Customer Reviews

Building a Parenting Agreement That Works: How to Put Your Kids First When Your Marriage Doesn't Last

5 star:		(10)
4 star:		(4)
3 star:		(2)
2 star:		(2)
1 star:		(1)

 

 

As a mediator, I've spent a lot of time helping divorcing parents work out a fair and realistic paranting plan or custody agreement that works for them and their children. The plan needs to protect the best interests of the children, and it is the parents who know the children best. Absent any abuse, it really is the parents, not the court or other experts, who need to work together to create a parenting plan that will work for everyone involved. That is where this book comes in. "Building a Parenting Agreement That Works: Child Custody Agreements Step by Step" by Mimi Lyster Zemmelman contains practical solutions and sample language to assist divorcing parents overcome obstacles and build win-win custody agreements that allow everyone, parents and children, to live in their new arrangement.

Obviously, I believe a mediator is greatly beneficial when disputing parties are trying to reach agreement, but for many, using a text such as Zemmelman's "Building a Parenting Agreement That Works" will assist them with successfully navigating these difficult waters in a stressful time. The book does a very good job of covering all the important ingredients of a successful parenting agreement. And I should point out that a successful parenting agreement is one that works for the people involved. You don't want to use a cookie cutter plan for everyone, but rather design the plan that works for the people and situations involved.

After a short introduction that explains the book, part one focuses on getting started and covers topics such as taking stock of your situation, an introduction to parenting agreements, getting organized, and advice on how to negotiate a parenting agreement.

Part two of the book focuses on the actual Parenting Agreement. It has chapters on building your agreement, basic elements, more parenting issues, serious situations, and special challenges. Not everyone will need all of the components here, but it is great to have so much included for those that do. Again, you need to use the portions of the book that fit your own situation.

Part three of the book has chapters that go beyond the parenting agreement. Chapter topics include: child support, alimony, jointly owned property, making mediation and arbitration work for you, making changes, understanding your children's needs, multiracial, multicultural, and international families, nontraditional families, state and federal laws affecting child custody, and help beyond the book. The appendix contains some worksheets and a fill in the blank Parenting Agreement.

Because laws change all the time, it is prudent to check with an attorney or your local courts to ensure any laws the book shares are accurate for your jurisdiction. It is also advisable to seek guidance from an attorney if you have any questions regarding your divorce. I also liked the chapter on mediation, because if you are having difficulty in building a parenting agreement, the assistance of a mediator can be extremely beneficial. This is especially true for parties that are having difficulties communicating with each other.

For divorcing parents, this book has a lot of very good information. Nolo books do a very good job of making legal issues accessible to everyone. However, as an attorney and mediator, I also found this book very valuable for my practice. The information provided in this book will help me help others. I recommend it highly to any divorcing parents and to all mediators and attorneys who assist divorcing parents.

Reviewed by Alain Burrese, J.D., is a mediator and the author of a regular column on negotiation for The Montana Lawyer.

I used a website that provided examples of things to think about in a custody dispute for men and women and downloaded a book from their site and in addition used this book to help build a parenting agreement that was quickly accepted by my former spouse and I during a contested divorce. My attorney and counselor were both impressed by the details included in the plan. My attorney indicated I had helped save hundreds of dollars just in writing the draft and saved thousands by being able to present it to both sides during a settlement conference. The details included in our plan will help us to avoid going back to court because we have everything spelled out. The author provides lists for ideas and suggestions which we found very helpful. Both sides were happy with the outcomes.

As a self-help book on settling separate parenting issues, this book is oddly structured. There is a lot of repetition of material, particularly in the early chapters. In some regards the book benefits from being read end-to-end, but it actively encourages jumping around and not necessarily reading everything. There are fairly useful worksheets to help guide discussions about potentially tense decision points, though a few of the topics are decidedly odd (teen marriage?). There is no mention of how to approach a co-parent who may not even be willing to fill out worksheets, and while there are a few suggestions of alternate plans that parents might consider as compromise, I honestly felt that there could have been more creativity exhibited and encouraged in the suggestions. There are a lot of mentions that folks facing situations involving domestic violence or substance abuse issues should consult professional help, but aside from mentioning it repeatedly, there's not a lot of advice on the topic. A whole separate book could be dedicated to just that aspect of things, but it gets fairly glossed over here. Most of the examples and discussion center around parents who both want to be involved, who live in relatively close proximity, and who have older children, so the book does not particularly address a lot of ideas on how to work with situations involving very young children or parents who are far removed from one another. Aside from those limitations, however, it could be a very good workbook for many people trying to build a cooperative plan for raising their child(ren). The chapter on mediation, in particular, was useful for explaining how one might go about obtaining mediation and what to expect; the author is also a mediator, so that makes sense. I would definitely recommend it as one book in a collection of resources when trying to build a parenting agreement, but it should be supplemented with other sources that may apply to specific aspects of any particular family's issues.

This, like all Nolo guides, is well-written, well-orgnanized, and straight forward. I was very surprised by the level of detail it provides. It addresses a broad variety of topics, things that you probably wouldn't think of if you tried to do this on your own or by using your state's custody and support standard guidance.

The limitation with this is book stems from the fact that most parents who need to craft a workable parenting agreement that works aren't getting along too well when the issue arises. Generally parenting agreements come into play during divorces and breakups, when emotions run rampant and anger trumps rational thought. If parents can approach the task in a reasonable, rational, non-adversarial manner and work together, they should be able to come up with an agreement that best serves the child and is workable for both parents. Even if parents aren't able to reach agreement, this book identifies all the topics that should be considered before going into a mediation or seeking outside legal help -- it provides the information parents will need to do their homework before paying for services of a third party. The authors acknowledge the conflict that often arises during negoation of parenting agreements, and offer a number of negotiation tips. There's a lot of emotional hand-holding, particularly in the first part of the book.

