Boundary Issues: Using Boundary Intelligence to Get the Intimacy You Want and the Independence You Need in Life, Love, and Work (Hardcover)

~ (Author) "Remember the Seinfeld episode about the "close talker" who got right in people's faces without noticing how uncomfortable he made them?..." (more)
Key Phrases: emotional trespass, boundary intelligence, boundary style, Boundary Style Questionnaire, Robert Kegan, Big Mind (more...)

Editorial Reviews

Product Description

ADVANCE PRAISE FOR BOUNDARY ISSUES

"Jane Adams gets at the heart of human relationships by illuminating the boundaries that create and sustain them. Taking on a subject that everyone talks about but few people really understand, she breaks new psychological ground in this accessible, empathetic, and original book that offers concrete assistance and wise counsel to all who struggle with the central dilemma of being human—being both separate and connected, intimate as well as autonomous, without sacrificing the self."
—Edward Hallowell, M.D., coauthor of Delivered from Distraction

"Understanding and respecting our own boundaries and others' is at the core of a happy life. Boundary Issues is a terrific journey into our own psychological needs, strengths, and weaknesses. We could all save a lot of therapeutic intervention by reading and following Dr. Adams's observations and suggestions."
—Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., author of Love Between Equals: How Peer Marriage Really Works

"All too rarely someone comes along who is able to turn a single phrase into a changed outlook on life. Dr. Jane Adams does that with Boundary Issues. By following Dr. Jane Adams's guidance and helpful exercises, each of us can find the freedom to love, work, negotiate, play, and live on our own terms."
—Suzanne Braun Levine, author of Inventing the Rest of Our Lives: Women in Second Adulthood

"I find this book vitally helpful, both personally and in my work as a psychotherapist. Learning to negotiate distance and intimacy is a huge issue for women who think that being joined at the hip is necessary for a relationship to survive."
—Colette Dowling, author of The Cinderella Complex and You Mean I Don't Have to Feel This Way?

"With her trademark wit and clarity, Jane Adams pulls at the threads that tie us together and tear us apart. She has translated decades of research into wise and inventive tools. Boundary Issues is the definitive book about finding both intimacy and independence."
—Dr. Barbara Mackoff, author of Leadership as a Habit of Mind and Growing a Girl

"Through her prescriptive advice and fascinating and relevant personal stories, Jane Adams helps us understand how to use Boundary Intelligence for happiness and personal growth."
—Carole Hyatt, coauthor of When Smart People Fail: Rebuilding Yourself for Success

From the Inside Flap

Psychological boundaries determine how we reconcile our seemingly contradictory needs for both intimacy and independence, closeness and separateness. The struggle to reconcile these needs dominates our emotional lives. In this fascinating book, journalist, coach, and social psychologist Jane Adams explains how boundaries can allow us to invite others in to share our deepest selves while they protect us from "emotional trespass."

Psychological boundaries are no less real than physical ones, and how you act them out in your relationships—your Boundary Style—is uniquely personal. In Boundary Issues, you'll learn how to use your Boundary Intelligence to manage your boundaries. Moreover, you'll learn how to adjust your Boundary Style to improve your relationships without endless hours on a therapist's couch, a complete psychological makeover, or the sacrifice of your own authenticity and autonomy.

Informed by psychological theory and research and illustrated with real-life stories, anecdotes, and examples drawn from everyday experiences, this groundbreaking book explores how boundaries develop and change at every stage of your life. Boundary Issues features a unique self-assessment questionnaire to help you identify your own Boundary Style and recognize how it influences all your relationships. Using the four basic skills of Boundary Intelligence—insight, awareness, intention, and action—you'll learn how to use boundaries to resolve conflict, transform your important personal and professional connections, and satisfy your deepest emotional needs.

This smart, engaging, helpful, and accessible book will forever change the way you interact with everyone in your life—the people you love, the friends you treasure, and the colleagues you work with.

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Product Details

• Hardcover: 256 pages
• Publisher: Wiley (October 17, 2005)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0471660450
• ISBN-13: 978-0471660453
• Product Dimensions: 9.3 x 6.2 x 1.1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.0 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (8 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #278,515 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

14 of 16 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Finally, a self-help book that really helps!!, October 11, 2005

By	A Reader in New York - See all my reviews

I LOVED this book because it told me how to get my mother to stop telling me what to do, wear and eat, my in-laws to stop telling me how to raise my kids, my friends to stop dumping their bad moods on me, and my husband to start sharing his feelings with me! Jane Adams is the most self-helpful writer I've ever read...I wish she were my shrink - or, better yet, my friend!

A Reader in New York

10 of 11 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars Well worth the read!, December 21, 2005

By	armchairinterviews.com (Minnesota) - See all my reviews

I always thought boundaries were a way of keeping others at a safe distance and out of my personal business. Instead, after reading this book, I learned that boundaries can also be a way to connect with others, and allow greater closeness and intimacy with the people in our lives. In order to do this, we need to cultivate something the author calls "boundary intelligence," which is an intentional management of three aspects of boundaries: their permeability, flexibility, and complexity.

The four elements of Boundary Intelligence are: awareness, insight, intention and action. It makes sense--if someone is stepping all over us, or if we are trespassing on their boundaries, we need first of all to be aware of the transgression, and then have the insight to realize that we need to adjust our boundary's permeability. Then we can form the intention to change and formulate a plan of action to address the boundary transgression.

All of us have different boundary styles, and an interesting quiz in Chapter 3 helps us understand our inner boundaries; those we have with others in our lives; and how their complexity, flexibility, and permeability all impact our dealings with others. I found this very interesting and helpful.

The book had several other quizzes, but they lacked enough explanation for me to make real sense of them. Throughout the book, numerous anecdotes and examples tell of boundaries being trampled on and ignored, all of which further illustrated the necessity of understanding and learning how to successfully negotiate boundaries with the people in our lives.

One area dealt with something the author termed "emotional trespass." This is when "we may not know exactly where our boundaries are, but we know when they've been violated." I can think of innumerable examples of this in my own life, but I never had a way to describe it before.

Armchair Interviews says: Boundary Intelligence will help you navigate your way through all the relationships in your life.

7 of 8 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Dr. Adams Writes a Lesson Plan..., October 12, 2005

By	M. Chippes (State of MInd) - See all my reviews

This is one of those subjects I've churned over in my mind countless times in my life and career without knowing exactly what to call it. This concise book gave me a handle. I've never read as clear, smart and lucid description of how important boundaries are in relationships - this is a wonderful book that everyone who's ever dealt with boundary issues should read...five stars!"