Customer Reviews

Breaking Free of the Co-Dependency Trap

5 star:		(10)
4 star:		(0)
3 star:		(2)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(5)

 

 

This book has a lot of hands on tests, techniques etc. Its main message is that you CAN use a codependent relationship to grow out of your co-dependency.

The downside of this message is that if the reader doesn't do the hard work required and risk leaving the relationship, it can be used to justify prolonging a disfunctional relationship.

A co-dependent person feels they desperately need their significant other -- even if that other is abusive or emotionally unavailable. Even though the relationship may be unrewarding or even dangerous, the co-depenent will feel that they can't survive without the other.

The book describes the factors that produce these feelings and paints an attractive picture of life without the desperate need for another person.

With a sound grounding in current psychological thinking, it points out that without resolving the issues that result in this feeling of dependency, the co-dependent is doomed to continue repeating the same pattern with every relationship.

The hopeful message is that one can work out one's "stuck" position using the current co-dependent relationship. The book gives techniques that really work for this. The result is more independence, a more solid sense of integrity or self and a better relationship.

My only concern is that co-dependents in a dangerously violent relationship may not take steps to protect their physical safety during this process -- it is seductive to to co-dependent to hear that they CAN find happiness in their relationship and it isn't always going to work.

I have read through some of Melody Beattie's books, and I was thankful to finally find "Breaking Free"! I'm analytical and like all things practical. Most other books on codependency seemed little more than a diagnosis of the problem; they largely failed to provide practical suggestions for how one can begin a journey to break out of patterns of codependency. (For example, Beattie speaks on a general level and never walks people through ways to grow and change. Her books seem fatalistic with the idea that once an codependent, always a codependent.)

I highly recommend this book because every chapter gives practical ways to work through different layers of the codependency problem. They provide suggestions for individuals, for therapy, for groups, and for couples.

Futhermore, after reading each chapter, I was able to start working through this issue little by little, learning to make small steps towards a healthier existence.

My husband and I are conscious of our need to grow out of patterns of codependency - this made it possible for me to achieve very helpful breakthroughs using the individual and relationship/partner suggestions. I imagine that the therapy and group suggestions are equally helpful for people using these resources.

One Note: The authors have unique personal views that some readers may disagree with. For example, they hold that Codependency is an society-wide problem and non-violence can resolve all of these problems. The author's personal belief and experience led them to the belief that 'breaking free from codependency' is most quickly achieved through a committed relationship where both are open to growing in this area. This may not be the reality for many readers.

Ultimately, the book focuses on practical ideas and it is not necessary to agree entirely with these peripheral ideas. I don't keep most books once I have read them, but this book was so helpful that I consider it a critical "Reference" book to me.

This book redefines the term co-dependency. It is an unfortunate confusion which will cause some readers to find the book objectionable. In reference to another reviewer, if anyone uses this as their only source of resolution in a troubled marriage I think I would have a clue as to why their marriage is troubled. This book predates the Weinholds most complete work, "Conflict Resolution". I have read all of their books, and have studied with them. Their philosophy is not a spiritual vortex of ungrounded ether. It is a solid philosophy that takes into account the convergence of psychology, religion, and physical science. I recommend it only to open minded readers who are willing to stretch their limits. For those who are interested in "real growth" I recommend their book, "Conflict Resolution".

As a physician I have recommended this book to over a hundred patients and have had uniformly positive feedback. Comments such as "I can't thank you enough", "Great book", "It really helped me". Codependency is explained in this book from it's roots and then the reader is taken on a journey to explore it's effect on their lives. Codependency is a very pervasive problem and accounts for generational dysfunction and destruction of family systems. I have read many books on addiction/family issues and this is absolutely the best of them all.

I was interested in this book because of the positive message that you can overcome codependency and its flowing writing style. However, there were some messages in the book I am skeptical of -- the authors say that 95% of us are codependent, which I do not buy. Also, the codependency inventory is frustrating because NO MATTER WHAT your answer, you always turn out codependent or counterdependent. I also think it's strange that the authors delve into passages on codependency and Christianity, but then tell us to be spiritual and connect with God. I felt it was confusing. I did think the book had positive messages to share. I thought the self-esteem inventory was helpful -- it broke down the aspects of self-esteem and told you exactly what areas to work on. I think the authors are moving in the right direction with codependency and I feel like they really care about helping people feel better. I think the self-confidence building and feelings activities really helped me gain some insight into my feelings. I especially enjoyed the activity where you pick apart each aspect of your personality and relate it to a famous person (i.e. my sexy side is like Madonna in Lucky Star, my scrappy side is like Scout from To Kill a Mockingbird) -- I think you should try it, it's fun.

One of the principal challenges of growing up is to become capable of tolerating ambiguity and holding "good" and "bad" in the same container. One will have to do precisely that with this very useful but potentially dangerous, mass-market, self-help book.

From the point of view of many more sophisticated, mental health professionals, the 1980s were both the apogee and nadir of psychophilosophy. Infused as they were by the new wave of cognitivism born of Albert Ellis's, Donald Meichenbaum's and Aaron Beck's work in the '60s and '70s -- and infected as they were by the as yet ill-considered, pure consciousness movement of the same period -- the '80s turned out to open a lot of people's eyes to some great stuff, and then blind them with some very unfortunate junk.

