Chapter One: We're in Love! We're Engaged! (Now What Do We Do?)
Was it love at first sight? Or was it one of those delicious slow-building romances where each of you secretly kept an eye on the other, wondering if the feeling was mutual, until the day you both realized that it was foolish to wait any longer? However it happened, you fell in love with each other, and nothing will ever be the same. Suddenly it all makes sense: that's why we're here. That's what all those people are singing about. No longer content merely to clock time here on planet Earth, the two of you discovered each other, and it's starting to seem like things happen for a reason.
Then, you got engaged, and perhaps that was the most romantic moment of your life so far. You made a promise that some time in the near future you'll exchange vows and make permanent the best thing that's happened to either of you. It's a simple decision with profound implications for both of you. There's a new constant in your lives: no matter what happens, you'll be there for each other. You'll celebrate the good times together and you'll shore each other up during the not-so-good times; you'll witness the marvels of the new millennium with someone you love; and from this day forward until the end of time, you'll be able take full advantage of every one of those buy-one, get-one-free offers ("at participating locations"). Yes, marriage is a wonderful thing.
Planning the Wedding:
A Preview of Your Life Together
After falling in love and getting engaged, there's just one remaining obstacle before marriage -- the wedding. Before diving into the next couple of hundred pages explaining the occasionally obsessive minutiae of wedding planning (e.g., half-leaded crystal or fully leaded crystal -- page 6) take a moment to understand the important distinction between your wedding and your marriage. Your marriage should ideally last many, many years, during which the two of you will grow older, wiser, and closer together. Much if not most of what will happen cannot be predicted, and it's an article of faith that whatever comes your way the two of you will face together.
Your wedding, on the other hand, will last one day. Even including the dinners, showers, and receptions surrounding a big wedding, we're talking maybe a couple of weeks, max. (Unless you're a crowned head of state, in which case you don't really need this book, do you? Just go ask the royal advisors for help.) This book is designed to help both of you make the time spent planning your wedding as memorable and enjoyable as possible. It's meant to help you learn wedding traditions, old and new, so that you may choose those elements you wish to include and ignore or modify those you don't.
This book is also meant to help both of you keep the wedding in proper perspective. No matter how lavish or "perfect" a wedding appears, it will be a failure if the bride and groom have become estranged from each other. A certain level of spirited argument is a fine thing, but at the end of every day during this period you should kiss and make up. Many unnecessary fights are fought by couples striving to create an unrealistically fancy wedding based on something they saw on television or read in a book.
The time spent planning a wedding together is a good trial run for your marriage. When unexpected problems arise, you'll solve them together. You'll have moments when you disagree on which direction to take or which choice to make about the wedding, but you can learn how to negotiate and compromise to arrive at a decision satisfactory to both of you. Planning a wedding, you'll run a gauntlet that sets the two of you against challenges in a variety of fields -- families, friends, the law, religion, money -- and you'll use virtually every important life skill that can't be taught in schools.
The Art of Negotiation:
Getting Married Without Breaking Up
Before you bought this book, chances are you discussed some of the decisions ahead of you. Maybe you even disagreed. Perhaps one of you wanted a big wedding and the other wanted a small one. Maybe there was a debate (not an argument! It wasn't an argument!) about where to hold the wedding: his town or hers? Church or courthouse? Religious, civil, or both? If so, you are the first couple ever in the history of mankind to have disagreements while planning a wedding. It has never happened before; all the people you know who are married were in perfect harmony about every choice and their families and friends backed them 110 percent, never pressuring them or advancing their own agendas.
Okay, that's not entirely true. Some couples may have had one or two disagreements along the way. There was this couple over in Iowa who had three disagreements, but let's not talk about them.
Just kidding. Disagreements are what make life interesting. Most couples actually have lots of little disagreements during the planning of a wedding, and even more during their marriage. The surprising thing is the incredible variety of subjects over which disagreements can arise. For example, three weeks before getting engaged, chances are neither of you knew what engraved printing was, and now you have to decide whether it's worth paying extra for.
So, how do you handle these disputes? Negotiation. As long as you understand in advance that there'll be some disagreements (okay, lots of 'em) and you both promise to fight fair, there's no reason why any single dispute or even a long and tedious series of disagreements should rock the boat. Just agree to some ground rules:
1. Argue only about the subject you're arguing about. If you start off in a debate about the relative virtues of a five-piece band versus a disc jockey, it is against the rules to launch into a general discussion about how one of you is a tightwad and the other a spendthrift. Nor is it permissible to switch into a discussion about how if we didn't pay for those &¼@! engraved invitations we'd be able to afford the five-piece band.
2. Promise not to dig in your heels on subjects you don't care about. This sounds obvious, but at the end of a long day of wedding planning, one or the other of you might feel the need to take a stand on a subject that if you thought about it, you really have no opinion on one way or the other. Engraving, for example.
3. Remember that either way the decision goes, you both still win. You can have an all-kazoo orchestra, a minister with halitosis, a reception packed to overflowing with ex-cons and politicians, food from a school cafeteria, and a limo that smells like formaldehyde and at the end of the wedding day you'll still be married -- which is, after all, the goal.
4. Spend a little time every day talking to each other about something other than the wedding. Sometimes, you can lose sight of the forest for the trees. Two minutes is all it takes to remind yourself that you still love each other -- it's just the wedding that's driving you crazy if you can't think of something, try one of these: "You look great today!" or "How many food groups are represented on a pizza?" or even "Ever notice how both Star Trek captains are bald but only one wears a rug?"
All right then. Now that you know how to argue, it's time to get to the subject at hand. You've got about a thousand decisions between "Will you marry me?" and "I do." A little information will help you make the right choices most of the time, and a good attitude will tide you over during the few times you make the wrong ones. Enough self-esteem jibber-jabber and goofy jokes. You have a wedding to plan.
Copyright © 1999 by Michael Perry
