hilt, increasing their abilities to find and commit to a marriage partner. Liberally illustrated with insightful, true-life examples, this much-needed book includes such topics as: Sins You Can Live With--Recognizing and choosing quality over perfection in a dating partner - Don't Fall in Love with Someone You Wouldn't Be Friends With--How to ensure that honest friendship is one vital component in a relationship - Don't Screw Up a Friendship Out of Loneliness--Preserving friendships by separating between platonic relationships and romantic interest - Kiss False Hope Good-Bye--Moving past denial to deal with real relational problems in a realistic and hopeful way . . . and much more.

From the Author

Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend are popular speakers, licensed psychologists, co-hosts of the nationally broadcast New Life Live! radio program, and co-founders of Cloud/Townsend, Inc. Both graduated with doctorates in clinical psychology from Rosemead Graduate School of Psychology, and both maintain private practices in Newport Beach, CA. They are best-selling coauthors of several books, including Boundaries with Kids, The Mom Factor, Safe People, Twelve “Christian” Beliefs that Can Drive You Crazy, and the Gold Medallion Award-winning Boundaries. Dr. Cloud is the author of Changes that Heal and Dr. Townsend is the author of Hiding from Love. CloudTownsend.co

Product Details

  • Reading level: Ages 18 and up
  • Paperback: 280 pages
  • Publisher: Zondervan; 1 edition (March 1, 2000)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0310200342
  • ISBN-13: 978-0310200345
  • Product Dimensions: 7.9 x 5.2 x 0.8 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 8.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.6 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (69 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #3,742 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Dr. Cloud is a leadership consultant, best-selling author, and speaker whose books have sold well over 5 million copies. He consults and speaks for companies and organizations in the area of leadership and performance, and is highly regarded for his ability to connect personal and interpersonal development with the needs of business.
He is a clinical psychologist and leadership consultant with a unique ability to connect with audiences. Drawing upon his broad range of experiences in private practice, leadership consulting, and media, he simplifies life's issues and gives easy to understand, practical advice. It's Dr. Cloud's humor, compassion and "in the moment" confrontation that make his approach to psychology, business and spirituality such a success.
Dr. Cloud has written, or co-written, more than twenty books, including the two-million-seller Boundaries and his most recent books, Necessary Endings, Integrity, The One Life Solution, The Law of Happiness and 9 Things You Simply Must Do. His books have sold over five million copies. His works have been reviewed and featured by such publications as The New York Times, The Wall St. Journal, The Boston Globe, The Los Angeles Times and many others. Dr. Cloud co-hosts the nationally syndicated radio program New Life Live, which is heard in over 180 markets.
As a speaker, he is a favorite at corporate events, conventions, and public arena events on a variety of topics, speaking regularly through the U.S. and internationally.
In his consulting practice, he works with leaders in a wide range of organizations and corporations, from family help firms to Fortune 25 and Fortune 500 companies. He has an extensive executive coaching background and experience as an organizational and leadership consultant, spending the majority of his hands-on time with CEOs and executive teams.
Dr. Cloud founded and built a health care company which operated treatment centers in forty markets in the Western U.S. for which he served as Clinical Director for ten years. In that context of hands-on clinical experience, he developed and researched many of the treatment principles and methods that he communicates to audiences now. After selling the company, he devoted his time to consulting and coaching, spreading principles of hope and life-change through speaking, writing and media.
He is a graduate of Southern Methodist University, earning a B.S. in psychology with honors. He completed his Ph.D. in clinical psychology at Biola University, and his clinical internship at Los Angeles County Department of Mental Health. His philanthropic interests lie in the area of homelessness and the inner city, as well as missions in the developing world. He lives in Los Angeles with his wife, Tori, and their two daughters, Olivia and Lucy.

 

Customer Reviews

69 Reviews
5 star:
 (48)
4 star:
 (14)
3 star:
 (5)
2 star:
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1 star:
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Average Customer Review
4.6 out of 5 stars (69 customer reviews)
 
 
 
 
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Most Helpful Customer Reviews

83 of 91 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars Bringing God into your dating relationships, July 15, 2001
By A Customer
This review is from: Boundaries in Dating: Making Dating Work (Paperback)
"Boundaries in Dating" is a guide toward dating intentionally, intended for those who wish to have some spiritual guidance in their dating relationships. It helps to answer in part questions that should be a part of any dating relationship: where is God in all of this, and what role does God play in our dating relationship? How do I reflect God's values in my approach toward dating?

In Part 1, the authors recommend the approach of "taking God on a date" with you. They encourage requiring and embodying truth in dating relationships, guard against repeating the past, and remind that "dating won't cure a lonely heart," for that role belongs to God. (Additional spiritual reading, such as Henri J. M. Nouwen's "The Inner Voice of Love," support the theme of addressing needs and loneliness from a spiritual perspective as a foundation to addressing them from a relational perspective.) Part 2 examines character discernment of one's dating partner, and Part 3 examines self-reflection, particularly the issues of clinging to false hope (when a dating partner's actions don't support stated intentions) and the role of blame. Part 3 is particularly valuable in assigning responsibilities to roles in the dating relationship, sorting out what's your responsibility and what responsibility lies with your dating partner.

