Customer Reviews

Breaking Free From Boomerang Love: Getting Unhooked from Abusive Borderline Relationships

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This is a unique book in that it presents how to become disentangled from a relationship with someone who has borderline personality disorder. Most books are aimed at the person with BPD and not the people on the receiving end of the dysfunctional behavior. I can see where this is very helpful, for many people and the advice is sound.

The basic premise of the book is that someone suffering from BPD is going to keep your life on a roller coaster and that you can't reasonably expect quick results or magical solutions. It puts the burden back on the person in the relationship to determine why they are in it and why they allow themselves to keep being treated poorly in the face of little change or no change.

The parts that were particularly poignant involved articulating the pain of someone who is in love with someone with this disorder. It really paints a clear picture of what it feels like to be in relationship with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder.

The solutions presented are straightforward and practical. The premise is that the loved one of someone with BPD has to look at their own codependent behavior around trying to rescue someone who requires intensive psychotherapy and/or medication. It's a reality that BPD is difficult to treat under the best circumstances and it is just plain unrealistic to expect a loved one with this problem to suddenly get better by themselves or with short-term therapy.

People with BPD can and often are very intelligent and charming. When they are at their best, which could be for a considerable length of time, it is easy to believe they might change. The stage of over-valuation is also very seductive, unfortunately, it eventually swings to devaluation and acting out. A relationship defined by these characteristics is "crazy making" and this author is very clear about the path forward which is something many people need to hear in no uncertain terms. At a minimum, they need to understand what they are dealing with and make an informed choice. This is not something most people involved with a BPD partner do.

While the book has some very good content, I think it could be better organized and the cartoons were more of a distraction for me than an enhancement. They also didn't seem to fit with the serious tone of the book. I also didn't think the book hung together as well as it could with more work around structure.

There aren't a lot of good books out there on this specific topic, but I can imagine a better one. Still, I think it is worth buying and you will benefit from reading it. However, I expect more in terms of writing, organization and presentation. Hopefully, they will clean it up in the next revision or someone will write a better one.

Nonetheless, this book does address the problem and in this sense it is invaluable. If you are in a relationship with someone with borderline disorder, this could be your life preserver.

The most striking part of this book is that it clears the mistaken notion that is prevelent in being involved with a personality disordered person that the underlying problem is you. Borderlines make a person feel so loved, so secure etc., in the begining (high value stage) and then a free-fall into insainity when the person completely morphs into a different personality, whom is cold, super angry, emotionally out of control and totally unreasonable and you find yourself lying emotionally wide-open, flat on your back, wondering what in the hell happened. (de-valuation stage) I have also found that these stages are predictible. In my case, the borderline I was involved with made a complete transformation every 90 days. Education and status are irrelevent with this disorder, my involvement was with a "mental health professional" whom was very adept at hiding the symptoms for BPD. One way of protecting yourself is to really try to know as much as possible about their relationship history. A middle age person, whom is over-adoring and loving, but has a history of failed relationships is displaying a huge RED FLAG, because BPD's cannot maintain long term relationships unless they become involved with a co-dependent, who keeps "hanging in there" hoping for that person to eventually begin to act "normal". This book is an excellent resource for anyone involved in a relationshp with a borderline. This book helps one to see that the only reasonable course of action is to remove yourself from the relationship, if at all possible. Borderlines very rarely improve and if they do, it is usually fleeting and generally they continue to get worse, regardless of medication and therapy. Positive outcomes with BPD is very rare, ask any experienced therapist, or read the DSM mannual. Suffering can be defined as trying to change the unchangeable. A great book for understanding whats really going on and regaining your life and well-being.

In her book Boomerang Love, Ms. Melville shares her insight and experience in surviving the insanity of a Borderline relationship. As I read her book I felt as though I was reading a journal of my chaotic marriage with my BPD wife; except I was reading Ms. Melville's words. Her shared experiences and life lessons served as great validation in gaining an understanding that I was not alone in my experiences with dealing with a loved one with this all consuming disorder. Ms. Melville's book belongs in every therapists office and every Non's book collection, as it provides a rare insight into the life of a person in the difficult position of recovering from the abuse sustained in a Borderline relationship. I would highly recommend this book to all friends and family members of someone diagnosed or suspected to have Borderline Peronality Disorder.

