Boundaries with Teens: When to Say Yes, How to Say No [Paperback]

John Townsend (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: January 31, 2006

Teenagers! You love them to pieces ... but sometimes you feel like the pieces are falling apart Relax! Your sanity will survive these rocky teenage years, and so will your teens---provided you set healthy boundaries that work to their benefit and yours. Boundaries with Teens shows you how. From bestselling author and counselor Dr. John Townsend, here is the expert insight and guidance you need to help your teens take responsibility for their actions, attitudes, and emotions and gain a deeper appreciation and respect both for you and for themselves. With wisdom and empathy, Dr. Townsend, a father of two teens himself, applies biblically based principles for the challenging task of guiding your children through the teen years. He shows you how to: * deal with disrespectful attitudes and impossible behavior in your teen * set healthy limits and realistic consequences * be loving and caring while establishing rules * determine specific strategies to deal with problems both big and small Discover how your teenager thinks. Learn how to apply biblical principles to specific problems. Boundaries with Teens can help you establish wise and loving limits that make a positive difference in your adolescent, in the rest of your family, and in you.

Editorial Reviews

About the Author

Dr. John Townsend is a psychologist, popular speaker, and cohost of the nationally broadcast New Life Live! radio program, and a cofounder of Cloud-Townsend clinic and Cloud-Townsend Resources. His bestselling books include the Gold Medallion Award-winning Boundaries. Website: www.drtownsend.com Blog: facebook.com/drjohntownsend SPANISH BIO: Dr. John Townsend -- El Dr. John Townsend es un popular conferencista y un famosisimo autor de exito de ventas. Es graduado de psicologia clinica en Rosemead Graduate School of Psychology de Biola University. Ademas es coautor de numerosos libros incluyendo el ganador de la Medalla de Oro Limites. el es coanfitrion del programa radial emitido a nivel nacional New Life Live!

