47 of 52 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
A Book that Invites Compassions to Trusting Relationships, March 23, 2005
This review is from: Broken Promises, Mended Hearts : Maintaining Trust in Love Relationships (Paperback)
The reason I picked up this book in Amazon is I started a relationship with someone I could not trust. Unlike the pop entertaining self-help books you find nowadays in the bookstores, this book has a very compassionate writing style to help one learning how and why they could not find trust in their relationships. This book covers various topics about why trust is being breached:
1. Everyday behaviors that small promises are broken (never call when they say they will call, canceling a birthday dinner, etc)
2. Jealousy games (flirting with others, commenting your attractions to others/others' attractions towards you, etc)
3. Childhood and Family Experience
4. Some of the roots of the infidelity/affairs that lead to the break of trust
5. The lack of communication (especially communicating their most inner thoughts/feelings)
This book also talks about realistic expectations of seeking couple/marriage counseling as well as many helpful tools/techniques to build/re-build a trusting relationship with your partner (it gets worse before it gets better). Dr. Block states that trust is being breached when reliability and consistency of one's behavior is not developed. When couples were hurt by each other's past behavior, the most important thing for one to do is to heal the pain and Dr. Block provides specific steps in how to do so (e.g. sticking with the issues than trying to open the old wounds, express how you feel rather than becoming defensive, etc).
In my opinion, people sometimes have reasons to be distrustful. When your partner has demonstrated ambivalent behavior consistently and when there has been numerous warning signs (such as the partner saves the love letters from their secret lovers, comes home very late every day, etc), one has a right to become distrustful. When one feels the other has been playing numerous manipulation/jealousy games just to get what he/she wants (where it could be money, sex, power, control, status, etc), one just has the right not to continue to trust. One has a right to question when their partner has been consistently running games. If one has vowed to commit to another, seeing one person exclusively, their behavior/actions need to be consistent with the vows. Only when the both of the partners are willing to work towards staying together and loving each other in mending/creating/re-building trust relationship, broken promises ultimately lead to emotional withdrawal and parting at the end.
I used to hear people say, "I immediately/automatically trust someone I just met unless he/she has demonstrated a specific/concrete evidence not to trust." I used to question what was wrong with me about not able to trust others in the first meeting. I finally come to conclude that I disagree with the statement where one should be able to trust another in the first glance. Of course, it is not right to paint a pre-judgment/inaccurate picture on someone with little/no evidence (which could be wrong perceptions). One always has the right to withhold trust till a point you feel they are reliable and predictable in many aspects. Trust is different from being in control. Trust is when you are comfortable your partner's behavior would not hurt your feelings. You do not need to control in order to feel the love from your partner. Trust also takes time to build, sometimes years to build. It needs to be earned and your partner needs to be able to go through the peaks and valleys with you (and vice versa). When we become naïve to trust in first glance, we subject ourselves to be vulnerable where our heart/bank account will be hurt by people who are manipulators (of course manipulators would not admit they're running games). Trust can also be broken by only just one act (e.g. having an affair). One's actions/behavior, not one's words demonstrate whether he/she is trustworthy. The actions/behaviors need to be consistent throughout the course of time. This is how one can build the credibility for others to trust. Of course actions/behaviors need to be accompanied with open expression of feelings/emotions.
Last, but not the least, one needs to realize when trust is breached, it is time to take very good care of yourself and to heal the pain. You are not responsible for your partner's misbehavior. However, it is important not to act out of anger and vengeful thoughts (such as saying demeaning words, payback, etc). Feel the pain, the hurt, the anger and the rage as it comes. Write down all your thoughts even if it requires you to write the curse words down. Talk to your therapist if you have one. Turn yourself to your support group (family, friends where you know they love you and treat you well). Sometimes, men and women's group will also work well in validating your pain and hurt. It is ok to cry and it is ok to seek help. The most important thing is to heal after the broken promises. If your partner demonstrates remorse, he/she will turn to you consistently and seek for your understanding/empathy. He/she will work on his/her issues very hard to demonstrate they are willing to change for the sake of the better. They would admit/accept their misbehavior than justifying. Most important of all, every one of us in this world is entitled to happiness. We are responsible for our own lives, not our partners' lives.
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14 of 15 people found the following review helpful:
3.0 out of 5 stars
A Hard Call, October 22, 2008
This review is from: Broken Promises, Mended Hearts : Maintaining Trust in Love Relationships (Paperback)
This was a hard call for me. There were many aspects of the book I really appreciated---and, overall, I found the book very helpful. Why not a five-star rating, you may ask? I cannot conscience the advice of the writer to keep infidelity a secret. He actually advises people who have been unfaithful, but have a partner who "does not know" about their infidelity, to keep it a secret (they should discuss this with a therapist, not their partner, he advises). In doing this, he ignores the fact that he also says lies and the failure to disclose information (even seemingly unimportant information---and certainly, in a relationship, an affair is pretty important information) are the foundations of betrayal and result in a breakdown of trust (and, thereby a breakdown in the relationship), and this is a significant premise in his work!
"Secret keeping involves self-deception because we focus on its protective functions rather than its limiting aspects. Indeed, keeping secrets is especially problematic in love relationships..." - Joel Block, Naked Intimacy, pg 99.
This gross inconsistency aside, he fails to note that, as Stanley Greenspan has pointed out, there are no secrets in families. To say the "blissfully" ignorant partner doesn't know, besides being naive, betrays a lack of insight and sensitivity to nuance, and nonverbal comprehension.
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8 of 8 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
BRILLIANT WORK!, June 27, 2003
This review is from: Broken Promises, Mended Hearts : Maintaining Trust in Love Relationships (Paperback)
BROKEN PROMISES, MENDED HEARTS, provides answers to many questions concerning trust issues in love relationships. Dr. Block remains consistent in his ability to write with the reader in mind, and his compassionate approach to writing makes this book particularly helpful with such a delicate subject as dealing with one's "heart". He covers many topics such as: everyday events that break down trust, playing jealousy games, to the struggle with vulnerability. Through the use of questionnaires, Dr. Block encourages the reader to take an active approach to learning about their own relationship struggles. He ultimately helps the reader understand the mechanics behind their issues with a sensitive yet direct technique. GRAND APPLAUSE FOR DR. BLOCK!
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