Customer Reviews

Boundaries in Dating: Making Dating Work

5 star:		(48)
4 star:		(14)
3 star:		(5)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(1)

 

 

"Boundaries in Dating" is a guide toward dating intentionally, intended for those who wish to have some spiritual guidance in their dating relationships. It helps to answer in part questions that should be a part of any dating relationship: where is God in all of this, and what role does God play in our dating relationship? How do I reflect God's values in my approach toward dating?

In Part 1, the authors recommend the approach of "taking God on a date" with you. They encourage requiring and embodying truth in dating relationships, guard against repeating the past, and remind that "dating won't cure a lonely heart," for that role belongs to God. (Additional spiritual reading, such as Henri J. M. Nouwen's "The Inner Voice of Love," support the theme of addressing needs and loneliness from a spiritual perspective as a foundation to addressing them from a relational perspective.) Part 2 examines character discernment of one's dating partner, and Part 3 examines self-reflection, particularly the issues of clinging to false hope (when a dating partner's actions don't support stated intentions) and the role of blame. Part 3 is particularly valuable in assigning responsibilities to roles in the dating relationship, sorting out what's your responsibility and what responsibility lies with your dating partner.

Chapter 17, "Set Appropriate Physical Limits," is the best discussion I've ever read on the long-term, destructive effect of premarital sex on our emotional, spiritual, and relational well-being. Far more than being merely prohibitive, it examines deeply the importance of delaying self-gratification. It provides a refreshingly thought-provoking and countercultural reminder that God's ways are not the ways of the culture in which we live, and what a challenge it is to integrate these two ways of life, should one choose to do so.

"Boundaries in dating is about becoming a truthful, caring, responsible, and free person who also encourages growth in those she is in contact with," the authors write. "Your dating life should be a powerful change agent for you." Countering the common assumption that dating is limited to "finding the right one," Cloud and Townsend take the spiritual approach that dating and relating is just as much about "learning about your own issues, how they affect others, and what to do about them." That dating should bring us closer to God seems to be the authors' ultimate goal in writing this book.

Many Christian authors insist that courting or betrothal systems are God's way for us to avoid pain and find a "soul mate." These methods are often based on a dubious patchwork of Bible verses or an adaptation of Old Testament cultural norms. We can learn from the past, but duplicating it is not the answer. For those Christians who live in 21st century culture and deal with age-old relational issues, "Boundaries in Dating" is a practical resource.

Drs. Cloud and Townsend wrote "Boundaries in Dating" in part to rebut the book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye," by Joshua Harris. While they applaud Mr. Harris' intention to help people forsake sin and find a good spouse, they are skeptical of his anti-dating conclusions. The authors claim that character, and not a method, is the real key to finding a quality partner. If you have good character, then any matchmaking methodology will work. However, if you have relational problems or are a bad person, then no method will overcome these handicaps. Indeed, one who is deficient in character but skilled in manipulation may corrupt a method for his or her advantage. I've seen too many peers who jumped through all the typical Christian pre-wedding hoops, only to wind up divorced or in troubled marriages.

The authors acknowledge that most folks have hang-ups that make romance difficult. And unfortunately, there are wolves in sheep's clothing that must be avoided. Therefore, boundaries are a necessary part of a healthy dating relationship. "Boundaries in Dating" describes where boundaries are needed, ways to set them, and how to enforce the consequences when they are violated. Some complain that boundaries are a way to control other people. However, the authors view them as tools that reveal good character or uncover impure motives. Boundaries define areas of sensitivity and conviction, and whether or not they are respected tells a lot about a person. For example, if a gal lovingly acknowledges a guy's physical affection boundary, then she is demonstrating virtue by her respect for him. However, if a man continues to demean his girlfriend in public despite her protests, his disrespect shows that he has internal problems. Of course, good character does not equate to perfection. A boundary violator who repents and demonstrates growth is still a good bet, while a chronic boundary-crasher should be let go.

