23 of 23 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
For adolescent girls -- and all of us who love them, September 19, 2000
Somewhere along the line, the unacceptable became de rigueur. In a reality that's far different from the innocent, endearing pictures we may have about adolescent love, an alarming number of teen girls paint pictures of "love" that include jealousy, verbal abuse, and forceful - even violent - physical encounters. Yet, when they're asked to confront the uncomfortable, unacceptable nature of their relationships, these girls wail in protest, "But I love him!"
In this book, Dr. Jill Murray begins with the assertion that love is a behavior. She outlines and describes dating behaviors that are intentional acts of power and control - the hallmarks of an abusive relationship. In contrast, she also provides descriptions and examples of healthy, loving relationship - one with equality at its core.
Against this backdrop, Dr. Murray provides a practical guide for protecting our teen daughters from unhealthy, abusive relationships. The reader learns how to identify abusive behaviors and potential abusers; importantly, s/he will also discover the traits and family backgrounds that can put an adolescent girl at higher risk for entering abusive relationships. For the concerned parent whose daughter (or son) is in an abusive relationship, Dr. Murray offers a wealth of ideas and resources for intervention. In short, this book offers sound advice for those of us who want to help our adolescent girls take back the personal power and the control that they may have given over to their abusive boyfriends.
While this book is written primarily for concerned parents, it holds practical value for social workers, teachers, and practitioners who work with adolescent girls and their romantic partners.
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27 of 28 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
First Time A Victim, Second Time You Volunteered, May 5, 2003
This review is from: But I Love Him: Protecting Your Teen Daughter from Controlling, Abusive Dating Relationships (Paperback)
Before I tell people who I meet that my life mission is to guide women and girls to earn trust in themselves, I often have the privilege of being asked relationship or mother/daughter questions by girls between the ages of 14 and 21.
With the comments that I've heard, lately, I feel compelled to review this excellent book, in hopes that those whom I haven't spoken to find something in both this review, and in Dr. Murray's book, to guide them to earn trust in themselves.
To earn trust in themselves does require you to accept the reality of now, and to admit what you may have up to now not admitted (If you have trouble doing this, this admission is a great beginning).
Let's start with what makes abusive relationships different from teen girls, versus women who are much older.
With teen girls the priorities are:
1. Peer approval (this is usually about image, not reality)
2. Gender-role expectations (some girls are taught that
having a boyfriend is analogous to being lovable)
3. Lack of experience (as a teen, you are trying to work out a
life that hasn't been lived)
4. Little contact with adult resources (with mother's feeling
threatened by their daughter's youth, many daughters have
difficulty finding role models)
5. Less access to societal resources (most require parental
involvement)
6. Less access to the legal leverage (the laws assume that the
daughter doesn't need this support)
7. She fantasizes about who he could be, with her help
(See, "The Princess Who Believes in Fairy Tales")
8. Once in the relationship, she decides that she can't get
out of it, even if she wanted to (See, "My Mother/Myself)
9. She doesn't know that both of them are willing participants
in the struggle to be with someone, while avoiding their
fear of recreating their past dramas (See, "Narcissim")
10. Unspoken social pressure has taught her to avoid herself,
that is avoid being visible to other girls, by going out of
her way to make a guy her project (See, "101 Lies Men Tell
Women: And Why Women Believe Them")
For the older women, the challenge is:
1. Social pressure to prove that she is a woman, as defined by the "invisible woman out there"
2. Financial needs
3. Blaming her inadequacies (imagined or real
4. Her decision that her needs are too great
5. Domestic Violence professional's expect her to experience
this again, at least 7 times, before she will be free, or
dead
This is a wonder book, written for parents, but certainly good for young girls to also read.
What I did not see in this book is something that I have seen again and again from those who are abused is that in the moment that the abuser attacks the girl's worthiness, what she does is choke off her own breathing. This causes her to cut off her thoughts. This also causes her punish herself for the idea of her being angry at what he is doing to her.
For all the teen girls who think that his jealousy, possessiveness, manipulation, or attempts to isolate you from being close to others is cute, or loving you, I invite you to assert these 5 statements, with unwavering conviction,each time you experience his jealousy, possessivesness, manipulation, or attempts to isolate you:
1. I don't like what is happening to me.
2. There is something here that does violence to me.
3. I deserve better than this.
4. I can do something about this.
5. I will do something about this, now.
6. I will not allow this to happen to me, again.
Besides these statements, and reading this book, I invite teen girls and women to stop asking yourselves, "Why does he act this way?"
When you spend time asking questions about why he is treating you terribly, you make his problems into being your responsibility. And this means that you will be trapped into believing that you are inadequate, because you cannot control his self-concept. You can, however, influence the boy/man's behavior, by reading books like Dr. Murray's book, as you make the commitment to love yourself.
By reading a book like this one, and truly making the commitment to master the lessons in this book, you will make sure that less girls and women are abused, because when the lessons of this book become part of your core identity, you will recognize the signs of abuse; you will speak up for yourself, in the present moment; you will congruently tell the guy that his issues are not your issues; and you will show him that not every female is willing to pity his unwillingness to face his fear of his fears - and the world will change.
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