Bullies to Buddies: How to Turn Your Enemies Into Friends [Paperback]

Izzy Kalman (Author), Internal illustrations: Lola Kalman (Illustrator), Cover design: Dunn+Associates (Illustrator), dunn-design.com (Illustrator), Front cover illustration: Steve Ferchaud (Illustrator)

Book Description

Age Level: 11 and up | Grade Level: 6 and up

"The attitude, "You have no right to say that," fuels almost all social conflicts. Hence, true freedom of speech is the ultimate solution to the problem of teasing and bullying.

IzzyÂ’s "game" gives kids terrific practice in stopping bullying, and helps them understand the secrets of human nature that can help end verbal abuse.

In contrast to most anti-bullying approaches, Kalman teaches kids how to solve problems for themselves and without getting anyone in trouble. "

Editorial Reviews

From School Library Journal

Grade 6-8 - Kalman shines the spotlight mostly on verbal insults and name calling. His point of view is that, "When victims stop being victims, bullies stop being bullies." He advocates living by the Golden Rule and seeks to empower students by teaching them to turn anger into humor, fear into courage, and enemies into friends through verbal exchanges and body language. Four sections, "Understanding Life," "General Rules," "Some Good Advice," "Specific Situations," and corresponding multiple-choice quizzes organize the themes. Humorous spot drawings are scattered throughout. Kids are discouraged from telling adults that they are being browbeaten unless stealing or extreme physical violence is involved; telling is said to be unhelpful and even counterproductive. The larger picture of bullying outside of the school is explored as well, but there is no discussion of discerning abuse that is mental and emotional from the more easily recognized form of childish insults. This book is not for schools where guns and knives are already prevalent but has some good ideas for quelling youth anger. While letters from schools and quotes from social workers attest to the success of Kalman's ideas, the book would probably be best used by teachers gleaning ideas and passing them on to students, rather than teaching the entire book, which tends to blame the victim and minimize the psychological damage that bullying can cause. - Kelly Czarnecki, Bloomington Public Library, IL
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

Review

"Easy to read and practical guide on how Victims can break behavior patterns seemingly deeply entrenched" -- Dr. Bernie Stein, President of the International School Psychology Association, 1999-2001

Empowers victims of bully behaviors to move to a higher ground, a safer place where they can't be hurt." -- George Anthony, Director, Peace Dynamics Consultants

Izzy's 6 rules in communication helps me get more of what I need and everyone comes out a winner! --Ann Elliot L.C.S.W. The Lighthouse Counseling Center

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Reading level: Ages 11 and up
  
• Paperback: 128 pages
• Publisher: Wisdom Pages; Third edition edition (January 1, 2010)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0970648219
• ISBN-13: 978-0970648211
• Product Dimensions: 10.9 x 8.4 x 0.4 inches
• Shipping Weight: 13.6 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.0 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (21 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #32,636 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Israel (Izzy) C. Kalman is a school psychologist and director of Bullies2Buddies, a program designed to help children and adults solve their problems with bullying. Taking an alternative approach to commonly accepted methods of dealing with bullies, Izzy is revolutionizing the realm of interpersonal relationships with his seminars and workshops. For more information, please go to www.bullies2buddies.com

From bullies2buddies.com:
My name is Israel C. "Izzy" Kalman. I have been working as a school psychologist and psychotherapist since 1978. For over two decades, I've been intensively helping victims of bullying, initially chidren and after a few years, adults as well, for I realized that the same principles apply to interpersonal problems throughout the lifetime. More recently, I have been teaching these methods to mental health professionals and educators primarily throughout the United States and Canada. The methods I have developed I believe are the quickest, easiest, and most natural that exist, and are consistent with all major schools of psychology, philosophy and religion.

I had been an expert in bullying for over a decade without realizing it because I had never thought of the behaviors I was dealing with as "bullying." Bullying had been an obscure field within psychology that few mental health professionals ever studied. The field came to prominence because of the Columbine shooting, which was commited by kids who presented themselves as victims of bullying. It was then that I learned that I had been treating victims of "bullying."

The psychological and educational communities then went to the academic literature to learn about bullying, and found a field that had been created by a Norwegian researcher named Dan Olweus, and all the subsequent work on bullying was based on the definitions, research, and recommendations of Dan Olweus. The United States and most of the modern world began intensively implementing anti-bullying programs based on the work of Dan Olweus.

However, when I examined his approach to bullying, I saw that it ignored everything that I had learned in science and psychology and was essentially the opposite of what is taught in counseling and psychotherapy. Rather than helping kids learn how to deal with being bullied, this new approach required professionals to act as law enforcement officers, protecting kids from each other, taking the side of victims against their bullies, and apprehending, interrogating and punishing bullies. I knew that this approach couldn't possibly work, for when we do this at home with our own kids, it leads to constant fighting, makes them angry at us as well, and prevents them from learning how to deal with each other on their own. How could an approach that leads to intensive sibling rivalry at home possibly create harmony in school?