Like many people, I was raised in a dysfunctional setting. I didn't even become a Christian until I was seventeen. When I reached adulthood, I crashed and burned when dating other flawed people. Courting did not fix my internal problems or prevent them from manifesting, and involving the woman's parents in the process didn't shield me from getting hurt by her hang-ups. So I'm not impressed when obsolete marriage practices are defined as the only God-sanctioned way to gain a spouse. As one who is currently dating, holier-than-thou hedges just don't do it for me. Instead, I desire prayer and wise counsel to help me glorify God within my cultural mode of relationship. Good friends, wise mentors, and books like "Boundaries in Dating" help fill that need.

Boundaries in dating is a very good book. It provides many examples of problems in relationships and how they are worked out. This book gives good evidence to support dating, but it also gives good reasons when dating should be put off. It helps people in relationships to get through conflicts, and it helps others avoid conflicts in future relationships. This book is a great guide for those who are looking to start better relationships with new people, and those who are looking to give their old relationship a new start. I really enjoyed this book and I thought it was very helpful. I learned a lot about dating, and how certain problems in a relationship might be my fault instead of my partners. I recommend this book to every male and female, single or not. It will answer many questions about conflicts and boundaries in dating today.

As I read this book I appreciated that he aknowledged that scripture never said not to date. However other parts seemed very empty to me. The chapter on sexual relationships encouraged us to not engage in premarital sex simply to protect our feelings. He did not aknowledge that God commands us to not engage in premarital sex. This book very much is a reaction to "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" and I was excited to read it because I felt "I kissed Dating Goodbye" made some good points but still was a little hollow. This book went to the other extreme and encourages people to date many people at the same time. I do not feel that this is a good solution either. Chapter 4 "dating won't cure a lonely heart" is a timely message that many of us need to hear. The book for this chapter is worth reading. Just be aware that the whole book is not wonderful.

This is a great book. If I try to tell you all the reasons why, I'll just end up copying it word for word. So I will attempt to highlight a few of the book's strengths. First, I liked that it doesn't make dating bad ipso facto. A lot of dating is sketch in this day & age but dating in and of itself is not, and can, in fact, be good. The authors, who are both Christian psychologists, illustrate how dating is a helpful aid in the marriage discernment process, and how at the same time, it can be a tool for our own personal spiritual growth.

It is balanced between evaluating the person you are dating and evaluating your own character and what you bring to the relationship. It is sometimes tempting for Christians to seek perfection in a date/future spouse, but the authors help the readers to refocus their sights on righteousness, not perfection, reminding us that we need to take the logs out of our own eyes before we deal with the specks in others.

The book is nicely organized into 4 parts: You and Your Boundaries, Whom Should I Date?, Solving Dating Problems: When You're Part of the Problem, and Solving Dating Problems: When Your Date Is the Problem. As an added bonus, there are Take-Away Tips at the end of every chapter that summarize the main points just outlined.

I know for my part that this book has helped me understand past relationships, as well as discern for the future. It is a welcome antidote to the prevailing theories of love, sex, and relationships. I recommend it without reservation.

This book was life changing. Coming out of an abusive situation which led to a divorce, I knew I needed help if I were ever to marry again! I figured that it was best to figure out why the abuse happened, as well as what I had done wrong in my choice of mate. This book was SO insightful that I wish it had been in print before my first marriage.

As it happens, I got into a dating relationship much sooner than I had expected. I had figured that I needed at LEAST 2 years to regroup before even planning to begin dating again. "Fate" had other plans. I got into a very bizarre and abusive dating relationship with a man who was unlike anyone I had ever known in that he manipulated me, lied, and had the gall to accuse me of trying to control him! Soon I began to feel those awful, trapped feelings from before.

I kept trying to step back and just slow things down (since he wanted to date me AND someone else at the same time and I happen to think one should be patient enough to date only one person at a time for the sake of other people's feelings). Part of the reason it felt so exhausting was the way he would talk about really wanting to marry me and then in the next breath tell me about a date he planned with the other gal he was just starting to see. When I challenged him about the hypocrisy and cruelty of playing with my feelings, he would accuse me of being controlling. When I tried to just be "coffee friends" until he decided how he felt about the other gal, he would accuse me of being controlling and not wanting the best for his son and himself. God had to finally wrest him away from me by having him dump me without telling me and then find out in a month or so that he was planning to marry yet a different gal in 4 months. Praise God for His mercy AND for THIS BOOK!

