Customer Reviews

Bullyproof Your Child For Life: Protect Your Child from Teasing, Taunting, and Bullying forGood

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Bullying today looks nothing like bullying 15 years ago. While many of the things we know about bullying from our childhood years remain true, bullies can now follow their victims 24/7 using the Internet and cell phones. Bullyproof Your Child for Life quotes the National Girl Scouts Research Institute and Harris Interactive report, which states the number one fear of girls ages 8 through 17 is teasing. This topped war, terrorism, and natural disasters.

The media and parents also contribute to the increasing occurrences of bullying. We see more violence on TV, commercials, video games, song lyrics. Furthermore, many parents don't realize they're setting a poor example for their children. For example, Haber shares an experience in talking with a mother who approaches him in a coffee shop. She asks for help with her child's reputation as a gossip. Haber advises her only to hear that he meets her friends at their table where she proceeds to gossip about a neighbor. Bewildering, isn't it?

The book begins with details about bullying and why it happens. Chapter two offers tactics for dealing with a bullying situation. The rest of the book explores situations, what works, and what doesn't work.

The rest of the book's contents follow the coffee shop example in telling stories and offering clear and understandable advice without the jargon. Accompanying every chapter are stories related to its topic, which cover bullying in school, camp, sports, and online.

Books in this category of non-fiction where the topic is painful and not fun can easily turn into books for helping people fall asleep at night. Haber and Glatzer do a first-rate job of using the tone needed for this sensitive topic. It doesn't get emotionally heavy nor does it scare the reader. There are a couple of grim stories in the book -- rightfully so -- and the authors follow up with details and support.

I also appreciate the chapter on special needs and disability harassment especially as a person who is deaf. The chapter gives greater focus on educating others to prevent them from bullying special needs children. It briefly goes into how to help a special needs child who is the subject of bullying. However, much of the advice throughout the book can help special needs children and work in most situations no matter where they occur.

Stopping a bully doesn't happen overnight, but Bullyproof Your Child for Life avoids overwhelming the reader with its doable suggestions. While the book doesn't require reading from cover to cover, it's beneficial to read the whole thing once -- it's surprisingly a fast and easy read. Parents, educators, and adults working with children can refer back to find what they need and take action based on the advice.

Upon reading *Bullyproof Your Child for Life*, [Perigee Books, New York; August, 2007] by Joel Haber, Ph.D., with Jenna Glatzer, I was struck by how closely Dr. Haber's views on the subject of school bullying mirror my own as stated on my website. Dr. Haber is a clinical psychologist and has used his years of experience to formulate an anti-bullying program that I find to be exceptional. Just reading this book will provide invaluable insights into the dynamics of school bullying, the psychology of bullies and victims and the repercussions of bullying for both groups as well as for student bystanders.

Anyone who has read "Pride's Prison" (my free access internet short story regarding school bullying,) or has read my articles on my website, will readily surmise that the following quote from his book would alone serve to endear me to Dr. Haber's approach to school bullying:

"Bullying is meant to humiliate, and it does its job quite well. Often bullied kids are so embarrassed that they don't even want to tell their parents." [Chapter 2, page 37]

But Dr. Haber does not let the subject rest merely with this observation. He goes on to instruct parents how to approach youngsters tactfully if parents suspect their kids are having a problem at school with bullying. He advises what to ask kids, how to phrase matters and what to avoid asking to avoid the stock answer of "Fine" such questioning routinely engenders.

Dr. Haber explodes the myth that school bullies are kids lacking in self-esteem and thus they attempt to inflate their egos at the expense of others. On the contrary, bullies tend to be kids who do not lack self-esteem, but are aggressive and lack empathy for victims: the very definition of evil as formulated by Dr. Gustave Gilbert, the U. S. Army psychologist at the Nuremberg War Crimes Trials. Bullies will continue to push beyond the boundaries of socially acceptable behavior as long as they feel as though they can get away with it.

The author defines the underlying basis for bullying as an imbalance of power which bullies exploit to enhance their own social status within the school's pecking order. The exact reason (too fat, skinny, etc.) why a victim is targeted is simply a pretext, exactly as I have stated on my website.

Dr. Haber (quite rightfully) advises against trying to reason with bullies by appealing to their sensibilities. He states:

"This is wishful thinking, and works only when you're not dealing with a true bully. True bullies don't have empathy--at least not for your child. They do not care that they've hurt your child's feelings...in fact, that's exactly what they want." [Chapter 2, page 67]

Neither does he feel (again, quite correctly) that in most cases appealing to a bully's parents will have much effect under the adage (that I also noted within one of my articles) that: "The acorn never falls far from the tree."

Student bystanders remain silent in the face of bullying, even if they are sympathetic to the victim, for two reasons as Dr. Haber explains. Firstly, they are afraid to try to intervene because they fear losing social status and becoming targets themselves. Secondly, they view the victim as a sort of metaphorical lightening rod; i.e., "Thank God it's not me."

Part of his school bullying program is to attempt to instill within the typical school kid a sense of duty to resist aggression against other kids as not being acceptable. This emphasis on the role of the bystander within Dr. Haber's paradigm echoes the high degree of importance that John Halligan places upon the role of bystanders within his school lectures regarding his late son's case.

Once a parent becomes aware of a problem regarding school bullying, Dr. Haber presents (Chapter 4, pages 118-119) a series of steps parents can take to tackle the problem, from first to last resorts; ranging from working with a child to have him or her try to solve the problem himself or herself, to invoking the legal system, with seven suggested steps in-between. Working with a youngster to improve his or her social skills is one I advocate myself and suggest in my first article regarding Tourette's Syndrome, which would be applicable to many youngsters who do not suffer from that affliction.