I therefore decided to create a website that would teach kids, parents and schools how to deal with bullying and aggression by applying psychological principles. Before long, I left my job as a school psychologist with the New York City Department of Education so that I could devote myself full time to teaching and creating materials for dealing with bullying.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

12 of 14 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars Helpful!, July 24, 2005

By 

Armchair Interviews (Minneapolis, MN) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Bullies to Buddies: How to Turn Your Enemies Into Friends (Paperback)

Increasingly our society seems to be growing bullies that are "bigger and badder" than in days past. Izzy Kalman, a school psychologist for twenty-five years, tackles the bully problem with interesting, unique and logical methods in his book Bullies to Buddies: How to Turn Your Enemies into Friends!

Kalman says we act like animals because we are animals-and what differentiates us from lower forms is our souls and our brain capacity. His goal is to teach us how to make bullies our buddies. He believes that if people follow his instruction they will defeat bullies.

The author suggests that people are picked on because they become angry and try to make the bully stop bullying. He indicates that bullies don't really care if someone wears glasses or is overweight. The bully is just "having fun" because what a bully really wants is power, respect and popularity. The bully is testing the person being bullied.

Kalman suggests we think of bullies as sparring partners who will give us practice and train us to win in the "game of bullying." His book includes: 7 rules to turn Bullies into Buddies, dialogues, quizzes and experiments. He also includes topics such as Internet Bullies, Sibling Bullies, Parent Bullies, Teacher Bullies, and When Others are Bullied.

The bottom line seems to be: Take responsibility for yourself. Understand what the bully is doing and why and then change your reaction to the behavior as this will change the bullies' behavior.

This is a simple, logical, straight-forward handbook to help eradicate bullying. This is a workbook that children, parents, teachers and all others who are concerned with the problem can benefit from reading and incorporating into their lives.

8 of 9 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars The definitive answer for dealing with teasing., January 1, 2009

By 

K. Kochenburg "LCSW" (San Jose, CA United States) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: Bullies to Buddies: How to Turn Your Enemies Into Friends (Paperback)

I am a school counselor and the problem of "bullying" is, of course, constantly addressed at every school. I have read everything Mr. Kalman has written and his take on handling teasing and bullying in schools is the only approach that really works. I have used every type of program and philosophy in working with my students, and empowering the targets of teasing/bullying ("victims") is the only way to make changes.

One thing that limits some people's understanding of Mr. Kalman's assertions is that our society has really blurred the lines between bullying and teasing. Children and adults are taught that every action that is veiwed as mean, annoying, or even vaguely discomforting is "bullying". Kids will tell me, "He bullied me. He made a noise when I walked by." The word bullying is used far too liberally and pretty soon everyone is a victim of someone's egregious vengeance. This also results in REAL bullying (physical violence, power and control dynamics, repetitious harassment) being diluted and going unaddressed.

Mr. Kalman's philosophy distinguishes between truly dangerous and damaging bullying and more common teasing and bothering behaviors, and he gives advice on how to deal with both. The bulk of Mr. Kalman's advice addresses the annoying, challenging, frustrating behaviors that we all have to put up with DAILY from the time we are born until we die. I can say with confidence that his techniques have worked with EVERY SINGLE student I have counseled in school over the last six years. I know this is a strong claim, and I ensure you I am not exaggerating. Of course, some students are more able to ingest and implement the techniques, but all of them see improvements in their lives immediately, and over time they all get stronger. And their changes lead to behavior adjustments in the kids who do the "bullying"!

To sum, this is a great book and philosophy. I can't recommend the book enough to all parents and school personnel. I also suggest that you read everything on Mr. Kalman's website and really try to understand the depths of his philosophy, even if it's not clear to you right away and it seems confusing. It's a different way of looking at the problem, and it is the RIGHT way.

8 of 9 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Based on our experience, this program works ....., July 18, 2007

By 

JerseyGirl (New Jersey) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Bullies to Buddies: How to Turn Your Enemies Into Friends (Paperback)

When my son was in sixth grade he was being bullied at school. He was miserable - didn't want to go to school, and would cry as he walked to school in the morning. Although the principal recommended that parents report incidents of bullying so that they could deal with it, our son refused, saying that getting adults involved "would only make things worse". So we decided to use the Bullies to Buddies program, which doesn't require adult intervention - it simply teaches kids how not to be victims. All I can say is - it worked like a charm. In three weeks time, our son went from miserable to running out the door in the morning with a smile on his face - and it may sound corny, but to our utter amazement his "bully" turned into a "buddy" - they started hanging out together! That never would have happened if we had contacted the school or the other parents involved. I also like the concepts this program teaches kids - to solve their own problems, and not place so much importance on what other people say - ideas that will serve them well through their whole lives. I know this is a somewhat controversial program because it doesn't focus on the bully at all - it's up to the "victim" to change his or her behavior. But as a parent, I'm more interested in what works than in psychological theories or school policies. If your child has a problem with bullying, this program is worth considering. You can also check out Bullies2Buddies.com.

p.s. I don't think this is formally part of the program, but one thing that helped was that we "practiced" with our son what happens during bullying - he was allowed to call me every name in the book, and vice versa - and we had a great time doing it! The sky didn't fall, and we can learn how not to get all bent out of shape by what other people say.