As the father of three daughters, I really admired Meg Meeker's "Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters". Since I also have three sons, I was happy to read her new book "Boys Should Be Boys". Note that her first book had 10 secrets every father should know. This book has 7 secrets to raising healthy sons. I guess boys are simpler creatures.
The main thrust of the book is that boys need to explore, test their limits, and this can often lead to scrapes, bruises, dirty clothes, and even a broken bone or two. However, in our obsession to protect boys from their natural tendencies, we cosset them in a toxic environment of video games, online pseudo relationships, sexual influences from TV, movies, and the Web, and give them everything but our personal time and attention. Then we wonder why they have ADHD, stunted emotional growth, and difficulty in transitioning to manhood. The point of the book is not to blame parents, but to alert them to the dangers, to what it is that boys need, and to help them realize the extra effort that must be applied to raising their sons in order to counter the awful societal influences that are drowning our boys.
The book has twelve chapters and the first is an overview of this problem. The next seven go over the seven areas we need to pay attention to in raising our sons and grandsons. The second chapter discusses that we need to help our boys through the difficulties of peer pressure. While this is true in every generation, since our time is particularly toxic towards boys we need to be very careful about the influences and values being taught to them. The third discusses the natural tendency of boys to explore the woods, climb trees, play rough sports, and other `dangerous' activities. This is what boys SHOULD be doing. Meeker points out the health neighborhood games when teams are formed with boys of different ages and they have to work out leadership and test their limits versus the packaged formal team sports where every boy is the same age and the parents run everything including protecting the boys from winning and losing.
The fourth chapter explores the dangers of boys getting lost in the world of electronics. While there is nothing wrong with computers, iPods, or other electronic devices in and of themselves, there are very bad influences there that they need to be kept from. They also must not be allowed to become addicted to them and the influences they can find there. Spending vast numbers of hours on video games, online `relationships', and who knows what else, is a very bad thing for growing boys. They need real world friends, experiences, and skill development - especially social skills.
The fifth deals with societal animosity towards teenage boys. I know some will scream that this is not true because they are thinking of the kind of moody, depressed, and angry boy they have created and then want to fix. This kind of moody teenager is much more a media creation and now a societal reality than it should be in the real world. Yes, depression is very serious and should be treated by competent medical doctors, but if you raise healthy boys that experience healthy activities and friends, they will be much less likely to develop these problems.
The sixth tells you the true way to build self-confidence and mental health. You encourage them at all times (praise should dominate criticism ten statements to one). You should also help them, train them, and show them activities they can master. The feeling of accomplishment is a powerful emotional resource builder. And you help them get into competitive experiences and especially those where they can taste winning more than losing. Viewing themselves as winners and knowing that feeling is also a powerful force as they move through life.
The seventh chapter examines the role of mothers in a son's life and the necessity of the unconditional love a mother provides. She is his defender, will praise him when no one else will, and comforts him when he does feel defeated. The eighth is the strength a dad provides when he participates in a son's life in a real and present way. Providing an example of the virtues you want your boy to have is essential. Setting high standards for him that you model and support him developing (through encouragement, not criticism) is essential.
Chapter nine shows us why so many men are just older boys. They never made that difficult step of transitioning from being boys to men. This is a stage they must be helped through and having a role model of a good man (the father) to emulate along with providing a loving expectation that they must make the transition is critical to supporting them taking that difficult step.
Personally, I think chapter ten is one our society should pay very close attention to. Too many families stay away from Church. Oh, they may say they are of this or that faith, but they don't get involved as a family that makes their faith a part of their everyday lives. By helping your boy develop a strong faith in God you will help him build reserves of hope, an understanding of love beyond the erotic, the importance of truth, an understanding of repentance and forgiveness, and a security in the unfolding of his life. No, you can't just send them to church and think you have done your job.
Chapter eleven examines the some other core virtues we want our men to have so they must develop them as boys. These virtues are integrity, courage, humility, meekness, and kindness. Just because we want the boys to be strong and confident does not mean we want them to be blustering bullies.
Meeker ends the book with a chapter listing ten tips.
1) Know that you change his world
2) Raise him from the inside out (worry about his inner life and the outer life will follow)
3) Help his masculinity to explode
4) Help him find purpose and passion (other than being a video game master)
5) Teach him to serve (this is where Church can come in handy)
6) Insist on self-respect
7) Persevere
8) Be his hero
9) Watch, then watch again (pay close attention to what is going on in his life)
10) Give him the best of yourself (not just the leftovers)
An excellent book that I highly recommend.
Reviewed by Craig Matteson, Ann Arbor, MI
Here is her book on Fathers and Daughters:
Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: 10 Secrets Every Father Should Know
