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Belisa Vranich, Psy.D., is a renowned clinical psychologist, author, and public speaker who specializes in women's health issues. She is a regular guest on CNN, The Today Show, Good Morning America, Fox, and Inside Edition. She has been interviewed as an expert in hundreds of publications, including Cosmopolitan, Men's Health, AARP, and The New York Post. Dr. Vranich has a decade of experience in developing educational campaigns, presenting, and lecturing nationwide.
Holly Eagleson is the former features editor for Cosmopolitan and Seventeen who writes regularly for Seventeen, Glamour, CosmoGirl, Everyday With Rachael Ray, and AOL. She also authored Mirror, Mirror: Discover Your Inner Beauty, a Guide for Girls 14-17, funded by the Dove Self-Esteem Fund for Girl Scouts of America.
This is a book for girls who like boys.
We should know—we're two of them! And we want to help you keep liking boys.
So before we go any further, let's make one thing clear. Don't let the title of this book confuse you: It is not a manifesto against guys. And it's not a license to man-bash or blame a problem with one boy on an entire gender at large. If you came here looking to hate, move along.
What this book is, then, is a handbook for smart girls who are ready to deal with some of the messy truths about guys and relationships. If that's you, then listen up. Because we're going to get real with you—fast.
If you want to have a good relationship with guys, you need to question every word that comes out of their mouths.
Yes, it sounds harsh. But when it comes to getting what they want sexually, young men will say anything—literally anything— to make it happen. Seriously, a straight guy will profess to loving the Jonas Brothers if it helps him get in your pants.
We're not saying all guys are like this 100 percent of the time. Nor do they 'only want one thing from you,' as dads across the country have preached for generations. In fact, a lot of great guys say plenty of nice things to make girls feel genuinely pretty, sexy, worthwhile, and loved. Who can blame you for believing them or just wanting to get into their pants, too? Everyone is curious about what it's like to connect with the opposite sex, emotionally and physically. You won't see us making the mistake of assuming that you don't want sex just as much as guys do!
At the same time, there's usually a lot more at stake for girls when they do have sex. Young women are more likely to be the ones who end up brokenhearted, losing their self-respect, and even being physically or emotionally abused. It's not like guys are out to hurt girls. It's just that the inexperienced ones are often victims of their own urges. They want something—unlimited booty whenever and from whomever—and they're afraid the truth won't get it for them. Because if they admit that they might want to be with a girl just for sex, what kind of self-respecting gal would tolerate that? Eventually, boys get savvy and realize that the easiest way to get what they 'need' is to distort the truth.
Being a smart girl, you can already spot a lot of the whoppers guys tell. You know—dumb, sexist stuff like 'Chicks are dumber than guys' or 'Bros before hos!' that they punctuate by high-fiving their buddies . . . which makes you want to high-five their faces. It's obvious that saying something so stupid, cruel, or outrageous can only be to get a rise out of you. Or because they're a few IQ points shy of human-being status.
But often, the most damaging things that guys say to gain control, power, or an ego boost are way more subtle. Like lies about your bodies, how sex should feel, and what gals owe guys physically and emotionally. They're also a lot harder to spot because you hear them during your most intimate moments with a boy.
They can come when one of you is feeling vulnerable (e.g., when he senses you're about to break up with him or are down on yourself) or even when you're feeling safe (e.g., when you have the upper hand in the relationship, or are cuddling up in his bed after a super fun party you both enjoyed). It's in these moments, when your guard is down and your heart is open, that you're most at risk.
So we thought it was time someone exposed why guys lie, the ways they do it, and how you can protect yourself. Through our interviews with hundreds of guys and some of the biggest relationship experts in psychology and sexuality, we've put together a list of 17 of the most common lies you and your friends will hear at some point in your lives.
Guys' lies run the gamut from innocuous to dangerous, with just about everything that's inappropriate, disgusting, insulting, and generally slap-your-forehead wrong in between. Sadly, a lot of them may be familiar to you. Discovering that someone you care about told you one of these things just to get something from you or even to hurt you really sucks. But it blows even more to keep believing that lie when you're on the verge of doing some not-sosmart things with your body and heart just to get close to a guy.
This book will help you identify a lie when you hear it and figure out who to trust. But in a larger way, it helps you sharpen your instincts and safeguard yourself from people who don't have your best interests at heart. Have you ever heard the phrase caveat emptor? It's Latin, and it translates roughly into 'buyer beware.' Basically, it's something that people say before you plunk down anything of value in exchange for something another person is selling. It's a caution to do your research, figure out what's motivating the seller, and be aware that everyone has an agenda.
©2010. Belisa Vranich, Psy.D & Holly Eagleson. All rights reserved. Reprinted from Boys Lie. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, without the written permission of the publisher. Publisher: Health Communications, Inc., 3201 SW 15th Street, Deerfield Beach, FL 33442