Lynn Melville's heart-centered, yet ever so direct, accounting of her personal journey helped to lift the dark and dreary clouds off of my own relationship with someone suffering from borderline personality disorder. Though my relationship was long ago, the devastation left following the storm had left me numb to life for quite a number of years.

More often than not, when Lynn expressed her "feelings" in Boomerang Love, I remembered that I had once "felt" that way. When she expressed her "thoughts", I realized that I once thought that way also. When she "voiced" her own painful experiences, I again relived my "own" past painful experiences.
Reading Boomerang Love helped me realize that even though my own experiences were now long behind me, they were somehow still a part of me. As I re-felt those old, painful experiences, I began to heal in areas where I never imagined pain was still being held.

Knowing that there was an actual "name to my pain" (borderline personality disorder) was like salve to my wounds, the healing element that had been missing all these years. At last I knew the "whys". Going back and re-living my pain, this time with "new eyes" that understood borderline personality disorder, released those many years of pent-up pain.

Because of my personal faith in a God who heals, I believe that it was He who brought this most valuable information to me through Lynn Melville's book. Not only did I need to understand the nature of my partner's disorder, I needed to be able to recognize my own relationship patterns. Now I know that I will never again participate in this precious life of mine with anyone else who is so personally trouble and damaged that they would try to destroy my very soul.

Breaking Free From Boomerang Love is not only a story of personal pain and healing, but also one that provides other valuable informational resources for anyone who is currently involved in a relationship with someone suffering from borderline personality disorder. The "Resources and Tools" section provides many current books that have been written to educate and empower partners, safety information on how to carefully plan to leave a borderline personality relationship, support groups for partners (online and in person), and many websites devoted to information on borderline personality disorder.

In addition, Ashleigh Brilliant's Pot-Shots clearly illustrate in a straightforward manner what life is like for partners of border personality disordered people. I frequently turn to the Pot-Shots in the back of the book to remind me of the insanity that was once my life - and which I am comforted to now know will never be again.

N. Thompson

After my partner of 2 years voiced his concern out of the blue that I had BPD, I was shocked. Yes, I was on an emotional rollercoaster. I was often depressed one minute, laughing the next, a crying mess alternating with screaming anger. But a borderline personality disorder?

What did I do? I locked myself in my house alone for 4 days and researched. I joined online groups. I talked to people, put my life and personality online to be picked apart by the world. I answered questions, going deeper and deeper. All replies were the same - I don't think you are, but you should look at your partner!

Knowing that I was experiencing mood swings, jealousy, I went to my doctor. Booked into counselling. What for? Because I needed to find the person that I had been 2 years ago. Before I was told by the many affairs - that I wasn't good enough. Before it was reaffirmed each time I was dumped. Back when I had self esteem, and pride.

At that moment I realised that he was the one with a BPD, I knew I just couldn't handle anymore, well not handle it and come out the other end remaining sane, killing myself, or more likely, stabbing him to death. I was on a rollercoaster because one minute this person loved and adored me, the next I would find another affair, he would dump me, then he would realise the error of his ways and come back with a million promises - over and over again.

I was emotional. Confused. Frustrated. I loved this person. I still love that person.

I was a mess because I loved someone that when he was with me, could show me the most earth shattering love I had ever experienced - but as soon as I walked out the door, I no longer existed. I was in love with two people - and as time went on, the real person showed up more and more, hurt me more and more - until I thought I would go crazy. He didn't understand what it was like to sit there and look at the "pity" on the faces of my family and friends, their exasperation as I would give it another shot.

It was always him that walked away. Always him that began the relationship again, stalked and watched me - yet his friends called me a "bunny boiler". He was an expert in lying - over everything. An expert in manipulation. An expert in knowing exactly what to say to me, to bring that love to the surface - time and time again.

During my research and online discussions, someone suggested your book. I ordered it via Amazon - I am in Melbourne Australia and walked the bookshops first to no avail. Your book arrived 2 days ago. I was totally amazed. Although your partner would go off on tantrums - my didn't do that. When caught lying, or guilty he would turn cold and sarcastic - deliberately hurt me. But the rest - my God, was a blue print of him.

I used to think it was romantic that he would question me about my most romantic experiences. Months later, he would replicate them, forgetting of course, that I had ever mentioned them. In arguments - later he would deny that he had said things - as he did regarding my supposed BPD - although he did manage to squeeze it and bipolar into several sentences later.

