Customer Reviews

The Broken American Male: and How to Fix Him

5 star:		(7)
4 star:		(2)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(3)
1 star:		(1)

 

 

The only male role models many American men have these days are people on TV. Imagine if we all lived like most of the greedy philanderers we see on TV! What kind of a culture would this be? What would happen to the American family? If you have kids, I doubt that's the kind of society you would want them to grow up in or the people you want them to become!

A lot of men feel like failures because they don't have a new girlfriend, car, boat, house, etc. every so often. Men like me who are committed to their family aren't living the "cool" life as seen in the movies and on TV (though the celebrities aren't either, and that's why so many of them are addicted to drugs and/or alcohol). And so sometimes a man asks himself, why do I make this sacrifice? I'm getting old, my hair is falling out, my belly is getting bigger (not that we can't help that), and I'm barely caught up on my bills! It takes a book like this to make a man realize he's acting like a wimp.

I personally understand the pressure in our society. TVs are everywhere! They tell you that you don't have enough and are not good enough. Bimbo male celebrities have become the role models! Our nation's leaders aren't doing a very good job of being role models and neither are many religious leaders. Many of them are getting in trouble for having affairs and stealing money. We have TVs now in the break room at my work, in the gym, and I get to see tons of advertisements on billboards on my drive to and from work. It's hard to just shut the media off and start living once again. But if you want to be a good father, husband, and not spend the rest of your life in vain pursuits and depression, it's something you'll have to do. Read this book and pass on the advice to your children.

And yes, Rabbi Shmuley is religious and his ideas are old school in many ways. Yes, he does believe the feminine is greater than the masculine. If those things offend you, this book won't help you much.

Rabbi Shmuley's tone may seem a bit harsh in this book, but it's written for men. His assumption is that male readers probably won't break down and cry because he's being so mean.

This book is good for both Jew and non-Jew alike. Though I felt it should have been shorter, I liked it enough to give it 5 stars.

After catching a few episodes of his TV show, I felt like Boteach "got it" in the way that Dr. Drew and occasionally Dr. Phil got it. He has the ability to cut to the core of the issue, understand when people are acting unhealthily and are unafraid to point fingers. The book confirmed my initial impression. Boteach is definitely onto something about male culture. His analogy of women and eating disorders and then men and workaholicism is apt. They are both a result of a tendency to apply internal identity to external factors. A woman feels she is as worthy as her beauty and a man as special as his wealth. No question, modern culture perverts many natural urges to unhealthy access--and we often examine how that effects women but rarely do the same for men. His book finally does this.

If there is any criticism to be leveled at this it is the mass of generalizations, feel-good assertions, and unsupported idealism. Look, men's behavior is not totally a result of culture. The traits he derides in the book existed long before man had developed to ability to speak, let alone build office buildings. To think that it could all go away with a few parenting changes is ridiculous. And as always, religion (namely the bible) is a poor place to found any theory. Being that he is a Rabbi, he rests heavily on scripture and the notion of "G-d." In this instance, I think he could have made an equally persuasive case without it. He didn't and the book suffers. I would recommend a few ev psych books to balance Boteach's words with some science such as Sperm Wars, The Evolution of Desire or even The Moral Animal.

Regardless, if you're a young person, you should read this before you go the way of your parents generation. And if you're older, maybe it's not too late to turn it around.

There's a lot of truth to what Shmuley is saying here, but his explanations and suggestions on "how to fix" men are questionable. His basic thesis is spot-on, where he goes wrong is with his support. Some of the chapters are wishy-washy and could be cut out entirely. At times, the text focuses too much on religion and spirituality, ignoring other aspects of the problem and solution. That being said, this book is still very important. After years of feminism dominating American culture, books like this and Palahniuk's "Fight Club" are starting to discuss a different problem: countless men who are unhappy, restless, and lost. Shmuley's book does a great job describing the problem and part of the solution, hopefully we continue to see more books addressing this subject.

Rabbi Boteach combines the comforting power of a traditional father with the feminine, transformative energy the men of the world so desperately need and crave. I can tell you the book has been a lifeline for me personally, as I've been struggling in this culture consistently with 'soulless capitalism' and the pressure to always be moving, succeeding, working, etc. Being written by an orthodox rabbi, the book was a pleasant relief from new age self-help type literature, in that it came from a traditional, value-driven approach, even if the results were similar.

