Break Through: When to Give In, How to Push Back [Hardcover]

Tim Clinton (Author), Pat Springle (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: May 22, 2012

When does true love give in? When does true love push back? Break Through by Dr. Tim Clinton and Pat Springle shows you how to love and how to set effective limits so that everybody wins.

While most of our relationships may be healthy and satisfying, we often have one or two important people who change the rules and drive us crazy--a deadbeat dad, an alcoholic spouse, a wayward child, a demanding boss, a lazy roommate.

When you really care about someone, it's easy to get stuck in painful, even destructive patterns--caving in to a spouse's manipulation, ignoring a live-at-home son's irresponsibility, not confronting a friend's addiction. We excuse people again and again, and then kick ourselves for not setting better boundaries.

When we act out of enmeshment and codependency, we may think we are experiencing love, but it's a shallow substitute for the love God longs for us to share and enjoy. Break Through helps you exchange manipulative and unhealthy relationships for reciprocal relationships that honor boundaries and allow each person the freedom to take responsibility for his or her own choices. 

This important book, with its transformational tools and insightful illustrations from leading Christian counselor Tim Clinton and noted author Pat Springle, will guide you in not only breaking through to better relationships but making big changes for the better.

Their expert insights will help you:

•  Identify why you gravitate toward certain relationships, and why you stay
•  Discern the warning signs of an unhealthy relationship
•  Live within your limits, and help others to do the same
•  Redefine love, trust--and your responsibility to the people you care about
•  Learn which choices and behaviors cause relationship troubles
•  Experience the power and freedom of forgiveness

With proven principles for learning to say yes when you want to and no when you need to, you'll discover how to give up your need to please, rescue, fix, or control anyone else. Leave others' unrealistic expectations behind. Speak the hard truth to those who have hurt you. And exchange harmful relationship habits for healthy ones.

Like a GPS that guides you through the detours in your travels, Break Through offers sure navigation across the landscape of troubled relationships, giving you a saner perspective, along with practical steps and valuable tools that can protect you from the controlling, irresponsible behaviors of others. And the study questions, checklists, and inspirational stories in this book will help you fulfill your deepest potential for connecting to others in authentic ways.

Within these pages is your moment: the moment when you break through to the love that God longs for you to experience with the people who matter most!

Editorial Reviews

Review

I hear from people every day who struggle with feeling controlled or manipulated by a spouse, friend, family memeber, or coworker. Finally...advice that works! 

- Lysa TerKeurst, New York Times Best-Selling Author of Made to Crave

I hear from people every day who struggle with feeling controlled or manipulated by a spouse, friend, family memeber, or coworker. Finally...advice that works! <div>- Lysa TerKeurst, New York Times Best-Selling Author of Made to Crave</div> --Lysa Terkeurst

From the Inside Flap

While most of our relationships may be healthy and satisfying, we often have one or two important people who can change the rules and drive us crazy--a deadbeat dad, an alcoholic spouse, a wayward child, a demanding boss, a lazy roommate.

When does true love give in? When does true love push back? Break Through, by Dr. Tim Clinton and Pat Springle, shows you how to love and set effective limits so that everybody wins.

Their expert insights will help you:

• Identify why you gravitate toward certain relationships, and why you stay
• Discern the warning signs of an unhealthy relationship
• Live within your limits, and help others to do the same
• Redefine love, trust, and your responsibility to the people you care about
• Learn which choices and behaviors cause relationship troubles
• Experience the power and freedom of forgiveness

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Hardcover: 279 pages
• Publisher: Worthy Publishing (May 22, 2012)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1617950734
• ISBN-13: 978-1617950735
• Product Dimensions: 8.9 x 5.8 x 1.3 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.2 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.4 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (60 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #20,628 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

(Ed. D. The College of William and Mary) is President of the nearly 50,000-member American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC), the largest and most diverse Christian counseling association in the world. He is Professor of Counseling and Pastoral Care, and Executive Director of the Center for Counseling and Family Studies at Liberty University. Licensed in Virginia as both a Professional Counselor (LPC) and Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), Tim now spends a majority of his time working with Christian leaders and professional athletes. He is recognized as a world leader in faith and mental health issues and has authored 20 books including his latest, Breakthrough: When to Give In, When to Push Back. Most importantly, Tim has been married 31 years to his wife Julie and together they have two children, Megan and Zach.

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

20 of 20 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Christian Healing Is Possible May 20, 2012

By Kevin L. Nenstiel TOP 1000 REVIEWERVINE™ VOICE

Format:Hardcover

Clinton and Springle assert that many of us have flaccid boundaries and codependent relationships because we have placed others in the position reserved only for God. We may give in, rescuing the object of our devotion from the consequences of their actions, or we may dominate and micromanage their choices, or we may even flee from them; but the source remains the same. Damaged relationships are a form of idolatry.

This thesis, sure to be controversial in certain circles, manages to smoothly unify the worlds of Christian theology and psychotherapy. Both are historically based on the belief that we as humans naturally have things out of balance. And, as these and other authors have noted recently, the latest discoveries in human psychology have served to ratify the bulk of Christian insights on the soul, from Paul and Augustine to Erasmus and Calvin.

When we identify how we make idols of the people around us, we identify the tools at our disposal to correct the problem. However, because we make idols in so many different ways, any one-size-fits-all solution will fall flat. Clinton and Springle collate the various ways we as humans manufacture idols out of the people we love, and force us to ask ourselves hard questions. Only then, they say, can we address the problems.