I wrote him a long letter detailing the things looked for in a BPD - the only one that I could fit was the mood swings - I thought a saint would have my mood swings were they to put up with his array of love-pain! I wrote a BPD will stalk you, often they will keep a small shrine - so as to feel close to you - then I wrote "look to the right, and up. See it?" In his study, on the wall - is a shrine to me. Photos, cards, notes.

Of course he denied it. Even though he has always known that something "wasn't right". He described it as an "inability to love". Will he see someone about it? No. He doesn't have time.

What you said struck a chord with me. No one understands how hurt and upset I am. Yes, I have to walk away. But walking away from something you love is so very hard. You are forced to internalise. Your book has shown me that I can do it! And even more so, I will!

After page 10, I went and found a highlight pen - because there were sentances in there that were an exact replica of what I had said to him a million times. "I feel as though you love me when I'm standing right here, but as soon as I walk out that door - I don't exist!"

I suppose in the end, your words showed me that it doesn't matter how much I love him, how beautiful I am, what I do for him - Only he can heal himself - as for me, the only option I have left is to walk away and heal myself. If he was willing to look in the mirror and attempt healing, I would be there with him - but I will never sacrifice myself and my sanity for something that will never change.

It's not easy. I'm still in the very early stage. So is he. He still has a radar that tells him I may slip away for good - and ups the ante each time! Including the 25 text messages I received last night.

Thanks so much Lynn. Sadly, your book now looks a little worse for wear, very colourful - but well loved!



Carol

This book has been a life-saver for me. After a ten-year relationship with a classic narcissist BPD (which I did'nt know existed at the time), I now know that it was not my fault after all-the rages, the blaming, etc. I have been told that it was me for so long-some little thing I said or failed to do, etc. It is great to know other people have been through this. Lynn seemed to have lived with my boyfriend also! She hit the nail on the head with SUCH kindness and love in her writing. If you are confused and suffering in a relationship, get this book. It has definitely helped me to get free. You will no longer feel alone!

After 2 months of marriage, my new husband was unofficially diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I hung on for 16 more months and have the emotional scars to prove it. No one understands like someone who has been through it. As I read this book, I cried and cried. Ultimately, when I finished it, I felt so much better. I would highly recommend this book to anyone who has felt the pain of loving someone with BPD.

Quite a bitter review by "sdx". So bitter that one might begin to think that sdx has an axe to grind with the author of "Boomerang Love".
This wonderful book gave me the strength to end an abusive 35-year marriage with a Borderline. I particularly liked the author's personal account, because I could relate to it so much more than reading a factual book about the Borderline disorder. I appreciated the art because it added much needed levity while coping with such a heavy topic. It also helped me to see clearly my own behavior and that of my partner, in ways I'd have never perceived with words on a page.
Despite what sdx has to say, those who are well educated on the topics of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder know that the two are often intertwined. That is certainly my experience as well as that of many others.
I read this book with tears running down my face because I finally understood what I had been battling all those years! I knew the name of my pain. Shortly after I read the book, my ex-husband was clinically diagnosed with both NPD and BPD.
While there are other helpful books on this topic that I would recommend, I found no value in the book written by Randi Kreger, so highly valued by sdx.

Even though I no longer live with my disordered husband, I still return to Lynn Melville's "Boomerang Love" as well as her 2nd book, "Reality Checks", for advice, guidance and affirmation.
These books give a person insight and common sense solutions for coping with this dreadful disorder. They enable us to see how we were attracted to a person with a Borderline disorder in the first place. They also prepare us to recognize the signs of BPD, should a disordered person come into our lives once again.

"Boomerang Love" is a beneficial and cautionary tale.

Thanks Lynn
I purchased your book "Boomerang Love" to help me maintain my path away from my Ex Borderline Girlfriend. It was brilliant and I found many of the areas covered very meaningful. I related a hell of a lot. Some of the sketches at the back were also appropriate to what I had experienced. It certainly put a smile on my face as some of my feelings and experiences jumped from the pages - Highly recommended.

Unless you have ever had any loved ones with BPD or are dealing with the long healing journey of BPD yourself you cannot begin to totally understand the relief felt while reading this book. An excellent read with lots of BPD insight. If involved in a relationship where BPD is involved in any manner, you must read this book!

Bill Garrett