Upon reading *Bullyproof Your Child for Life*, [Perigee Books, New York; August, 2007] by Joel Haber, Ph.D., with Jenna Glatzer, I was struck by how closely Dr. Haber's views on the subject of school bullying mirror my own as stated on my website. Dr. Haber is a clinical psychologist and has used his years of experience to formulate an anti-bullying program that I find to be exceptional. Just reading this book will provide invaluable insights into the dynamics of school bullying, the psychology of bullies and victims and the repercussions of bullying for both groups as well as for student bystanders.
Anyone who has read "Pride's Prison" (my free access internet short story regarding school bullying,) or has read my articles on my website, will readily surmise that the following quote from his book would alone serve to endear me to Dr. Haber's approach to school bullying:
"Bullying is meant to humiliate, and it does its job quite well. Often bullied kids are so embarrassed that they don't even want to tell their parents." [Chapter 2, page 37]
But Dr. Haber does not let the subject rest merely with this observation. He goes on to instruct parents how to approach youngsters tactfully if parents suspect their kids are having a problem at school with bullying. He advises what to ask kids, how to phrase matters and what to avoid asking to avoid the stock answer of "Fine" such questioning routinely engenders.
Dr. Haber explodes the myth that school bullies are kids lacking in self-esteem and thus they attempt to inflate their egos at the expense of others. On the contrary, bullies tend to be kids who do not lack self-esteem, but are aggressive and lack empathy for victims: the very definition of evil as formulated by Dr. Gustave Gilbert, the U. S. Army psychologist at the Nuremberg War Crimes Trials. Bullies will continue to push beyond the boundaries of socially acceptable behavior as long as they feel as though they can get away with it.
The author defines the underlying basis for bullying as an imbalance of power which bullies exploit to enhance their own social status within the school's pecking order. The exact reason (too fat, skinny, etc.) why a victim is targeted is simply a pretext, exactly as I have stated on my website.
Dr. Haber (quite rightfully) advises against trying to reason with bullies by appealing to their sensibilities. He states:
"This is wishful thinking, and works only when you're not dealing with a true bully. True bullies don't have empathy--at least not for your child. They do not care that they've hurt your child's feelings...in fact, that's exactly what they want." [Chapter 2, page 67]
Neither does he feel (again, quite correctly) that in most cases appealing to a bully's parents will have much effect under the adage (that I also noted within one of my articles) that: "The acorn never falls far from the tree."
Student bystanders remain silent in the face of bullying, even if they are sympathetic to the victim, for two reasons as Dr. Haber explains. Firstly, they are afraid to try to intervene because they fear losing social status and becoming targets themselves. Secondly, they view the victim as a sort of metaphorical lightening rod; i.e., "Thank God it's not me."
Part of his school bullying program is to attempt to instill within the typical school kid a sense of duty to resist aggression against other kids as not being acceptable. This emphasis on the role of the bystander within Dr. Haber's paradigm echoes the high degree of importance that John Halligan places upon the role of bystanders within his school lectures regarding his late son's case.
Once a parent becomes aware of a problem regarding school bullying, Dr. Haber presents (Chapter 4, pages 118-119) a series of steps parents can take to tackle the problem, from first to last resorts; ranging from working with a child to have him or her try to solve the problem himself or herself, to invoking the legal system, with seven suggested steps in-between. Working with a youngster to improve his or her social skills is one I advocate myself and suggest in my first article regarding Tourette's Syndrome, which would be applicable to many youngsters who do not suffer from that affliction.
Removing a child from a school is not a remedy that Dr. Haber advises in most cases as such denies a child the opportunity to learn from the episode and improve his or her social skills, and it also often proves ineffectual as well. Dr. Haber observes that often such children seem to have a "neon sign" above their heads indicating that they are victims which bullies at another school will soon pick up upon. Of course, the same aspects of the youngster that rendered him or her a victim at the former school will remain with him or her, with the added onus of the child becoming the new kid at school.
Dr. Haber also reviews sample anti-bullying programs that have been instituted at various schools and contributes recommendations. I particularly appreciated his point of increasing monitoring, including hidden cameras, of areas within the school environment that tend to be less well supervised, such as hallways, lunch rooms and school buses. Holding schools accountable to provide safe atmospheres in which children can function and learn without fear of harassment is an approach I wholeheartedly endorse, along with approaches that work with youngsters directly.
I do not prefer to address the issue of school bullying as one based upon morality. What is the point of attempting to argue morality with school sadists and their parents? Instead, I prefer to view the issue as a contractual one. School professionals are well paid to deliver a service, and they have a legal obligation to fulfill their end of that contract with parents who are paying for their services with taxes or tuition.
The only area of disagreement I have with Dr. Haber's philosophy as recounted within his book is the same one I have with most anti-bullying experts. I hold that true bullying only encompasses acts of commission and not acts of omission. I do not consider social exclusion to be an act of bullying, though certainly spreading false rumors about a youngster is an act of commission. I simply argue for a child's right to be left alone if he or she is acting likewise towards others.
Children have the same right of free association as do adults, and it is up to each person, adult or child, to navigate his or her way through the social environment. Each person must learn that self-esteem must never be dependent on the attitudes of others towards one's self. It is the height of foolishness to peg one's sense of self-worth to that which one cannot control.
Other than that point, I am in full agreement with Dr. Haber's views as expressed in his book, and I unreservedly recommend it to all parents and educators as the best work on the subject I have yet encountered. Dr. Haber possess a perceptive grasp of child psychology and has used his years of experience within the field to produce a book that could well make a profound difference in the lives of school kids and their parents alike.
In addition to school bullying, Dr. Haber's book tackles other areas of bullying that are beyond the scope of my website, though might well be of great interest to parents of kids in such environments as sports teams and camps.
Although I do not sell anything at all on my website, and have absolutely no association with Dr. Haber or his book, I am so impressed with this landmark educational work regarding school bullying that I refer my readers to its Amazon page where it may be purchased.
As Dr. Haber points out, adults usually have the option of simply avoiding unpleasant people. All too often, kids feel trapped within a poisonous atmosphere. That is exactly how I felt, particularly while in the sixth grade. I felt like I was trapped in a cage with wild animals conducted by a sadistic ringmaster ("Sister Mary Peter"). For such youngsters' sake, investigate this book which just might save some child's very life.
Donald Schneider
Author of "Pride's Prison"
