Customer Reviews

Boundaries in Marriage

5 star:		(57)
4 star:		(9)
3 star:		(3)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(6)

 

 

This was the first book by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend that I have read. Therefore, I can neither confirm nor deny another reviewer's statement that it is essentially a rehash of the original Boundaries book. Having not read any of the other Boundaries books yet, I found this one to be quite excellent.

Whether or not you are a believer in Christ, this book can still be incredibly helpful if you're willing to read it with an open mind. It may even be helpful if you have a closed mind and you don't even want it to be helpful. ;) The strength in it is that it is not a "How To" book. The authors realized that lists of surface actions to change don't change the heart. They focus on pointing out principles and revealing truth. They give plenty of examples and paint pictures of how certain actions make others feel. This helps you see beyond yourself, thus allowing you to interact with your spouse with greater grace and mercy. The changes in your actions are the result rather than the solution.

Another thing I really like about this book is that it explains what submission and sacrifice in marriage really look like in the Bible and not in what the world believes that to look like. It explains that submission is always to be done in love and with the perspective of EVERYTHING that God has taught us through His Word. This means that submission and sacrifice do not mean giving up all your desires and doing everything your spouse tells you to do; it means upholding your responsibility to love your spouse no matter what (ie. loving them enough to help support the end of unhealthy behaviors and actions). Truly love your spouse as the Bible commands, will require you to say, "No," some times, it will require you to actively participate by voicing your own feelings and taking ownership for them, and it may even call for you to create a boundary of space by removing yourself if your spouse is being abusive. I have found this book to be very helpful for relationships outside of marriage as well (friendships, work hierarchys, family, etc).

The book begins by clarifying what a boundary really is (a means to help us determine "...where someone's control begins and ends" pg 24) and what it is not (a means to control someone else). It then continues to dislodge general society's definition of boundaries you may have in mind by explaining why and how boundaries and freedom are not mutually exclusive. Part 1 continues with a discussion of truths (laws) about marriage and people in general to be taken into account when one is setting boundaries and trying to respect another's boundaries.

Part 2 discusses 'oneness' and 'twoness', and it also addresses values. I believe the reviewer who had issues with this book being focused on twoness misunderstood this section. The authors are just pointing out that you weren't always one together so you have to understand that it takes work for two to become one. In fact, their first real statement in this section is that oneness is actually God's very design for marriage. Their point is that you can't depend on someone else to complete you; the idea is for your spouse to compliment and enhance you. My only issue with this section is that no person is absolutely complete, and the authors seem to take the assumption that this can be and should be the case. Christ is still completing a good work in us, and we won't be complete until we are home with Him in heaven. I think a better way the authors could have phrased this section is that the individuals should be able to assume responsibility and understanding for both their strengths and shortcomings.

Part 3 is the practical section that guides you in handling conflict. It helps you learn to handle it by first helping you define the type of conflict. It addresses handling conflict with someone who is willing AND with someone who is resistant.

Finally, Part 4 reemphasizes what boundaries are and what they are not. It discusses the misuse of boundaries.

This book holds quite a bit of information. I would recommend reading a section or two at a time and allowing breaks in between readings to evaluate and soak in the information. I hope you glean something valuable that will bless you from this book! Enjoy!

Literally it did. I had read dozens of books trying to find a way to salvage my marriage, including several advising doing anything to please your husband. You know the ones-"no matter what,stay sweet" kind of thing,but building a truly loving marriage isn't that simple. "Boundaries in Marriage" gives advice on how you (man or woman)can be loving but also stand firm- stand firm in the areas that define your freedom as an individual, your self respect and your dignity as a human being. This was the first book on relationships that made total sense to me and that made a truly positive difference in my life. I also recommend "Boundaries" by the same authors.

This was a very good book. It helps you to concentrate on your errors and what you actually have control over. It helps you keep focused on what you can change about the relationship and not how you can change someone else.

This book like all the others in the Townsend/Cloud series is real specific and great for anyone wanting to know more about healthy ways of relating. It helps to define who is responsible for what behavior and how to handle those that are out of control whether it is your spouse's or yours. Yes I had some real eye opener's and I like to think I do a great job, but I was just as responsible for my part in the marriage's success. Not all, but part. Boundaries in marriage gives you the tools for healthy relating and how to take action even if the other person is not. It brings people together not seperating with some cooky formula about men being so very different that they are from Mars. I think anyone who wants to take charge of the marriage or just feel good about their relationship should read this book.

Boundaries gives concrete examples of ways one learns to take responsibility for ones own feelings, thoughts, and actions. It clears the way for one to make choices for self which may impact another. The principals are sound and make a lot of sense.

I believe this book is an excellent gift to give as an engagement present or shower gift, but it needn't stop there. I have been married for over 35 years and there are practicals in the book which I never learned to use or stand up to. It is never too late to learn and knowledge based on Biblical principals is hard to deny. I wish I had the book thirty-six years ago.

This book has helped me face the fact that I had not been looking to change myself but rather had been focusing on changing my husband. I was spending so much time and energy on him and his issues, I had completely lost sight of mine. I picked up the book to learn how to help my husband by setting boundaries and ended up learning I can only change myself! A great book, I highly recommend it ..

This is an incredible book. It mirrors basic biblical principles and applies them to marriage. The whole time I was reading the book, I was thinking "This is so simple, but so profound". The book stresses Biblical "boundaries" for behavior between husband and wife. It encourages individuals to look at their own actions in a marriage and concentrate on improving their weaknesses. This could be uncomfortable for those who are unwilling to face the truth about themselves or take responsibility for their own faults. But if you are looking to read something that could greatly improve your marriage and your attitude towards relationships in general, this is the book to read.

I would have given 5 stars but I caution those who are new to Christianity and are less familiar with God's word. I was given the Boundaries book four years ago but it must not have been the right time for me (or God knew that I wasn't mature enough in my walk) to use the wisdom found in Boundaries properly. I was going through a severe marital crisis and God led me to His Word to learn all I needed to know. Now that my marriage is being healed and having spent the last four years learning God's Word and learning to lean on Him and follow the Holy Spirit's promptings, recently I checked out the book at the library and found some good advice. In fact I enjoyed it thoroughly, specifically it reinforced that it was important to recognize how we are responsible for our own behavior and that alone if worked on can influence our relationships dramatically. I also realized that we are not to take ownership of other people's emotions. The Holy Spirit spoke these words to me based on my own experience with family and all the drama I used to involve myself with. The Holy Spirit also said to love others through their weaknessess. Overall this book was very helpful. The examples hit home. I am concerned about the way some scriptures are interpreted differently from the way I've been taught. It almost seemed like the author had an idea of his own and then turned to the Bible to support his belief rather than starting with a biblical principle and then using it to incorporate into his experiences. The only way to discern is through seeking the Lord dilligently, being prayerful and being led by the Holy Spirit in each situation. Do not be deceived. You can take all you've learned, but what counts is obedience at the very moment that God is asking you to do something that seems contrary to what you know...like when Abraham was asked to sacrifice his son. I do recommend this book for those who have a close walk with the Lord but suffer from being a people pleaser. One example I offer and as the Bible points out, 'do not rescue an agry person otherwise you'll have to rescue that person again'.

We'll be married 30 years this September. Old habits become ruts that you accept, however they can be damaging to your marriage relationship & can become abusive in nature, unintentionally. This book helps couples to examine "habits" behaviors that are not healthy & gives tools how to stop that behavior in a respectful way for each partner. I highly reccomend this book. It has given our marriage more respect for each other & a freshness to who we are as human beings.