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Boundaries with Teens Copyright 2006 by John Townsend This title is also available as a Zondervan ebook product. Visit www.zondervan.com/ebooks for more information. This title is also available as a Zondervan audio product. Visit www.zondervan.com/audiopages for more information. Requests for information should be addressed to: Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49530 Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Townsend, John Sims, 1952 -- . Boundaries with teens : when to say yes, how to say no / John Townsend. --- 1st ed. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references. ISBN-13: 978-0-310-25957-2 ISBN-10: 0-310-25957-6 1. Parent and teenager --- Religious aspects --- Christianity. 2. Child rearing --- Religious aspects --- Christianity. 3. Parenting --- Religious aspects --- Christianity. 4. Teenagers --- Conduct of life. I. Title. BV4529.T685 2006 649'.125 --- dc22 2005024426 This edition printed on acid-free paper. All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible: New International Version. NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved. Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright 1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, IL 60189 USA. All rights reserved. The website addresses recommended throughout this book are offered as a resource to you. These websites are not intended in any way to be or imply an endorsement on the part of Zondervan, nor do we vouch for their content for the life of this book. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means --- electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any other --- except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher. Published in association with Yates and Yates, LLP, Attorneys and Counselors, Orange, CA. Interior design by Melissa Elenbaas Printed in the United States of America 06 07 08 09 10 11 * 22 21 20 19 18 17 16 15 14 13 12 11 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Chap ter 1 Revisit Your Own Adolescence One night when I was seventeen, I ran my parents' Ford Fairlane station wagon as fast as it would go. It gave out on me after about two miles. It just stopped, and that was it. The engine had to be rebuilt. What was I thinking? It was a station wagon! I had to call my dad at 1:00 a.m. so he could take me home. We had the car towed the next day. While the Fairlane tragedy isn't a good memory, I benefited from that experience. When one of my sons told me that he had lost a watch I had given him, I remembered how crummy I had felt when I had to call my own father and tell him what had happened to the Fairlane. That memory helped me understand how bad my son was feeling about losing his watch, so I just told him, 'Oh, well, we'll get another and try again.' If you have a pulse, you have similar stories from your adolescence. Teens do things that are irresponsible. That is the nature of adolescence. For some of us, the teen years had some minor blips, and for others of us, they were miserable. For the sake of your teen, remember your own adolescence. The more you can recollect how you felt and what you did then, the better a parent you will be. Your Teen Needs You to Have a Past Why should you unearth those days? What benefit will it bring to your adolescent? Significant ones, as we will see. Remembering can help you show your teen: Empathy and identification. It is easy to forget how difficult the teen years can be, and parents sometimes judge teens too harshly for behaving like a teenager. But your teen needs a parent who will connect with him and show him empathy, who can identify with what he is going through and who understands the struggle of adolescence. He needs to know that he is not alone in the fight. Think about how much you need someone to hear you and be there for you in your everyday struggles as an adult. What if every time you screwed up, all you heard was, 'What in the world are you doing? Are you trying to ruin your life?' Wouldn't it be easy to feel disheartened and give up? Your teen, whose brain is less developed than yours, is even less resilient in the face of criticism. Your support can soften the blows that will inevitably come your teen's way. This doesn't mean that you should tell your teen lots of stories about your own adolescence. Parents often do that, thinking it's helping, when it really ends up being more for the parent than for the teen. Instead, remember those days, give them a few stories now and then, but keep most of your memories to yourself and allow them to help you identify with your teen. I have had so many teens tell me how disconnected they feel when dad tells them all the stories of his adolescence. It's much better for you to enter their world. Nor does identifying with your teen mean you will approve of all his choices; rather, you are able to put yourself in your teen's place --- even when he is being rude, self-centered, and unreasonable. When you see a little part of yourself in your adolescent, you can give him the connection he needs to mature. Insight and wisdom. Because you have survived your own adolescence, you have access to what helped you during those turbulent years, and why. When you remember what made a difference in your life, those memories can give you insight and wisdom so that you, in turn, can provide what your teen needs. So ask yourself these three questions: 1. Who stuck with me without giving up on me? 2. What truths helped me make sense of the world? 3. What did I learn from the consequences of my actions? My Boy Scout troop leader, A. J. 'DK' DeKeyser, spent time with me during countless meetings and trips. He encouraged me to stay in Boy Scouts when I was ready to bail. And he didn't tell my parents every bad thing I did; instead, he handled each one himself. DK is one of those people whose wisdom helped me learn persistence, and my memories of him have reminded me of the kind of parent I want to be. Hope. All parents wonder if their teen will ever change, become responsible, or care about his or her life. Parents don't know their children's future. Yet, because you can remember your own adolescence, you now can understand your own life and decisions. You know that you went through tough times and made many bad decisions, but that you gradually became more connected, self-controlled, focused, and responsible. Your own years should offer you hope for your teen; you can convey that hope even when your teen is floundering. My mother raised four kids. After I had grown up, I asked her how she made it. She told me that when she was overwhelmed with us, she would go to her own mom, who had raised six kids. Her mom would always tell her the same thing: 'It's just a stage; they'll grow out of it.' This helped my mom put up with us and help us get to the next stage, whatever it was. Try to Remember . . . Even though it's not uncommon for parents to talk about how much more challenging the world is today for teens, research statistics say otherwise. For example, between 1978 and 2002, the average age for drinking alcohol for the first time went from 16.3 years to 16.2. The age for smoking the first cigarette went up from 15.2 years of age to 16.1, and the age for smoking marijuana for the first time went from 18.4 years of age to 17.2. In 1991, 54 percent of students had had sexual intercourse. In 2003, the percentage was 46 percent. Today's parents can rest assured that many of the challenges they faced in adolescence are similar to the challenges their teens face. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

Product Details

• Reading level: Ages 18 and up
  
• Paperback: 288 pages
• Publisher: Zondervan (January 31, 2006)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0310270456
• ISBN-13: 978-0310270454
• Product Dimensions: 8.4 x 5.4 x 0.7 inches
• Shipping Weight: 9.6 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.6 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (28 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #16,059 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
  • #17 in Books > Christian Books & Bibles > Ministry & Church Leadership > Youth Ministry

More About the Author

Dr. John Townsend is a leadership coach, psychologist and business consultant. He has authored or co-authored 26 books, selling 5 million copies. His bestseller "Boundaries" sold 2 million copies. He is cohost of the nationally-syndicated radio program "New Life Live", aired on 180 markets with a listenership of 3 million.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

100 of 100 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars You want specifics? You get specifics!, February 12, 2006

By 

A Reader from Michigan (Michigan USA) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Boundaries with Teens: When to Say Yes, How to Say No (Hardcover)

Dr. Townsend continues the fine tradition of the Boundaries series of Townsend and Cloud. As a youth leader, counselor, and as a father of 2 teens himself, Townsend addresses some basic underlying concepts for parenting teens. The first three sections of the book are entitled: "Be a Parent with Boundaries," "Understand the Teenage World," and "Set Boundaries with Your Teen." The focus here is equipping parents to build better relationships with their teens.

