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Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander, The

57 customer reviews
ISBN-13: 978-0060014308
ISBN-10: 006001430X
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Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

This is an extremely helpful book that both parents and teachers can use to deal with bullying, an aspect of school that the author feels "is a life-and-death issue that we ignore at our children's peril." Staring with a bottom-line assumption that "bullying is a learned behavior," Coloroso (Parenting Through Crisis) wonderfully explains not only the ways that the bully, the bullied and the bystander are "three characters in a tragic play" but also how "the scripts can be rewritten, new roles created, the plot changed." For each of the three "characters," she breaks down the behavior that defines each role, analyzes the specific ways that each character can have their behaviors changed for the better, and suggests a range of methods that parents and educators can use to identify bullying behavior and deal with it effectively. The book also provides excellent insights into behaviors related to but not always recognized as bullying, such as cliques, hazing, taunting and sexual bullying. And while there have been numerous books about bullies, this volume is perhaps best for its sections on the "bystander," the person whose behavior is too often overlooked or excused. Coloroso's emphasis on aikido-related defensive skills do not sufficiently address the issue of what a child is to do when physical force is necessary to stop a bully, but overall this is an important look at the ways that bullied children can affirm their dignity and self-worth.
Copyright 2002 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.


“An extremely helpful book that both parents and teachers can use to deal with bullying.” (Publishers Weekly)

An important look at the ways that bullied children can affirm their dignity and self-worth (Publishers Weekly)

“If you are a parent or teacher, you should read this book. (Education Today)

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Product Details

  • Paperback: 240 pages
  • Publisher: HarperPB (February 3, 2004)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 006001430X
  • ISBN-13: 978-0060014308
  • Product Dimensions: 7.9 x 5.4 x 0.6 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 6.4 ounces
  • Average Customer Review: 4.6 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (57 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,250,806 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Barbara Coloroso is an international bestselling author and for the past 38 years an internationally recognized speaker and consultant on parenting, teaching, school discipline, positive school climate, bullying, grieving, nonviolent conflict resolution and restorative justice. She has appeared on Oprah, CBS, NBC, ABC, CNN and NPR and has been featured in the New York Times, Time, U.S. News & World Report, Newsweek, and other national and international publications. Her uniquely effective parenting and teaching strategies were developed through her years of training in sociology, special education, and philosophy, as well as field-tested through her experiences as a classroom teacher, laboratory school instructor, university instructor, seminar leader, volunteer in Rwanda, and mother of three grown children. She is the author of four international bestsellers: kids are worth it! Giving Your Child the Gift of Inner Discipline; Parenting Through Crisis--Helping Kids in Times of Loss, Grief and Change; The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander--From Pre-School to High School, How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle of Violence; and Just Because It's Not Wrong Doesn't Make It Right--From Toddlers to Teens, Teaching Kids to Think and Act Ethically. Barbara's latest book is Extraordinary Evil: A Brief History of Genocide...and Why it Matters. She also has two critically acclaimed video programs Winning at Parenting...without beating your kids and Winning at Teaching...without beating your kids.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

63 of 67 people found the following review helpful By Cathy W on November 6, 2007
Format: Paperback
I was bullied as a child, and learned quickly that my parents' admonitions to "ignore" didn't work very well. So when my 5-year-old was the target of some mean-spirited verbal taunting, I decided to find out what WOULD work. The theory behind this book is excellent. Lots of good information. It was also very well-written, and easy to read. But what I didn't find, was a lot of solid, easy-to-follow exercises. It talks about role-playing ethical situations, but doesn't provide scenarios. The more concrete ideas that it does have are much more suited to older kids. So, I definitely recommend this book as a starting point, perhaps even THE starting point if you've got a bullying situation on your hands (either your child is being bullied, or is bullying, or is a bystander). But it's likely to not be the only book you'll need to read.
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48 of 54 people found the following review helpful By Christine Louise Hohlbaum on August 7, 2005
Format: Paperback
Barabara Coloroso thoroughly investigates all aspects of the bullying process in this book. Making bystanders just as accountable as the bully themselves, Ms. Coloroso sharply criticizes how today's society seems to focus only on the bully's ACT instead of the underlying feelings which cause such behavior.