After the fact I read this book and it was like a bolt of lightning sending me back to reality. NO, it hadn't been wrong for me to tell him how I only felt comfortable dating one person at a time and only dating people who felt the same way. YES, I had been right to be bothered by the "little" lies he told me about his whereabouts. And YES, I was really wrong to have felt so desperate that I was so unattractive and getting old so fast (at 44--LOL) that I was not taking the time to think things through and to insist on an equal footing in our relationship.

I have given a copy of this book to several people, including to my own handsome but single sons:) One of them only barely escaped from a very controlling girl when she began to press him to change his college plans and get married a year early, before graduating from college and before having a very clear idea of what first job he wanted to pursue! He feels SO free having applied the principles of this book.

My story has a happy ending in that several months after the end of that nutty relationship I met a very honest, polite, considerate, generous, kind, affectionate, hard working man who just adores me:) It was a whirlwind romance, but the RIGHT kind. We are coming up on our 4th wedding anniversary and the 5th anniversary of our first email and first date. God is good and this book is the kind of great advice one would hope to get from BOTH one's mother and father (if one were smart enough to LISTEN to them--LOL).

I recommend this as essential, insightful reading for guys and gals from age 12 to age 100! If you follow these guidelines I can almost guarentee that you will NEVER get yourself into another abusive relationship. Just make sure that YOU are the same kind of person that the book discusses so that you may bless your date as well as he/she may bless you! Happy dating:)

This is ALSO a great book for picking out your friends! These authors have written several other great books such as Changes That Heal, Boundaries, Boundaries in Marriage, Boundaries With Children, and a book which I think is called 12 Things That Can Drive You Crazy. God bless you!

My Christian teenage daugher has many Christain friends who have bought TOTALLY into the book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" by Josh Harris. One of them gave the book to her in order (I think) to set her straight. She is a very bright, fun, thoughtful young lady who has dated and had some very good experiences with it and also rough experiences. She and I both read the book and discussed it together. It left her very distressed. She was made to feel like dating was a sin and yet, she couldn't really understand (Biblically) why. I, too, was very bothered by the legalistic approach of that book.

I went in search of a resource to clarify things for both my daughter and myself. I found this book and read it first before giving it to my daughter (no need to set her up for more confusion!) This book gives a wonderful and clear outline on the purposes and values of dating. It is biblically-based and sound in its information. My daughter is about halfway through reading it and as we discuss it, she is constantly saying, "now this makes sense". I especially appreciate the empasis placed on the issue of maturity in dating and how God can use dating (if done within His boundaries) to grow her into a mature Christian woman who will have the ability to make a wise decision when the time comes for her to marry.

She plans to share this book with all of her friends!

Full of wisdom and insight, this is one of the best books ever written about dating from a Christian perspective! This book has helped me identify unhealthy issues in my own dating patterns and areas in my life that I need to work on...and has given me courage and affirmation to date healthy, safe and balanced individuals. I'm sure that you will find it to be a source of education and encouragement as well. The topic of setting boundaries is a bit conceptual however, with a thorough understanding of its importance, you will be well equip to apply the truths outlined in the book to your own personal situations. A strength of the book lies in the practical examples the authors share to clarify each of the key principals and to help you apply them in your life. (I'd suggest reading the first book, "Boundaries" for a more indepth overview).

For those of you who have been skeptical of the courtship movement, this book not only analyzes the problems with some of ideas generated on Christian dating recently, but gives a practical, non-formulaic solution to dating and all manner of relationships. Written by two Christian counselors with doctorates and many years of experience counseling Christians on issues of dating and marriage, Boundries sets out a clear, biblical foundation for romantic relationships.

This book is aimed at singles, but Cloud and Townsend have written "Boundries in Marriage" as well. The workbook to "Boundries in Dating" is also especially helpful.

This is the first time that a book was so helpful I wanted to write a review. The book is written with a Christian focus, but the relationship issues that are identified are universal. My dating relationship had recently ended and reading this book was essential for the healing of my broken heart. I was able to see how my lack of boundaries contributed to our problems. I was also able to identify character deficits in my ex and understand that it was better to be alone than in an unhealthy relationship. I strongly recommend this book to anyone who wants to identify the recurring patterns in their relationships and take ownership for their role in these patterns so that they can have more satisfying relationships inthe future.