Customer Reviews

Boys Will Be Men

5 star:		(3)
4 star:		(1)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(3)

 

 

Paul Kivel has done it again with this excellent, pragmatic piece on how to challenge the forces that harm young men (and young women) in schools and families. As a professor of school and family counseling, I am always searching for pragmatic, effective, down-to-earth resources that will assist students, parents, counselors, teachers, and all others concerned about our youth. Kivel brings his substantial experience as an anti-oppression educator and activist from his work with the Oakland Men's Center into his latest work. Having seen him do his workshops live, knowing his unique abilities to affirm boys and men across all cultural identities, this work continues his excellent pragmatic scholarship in creating safe schools and families for all. Highly recommended and I have adopted it for use in my school counseling courses.

This book is fascinating in more ways than one. It dicusses the many social and family pressures on boys growing up in America, and how we can relieve some of these pressures so that our sons can grow up to be mature, sensitive adults. It includes such issues as showing emotions, competitiveness in sports, homophobia, teenage relationships, violence on TV and in video games, and family values. It offers many opportunities for the adults reading the book to think about and discuss their own feelings on their upbringings and personal morals, and shows how these aspects can shape boys. It doesn't offer any answers, but rather asks the questions in such a way that readers can make their own decisions about topics.

All of Kivel's review ratings are extremely high on Amazon except for the one's that deal directly with confronting socialized male behavoir. My fellow reviewers have not only expressed fears about their son getting beat up and not surving in a man's world, but have justified violence as biological. I think there is a symptom at work here and it isn't our genetic make up, but our society's complete inability to question male dominance and hold men accountable for their behavoir. Men choose to hit their wives and claim they had a bad day at work -why not hit your boss? Domestic and sexual violence are considered "women's issues" and yet the overwhelming majority of cases are caused by men. But even worse is that we don't take a look at why we do this, we defer the blame to someone else, justify it away, or claim that this is the only way to survive as men - and so we pass it on to our children for them to repeat our mistakes.

I actually unexpectedly met one of Paul Kivel's [grown] sons after reading the book. He is a living testament to the teachings in this book. Obviously Kivel's ideas work as he did an excellent job raising his son who is intelligent, emotionally intelligent, compassionate, strong, socially aware, an activist, and a leader - no such nerd or wallflower as some other reviewers implied would happen if you raise your son according to the tenets in this book. His son cares about the people in this world, treats people with respect, and does what he can to make the world a better place. I would be wary of people who don't want to raise their sons in such a thoughtful manner.

I haven't read this book (Amazon just makes you choose a rating before they'll accept a submittal like this), but since there was no review available when I looked it up here, I thought I'd type in the capsule review offered on my "Working Assets" phone bill under "Thought Provoking Books":

"Young people face a world of everlasting complexity, alienation and violence. But our schools seem largely unable to provide them with the skills and understanding they need to survive, to thrive, to make a difference. 'Boys Will Be Men' helps parents and educators grapple with the complex forces in our sons' lives, including racism, homophobia, pornography, drugs and sex. It offers sound advice on how we can raise our sons to become the kind of men needed for a democratic society."

I'm steering a middle course between the extremes represented
here.
I don't hold with the 'you have to fight to be a man' school,
but I'm certainly not on board with Kivel's "there are no inherent differences between boys and girls, only societally programmed differences." I managed to get through the book with difficulty; his obvious distaste for any school of thought which presupposes some behaviors as innately masculine stuck in my throat.
I was a boy, my son is a boy - he's not the way I was at his age, and that's fine by me. He likes to run and yell and make messes - but he also likes chess and math and playing the saxophone. I don't try to smother his behaviors based on whether or not they meet a predetermined template - either Iron John's or Mr. Kivel's. The curious thing is, Kivel is just as dogmatic about what constitutes 'acceptable' behavior as James Dobson - a comparison which would no doubt dismay both men.

Don't waste your money or your time on this book. The author is still stuck in the now debunked and outdated "Standard Social Science Model" of human behavior. He sees only the "nurture" side of the "nature vs. nurture" debate and refuses to aknowledge the role nature (biology and evolution) plays. Current scientific evidence and documented cases have proven gender-associated behavior is primarily determined by biology, and that it is a mistake to try to "socialize" boys into more "feminine" behavior. (The majority of men in prison today come from fatherless, female-dominated households.) This male-bashing book, with a radical feminist perspective, only perpetuates the myth that we are all "blank slates" at birth and can be molded into whatever political/social correctness is in vogue at the time. I highly recommend Michael Gurian's, A Fine Young Man (1998) as an alternative choice.

Don't you love your son? Don't you want him to be happy and successful? I beg you, please don't destroy his life by submitting him to the tripe espoused by Paul Kivel!

Allow me to explain what will happen to your little man should you proceed with this purchase and embrace the philosophies within. First, he's going to get beat up. A lot. After you explain to him that "violence doesn't solve anything" and you refuse to let him retaliate, he will grow confused and his grades will begin to suffer. (After all, violence solved the little dilemma about what to spend his lunch money on, didn't it?). Having already fallen out of favor with his classmates for being a sniveling coward, his teacher will now begin to harrass him about his classroom performance. And the poor little guy will have to go home to you telling him to quell every urge and instinct that he has as a male. He will feel afraid. Lost. Unaccepted and ostrasized at every turn. He will grow quiet and shy. He won't be able to use the restroom with the other boys watching. And he will retreat further and further within himself, which will cause him to get beat up more, which will cause his grades to suffer, which will invoke still more of your flawed philosphies about child-rearing........and the vicious circle continues.

At best, he will grow into a "geek" and be capable of interaction solely with computers. He will never have a date, a first kiss, a son of his own. His lack of social skills will relegate him to the janitorial profession. His life will pass without love or friendship or acceptance or understanding.

At worst, the term "loner" will be applied to him after yet another school tragedy.

Surely you'd want to avoid either of these scenarios, right?

If you are a single mother struggling with how to raise a boy, I am sympathetic to that. But instead of filling both your minds with senseless garbage about "equality" and "racism" and "homophobia", I suggest that you go out and get yourself a man. And I mean a real MAN. The kind that can kill a saber-toothed tiger with one blow from a stone axe. That's what the both of you need: a proper role model for your young son, and someone who can protect and provide for you.

However, if you ARE married, please march up to your husband right now and explain to him why you want to turn his strapping young man into a frightened, insecure loser.