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Bullies to Buddies: How to Turn Your Enemies Into Friends Paperback – January 1, 2010


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Product Details

  • Age Range: 11 and up
  • Grade Level: 6 and up
  • Paperback: 128 pages
  • Publisher: Wisdom Pages; Third edition edition (January 1, 2010)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0970648219
  • ISBN-13: 978-0970648211
  • Product Dimensions: 8.7 x 11.3 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 13.6 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 3.4 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (30 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #682,387 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Editorial Reviews

From School Library Journal

Grade 6-8 - Kalman shines the spotlight mostly on verbal insults and name calling. His point of view is that, "When victims stop being victims, bullies stop being bullies." He advocates living by the Golden Rule and seeks to empower students by teaching them to turn anger into humor, fear into courage, and enemies into friends through verbal exchanges and body language. Four sections, "Understanding Life," "General Rules," "Some Good Advice," "Specific Situations," and corresponding multiple-choice quizzes organize the themes. Humorous spot drawings are scattered throughout. Kids are discouraged from telling adults that they are being browbeaten unless stealing or extreme physical violence is involved; telling is said to be unhelpful and even counterproductive. The larger picture of bullying outside of the school is explored as well, but there is no discussion of discerning abuse that is mental and emotional from the more easily recognized form of childish insults. This book is not for schools where guns and knives are already prevalent but has some good ideas for quelling youth anger. While letters from schools and quotes from social workers attest to the success of Kalman's ideas, the book would probably be best used by teachers gleaning ideas and passing them on to students, rather than teaching the entire book, which tends to blame the victim and minimize the psychological damage that bullying can cause. - Kelly Czarnecki, Bloomington Public Library, IL
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

Review

Easy to read and practical guide on how Victims can break behavior patterns seemingly deeply entrenched -- Dr. Bernie Stein, President of the International School Psychology Association, 1999-2001 --Ann Elliot L.C.S.W. The Lighthouse Counseling Center

Empowers victims of bully behaviors to move to a higher ground, a safer place where they can't be hurt.; Izzy's 6 rules in communication helps me get more of what I need and everyone comes out a winner! --George Anthony, Director, Peace Dynamics Consultants

More About the Author

Israel "Izzy" Kalman is a Nationally Certified School Psychologist and psychotherapist with over thirty years work experience and Director of Bullies to Buddies, Inc. He has developed a unique approach for teaching people how to quickly and easily solve their interpersonal problems through the practical application of the Golden Rule. For the past decade he has been working full time giving seminars to mental health professionals and educators throughout the country under the auspices of Cross Country Education. Izzy is author/creator of Bullies2Buddies.com and writes a Psychology Today blog on bullying called, A Psychological Solution to Bullying.

From bullies2buddies.com:
My name is Israel C. "Izzy" Kalman. I have been working as a school psychologist and psychotherapist since 1978. For close to three decades, I've been intensively helping victims of bullying, initially children and after a few years, adults as well, for I realized that the same principles apply to interpersonal problems throughout the lifetime. More recently, I have been teaching these methods to mental health professionals and educators primarily throughout the United States and Canada. The methods I have developed I believe are the quickest, easiest, and most natural that exist, and are consistent with all major schools of psychology, philosophy and religion.

I had been an expert in bullying for over a decade before the Columbine shooting made bullying a household concern but hadn't realized it because I had never thought of the behaviors I was dealing with as "bullying." Bullying had been an obscure field within psychology that few mental health professionals ever studied. When I saw how "bullying" was being defined, I learned that I had been treating victims of "bullying" all those years.

Because of Columbine, the psychological and educational communities went to the academic literature to learn about bullying and found a field that had been created by a Norwegian researcher, Prof. Dan Olweus. All the subsequent work on bullying was based on his definitions, research and recommendations. The United States and most of the modern world began intensively implementing anti-bullying programs based on the teachings of Dan Olweus.

However, when I examined his approach to bullying, I saw that it contradicted almost everything that I had learned in the psychological helping professions. Rather than helping kids learn how to deal with being bullied, this new approach required professionals to act as law enforcement officers protecting kids from each other, taking the side of victims against their bullies, and apprehending, interrogating and punishing bullies. I knew that this approach couldn't possibly work, for when we do this at home with our own kids, it leads to constant fighting, makes them angry at us as well, and prevents them from learning how to deal with each other on their own. How could an approach that leads to intensive sibling rivalry at home possibly create harmony in school?

I therefore decided to create a website that would teach kids, parents and schools how to deal with bullying and aggression by applying established psychological principles. Before long, I left my job as a school psychologist with the New York City Department of Education so that I could devote myself full time to teaching and creating materials for dealing with bullying.

