Introduction The world is filled with books that help women deal with the changes they undergo during pregnancy. Often these books deign to include a sidebar or two about the man, but for the most part he is immediately relegated to the status of his wife's personal assistant. To be sure, any man in a relationship should be used to "drone" status, but somehow pregnancy makes it seem more definitive.
Worse than that, the father-to-be has no guidebook that tells him what to expect. His wife's books tell her she should be eating folic acid, but what should he be eating? She knows that she should take a light walk every day, but should he walk, too? Or is walking a pansy-ass exercise no matter how you slice it? A young father may feel helpless, or even guilty (especially if he still finds himself looking at pictures of lovely, young Swedish au pairs).
This book is designed with you, the father, specifically in mind. It follows the course of the pregnancy and gives you step-by-step advice about what will be happening to you before, during, and after your wife's pregnancy. And stop looking at that au pair! What's wrong with you! You're going to be a father, for crying out loud!
You make me sick.
Text copyright © 2002 by Mason Brown
Chapter One: On Deciding to Become a Father
Unlike marriage, fatherhood is not something to be entered into lightly or unadvisedly. You must understand the full range of responsibilities and duties it entails. Having a baby is a full-time job. You've got to feed it, clothe it, shelter it. I mean, man, that's a lot of hassle.
So before you embark on fatherhood, make a list of reasons why you want to have a child. Compare your reasons with the following list:
GOOD REASONS TO BECOME A DAD - You and your wife have discussed having a family, and the time just seems "right."
- You love the idea of fatherhood, with all the joys and responsibilities it entails.
- You want to teach, love, and nurture a precious, tiny human.
BAD REASONS TO BECOME A DAD
- You hated your dad, and you want to take it out on someone.
- Just to see if your boys can swim.
- To win a bet.
- You think it will make you look more mature.
- Everybody else is doing it.
Still think you're ready? Many high schools require their sex-ed students to care for a plastic doll for two weeks in order to help illustrate the full-time nature of parenting. Why don't you try it? If your "test" baby looks like this, then maybe you should hold off on having children -- at least for a little while.
If, however, you passed the baby doll test (or, more likely, figured, "Who the hell has time to drag around a stupid plastic doll?" and decided not to bother), you might still want to test your "Fatherhood Aptitude" by taking the following test.
Use a number 2 pencil. 30 minutes
The Fatherhood Aptitude Test
Multiple Choice
1. The best way to calm a crying baby is to:
a. hand him off to mommy. b. gently rock him up and down.
c. slap him silly.
2. An appropriate baby-sitter is:
a. one of our relatives. b. a trusted teenage daughter of a friendly neighbor.
c. an English au pair.
3. Which of the following is an acceptable toy for a baby?
a. A large doll with plastic crinkle-paper stuffing. b. A large, hard, plastic teething ring.
c. A large, plastic dry-cleaning bag.
4. Which of the following best describes your reasons for wanting to become a father?
a. I love kids. b. I feel the time is right to have a family.
c. I enjoy playing with my Tamogotchi hatch-an-egg video game.
5. Why do you think you'd make a good father?
a. I'm so hopelessly, deliriously in love with my wife, that my happiness can't help but rub off on our child. b. I look forward to imparting all of my skills to a future generation.
c. I just finished reading Earl Woods' book Training a Tiger. I'm ready to get started immediately.
6. Your wife wants to start trying to have a baby. She's charted her temperature, and knows that she's been ovulating on a twenty-nine-day cycle. If today is March 10, and her temperature last peaked five days ago, when is the best time to try to conceive?
a. April 4. b. April 5.
c. Right now. Continue trying until my Viagra runs out.
7. Baby : Beer ::
a. Square Pegs : Round Holes b. Checks : Stripes
c. Who the hell let the baby near my beer? That's my beer, dammit!
8. You hope that your first child is:
a. a Girl. b. a Boy.
c. other.