Removing a child from a school is not a remedy that Dr. Haber advises in most cases as such denies a child the opportunity to learn from the episode and improve his or her social skills, and it also often proves ineffectual as well. Dr. Haber observes that often such children seem to have a "neon sign" above their heads indicating that they are victims which bullies at another school will soon pick up upon. Of course, the same aspects of the youngster that rendered him or her a victim at the former school will remain with him or her, with the added onus of the child becoming the new kid at school.

Dr. Haber also reviews sample anti-bullying programs that have been instituted at various schools and contributes recommendations. I particularly appreciated his point of increasing monitoring, including hidden cameras, of areas within the school environment that tend to be less well supervised, such as hallways, lunch rooms and school buses. Holding schools accountable to provide safe atmospheres in which children can function and learn without fear of harassment is an approach I wholeheartedly endorse, along with approaches that work with youngsters directly.

I do not prefer to address the issue of school bullying as one based upon morality. What is the point of attempting to argue morality with school sadists and their parents? Instead, I prefer to view the issue as a contractual one. School professionals are well paid to deliver a service, and they have a legal obligation to fulfill their end of that contract with parents who are paying for their services with taxes or tuition.

The only area of disagreement I have with Dr. Haber's philosophy as recounted within his book is the same one I have with most anti-bullying experts. I hold that true bullying only encompasses acts of commission and not acts of omission. I do not consider social exclusion to be an act of bullying, though certainly spreading false rumors about a youngster is an act of commission. I simply argue for a child's right to be left alone if he or she is acting likewise towards others.

Children have the same right of free association as do adults, and it is up to each person, adult or child, to navigate his or her way through the social environment. Each person must learn that self-esteem must never be dependent on the attitudes of others towards one's self. It is the height of foolishness to peg one's sense of self-worth to that which one cannot control.

Other than that point, I am in full agreement with Dr. Haber's views as expressed in his book, and I unreservedly recommend it to all parents and educators as the best work on the subject I have yet encountered. Dr. Haber possess a perceptive grasp of child psychology and has used his years of experience within the field to produce a book that could well make a profound difference in the lives of school kids and their parents alike.

In addition to school bullying, Dr. Haber's book tackles other areas of bullying that are beyond the scope of my website, though might well be of great interest to parents of kids in such environments as sports teams and camps.

Although I do not sell anything at all on my website, and have absolutely no association with Dr. Haber or his book, I am so impressed with this landmark educational work regarding school bullying that I refer my readers to its Amazon page where it may be purchased.

As Dr. Haber points out, adults usually have the option of simply avoiding unpleasant people. All too often, kids feel trapped within a poisonous atmosphere. That is exactly how I felt, particularly while in the sixth grade. I felt like I was trapped in a cage with wild animals conducted by a sadistic ringmaster ("Sister Mary Peter"). For such youngsters' sake, investigate this book which just might save some child's very life.

Donald Schneider
Author of "Pride's Prison"

Thank you Dr. Haber! Thank you for this helpful informative book. I could not recommend it more highly for parents and teachers. We are all touched by bullying at some level. This book is a useful aid no matter your vantage point. From the first page I was amazed at just how much I didn't know and hadn't thought of. The best part-the book is readable, not a textbook or a dry manual. But a book that talks in plain language and really does give useable suggestions. You helped me and my children. Thank you

This is a great, easy to read guide to helping your kid with any bullying issue. I liked Dr. Haber's analysis of the core issues behind bullying which, as it turns out, are the keys to stopping the behavior. I would highly recommend the book.

Seriously, did you know today's bullies have high self esteem but often lack empathy? This is why they feel "better" after they put someone down. From discussing the three major types of bullying (verbal, physical and relational) to listing the methods used including cyber bullying (the use of modern day technology to execute any or all of the above methods of bullying s/a text messages, internet and you tube to actually broadcast bullying episodes to a much larger audience while the perpetrators remain anonymous.)

Author Joel Haber, (along with Jenna Glatzer) helps parents and anyone in constant contact with children decipher the reasons bullying is so prevalent in our schools and what we can do about it. He discusses prevention and awareness in many situations including how aggression and competition in sports encourages bullying. He discusses the importance of helping children become accepting of adversity (s/a special needs children.) Haber also lists signs a child is being bullied and the importance of talking to your child whether he/she is a target of the bully or the actual bully.

This book with chapter titles s/a The Bullyproofing Prescription or Bullying in Sports/School/Camp/Cyberworld offers a straightforward approach to effectively dealing with one of our nation's most degrading crimes occuring in our schools everyday. This book serves as an eye opener to any parent or school service provider.

We can't let bullying be ignored.

This book is one of the best.
Opens new perspectives to understanding of bullying.
Very helpfull and practical.
Thanks to the author. Great work.

Dr. Haber first came to the school district where I work as an Occupational Therapist and made a big impact with his "ABC" bully proof strategies. It is wonderful to now have such an easy read with sensible strategies that both parents and teaching professionals can benefit from. Most everyone has experienced bullying on some level. Awareness and understanding are at the forefront of how to deflect and protect oneself or one's child from the harsh effects of bullying. Thank you for your compassion and well thought out support Dr. Haber!

This book is very well written in simple English and is something that all parents and teachers should try to read. So much of it is pure common sense which is so often overlooked when dealing with bullying among children.

This is a worthwile book for those who care about their children, and how to deal with the potential bullies that their children will face in life.

Well written and easy to read, it makes for a good gift for close friends and family.

I'm only sorry that it stopped before it got to adult bullies!

This book was great especially with the cyberbullying and whether kids ought to have cell phones or use social networking. It mentions briefly the issue of special needs kids but it does not address gifted children and the issue of race. I think after 9/11 it is critical to discuss this. I never thought my children would have to deal with this since I never did as a child but boy have times changed. Will this be an issue forever?