This fascinating book rang true most of time. There were lots of "aha- so that's why they act like that" moments. I do think that the book is incomplete. He spends most of his time discussing men who measure their success or self-worth based on money. Perhaps this is because he lives in New York and, by his own admission, knows many people who work in Wallstreet. Most of the performance-driven men I know are not measuring themselves by money, but by accomplishments, recognition, and the geek-cool-factor. He does not touch on how performance-driven self worth has been passed on to women. (If Daddy pays more attention to money or accomplishments than to "feminine" persuits, darling daughter is going to focus on money or accomplishments). While that is arguably outside the scope of this book, he does spend considerable time discussing the effects of a performance-driven man on his family.
He also doesn't touch on the arrested development that seems to afflict some men. This would be the 40-year-old that still lives at home and spends his time watching movies and playing video games. Or the man in his mid-30s that does just enough enough work to keep him supplied with ramen noodles and a season pass at the ski resort. I would dearly like to know what is going on in their brains. That said, I loved the book, and am passing it around to friends and family.

This is a must read. Helps me remember what is really important, who really matters, and what do to about it.

Absolutely eye-opening and inspired writing. This book is a relatively easy read, though I'm going slowly to let each bit of it sink in. With society being so fast-paced and out of control, I really want to raise a son who is able to pull himself out of the "stream" and be his own man - a man of integrity and joy. I also bought this book for my daughter who will one day possibly be choosing a suitable husband. I want her to have happiness and joy in her marriage and that starts with knowing what a real "man" is. This book defines that.

This is the first book I have read by Shmuley (after seeing him on a talk show) and he isn't as impressive on paper as he is on TV. On a talk show he gives quick, glib answers in sound bites. In book form, he gives the same glib responses over and over to an issue--and pads it to 300 pages. If you are looking for answers and helpful direction, you won't get it here beyond his quick pronouncements that are practically yelled at you over and over again.

This is a book with a fairly simplistic view of men and women--the rabbi basically says all men hate themselves because they don't feel successful and all women hate themselves because they aren't beautiful. But he never really delves into the reasons why or gets beyond his surface arguments.

The book spends almost the first half whacking men over the head for feeling bad about themselves. He does make a couple good points and has kernels of truth there--but he strays when he claims that women are actually more sexually voracious and that all men want is money. He misses the point that it's women who often seem addicted to material things and the men in their lives try to become more successful to please the women, and that women often feel bad about their appearance because there are trying to meet the physical desires of their men.

He also claims that men need women but women don't need men. "A wife for a man is a necessity." He claims this is based on Judaism. But it not only sounds sexist but counter-intuitive. There are millions of men living on their own and working alone, but you would have a difficult time finding many women who feel comfortable with living and working independently of others. Often his theories come from a dependence upon religious teachings that are thousands of years old instead of looking at life as it really is.

When he says all men should be married, he tries to claim that it's not only possible that Jesus was married, but that "it would have been completely against his (Jewish) religion not to marry!" He insults Christians and even some Jews, and should stay away from doctrinal discussions, even about his own faith.

He shamelessly name drops throughout the book, the worst being him talking about his two years counseling Michael Jackson (who would brag about that?). Then he dares to take on Donald Trump, even devoting a separate chapter to claiming that Trump is the poster boy for the broken American male. In every case when he brings up a celebrity or case in the news, he only makes cursory comments and never really goes in depth to uncover what is really going on in the lives of people.

It's also a little difficult to swallow that he struggles with not feeling successful. He tells us he makes hundreds of thousands of dollars a year, he talks about his awards and his listing as #9 on the list of rabbi's in America--but he claims to compare himself to others and feel inadequate. If that's the case, why is he writing this book?

So he works best when giving glib sound-bite advice on TV shows. But the subject of the book deserves so much more depth and thoughtfulness.

I skimmed the first half of this book and various chapters in the second half. I wasn't impressed by Boteach's frequent use of the label "pathetic" for men who don't live as he does. However, the main reason I give it only two stars is that he missed the most serious problem men face today: the grim realities of marriage. A far better analysis of what is breaking the American male today is a beautifully written and well researched piece written by another Jewish gentleman, Marty Nemko. Nemko's essay and sobering numbers should be mandatory reading for every high school student, male or female:

http://www.martynemko.com/articles/men-as-beasts-burden_id1228

He really hits the nail on the head, once more! A great read for any adult wanting to learn more about themselves and others!