Boundaries in Marriage [Hardcover]

Henry Cloud (Author), John Townsend (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: September 1, 1999

Only when you and your mate know and respect each other's needs, choices, and freedom can you give yourselves freely and lovingly to one another. Boundaries in Marriage gives you the tools you need. Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, counselors and authors of the award-winning bestseller Boundaries, show you how to apply the principles of boundaries to your marriage. This book helps you understand the friction points or serious hurts and betrayals in your marriage -- and move beyond them to the mutual care, respect, affirmation, and intimacy you both long for.

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

Establishing and understanding boundaries are crucial to the success of a marriage, according to authors Cloud and Townsend, who cowrote the award-winning and biblically-based book Boundaries. For example, boundaries help us understand where one person ends and the other begins, the authors claim: "Once we know the boundaries, we know who should be owning the problem we are wrestling with," they write. "This issue of ownership is vital to any relationship, especially marriage." But more significantly, couples need to claim and take responsibility for the "treasures that lie within their individual borders," such as: "feelings, attitudes, behaviors, choices, limits, desires, thoughts, values, talents, and love." Based on the book that elevated them to national prominence, Cloud and Townsend caution readers not to use this self-help manifesto as a means to change one's spouse. Rather, this is a book about taking responsibility for oneself in all aspects of life, but especially within the boundaries of marital commitment.

Review

Two lives becoming one: That’s the marriage ideal. But maybe you’ve discovered that it’s easier said than done. How do you solve problems? How do you establish healthy communication? How do you work out conflict and deal with the struggle of differing needs? In the process of knitting two souls together, it’s easy to tear the fabric.

That’s why boundaries—the ways we define and maintain our sense of individuality, freedom, and personal integrity—are so important. And it’s why the principles described in Boundaries in Marriage are essential if you want your marriage to flourish.

Counselors and best-selling authors Henry Cloud and John Townsend, authors of the Gold Medallion Award-winning book, Boundaries, show how you and your mate can experience marriage at its best. You’ll learn how to deal with serious violations and betrayals and develop a haven of mutual love, care, appreciation, and growth. Boundaries in Marriage will show you: ? Why boundaries and the “Ten Laws of Boundaries” are vital for a thriving, productive marriage ? How values form the structure and architecture of marriage ? How to protect a marriage from intruders, whether parents, other people, affairs, or personal idols ? Why each partner needs to establish personal boundaries, and how to go about it ? How to work with a spouse who understands and values boundaries—and how to work with one who doesn’t

Whether you are just starting out as a couple, have been married for years, or are seriously contemplating marriage, Boundaries in Marriage will show you how to establish your own boundaries and respect those of your partner. Drawing on principles from the Bible, it can help you safeguard against relational fractures and mend existing cracks. It may even save your marriage. And it can help make even the best marriage better -- Publisher

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Product Details

• Reading level: Ages 18 and up
  
• Hardcover: 256 pages
• Publisher: Zondervan; 1 edition (September 1, 1999)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 031022151X
• ISBN-13: 978-0310221517
• Product Dimensions: 9.1 x 5.9 x 1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 12.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.4 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (76 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #67,063 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

85 of 86 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars An Incredibly Helpful Book for the Married and the Engaged!, December 27, 2006

By 

Laura Butler "Lola" (Plano, TX) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Boundaries in Marriage (Paperback)

This was the first book by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend that I have read. Therefore, I can neither confirm nor deny another reviewer's statement that it is essentially a rehash of the original Boundaries book. Having not read any of the other Boundaries books yet, I found this one to be quite excellent.

Whether or not you are a believer in Christ, this book can still be incredibly helpful if you're willing to read it with an open mind. It may even be helpful if you have a closed mind and you don't even want it to be helpful. ;) The strength in it is that it is not a "How To" book. The authors realized that lists of surface actions to change don't change the heart. They focus on pointing out principles and revealing truth. They give plenty of examples and paint pictures of how certain actions make others feel. This helps you see beyond yourself, thus allowing you to interact with your spouse with greater grace and mercy. The changes in your actions are the result rather than the solution.

Another thing I really like about this book is that it explains what submission and sacrifice in marriage really look like in the Bible and not in what the world believes that to look like. It explains that submission is always to be done in love and with the perspective of EVERYTHING that God has taught us through His Word. This means that submission and sacrifice do not mean giving up all your desires and doing everything your spouse tells you to do; it means upholding your responsibility to love your spouse no matter what (ie. loving them enough to help support the end of unhealthy behaviors and actions). Truly love your spouse as the Bible commands, will require you to say, "No," some times, it will require you to actively participate by voicing your own feelings and taking ownership for them, and it may even call for you to create a boundary of space by removing yourself if your spouse is being abusive. I have found this book to be very helpful for relationships outside of marriage as well (friendships, work hierarchys, family, etc).

The book begins by clarifying what a boundary really is (a means to help us determine "...where someone's control begins and ends" pg 24) and what it is not (a means to control someone else). It then continues to dislodge general society's definition of boundaries you may have in mind by explaining why and how boundaries and freedom are not mutually exclusive. Part 1 continues with a discussion of truths (laws) about marriage and people in general to be taken into account when one is setting boundaries and trying to respect another's boundaries.

Part 2 discusses 'oneness' and 'twoness', and it also addresses values. I believe the reviewer who had issues with this book being focused on twoness misunderstood this section. The authors are just pointing out that you weren't always one together so you have to understand that it takes work for two to become one. In fact, their first real statement in this section is that oneness is actually God's very design for marriage. Their point is that you can't depend on someone else to complete you; the idea is for your spouse to compliment and enhance you. My only issue with this section is that no person is absolutely complete, and the authors seem to take the assumption that this can be and should be the case. Christ is still completing a good work in us, and we won't be complete until we are home with Him in heaven. I think a better way the authors could have phrased this section is that the individuals should be able to assume responsibility and understanding for both their strengths and shortcomings.

Part 3 is the practical section that guides you in handling conflict. It helps you learn to handle it by first helping you define the type of conflict. It addresses handling conflict with someone who is willing AND with someone who is resistant.

Finally, Part 4 reemphasizes what boundaries are and what they are not. It discusses the misuse of boundaries.

This book holds quite a bit of information. I would recommend reading a section or two at a time and allowing breaks in between readings to evaluate and soak in the information. I hope you glean something valuable that will bless you from this book! Enjoy!

65 of 67 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars This book saved my marriage and my sanity, August 31, 2005

By 

Juniper Blue (Spirit Lake, ID) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Boundaries in Marriage (Paperback)

Literally it did. I had read dozens of books trying to find a way to salvage my marriage, including several advising doing anything to please your husband. You know the ones-"no matter what,stay sweet" kind of thing,but building a truly loving marriage isn't that simple. "Boundaries in Marriage" gives advice on how you (man or woman)can be loving but also stand firm- stand firm in the areas that define your freedom as an individual, your self respect and your dignity as a human being. This was the first book on relationships that made total sense to me and that made a truly positive difference in my life. I also recommend "Boundaries" by the same authors.

49 of 51 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Great Book, January 3, 2000

By A Customer

This review is from: Boundaries in Marriage (Hardcover)

This was a very good book. It helps you to concentrate on your errors and what you actually have control over. It helps you keep focused on what you can change about the relationship and not how you can change someone else.