Customer Reviews

Bullies to Buddies: How to Turn Your Enemies Into Friends

5 star:		(13)
4 star:		(4)
3 star:		(0)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(4)

 

 

Increasingly our society seems to be growing bullies that are "bigger and badder" than in days past. Izzy Kalman, a school psychologist for twenty-five years, tackles the bully problem with interesting, unique and logical methods in his book Bullies to Buddies: How to Turn Your Enemies into Friends!

Kalman says we act like animals because we are animals-and what differentiates us from lower forms is our souls and our brain capacity. His goal is to teach us how to make bullies our buddies. He believes that if people follow his instruction they will defeat bullies.

The author suggests that people are picked on because they become angry and try to make the bully stop bullying. He indicates that bullies don't really care if someone wears glasses or is overweight. The bully is just "having fun" because what a bully really wants is power, respect and popularity. The bully is testing the person being bullied.

Kalman suggests we think of bullies as sparring partners who will give us practice and train us to win in the "game of bullying." His book includes: 7 rules to turn Bullies into Buddies, dialogues, quizzes and experiments. He also includes topics such as Internet Bullies, Sibling Bullies, Parent Bullies, Teacher Bullies, and When Others are Bullied.

The bottom line seems to be: Take responsibility for yourself. Understand what the bully is doing and why and then change your reaction to the behavior as this will change the bullies' behavior.

This is a simple, logical, straight-forward handbook to help eradicate bullying. This is a workbook that children, parents, teachers and all others who are concerned with the problem can benefit from reading and incorporating into their lives.

I am a school counselor and the problem of "bullying" is, of course, constantly addressed at every school. I have read everything Mr. Kalman has written and his take on handling teasing and bullying in schools is the only approach that really works. I have used every type of program and philosophy in working with my students, and empowering the targets of teasing/bullying ("victims") is the only way to make changes.

One thing that limits some people's understanding of Mr. Kalman's assertions is that our society has really blurred the lines between bullying and teasing. Children and adults are taught that every action that is veiwed as mean, annoying, or even vaguely discomforting is "bullying". Kids will tell me, "He bullied me. He made a noise when I walked by." The word bullying is used far too liberally and pretty soon everyone is a victim of someone's egregious vengeance. This also results in REAL bullying (physical violence, power and control dynamics, repetitious harassment) being diluted and going unaddressed.

Mr. Kalman's philosophy distinguishes between truly dangerous and damaging bullying and more common teasing and bothering behaviors, and he gives advice on how to deal with both. The bulk of Mr. Kalman's advice addresses the annoying, challenging, frustrating behaviors that we all have to put up with DAILY from the time we are born until we die. I can say with confidence that his techniques have worked with EVERY SINGLE student I have counseled in school over the last six years. I know this is a strong claim, and I ensure you I am not exaggerating. Of course, some students are more able to ingest and implement the techniques, but all of them see improvements in their lives immediately, and over time they all get stronger. And their changes lead to behavior adjustments in the kids who do the "bullying"!

To sum, this is a great book and philosophy. I can't recommend the book enough to all parents and school personnel. I also suggest that you read everything on Mr. Kalman's website and really try to understand the depths of his philosophy, even if it's not clear to you right away and it seems confusing. It's a different way of looking at the problem, and it is the RIGHT way.

When my son was in sixth grade he was being bullied at school. He was miserable - didn't want to go to school, and would cry as he walked to school in the morning. Although the principal recommended that parents report incidents of bullying so that they could deal with it, our son refused, saying that getting adults involved "would only make things worse". So we decided to use the Bullies to Buddies program, which doesn't require adult intervention - it simply teaches kids how not to be victims. All I can say is - it worked like a charm. In three weeks time, our son went from miserable to running out the door in the morning with a smile on his face - and it may sound corny, but to our utter amazement his "bully" turned into a "buddy" - they started hanging out together! That never would have happened if we had contacted the school or the other parents involved. I also like the concepts this program teaches kids - to solve their own problems, and not place so much importance on what other people say - ideas that will serve them well through their whole lives. I know this is a somewhat controversial program because it doesn't focus on the bully at all - it's up to the "victim" to change his or her behavior. But as a parent, I'm more interested in what works than in psychological theories or school policies. If your child has a problem with bullying, this program is worth considering. You can also check out Bullies2Buddies.com.

p.s. I don't think this is formally part of the program, but one thing that helped was that we "practiced" with our son what happens during bullying - he was allowed to call me every name in the book, and vice versa - and we had a great time doing it! The sky didn't fall, and we can learn how not to get all bent out of shape by what other people say.

I hightly recommend this book!! I am a school counselor and have used Kalman's approach with a high degree of success. The ideas exposed need to be reflected upon, because Kalman is going against the current. You will probably need to allow yourself to read, think, and let his ideas sit for awhile. However, once you allow yourself to read with an open mind and to experiment personally with his techniques, you'll see how effective they are.
What I like the most is how it EMPOWERS victims of bullying.

I suggest you read the book, look at his website, and attend one of his trainings to find an "out of the box" way to deal with bullying. At first you'll say--NO WAY, but think about how are we going to change everyone to be nice all the time. We aren't or we'd have world peace! Telling adults and having someone else handle our problems doesn't work and at times makes it worse, so trying something different might be the answer. It is working for some of my students and I plan to work with others to try it. We are just starting to "train" students now that we've been to the training and we've read the book. They like feeling in control of the situation because they learn how to react and that they have the choice of how they react.

This book single-handedly guided us in assisting our 14 year old son when experiencing anti-semitic and other general bullying behavior from his peers. He now has a strong sense of self and understands his need to walk away in order to stop the bullying. Well worth reading.

The techniques Kalman explains are simply those used by people who don't get bullied. He makes those things available to children who haven't worked it out for themselves. The book talks to a young person who is having bullying issues and should be read from that perspective. It is not one of those old fashioned anti-bullying manuals which are so often of no practical use. I have used these techniques in High Schools in the UK, and the students really do take and relate to the approach.

I have attended Izzy's seminar, read his book on bullying, and had lunch with him. His approach makes sense, works well, and prepares children to live in a democracy. Kudos to Izzy! Keep it going and don't let the misinformed mislead our children. Thanks Izzy-

Dr. Gregory Golden
Reno, NV

I work with children in public and private schools, ages preschool through junior high. I use the tools in this book with my students all the time, both for helping them negotiate conflicts with peers and for helping me manage of classroom behavior.

I encourage all parents I know with children facing social problems like bullying and teasing to visit the website, and get this book into the hands of their children.

This is the only book and approach that works directly with the targets of bullying and gives them the power to change how they feel and react to this type of behavior and to develop a social resilience that will last a lifetime.

Required reading for all education professionals, child psychologists, parents and children!

I read Bullies to Buddies after reading other typical anti-bully books and I found the differences disturbing at first. I liked its psychological rationale, but was dubious of some of its claims and wary to try them since my elder son was only six and the book's advice seemed to apply to slightly older kids. Nevertheless, faced with the repeated bullying attitude of one neighborhood kid of the same age (who was bullied at school...) and my absolute incapacity, during the last several years, to modify it in a positive way, I advised my son, at a moment when the bullying started right in front of my eyes (my son was cornered by the bully and started reacting with a mixture of fear and defiance) to simply let him talk. My son was too young to display any wit or say the sort of things that the book recommends and I feared, as the book warns, that results would not come quickly, but they were almost instantaneous! I could barely believe it. The bully had gone from threatening to sharing a secret.
It gave me pause and now when I try to apply the same principles at work, I realize that the main remaining obstacle is me. I think the point of view on human beings that Izzy Kalman advocates is simply the right one.