She encourages parents and "responsible adults" to get involved in the hallways, playgrounds, and streets of our children's world. Not at all defeatist, Ms. Coloroso's attitude is one of seeking to break the cycle of violence through love, communication, and consequence.

All teachers, school administrators and parents of children all ages should grab a copy, pencil in hand to underline the nuggets of wisdom Ms. Coloroso offers us. She hands us the solution to a prevalent problem for kids. It is our job to relax our fists long enough to receive what she has to say and to implement it through the doable exercises she puts forth. Buy a copy. You'll be glad you did.

Reviewed by Christine Louise Hohlbaum, parenting humorist, author of DIARY OF A MOTHER: PARENTING STORIES AND OTHER STUFF, and SAHM I AM: TALES OF A STAY-AT-HOME MOM IN EUROPE. [...]
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52 of 62 people found the following review helpful By Janhavi on March 22, 2006
Format: Paperback
It is a book that should be owned definitely by every parent, and also by everyone. It helps with understanding of how and why we came here, why we are who we are, and how to make it better for our kids and actually for every one around us. It describes how a family should treat our kids with respect and freedom. It is one book which I think is a must read. It gives insight into how we can change despite of bad experiences while we grew up. I would recommend it to be bought before buying a crib when you expect a baby! It is like a bible for a christan, Geeta for an Indian, Koran for a Muslim. It tells the three kinds of families, two dysfucntional and how they make long lasting deficiencies in kid's psyche. Then it explains how a backbone family gives freedom and respect to a child and makes him independent and loving. It takes a while to read as it has painful stories of kids who killed themselves because of bullying. This book should be talked about in parent teacher's organizations, at churches, temples , Sunday schools and so on. It is one book that will make a difference in our society. It describes the importance of difference between teasing and taunting and how taunting can lead to suicides, hurts not only the bullied but also instills fear in the bystanders. It weaves the relation of parental upbringing into making a kid a passive bystander as opposed to helper for the bullied. It tells signs to be seen in your child to detect if he is bullied, questions to be asked. It tells the life destroying long lasting effects on his own life if a bully is not stopped! It gives non humiliating strategies how to stop a bully and how to empower a bullied and the critical role of bystander and how to make him help the bullied. A fantastically written book. A life changing book!
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15 of 16 people found the following review helpful By R.Brian Burkhardt on December 31, 2007
Format: Paperback
This book is very useful in dealing with the bully in the school. This is truly a life and death issue. It's application however goes beyond the the schools.It is always applies to the work place,business,the church,the internet, the funeral arrangement conference, national politics,and international relations. Chapter seven "Is there a bullied kid in the house applies" to all these environments.

She points out that the roots of bullying are in the home. Chapter Five is excellent in revealing three types of families and how it relates to bullying.She is particularly bold in describing sexual bullying and it's
relationship to sexual harassment. Her treatment of telling and tattling can be applied not just to the schoolyard, but to any type of whistle blowing. Five stars! Excellent job on a timeless subject.
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21 of 24 people found the following review helpful By Jane Rusch on September 30, 2006
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
This is a must have book for anyone that deals with kids. Our schools have a problem with bullying that the district is presently denying. I hope to start a support group soon - and this will be the one book I highly recommend reading.

I've already purchased multiple copies and have given them to staff at my child's school.
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18 of 21 people found the following review helpful By Lou299 on July 6, 2005
Format: Paperback
The book is well researched and provides excellent insight to the complexities of the problem of bullying. An easy an informative read. A must for parents and educators. Articualtes the importance of each participant in the bullying triangle.
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