Customer Reviews

Calling It Quits: Late-Life Divorce and Starting Over

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The timing of the publication of Calling it Quits was auspicious for me. In January of '06 I said to myself, "You're 66 years old. Do you want to spend whatever time you have left with somebody who is always pissed?" The answer was "No." I filed for divorce and after 49 years and 4 days I regained control of my life. About a month after the final decree, Calling It Quits had a small mention in AARP Magazine. The book didn't have all the answers to my "What now?" questions, but it did help me realize that I was not unique. My story, with slight variations, was told on every page. And, like misery, newly discovered happiness and relief love company.

I am almost finished reading this book, after a friend who is divorcing after thirty years of marriage recommended it to me. I am not married and am not getting divorced, but I was fascinated by the book anyway.

The main lesson I took from the many stories in the book is that the richer the man is that you're married to, the more you are likely to get screwed in the marriage and in the divorce. The CEOs come across as the worst possible men to be married to, and also the worst to get divorced from. They have multiple affairs and lie about them, and they hide assets, and they do this to serial wives.

The most shocking thing I learned from this book is that many judges and lawyers, even female ones, have very little respect for women who have been homemakers most of their lives. They call these women "pet rocks." I am serious. Never mind that some of them probably have mothers of their own who weren't full-time career women. Ex-husbands who are looking forward to a comfortable retirement think that their wives can retrain and start working in their mid-seventies! And sometimes they get lawyers and judges to agree with them! One of my friends worked at a low-wage job and raised her children for years. When she got divorced, the judge decided that she could be "rehabilitated" (his words), as if she was a felon. This meant that she could be trained for higher wage work and therefore did not deserve much in the way of support from her ex-husband. Now she's a teacher, a barely middle-class job nowadays.

The sad truth seems to be that raising children well by hand one at a time is never going to get you any respect or gratitude, even from people who say they think that children need a mom at home. Our culture only respects hyper individualism, me-first greed, and capitalism run amok.

This is not to say that old women shouldn't get divorced. They should. My point is that we should change our public policy so that homemaking and childrearing get some respect, in the form of wages and benefits. The other possibility is that we should stop doing it until we got some respect, wages, and benefits.

It's quite true that Bair offers no nostrums for late-life divorces that shock adult children and other family members or friends. It's equally true that reading these stories if you're looking at a (very long) retirement with someone you have little in common with is to touch base with a personal reality NEVER otherwise discussed in mainstream media. You'll never see 75-year-old women on Oprah who want out of very long marriages but they definitely exist.

It's no mystery why. Men retire from a *job*, usually with a whole set of fantasies about their future, but women are not allowed to retire from taking care of men and houses because it's not "real work." The only way to "quit" is to separate and ultimately divorce.

Don't think Grandma might want to dump Grandpa? Read this book!

I read a review about the book when it came out and had to get my hands on a copy. My parents were planning on getting a divorce after thirty years of marriage. I tried to find a book about adult children of divorce, but couldn't find anything at the time. I bought this book because it had info about ACOD. The interviews gave me insight as to what my parents might have felt and what led them to getting a divorce. I believe it could have been better, if it had more analysis. Bier is not a psychologist, so I felt like she could have pressed her subjects for more info and a deeper insight to their actions. I did feel that it was a well researched book.
When I bought this book, I also came across another book that was helpful, The Way They Were. That book specifically deals with ACOD. It's a must read for the children as well as the parents who are affected by later life divorce.

Really covered the issues and emotions involved - from both male and female perspectives - in making the decision to leave a long marriage. The interview format of the book was well-organized, and allowed it to be both authentic and an interesting read.

Very helpful book - helps explain reasons for this cultural change in our society. Also gives very good coping tips for those *left behind*. Very correct description of adult children's "devastation".

most insight ful part for a partner being dumped is the notion that it is hopeless; and the other partner had planned it. REALITY Check for those of us nursing broken hearts. tiaotse