By far the largest fourth section of the book deals with specific issues involved in parenting adolescents: academics, agression, substance abuse, argumentativeness, breaking agreements, chores, clothing, curfews, self-mutilation, deception, defiance, family detachment, disrepect, driving, spirituality, ignoring parents, impulsive behaviors, the internet, handling money, moodiness, parties, peer relationships, phone usage, runaways, sexuality, and the silent treatment.

Townsend balances comforting parents in the difficult situations they find themselves in with teens, practical suggestions for working with teens on their own, and highlighting red flag behaviors that need professional intervention. The book is very readable and easily completed over a weekend. Following through on the suggestions will take longer, but Townsend helps encourage parents to hang in there!

27 of 27 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars A Must Read for Every Parent, June 27, 2006

By 

B H "bargain hunter" (Alabama) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Boundaries with Teens: When to Say Yes, How to Say No (Hardcover)

This book is quick and easy to read due to its methodical layout. The first three parts of the book set the stage for helping parents understand the teenage mind and the general concepts of setting boundaries. Part four lists specific issues most parents of teens will deal with. In each specific issue, the author defines the problem and then describes how to handle the problem. I recommend parents read the book from beginning to end to get the entire picture and benefit of the author's advice. What's nice about the fourth part of the book is that parents can time and time again flip to the specific behavior they are dealing with and review the advice. So far, Dr. Townsend's advice is working wonderfully in our household. I wish this book had been around years ago when my oldest became a teenager! I plan to buy copies of the book for my friends with teenagers.

26 of 26 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Offers encouragement to parents on every page, June 5, 2007

By 

FaithfulReader.com (New York, New York) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Boundaries with Teens: When to Say Yes, How to Say No (Hardcover)

The problem with most self-help books is that we turn to them when all else has failed, and often it is too late to deal effectively with the current crisis. Not that they can't help to point us in the right direction, but the advice would have been a lot more helpful if we had sought it before we got into the problem. Unfortunately, human nature seems to adhere to the "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" philosophy. So we fail to anticipate future problems and find ourselves scrambling for help when "it (inevitably) breaks."

Fortunately, for parents today, there are some excellent books available that can help them prepare for their child's stages of development. These books, written by people who have worked through many of parenting's pitfalls, can make the journey so much smoother and more enjoyable. Dr. John Townsend, who often co-authors with Dr. Henry Cloud, has written a series of books dealing with parenting and relationships that definitely falls into this category. These titles include RAISING GREAT KIDS, HOW PEOPLE GROW, BOUNDARIES WITH KIDS and BOUNDARIES IN MARRIAGE, plus others.

We have heard that a child's personality and tendencies are formed by the time he or she is eight years old. So what hope do parents have when their 14-year-old becomes rude and disrespectful, refusing to follow even the simplest of family rules? According to BOUNDARIES WITH TEENS, help is available, and while the child's personality and tendencies will not be changed, his or her behavior will. This allows the family to function and mom and dad to have a measure of serenity.

Dr. Townsend says, "I have seen many teens become more responsible, happier, and better prepared for adult life after their parents began to apply the principles and techniques discussed in this book. Many of these teens not only made positive changes in their lives, they also reconnected emotionally with their parents at levels that the parents thought they would never experience again." Using biblical principles as his guide, Dr. Townsend has put together a book that gives parents uncomplicated strategies for dealing with the most common and disturbing problems they are apt to face with their teenagers. Not only is there a chapter outline, there is also a detailed index to help find answers that focus on specific needs.

In addition to the practical advice, BOUNDARIES WITH TEENS offers encouragement to parents on every page. It reminds them of their own spiritual needs and commitments and gives them hope for success. Raising children is more challenging than ever, and people like Dr. Townsend provide welcome assistance.

--- Reviewed by Maggie Harding