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But He'll Change: End the Thinking That Keeps You in an Abusive Relationship Paperback – February 1, 2010


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Frequently Bought Together

But He'll Change: End the Thinking That Keeps You in an Abusive Relationship + Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men + Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can--and Should--be Saved
Price for all three: $32.55

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Product Details

  • Paperback: 248 pages
  • Publisher: Hazelden; 1 edition (February 1, 2010)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 159285818X
  • ISBN-13: 978-1592858187
  • Product Dimensions: 9 x 6 x 0.6 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 14.4 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (17 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #576,803 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Editorial Reviews

About the Author

Joanna V. Hunter is a popular speaker, volunteer, and trainer on domestic violence who works with victims and those who serve them. She is the author of But He'll Change: End the Thinking That Keeps You in an Abusive Relationship. Her work is informed by her experience as a survivor of abuse.

More About the Author

I am the author of: But He'll Change: End the Thinking That Keeps You in an Abusive Relationship, published by Hazelden. But He'll Change received a 2010 silver Nautilus Book Award.

You can hear my interview on The Kathleen Show by going to: http://www.thekathleenshow.com/2010/05/09/joanna-v-hunter/

My abusive relationship lasted for almost 20 years. During that time my abuser used tactics to isolate me, instill fear, and hook my emotions to keep me in the relationship. I left that relationship, feeling that I didn't know who I was or what I liked and needed. I didn't know what healthy thinking was. There were no books that addressed what I wanted to know. So, I wrote one.

Whether you leave or stay in your relationship, But He'll Change can help you recognize the truth amid the chaos your partner creates to keep you hyper-vigilant and focused on him. Then you can make the best decision for yourself and, if applicable, your children. You can heal after abuse and move on to the life you've always wanted.

Since 2001, through my area shelter, I have been a speaker on domestic violence (DV) in communities and schools, and trained medical personnel how to screen patients for DV and help victims.

Contact me on Facebook: Joanna V Hunter
Follow my tweets: @hunterjv
Visit my blog: www.peoplewhodeservehappiness.blogspot.com

Customer Reviews

4.5 out of 5 stars
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I hope and wish the same for you!
Amazon Customer
This is a great book to read or to give to a friend who may be in an abusive relationship.
ex10eseevol
I cried listening to the podcast, and promptly ordered myself the book.
coomassie

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

21 of 21 people found the following review helpful By Amazon Customer on February 6, 2011
Format: Paperback
It is amazing that one book could do so much! What makes this book so extraordinary is that it is written by a survivor, so a great deal of confusing jargon is missing. Hunter gets to the core issues as to how women can change their thinking so they can get themselves out of these situations. The sad part is that so many women are in these situations and DON'T even realize it. They have come to think that how they are treated is normal behavior. However, when you start reading some of the excuses women use to stay stuck you realize that these women are not women who like being mistreated, rather they are women who don't realize they ARE being mistreated, or believe that they don't deserve better, or believe that his treatment is not that bad.

Since Amazon is so wonderful that it lets you flip through the book online see some of the excuses that women use, the correct beliefs that Hunter offers, and the exercises and reflection questions that she poses at the end of each mini chapter that women could work on in order to start correcting their thinking.

The good of the world DOES begin with the good of the individual. And while YOU may not be in an abusive relationship now or will never be one, you are very likely to know someone who is. Currently, statistics say that 52% of women in the US will experience physical or sexual violence in their lives. So while that is not ALL women it is more than half, and if you have sisters, girlfriends, cousins, aunts, grandmothers, mothers, godmothers, and friends you are very likely to know one that has been or might experience such abuse.

This book is a great resource for the others who are watching a woman going through this situation.
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16 of 16 people found the following review helpful By Survivor on July 12, 2011
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
It's full of the lies you've accepted as truths as your relationship progressed. Every chapter is full of "Yes, but..." lies we all tell ourselves. We know they're not true, but we seem to be creatures of habit, and if you are still in contact with him, he's doing everything he can to enforce his reality - the lies.

It's even more full of the truth. The real truth. The truth we need to hear. The truth you've been blamed, yelled, forced, humiliated, (etc.) to deny to your own self. It is common sense. It is the truth that will set you free.

The book says that 37% of US women live in emotionally abusive relationships. The book is full of "issues to explore." It gives you excellent questions to ponder and journal about to help your healing, maybe gain some insights too. The truths are wonderful affirmations to glance back over. He took a long time brainwashing you and probably did a pretty good job! Some of his reality just became engrained in you and you'll need to keep reminding yourself most of what he said was lies. These truths and issues are worth looking over and remembering as you work so hard to heal, to reclaim your self -- your true self.

Glad it's in my library. I review the truths as a reality check. Just to make sure I'm not slipping backwards into his warped reality.
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14 of 15 people found the following review helpful By Betsy Johnson on April 24, 2010
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
Wonderful description of a healthy relationship early on in this book. Nicely organized and a wake-up call for those who think name calling, emotional abuse, "a tap" are "no big deal". Give this to your friends, daughters, family members and help spread the word that calling abuse what it is early on may just save a life in these days when it seems women and children are being murdered almost daily !!!

This books is written by someone who experienced spousal abuse; who had children to consider, who struggled with religion issues. She's a very "real" woman. Plus there's a nice flow to her writing.. one doesn't get overwhelmed and it's easy to read, put down and revisit.

I am a "licensed batterer treatment provider" and have read widely in this genre... thank you so much for the book, the blog, your website and the interviews in the back of the book... exceptional interviews with professionals in the field of domestic violence
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10 of 10 people found the following review helpful By Branchie on November 27, 2010
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
As a counselor and advocate for victims of domestic violence, this is one book that most of my clients can identify with. I only purchased one copy, and it is being passed around among the participants of my support group. Anyone who is currently in an abusive relationship, or anyone who wants to learn about the dynamics that keep victims locked to partners who abuse them should read this book.
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4 of 4 people found the following review helpful By coomassie on July 24, 2011
Format: Paperback
I heard about this book on "The Kathleen Show" podcast interview with the author. I cried listening to the podcast, and promptly ordered myself the book. This book helped me to talk myself down from the irrational thought patterns I had developed during my relationship. Now that I have ended the relationship, I still turn to this book to help deal with the guilt and shame that I have yet to conquer. Thank you, Joanna, for writing this book.
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3 of 3 people found the following review helpful By Maxine Browne on August 30, 2013
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
This book accurately depicts the thought process of someone who is struggling with their own conflicting thoughts and feelings as they come to terms with living with abuse. Each little section begins with "Yes, but..." I remember those same words coming out of my own mouth as I tried to make excuses for the inexcusable. I left my abuser about nine years ago.

What a great tool for someone still trying to make sense of it all. Give this book as a gift to someone in an abusive relationship. It would be extremely helpful to them.
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