For anyone who wants to understand codependence as an interpersonal and cultural phenomenon induced one generation at a time by hand-me-down rule-binding, family secrets and other forms of manipulative authoritarianism, =Breaking Free...= is probably one of the best books ever (very much including Pia Mellody's, Claudia Black's, Janet Woititz's, Anne Wilson Schaef's and even Alice Miller's terrific work). The various lists of pathological traits and etiologies thereof are unparalleled in any of the dozen or more books I've read. And any book that digs as deeply into Steven Karpman's terrific "drama triangle" as this one does is going to be very edifying.

And for those two items alone, I'd give the book five stars. BUT...

In the simplest terms I can come up with, this is too much Pandora, and too little empirically proven -- and too much risky -- therapeutic method. There are too many "good ideas" here about what to do that were way too common... and way too damaging in the '80s and '90s.

I'm not a newcomer. I've been in the mental reconstruction racket at some level for 33 years, committedly 12-Stepping for 27 years, attending Codependents Anonymous and ACA for 20, and increasingly better educated (by scientists, physicians and clinical psychologists, not therapists or ghost writers) over the past 25. I've also been down in the trenches with the "culturally damaged" for more than 20.

I understand that many professionals had to learn the hard way that many of the "good ideas" not only didn't work but did further damage to people whose trust was initially ruined by self-involved parents and teachers who needed their children and students to make =them= look good rather than the other way around. If, as Erik Erikson asserted 60 years ago, the failure to develop the capacity to trust, as opposed to either dis-trust or mis-trust, is at the root of all further developmental problems, further abuse of trust by well-intentioned but delusional therapists is not going improve matters.

I could pick the suggested treatments apart one-by-one, but I'll just tree-top here:

1) Assertion training as it was done in the '80s and '90s proved to be worse than useless. It led people to believe that insisting that others behave to conform to one's own stated needs was appropriate, functional and actually possible. The fact that A/T violated Julian Rotter's well-proven notions about external and internal locus of control was ignored by too many with letters after their names. A/T is all over this book like a wet blanket; it was, and still is, pointless and counterproductive.

2) The notions of "breath work" and other meditative techniques described here wouldn't get one through more than a day of the sort of anxiety suffered by many severe codependents. For that, please, and I mean =please=, see millennial-era texts on Acceptance & Committment or Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapies by authors like Stephen Hayes, Russ Harris, John Forsyth and Georg Eifert.

3) The "inner child meditation" described on page 174-5 is precisely the sort of ill-considered claptrap that seriously damaged the "reputation" of psychotherapy in the '80s and '90s. The inner child work of that time caused many people who were under-prepared (or not prepared at all) for it to decompensate into severe panic attacks, clinical depression and/or professionally induced post-traumatic stress disorder. No one with his or her head screwed on (and letters after their names) would approach memory work in the Pandora's Box fashion described here without considerable pre-meditation indoctrination and education. To do otherwise is either unconsciously incompetent or consciously sadistic.

THUS... I suggest that anyone reading this try their best to glean the very valuable descriptive information on codependence in this book, including the "drama triangle," but either read the suggested "treatments" with firmly set boundaries or ignore them altogether.

My sense is that the Weinholds had the best of intentions for the time, but were not sufficiently grounded in the broader foundations of the object relations psychophilosophy they appear to use as their organizational bedrock. I see Margaret Mahler, Donald Winnicott and Harry Stack Sullivan here, but I do =not= see Otto Kernberg, William Meissner, Wilfred Bion or Ronald Fairbairn, and that makes me edgy.

RG, Psy.D.

This is hands down the best book on codependency. Most codependency books I researched involved religion which is an oxymoron. This book however explained in clear unbiased ways the causes AND solutions to codependency. If you feel this is in your personality and is affecting your quality of life, I highly recommend this book for valuable insight and workable solutions!

Admittedly I have only read a few chapters of this book so consumers can take this review with a grain of salt because of that. However, from what I have read, I cannot imagine continuing. I am a counselor myself with an MS in Community Counselng and Human Development and I purchased this book with the idea of using some of it for work with clients who are struggling with boundaries. However, I already see that it will not be suitable for this work.

From a human development perspective, what the first chapter states about getting stuck in infancy is outdated and Freudian at best, dangerous at worst. Read by clients who may have little knowledge of attachment and development theory, they may interpret this as being absolute truth and place all kinds of undeserved blame on their parents. As another example, in Chapter 16 about boundaries, suggesting that if someone is 30 pounds overweight they may have repressed memories of sexual abuse as a child seems extremely renegade in terms of psychotherapy. In addition, none of the authors' therapeutic suggestions seem to have any grounding in theory or empirical research.

Quite frankly I wish I could get my money back on this one.
Purchase this book with extreme caution.

The medical profession in general see's co-dependency as a disease that is permanent, progressive and incurable. So you can imagine my delight when I opened this book and read, that this is not so. I am co-dependant and have stumbled through my life not really knowing why I attracted time after time negative and distructive situations within my relationships. This book has given me a glimmer of hope in that I can turn this around. One of the biggest challenges I face is understanding what happened in my life for me to be in the position I am now. This book has given me the answers to my questions and more....it has provided me with a starting point to recovery and to acquire the life skills that will enable me to have the kind of relationships with others that is my divine right.

"Breaking Free of the Co-dependency Trap" can benefit many who have experienced problems within relationships with parents, children, or significant others. It is also a great read for those who may consider going into social work, marriage family therapy, or clinical psychology.