Customer Reviews

The Boy He Left Behind: A Man's Search for his Lost Father

5 star:		(6)
4 star:		(8)
3 star:		(0)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

I picked this book up purely on a hunch, having gone through my "father-work" a few years back. What a wonderful story. I read this book in 48 hours. I gave it to my wife, who rarely shares my literary taste, and she read it in 24 hours. Matousek is a very courageous and honorable story teller. I was rivited until the last page. All so human are the people in his life. He is honest about his rage...honest about his loss..and honest about his compassion. Highly recommended.

I came upon this book in the library with no prior knowledge of the book or the author. From page one I was captivated by Mark's life story and finished the book in 2 days. I'm surprised that it never received more recognition, as it has become one of my all-time favorites. It covers so many topics...religion, homosexuality, family relationships, love and loss...that anyone can relate to and identify with. Written with honesty and humor, I highly recommend this book to everyone!

One of the more frequently occuring mind stretchers that occur as adults is the quest for coming to understand our parents. It is part understanding ourselves, part seeking the reason why we are here and the meaning associated with that why. Mark Matousek has written a searing account of his dysfunctional family, sparing noone in the wake, not even himself. His writing is lucid, poetic, and yet very much in the mode of a mystery chef. He knows how to keep us connected to his style by inserting the detective work of seeking his father who deserted him at an early age, while he succinctly sets about releasing all his autobigraphical data in short chapters that identify why each member of his biological family as well as his extended family is a case study of maladaptation. For me the most enlightening aspect of this book was not about his failed search for his father, but about his discovering the gentle core of his seemingly abusive mother - on her deathbed. This is a well written book, at times bordering on a pity-party, that shows how even the worst of inherited familial traits can be overcome.

This book was for the most part funny, sad and insightful. Anyone, male or female, who has experienced the Incredible Disappearing Dad would probably enjoy "The Boy He Left Behind". I had a hard time putting it down despite the intermittent vulgarities.

At first I thought this must be a novel, the book opens with the account of when the author was about 4 years old. Sitting with his half sister's watching tv when his father comes back to kidnap him. He tries to kick in the door and grabs Mark, however on the way back to the car the mother runs out and wrestles with the father, at one point they are both tugging at him and all Mark wants to do is go with his father. But Mark does not remember it now, it is only what he is told by his sisters.

It certainly sets the tone of the book. Mark struggles all his life to find his identity and understand it. His father left for the last time that night and was never seen again. Mark hires a Private detective to find him and this book follows the search and also Mark's attempt to understand what was going on with his family. One of his half-sisters committed suicide and all had problems with their relationships. It seems it is also possible his half-sisters were molested by his father. Nothing however is ever really found out.

You could almost compare this to Dave Pelzer's books in his series (Child called it etc). There never seems to be an end of Mark's search, just as Pelzer is constantly trying to find out why his mother treated him the way she did, constantly seeks approval from her. Mark constantly struggles with why the family is as they are, and why his father left him, but it is more than that, he also wants to know that he, himself, is a good person.

i enjoyed this book, but found it a bit scattered at times. there are many threads woven throughout which i enjoyed, i just wish they were woven more concisely. life of course is not woven this concisely, nor do friends always tell things in such concise ways, but as a follow up to sex, death, enlightenment i was somewhat disappointed, although ultimately glad i read the book. i wish mark had sorted out his themes a bit better prior to the writing of each book, and woven them a bit more cleanly.

i certainly would recommend it, and give it four stars out of five. sex, death, enlightenment i would give 5 out of 5. the content of that also i think went a bit deeper in areas, and i think he could have gone deeper internally in this book as well, or at least shared it. he was certainly vulnerable, i just think he could have gone a bit deeper.

i loved his discussion of his relationship with louis. i found his relationship with his family challenging emotionally and at times would wait a day or two between sections just to absorb the process. ultimately i think it has greatly added to my own spiritual journey and appreciation of my family, appreciation of him as a human being, and appreciation for what so many gay men go through as well as what so many parentless children go through.

Matousek's book crosses a lot of genres:gay/Jewish/writer's life/memoir and ends up being universal. He is also an excellent writer and some of the quotes from other writers (Pessoa,Kazin) are really thought-provoking. The book rises above the usual litany of abuse and self-pity endemic to many memoirs. This is the best memoir I've read since Paul Monette's Borrowed Time.

While the premise of this book is that the author is looking for his father in reality he is trying to come to terms with the wounds inflicted by an emotionally absent mother. The book is written in an honest and insightful manner which I really enjoyed reading.

This book kind of found me. I was in non-fiction in the library looking up a totally different subject, when I noticed this title. I picked it up on an impulse, read the back, put it down as something I probably wouldn't like (too Oprah's book club depressing), but then came back to it later on a second impulse and checked it out.

I was still wary - and rightly so. The book is a memoir of a thirty-something man's search for the father that first kidnapped him and then abandoned him as a small child. It is also the story of the man's life, his mother's life, his sisters' lives, and other related family members (all the people around his father, since he didn't know his father). Not a one of them had a life of grace and ease. In fact, quite the opposite. The book is full of stories of abuse, neglect, suicide, promiscuity, dead-babies, AIDS, homelessness, hurt, and unfulfilled inner need.

Their lives were hugely painful. So much so that I was often uncomfortable with what was going on. However, at the same time, I loved these really screwed up people. Everything about them was so very, very sad but real, that I couldn't help but feel empathy and want better for them. The Mother in me wanted to take these children in my arms and hug them like they'd never been hugged before.

The author did a gorgeous job of showing the despair while at the same time giving the promise of overcoming the despair. His words were elegant, emotional, and choice. He's just a REALLY good writer.

I think what really made me so attached to the story was an incident toward the beginning that put the entire book in perspective. The author spent something like 10 years wandering the world searching for something (a Father?) in western and eastern religions. He tries to explain this to his gay partner as searching for Enlightenment. "I'm talking about Enlightenment with a capitol E." The partner just doesn't get it though and finally says something that completely stumps and silences the author. "Do you mean kindness?"

That to me was the center of this book. A family of people and relationships that stuck together through some really horrible things but never figured out how to give or receive kindness. Such a small lesson, such a huge difference to what happens without it.

I wouldn't have picked this if it hadn't found me. But I'm glad I read it because it gave me a lot to think about and be grateful for.

The cover drew me to this book--and the author has a comfortable writing style..even when what he writes about isn't that comfortable of a topic.