9. The young father picked up his newborn baby with ______ in his eyes and gently _______.
a. love...sang a lullaby. b. joy...Cooed nonsense syllables.
c. horror...dropped it.
10. By the end of its second month, a baby should be able to:
a. smile. b. respond to a bell in some way, such as startling, crying, or quieting.
c. read.
11. goo goo : ga ga ::
a. boo boo : ba ba b. Milli : Vanilli
c. Shut : Up
12. Four babies are getting weighed in the maternity ward. Your baby, R, weighs more than V. T weighs less than R. S weighs more than V but less than T. Which of the following is the correct lineup of babies from smallest to biggest?
a. V, S, T, R. b. Cannot be determined from the information given.
c. Which one is mine, again?
True or False?
1. Babies can eat Doritos.
T F
2. Babies can be left unattended if you are pretty darn sure you will return by the end of the hour.
T F
3. Babies can't scream very loudly since they just have tiny, little baby lungs.
T F
4. Once you have a baby, you will have more free time since there will be extra hands around the house.
T F
5. Baby fat insulates babies from all but the coldest arctic conditions.
T F
6. You will still be able to golf on weekends after the baby is born.
T F
7. Most pregnant women look like Hunter Tylo.
T F
8. I plan on videotaping the birth and then showing it to friends.
T F
9. I was born a rambling man.
T F
10. Someday, I would like to appear on the Jerry Springer Show.
T F
11. Lamaze breathing techniques could also be useful when I'm on the can.
T F
12. Whenever you mention that you'd like to have a large family of, say, five kids, your wife anxiously eyes the bathtub.
T F
Short Essay:
What does commitment mean to you?
Stop!!
If you have finished before the time allotted, you may go over any questions in this section. Then place your answer sheet facedown in front of you with your pencil on top. Do not go on to any additional sections. Do not run screaming out the door to a seedy singles bar for casual, anonymous sexual encounters.
Scoring
If you answered any of the questions, you pass. And if by some miracle of nature you actually tried to write an essay, then you've got definite fatherhood potential (unless you wrote "all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy" over and over again, in which case don't go on any vacations in the north woods with your family).
Note: If you answered "c" to any of the multiple choice questions, or "True" to any of the True/False questions, then beware! You are a moron. Of course, that alone does not disqualify you from fatherhood in any way.
Text copyright © 2002 by Mason Brown
Chapter Two: Trying to Get Pregnant
Getting pregnant doesn't just happen. You have to work at it (unless you're dating an unwed teen, in which case pregnancy can occur via contact with a doorknob).
Amazingly enough, science has proved beyond doubt that the odds of conception are inversely proportional to the desirability of conception. A simple graph renders this concept easy to grasp.
This immutable law of nature results in a curious corollary -- the more financially successful a couple is, the more likely they are "trying" to have a baby. "Trying to have a baby" is a euphemism for "rogering like feral weasels," which is in turn a euphemism for "having sex often."
Some couples proudly announce that they are trying to have a baby without realizing that they are presenting an unsavory visual picture to their audience, who immediately conjure up the image of the naked wife doing a headstand while her husband cheers his mighty swimmers onward. More often than not, this visual image is uncannily accurate.
Still others try to conceal their efforts, feeling that failure to conceive reflects badly on themselves. Unfortunately for these shy souls, it is all too easy to tell when a couple is really making an effort. In such cases, one or more of the following symptoms will appear:
FOR THE MAN - Drowsiness
- Irritability
- Heightened desire to watch SportsCenter
FOR THE WOMAN
- Normal post-coital glow replaced by grim attitude of soldier in the trenches
- Constant concern over husband's choice of briefs rather than boxers
- Neck strain from standing on her head after sex
Obviously, if a couple would really, truly make good parents, then all efforts to conceive are rendered futile. Nature abhors functional families. So, if you really want your wife to get pregnant, forget fertility clinics -- institute divorce proceedings. Just remember to have one last drunken, abusive fling before separating. You'll be a daddy in no time.
Improving Your Chances of Conception
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