Customer Reviews

Boundaries Face to Face: How to Have That Difficult Conversation You've Been Avoiding

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This is a very useful, practical book on one of the most difficult areas of relationships: how to have open, productive, constructive conversations about relationship problems. The authors outline the benefits of a good confrontational conversation and then explain how to distinguish your real purpose for wanting to talk to someone, how to confront in a way that balances grace and truth, how to stay on-topic when discussing a hard issue with someone, and why and how to get ready in advance for difficult conversations. These down-to-earth practical skills, accompanied by many examples and case studies, are extremely helpful.

The last section of the book has separate chapters on how to engage in difficult conversations with parents, children, people in authority, spouses, etc. The omission of a chapter on friends is the only real fault I find with the book; I think people often have difficulties dealing with friend issues and some attention to this would have been extremely useful.

Overall, an excellent resource that provides encouragement and practical advice to anyone who has been putting off talking to someone about a difficult matter.

This book is a wonderful supplement to Boundaries! For those who are involved in learning how to set and live by boundaries, Boundaries Face to Face gives practical ways of handling inevitable challenges to your newly established boundaries. As always Drs. Cloud and Townsend explain their points from a Biblical perspective and they help their readers grow by challenging us to focus our attention upon the importance of the relationships we share with Christ and others. Since relationships are so vital to the Christian life, particularly in regards to spiritual growth, this book gives exemplary examples of how to mix grace with truth in our conservations so that we can speak the truth in love even in the midst of difficult conversations.

Many people would think by now the authors had gotten all the mileage possible from the "Boundaries" theme. After writing a best-selling book by the same title and a number of follow-ups, surely there is nothing left to cover. Cloud and Townsend here however, hit another home run by providing precious insights on how to have difficult conversations with the people around us, confronting others with the truth in Christian love. I won't go into detail with all the many positive aspects of this title -- I just realize as a pastor who has dealt with difficult people situations for over 25 years, this book is a God-send. I wish I had read it years ago.

I've read all of the "Boundaries" titles that build upon the original, and this one is the best of them. If you haven't read "Boundaries", read it then read this book. If you have read "Boundaries" then this volume is the one to read next. Obviously, I recommend it highly.

Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend have extensive experience in the study of how to have healthy confrontations and set boundaries in one's life. I found their book on the subject very helpful.

Cloud and Townsend explain that "a boundary is your personal property line. It defines who you are, where you end, and where others begin" (page 17). I believe that ministers probably have more trouble in this area that the general population because their entire life is focused on helping others. This provides many opportunities to forget where you end and where those that you are trying to help begin. This has been my own struggle for a long time.

The authors make it clear that one of the reasons why this is dangerous is because it will eventually breed resentment in your heart toward those who regularly cross the boundary lines. Another danger is that you often are training them to be unhealthy in their expectations. At some point you are not going to be able to carry both your load and theirs and then you will both be in trouble.
Frequent boundary crossing will lead toward alienation between the two parties. "Two people meeting to have the talk is a first step toward ending alienation" (page 23). This book is filled with practical and helpful suggestions on how to have that talk. Numerous scenarios and role plays were given throughout the book that showed how it might work out in real life. I found the various examples one of the most helpful parts of the book.

The authors had a lot of simple ways in which a person could improve the chances of a successful confrontation. They warned against using "global statements in all-or-nothing terms [because they] do little to solve a problem" (page 69). Instead they stressed over and over again the need to cite specific examples and specific episodes in the confrontation conversation. "The more you can identify specific events, words, and actions, the better your chances of resolving a problem successfully" (page 260).

Cloud and Townsend spent quite a bit of time discussing the need for adequate preparation before engaging in a confrontational conversation. They make it clear that "one thing that reduces the chances of a good outcome is a lack of preparation" (page 120).

I appreciated the grace that the authors wanted to show the person with whom one might need to have a confrontation. Though they recognize that there are instances in which the person may be a danger and the relationship may need to end, they made it clear that most often the person simply has not realized how their behavior, words or attitude are affecting those around them. "Often, when a person finds out he is hurting himself and others, it touches him at a heart level" (page 108). Once his heart is touched, then he will want to make a change that is better for everyone involved. The person will have a genuine experience of repentance. "Repentance means more than someone saying, `Sorry.' It means he truly has had a change of mind about his behavior and shows it by changing direction" (page 124). Genuine repentance is the ideal outcome of a confrontational conversation. It may not always happen, but it is the goal that the inner self hopes will be reached.

Another concept that was very insightful to me was the need to clarify in your own mind the reason for the confrontation. The authors pointed out numerous reasons why one person might confront another. Sometimes it has to do with stopping the person from bringing pain into your own life. Sometimes it has more to do with stopping the person from hurting themselves or others. Knowing what the point of the confrontation is helps you think through the right kinds of specific examples to use in the conversation. "When you clarify inside yourself the purpose of the confrontation, you will be much clearer and more focused in the talk itself" (page 124).

Overall I enjoyed reading this book. If I were to make one critical comment, it would be regarding the significant level of emotional health one needs for these very intense types of conversations. It seems that both the person doing the confronting, and the person who is being confronted, need to have a fairly high level of emotional development. It seems that many of the ideas in the book would not be nearly as effective if such development is not present. Though the authors touch here and there about what to do if such a high level of emotional development is not there, I do not believe they adequate deal with that possibility. It almost seemed as if the authors were assuming that all parties wanted to help or be helped. From my personal experience, I do not believe that is the case as often as the authors seem to assume. But regardless, it was a very helpful book and I felt that the investment of my time in reading the book was well worth it.

And you thought there wasn't any such thing as "easy confrontation". That's what we thought, but found confronting others can be not only easy, but also very peaceful and successful. Why get angry, look foolish, and get nothing settled when you can learn to confront people and situations as they occur in a way you're bound to be most satisfied with. Stop going home and wishing you'd said this or that. Learn what to say, when to say it, and how to be most successful with problem people and situations. Then you can go home satisfied with what you said and how things were handled, and get on with your life without looking back.

Having stepped in numerous cow pies over the years in my attempts to resolve people conflicts, I GREATLY appreciate a thorough, valuable guide to getting it right. I have found this to be a great reference book as I continue to practice the sensible, sensitive and solid advice offered in this book.