Chapter 17, "Set Appropriate Physical Limits," is the best discussion I've ever read on the long-term, destructive effect of premarital sex on our emotional, spiritual, and relational well-being. Far more than being merely prohibitive, it examines deeply the importance of delaying self-gratification. It provides a refreshingly thought-provoking and countercultural reminder that God's ways are not the ways of the culture in which we live, and what a challenge it is to integrate these two ways of life, should one choose to do so.

"Boundaries in dating is about becoming a truthful, caring, responsible, and free person who also encourages growth in those she is in contact with," the authors write. "Your dating life should be a powerful change agent for you." Countering the common assumption that dating is limited to "finding the right one," Cloud and Townsend take the spiritual approach that dating and relating is just as much about "learning about your own issues, how they affect others, and what to do about them." That dating should bring us closer to God seems to be the authors' ultimate goal in writing this book.

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132 of 158 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars Good consul for the rest of us., February 25, 2006
This review is from: Boundaries in Dating: Making Dating Work (Paperback)
Many Christian authors insist that courting or betrothal systems are God's way for us to avoid pain and find a "soul mate." These methods are often based on a dubious patchwork of Bible verses or an adaptation of Old Testament cultural norms. We can learn from the past, but duplicating it is not the answer. For those Christians who live in 21st century culture and deal with age-old relational issues, "Boundaries in Dating" is a practical resource.

Drs. Cloud and Townsend wrote "Boundaries in Dating" in part to rebut the book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye," by Joshua Harris. While they applaud Mr. Harris' intention to help people forsake sin and find a good spouse, they are skeptical of his anti-dating conclusions. The authors claim that character, and not a method, is the real key to finding a quality partner. If you have good character, then any matchmaking methodology will work. However, if you have relational problems or are a bad person, then no method will overcome these handicaps. Indeed, one who is deficient in character but skilled in manipulation may corrupt a method for his or her advantage. I've seen too many peers who jumped through all the typical Christian pre-wedding hoops, only to wind up divorced or in troubled marriages.

The authors acknowledge that most folks have hang-ups that make romance difficult. And unfortunately, there are wolves in sheep's clothing that must be avoided. Therefore, boundaries are a necessary part of a healthy dating relationship. "Boundaries in Dating" describes where boundaries are needed, ways to set them, and how to enforce the consequences when they are violated. Some complain that boundaries are a way to control other people. However, the authors view them as tools that reveal good character or uncover impure motives. Boundaries define areas of sensitivity and conviction, and whether or not they are respected tells a lot about a person. For example, if a gal lovingly acknowledges a guy's physical affection boundary, then she is demonstrating virtue by her respect for him. However, if a man continues to demean his girlfriend in public despite her protests, his disrespect shows that he has internal problems. Of course, good character does not equate to perfection. A boundary violator who repents and demonstrates growth is still a good bet, while a chronic boundary-crasher should be let go.

Like many people, I was raised in a dysfunctional setting. I didn't even become a Christian until I was seventeen. When I reached adulthood, I crashed and burned when dating other flawed people. Courting did not fix my internal problems or prevent them from manifesting, and involving the woman's parents in the process didn't shield me from getting hurt by her hang-ups. So I'm not impressed when obsolete marriage practices are defined as the only God-sanctioned way to gain a spouse. As one who is currently dating, holier-than-thou hedges just don't do it for me. Instead, I desire prayer and wise counsel to help me glorify God within my cultural mode of relationship. Good friends, wise mentors, and books like "Boundaries in Dating" help fill that need.
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27 of 30 people found the following review helpful:
4.0 out of 5 stars Helpful Hints for Successful Dating, January 21, 2002
By 
Tiffany Foster (Christian High, CA) - See all my reviews
This review is from: Boundaries in Dating: Making Dating Work (Paperback)
Boundaries in dating is a very good book. It provides many examples of problems in relationships and how they are worked out. This book gives good evidence to support dating, but it also gives good reasons when dating should be put off. It helps people in relationships to get through conflicts, and it helps others avoid conflicts in future relationships. This book is a great guide for those who are looking to start better relationships with new people, and those who are looking to give their old relationship a new start. I really enjoyed this book and I thought it was very helpful. I learned a lot about dating, and how certain problems in a relationship might be my fault instead of my partners. I recommend this book to every male and female, single or not. It will answer many questions about conflicts and boundaries in dating today.
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Inside This Book (learn more)
First Sentence:
So what do I do, set a bomb underneath his chair? Read the first page
Key Phrases - Statistically Improbable Phrases (SIPs): (learn more)
detention hall, safe people, appropriate physical limits, when opposites attract, character deficits, dating life
Key Phrases - Capitalized Phrases (CAPs): (learn more)
Take-Away Tips, Take God, Set Appropriate Physical Limits, Kiss False Hope Good-bye, Don't Repeat the Past, Don't Get Kidnapped, Beware When Opposites Attract, Too Fast, Don't Fall, Don't Ruin, Pay Later, Friendship Out of Loneliness
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