And address them we do. Through a mix of anecdote, Socratic dialogue, and counseling, they make us take stock of how we reached the point we're at, and only then guide us on how to get back on track. I don't recall seeing a better integrated piece of Christian counseling than this. Most books lean to either evangelism or therapy, and use the other to bolster the chosen central track, but these authors treat Christianity and counseling as two halves of one whole....

Moreover, they address the one problem I see most often ignored in books like this: most people don't want us to change. They receive the benefit of our illness, whether as the beneficiaries of our rescues, willing targets of our control, or controllers of our passivity. Clinton and Springle require us, as part of our healing, to confront those who would hold us back. They even provide a guide for how to prepare for, navigate, and recover from that confrontation.

No book, of course, can replace good, guided therapy. Clinton and Springle even remind us of this periodically. But as a supplement for one-on-one therapy, pastoral counseling, or support group participation, this book makes a good guide to reconcile our lives to God's vision. The authors don't pretend this will come easily. But, as survivors themselves and guides for others, they show that good Christian healing is possible. Read more ›

15 of 16 people found the following review helpful

3.0 out of 5 stars Responsible People, Responsible Relationships May 22, 2012

By James J. Kane VINE™ VOICE

Format:Hardcover

"To find the right balance of responsibility, some of us need to say less, some need to say more; some need to sit down, some need to stand up; some need to say no, some need to say yes." Break Through, page 190

At a clergy retreat nearly twenty years ago now, I was introduced to the concept of enmeshment in family systems. Since that time when I have done premarital counseling I have emphasized understanding family systems and how it affects one's marital relationship.

I have also thought of Abbot and Costello's classic Who's On First routine as it relates to family life. Seriously, some families know who is exactly on first. Other families are not sure who is on first, "oh the kids are out there...somewhere..." Enmeshment is a cause for both views.

Enmeshment is a relationship killer. It causes strong and confident people to lose their confidence and identity. It causes power hungry people to grow more powerful and domineering. It disables relationships, hope, love, and truth.

Dr. Tim Clinton and Pat Springle has provided us with a detailed, yet hopeful portrait of how to overcome enmeshed relationships and dynamics from a faith perspective that avoids a simplistic and "preachy" approach and tone. Break Through: When to Give In, How to Push Back (released yesterday, May 22, 2012, by Worthy Publishing ) offers some practical and helpful suggestions for learning how to deal with enmeshed relationships in marriage and family life.

The book begins with an overview of how enmeshment destroys vital relationships and is rooted in a false view of love that causes people to use denial to avoid dealing with the reality of dysfunction in a any relationship.... Then it moves into subjects such as idolatry of persons and relationships which the authors call "Functional Saviors" and also the importance of understanding roles such as fixers who thrive on fixing people, performers whose success set up a treadmill of expectations that never end and exhaust a person, avoiders who seek to avoid conflict and lack trust in others; doormats who simply seek to not rock the boat, and adrenaline junkies who seek thrills to avoid an emptiness. They move on to the tasks of developing a healthy personal identity, the value and importance of proper trust, and the need to balance responsibilities as they go back and forth between the marriage setting and parenting.

Through a liberal use of stories of people and use of the Bible in a helpful way, they make a case that freedom to be a maturing and responsible adult is the path that we all need to take. An they provide a series of questions at the end of each chapter to assist the reader in applying what they have learned.

It is a strong faith based book and is a blend of both development and behavioral psychology. But Clinton and Springle have added to the discussion, in my opinion, by asking the reader to develop a healthy definition of love by redefining love in healthier terms. Most of the terms and concepts I have heard for years but it was good to hear them again.

I like this book though I think that if it is given to someone to help them work on improving their interpersonal skills and deal with enmeshment issues, it needs to be used in a group setting or at least discussed with someone who can help the reader process their issues. It is very detailed and at times the reader could be overwhelmed with the information.

On my rating scale, I rate this book a 'good' read.

Note: I was invited by the publisher, Worthy Press, to review this book without the expectation of a positive review. Read more ›

9 of 9 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars A gift of healing, wisdom and truth! May 16, 2012

By Kimfurd

Format:Hardcover

"Crises seem utterly cataclysmic. The heartache and darkness of a crisis can be overwhelming, but God is the master of turning mourning into dancing, and darkness into light. If we step back, we might catch a glimpse of what He sees." (p. 248-249)

Break Through was a God appointment in my life. It has taught me valuable lessons about myself and how I interact with the world around me. It has helped me make sense of a series of crises in my own life, and I will be forever grateful for the insight and knowledge that I have gained from its pages. As a matter of fact, I plan to go back through the book yet again, more thoughtfully, more carefully and with another highlighter.

Clinton and Springle have poured years of knowledge and experience into the pages of this book, and it is a great tool for anyone to use to gain knowledge about God's plan for human relationships. The Bible, as always, contains clear examples and illustrations of human relationship that honors God and human relationship that destroys and leaves great hurt in its wake. Sometimes, we are so habitual in the way we interact with others, we fail to see our own weaknesses and fail to realize how our choices and behavior bring harm to others. We must learn from our bad choices and behaviors and ask God to heal us in our brokenness and guide us into His light.

Rather than presenting their knowledge in dry, psychological terms, Clinton and Springle have written a book that is easy to understand and that asks poignant questions that really shine a bright light on behavior that is harmful to ourselves and others. They take the reader through a learning process that gives them to tools they need to learn a new and healthier way to interact and love the people God has placed in our lives....

I highly recommend this book! It has been a true God-send in my life, and I will be eternally grateful for the wisdom I have gained by reading this book. Read more ›