Customer Reviews

3.4 out of 5 stars
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So kicking and screaming at you don't count?
Elizabeth Steward
This book is a way for you to understand why your child is being bullied, and great to use with them to practice what they would say or do in a bullying scenario.
Michelle D. Forstrom
You will probably need to allow yourself to read, think, and let his ideas sit for awhile.
Amazon Customer

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

11 of 11 people found the following review helpful By mayalibre on April 16, 2014
Format: Paperback
It's surprising that this psychologist believes that all bullies are the same, or that they can be handled in the same way. In the Enneagram typology, there's a "type 8" person who's basically aggressive as a way of testing others, and doesn't respect anyone who doesn't stand up for themselves. But when their target does fight back, they've earned the bully's trust, a bond is built and they become solid friends. This is a useful concept for anyone to understand, including adults. Sometimes people are just testing you.

But this is FAR different from a bully who is acting out out of deep disempowerment, usually from being abused themselves or living in a household with domestic violence, and attempting to elevate himself or herself by keeping others down. The underlying unconscious motive of these bullies isn't to test whether the other person has a backbone. It's to empower themselves at the expense of others. Thus, the more their victims appease, the more abusive they become because it proves their strategy works.

Sadly, an honest look at the dynamics of domestic violence shows clearly that continued appeasement of a bully or abuser does not result in a healthier more solid relationship -- quite the opposite. In the Cycle of Violence, the victim spirals down through a series abusive episodes, followed by honeymoon periods and then increasingly abusive episodes, losing all sense of self as they continue to try to "please" their abuser. The myth that fuels this is the myth Karman perpetrates -- that we can control the behaviour of others.

Put it this way: This second type of bully doesn't understand or accept the kind of equilibrium that Karman assumes, where if you do good to someone they will do good back to you. Their primary motivation is "power over".
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22 of 25 people found the following review helpful By Elizabeth Steward on September 22, 2011
Format: Paperback
This book is well-intended, but I can't see it working for seriously bullied children. It won't help either the bully or the bullied.

This is what he wants the bullied child to do:
Rule 1: Refuse to get mad.
Rule 2: Treat everything as the words of your best friend.
Rule 3: Don't be afraid of bullies.
Rule 4: Don't attack bullies.
Rule 5: Don't defend yourself.
Rule 6: Don't tell on bullies.
Rule 7: Show you are hurt, not angry. From page 33, Turning Bullies into Buddies - the Secret)
(Rules 1-5) Can you see a seriously bullied child being able to pull all that off?
(Rule 6) The not telling on bullies really bothers me. He makes exceptions for blood, broken bones, breaking or stealing your possessions; that's it. So kicking and screaming at you don't count?
(Rule 7) So he wants you to say, "That really hurt" and be careful to not sound angry (page 48) and somehow that will make it better. I think that hurting you is probably just as satisfying for the bully as angering you. I think it leaves the bullied more vulnerable; the last thing we need.

I think these ideas would work great for someone who need help dealing with some abrasive friends, but in no way can I see it helping some kid who is being seriously bullied by one or more kids.

He also makes a serious case for not helping other kids who are being bullied, to just be a bystander. That bothers me.

I agree with the concept of toughening up the bullied kid, but I don't think this book will help with that. I also think that something needs to be done about serious bullies and this book doesn't even touch on that.
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21 of 25 people found the following review helpful By Karen K. on January 1, 2009
Format: Paperback
I am a school counselor and the problem of "bullying" is, of course, constantly addressed at every school. I have read everything Mr. Kalman has written and his take on handling teasing and bullying in schools is the only approach that really works. I have used every type of program and philosophy in working with my students, and empowering the targets of teasing/bullying ("victims") is the only way to make changes.

One thing that limits some people's understanding of Mr. Kalman's assertions is that our society has really blurred the lines between bullying and teasing. Children and adults are taught that every action that is veiwed as mean, annoying, or even vaguely discomforting is "bullying". Kids will tell me, "He bullied me. He made a noise when I walked by." The word bullying is used far too liberally and pretty soon everyone is a victim of someone's egregious vengeance. This also results in REAL bullying (physical violence, power and control dynamics, repetitious harassment) being diluted and going unaddressed.

Mr. Kalman's philosophy distinguishes between truly dangerous and damaging bullying and more common teasing and bothering behaviors, and he gives advice on how to deal with both. The bulk of Mr. Kalman's advice addresses the annoying, challenging, frustrating behaviors that we all have to put up with DAILY from the time we are born until we die. I can say with confidence that his techniques have worked with EVERY SINGLE student I have counseled in school over the last six years. I know this is a strong claim, and I ensure you I am not exaggerating. Of course, some students are more able to ingest and implement the techniques, but all of them see improvements in their lives immediately, and over time they all get stronger.
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