Customer Reviews

Breast Cancer Husband: How to Help Your Wife (and Yourself) during Diagnosis, Treatment and Beyond

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If you are reading this, there is a good chance that you are a new (and doubtless unwilling) member of the not-so-elite group of men who have become Breast Cancer Husbands. If so, stop reading this and buy this book. (Full disclosure: I was contacted by Marc Silver, the author, last year and interviewed extensively about my own experiences; I am quoted several times in the book.) I only wish that this book existed two years ago when my wife of 23 years was disgnosed with breast cancer; it is an invaluable resource that informs men in an accurate, succinct fashion exactly what is likely to happen at each stage of the diagnosis and treatment process. But Mr. Silver's arroach to the topic is hardly clinical. He deals with some of the most heart-wrenching topics any man will ever have to face with an eye on reality and a deft touch of humor. Breast cancer and humor in the same sentence? You've got to be kidding, right? Well, he pulls it off, managing to inject a lighter touch without ever minimizing the seriousness of his topic. Personally, I think most people use humor anyway to deal with the toughest situations, and the big "C" was no exception for my wife and I. Whether you are starting this journey, or if you've been through it like Marc and I have, this book is bound to become your most valuable resource, because it is told from the mouths of real Breast Cancer Husbands with real, true-life stories. With literally hundreds of books available for women who are dealing with this horrible disease, a book like this directed at the men simply did not exist. It was long overdue.

I'll chime in from the daughter's point of view: I got this book for my stepfather after reading the reviews, and it did not disappoint. It speaks directly to men and concerns they might not want to talk about (no beating around the bush) but the tone isn't annoying or Neanderthal. After reading it one thinks much of it is common sense-- but sometimes one needs to be reminded of what's common sense! (And maybe what seems like common sense to a 30-something woman may not be the first thing that comes to mind for the average 50 to 80-year-old guy under stress.) Anyway, my stepfather finished it in three days, so that's a good sign. It opened my eyes to some things too.

One tip: Cure rates are very high for early-stage breast cancer these days. Guys, skip the later chapters about "dealing with loss" unless you get to that point. Most women will recover, so no need to freak oneself out at the beginning. As we say in my family, "We'll fall off that bridge when we come to it."

Also recommended for women or for very involved family members: "Just Get Me Through This" (lots of helpful tips) and the two books by John Link (lots of technical info).

This book is wonderful! I bought it for my husband after we recently learned that I have breast cancer for a second time and we are both reading it. It is packed with information but somehow reads like a good novel. I already can tell my husband is being more sensitive to my needs because of Marc's advice. So many things Marc Silver has written that I am so glad my husband will be reading. They are things I want him to know!

My only regret about this book is that I didn't get it sooner. I found this book while my wife was already half-way through treatment, at a breast cancer symposium. (As an aside, very few husbands attended the symposium other than me, a real shame; I felt deep anguish for the many women clearly going through treatment who were there alone and unsupported.) My wife is young, and her diagnosis really hit us from nowhere. I'm someone who is an eternal optimist, and the succession of worsening news about her condition nearly brought me to my knees. When I found this book I believe I was quietly depressed. It was so important to me not to "steal the spotlight" of attention from my wife that I intentionally avoided dealing with my own fears, trauma, and anger. I started reading the book on a long plane ride back home from a business trip, and as I read it I literally felt weight lifted off my shoulders. I cried, and I laughed, and mostly I felt tremendous relief. I have had the opportunity to meet the author at a speaking engagement, and I spoke up and told him that at a moment in my life where I felt all alone and very scared, he was my best friend. If you are a breast cancer husband, you simply must read this book.

Not only informative but even if your husband never reads it, it will open you up to ask for what you need during this stressful time. I wish I had this book at the beginning of my journey through breast cancer.

This isn't just for husbands. Wives should read it to get a husbands perspective. But it did help me relate more to what my husband is going through and how men deal. I started reading it half way through my chemo so I read a lot of what we experienced and some of the ways he responded to certain situations. It was also great to read the personal experiences of different couples who have gone through or are going through breast cancer.

As a health professional and prostate cancer survivor, I felt I could handle all aspects of cancer, but when my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer, I was devastated. I discovered that when a loved one is diagnosed, it's different! Within days of our news, our daughter-in-law sent me Marc Silver's book. I read every word in a very short time, and the difference in my attitude and acceptance of her cancer was dramatic.
Marc explains every aspect from diagnosis through treatment, and suggests many different ways to deal with each situation. He accomplishes this with both seriousness and a touch of humor.
This book was the most helpful resource I had as we traveled through this ordeal. In short, this is a "must read" for men dealing with their wives' breast cancer.

First, a disclaimer. The author and I know each other. Both of our wives were diagnosed with breast cancer in about the same time frame. We were intereviewed for the book. By the time the book came out, my wife had "finsihed" her course of treatment so much of what is in the book I had to learn on my own.

The day after we got the diagnosis, I found myself standing in front of the "disease" section at one of the local book store chains. I didn't know exactly what I was looking for at first. My original purchase of about a half dozen books were either very focused on the medical aspects of the disease or on women's experiences as survivors. While one or two of these books had parts of chapters for husbands, partners or significant others, none gave much information on what to expect and how to help. Ultimately, I sought out a therapist who specialized in helping those who deal with medical crises.

That helped a great deal, but Marc's book offers so much more. He is recounts the experiences of couples from almost every part of society, shares insights from medical experts and relates his own personal experiences. While no substitute for working with a qualified and caring therapist, his book is one of the only resources out there for husbands. Had it been available three years ago, I suspect I could have avoided some of the mistakes I made along the way.

While it is true that the learning curve is pretty steep, the first few weeks are crucial. No husband should leave the first appointment with the surgeon or oncologist without a copy of this book.

Great book. Very helpful for this husband of a breast cancer patient. I agree with the other reviewer in that you might want to skip the sections on metastasis and recurrence unless you really need to read them. I think so highly of this book that I donated two copies to a local cancer center's library. God Bless you all in your time of difficulty.

Silver's book is a helpful journalistic guidebook for spouses and partners of breast cancer victims; Part I is made up of 8 chapters and Part 2, 13 chapters. In the forward, Dr. Frederick P. Smith writes, "the support of a spouse can make a significant difference to the patient."

There is one chapter for those of us whose partners didn't make it: "Facing Death", but since I cannot bring back my wife I do "breast cancer work."

I use breast cancer stamps on my letters. I support breast cancer fundraisers. I advise my women friends to do self-exams and get mammograms. I mention to my students that they need to pay attention to their health. I make the point that early detection is crucial.

What does any of this accomplish? It's hard to tell.

I cannot go back to that initial incorrect diagnosis and tell the doctor "That might be cancer. We need detailed tests right away." At the time I should have been more suspicious, but we seemed young and healthy with two young sons.

Reading Silver's book will not prevent what happened to my family, but it certainly contains some useful advice for the spouses of survivors.