I doubt that most parents will know how to answer all of the questions presented herein -- questions about future relocation, education, finances, holidays years down the road -- but the questions do provide plenty of food for thought.

This guide is useful for separating parents -- I also think it would be particularly useful for unmarried parents, or parents who don't live together, who want to ensure that their child is well-protected in the future. Parents could work through a number of the issues addressed herein in advance, addressing the concerns of both parents and the child while the parents are in a cordial, respectful relationship -- just in case.

I couldn't figure out how Mrs. Lyster wanted me to answer most of the questions. We can't even talk about what is going on today. How are supposed to talk about how things are going to be months and years in the future? They thought I was just asking stupid questions to make trouble. I am just going to let things cool down before I try something else

This book goes farther than some other books into the issues of unmarried parents. I felt like the author really understood what I was going through. But, it doesn't go far enough into dealing with the barriers that can stop the process. The worksheet in Chapter 3 did help, and I did like The Second Year and Beyond paragraphs the best. I didn't feel like the book met the promise of how to work things out with the other side. My kid's dad is too mad to work with me or anyone else. This book did not help with that.

As a therapist I often see parents battle their personal feelings about each other in the court room. DON"T DO IT! It's traumatizing to the child. This book helps you work out those feelings (sample letter template included) and show you how to approach the other parent in a respectful manner to discuss parenting. I really loved how it showed examples of holiday schedules. How do you divide school breaks? Summer vacations? Important religious holidays? All of it is included. I think this book is well worth it and I keep one in my practice as I have used it often.

This is a valuable resource for separating parents, attorneys and mediators. Like most NOLO publications, this book is aimed at the non-legal professional. The text speaks to parents and is refers to "you" and "the other parent." I am a qualified neutral (I.e. mediator) for family law matters so I was interested in how this book approached the negotiation of a parenting agreement. It isn't perfect but has a lot of practical value.

Part I, the first 50+ pages of the book are an introduction and "Getting Started" section that looks that the person's situation, summarizes the parenting agreement concept and sets out what someone needs to get organized to start the process. Included in this section are worksheets for the parents to describe the child(ren) and the parent's relationship to the child(ren), add detailed background information for the parenting agreement to cover, and a checklist of some specific issues.

Part II, approximately half the book, goes into the details of the content of a parenting agreement. There are 43 separate issues, ranging from foundational elements such as where the children will live and when the parents will see them, to future concerns like driving, minors enlisting in military service or underage marriage, with a wide variety of issues in between.

For each issue there is a short explanation of the issue and different ways to handle it, cross references to specific questions in the "Getting Started" worksheets, and the sample language provisions for that issue. A couple could work their way through this part of the book issue by issue and have the framework for a fairly workable parenting agreement. There is a blank form parenting agreement at the endof the book that includes all the sample language from this part that people could fill in and have a complete, though inelegant, agreement.

Part III has additional material on issues outside the parenting agreement itself, such as child support, alimony and property issues, mediation and arbitration, making changes to a parenting agreement, understanding the child(ren)'s needs, special considerations for multicultural, international, or nontraditional families, state and federal laws affecting child custody, and additional resources a parent may need.

The parenting agreement form in this book is good, but not perfect. Some of the flaws come from it being a "check the box" kind of form. The section that contains the agreement for where the children will live and visitation (parenting time in my state) schedule doesn't have enough space to write it with much specificity. There are small blanks but the instructions say to gives days and times if possible. And the issue section on the parents' new partners doesn't cover some areas of conflict such as when a parent can bring a new romantic interest into the child's life or have that person sleep overnight when the child is in the home. But the book does give parents many things to consider for a parenting agreement and that is valuable, even if they ultimately go to a mediator or an attorneys to complete the negotiations.

Cosmetically, it would be better if the book came with a CD-ROM with the form of agreement, or a link to the form on a NOLO website, so parents could delete all the possible options they didn't choose so the other options wouldn't clutter up the form.

This book was right up my alley, appearing at a time that was pretty much insanely appropriate. My ex and I were trying very hard to reach common ground concerning our 5-year-old and custody, and we weren't having a lot of luck doing it on our own.

I really liked what I read so far. Sadly, my ex decided to get sneaky, so I didn't get to implement many of the suggestions. We went from 50/50 custody to both of us fighting (yes, fighting) for primary.

Hopefully, I'll get a chance to use some of the info I found here. I'm not giving up.

Having worked for nearly 40 years with kids and parents, I have reviewed (and used pieces of) a good many guides such as this. NOLO, famous for it's "do it yourself" books on a wide variety of legal issues, has again done a very nice job of presenting the basics in easily understiood form. The issues discuussed are all relevent and, so far as I can determine, clinically sound. Avoiding litigation wherever possible, for example, is good advice!
There is, however, a big Catch-22 that looms behind the usability of this, or any other, guide.
To many parents who are separated and/or divorcing and for whom the custody arrangements for the child(ren) is important, are frequently so angry.... sad .... frustrated with the other parent as well as with thmselves, that sensible, logical and seemingly helpful outlines and systematic thought do not seem to help much. Too often, the language of "in the best interests of the child" is bandied about and is certainly PC - However, when parents are hurt or enraged, their feelings are apt to assume priority over what may truly be in the best interests of their child. Custody issues become both a cause for and an actual field of competition.
This book will not replace the need for mediation where there is clear disagreement between the parents. However, particularly in agreed-upon 'no fault' endings to an adult relationship, this book can be helpful in terms or organizing and sequencing the things that need to be taken into account in coming up with a reasonable Parenting Agreement - One that both parents can live with and one that is, at the same time, truly in the best interests of the child.