Customer Reviews

Why Can't I Fall in Love? A 12-Step Program

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Author Shmuley Boteach creates a much needed and long overdue "user friendly" guide for singles caught in the often frustrating and unpredictable maelstrom known as the dating world.

By extending compassion and offering tools for honest self-examination, Boteach takes the reader on a witty and yet serious journey into the necessary introspection required for every single who is serious about finding a soul mate. The author is never stuffy or preachy but always extremely down to earth. Clearly an amazingly experienced and reputed relationship expert, Boteach writes confidently, with a distinctive and deserved authority. Without apology, he brazenly addresses the issues at hand, incorporating a no nonsense approach, going straight to the heart of the dating matter. He evidently has an uncanny understanding of the pitfalls associated with dating as mere sport and how many singles unconsciously get caught in a cycle of self-pity leading to inevitable self-defeat.

Being single myself and considering the observably downtrodden and discouraged state of many of my single contemporaries, I found this book to be extremely practical and generously offering surprisingly sound advice rather than just expounding upon the lamenting title, "Why Can't I Fall in Love?" In purchasing this book, I was at first rather tentative. The title deceptively fooled me into believing that it was a book in which I would find my self diagnosed among those singles now labeled as, "helpless and hopeless." Much to the contrary, I have come away with a book which I am now reading for the second time, wanting to further absorb it's remarkable tenets. Many other singles have shared with me their using, "Why Can't I Fall in Love?" as a reference guide for deciphering the baffling world of their emotions as single men and women.

Considering the self-admitted, quasi-closet-dysfunctional state of many singles, the book is ingeniously written in classic, "Twelve Step" format. Once the challenging quizzes throughout and adventurous exercises are completed, poor and addictive dating habits are no longer viable and productive healing is offered as in any other "Twelve Step Program." The reader is now able to understand common dating myths and albeit reluctantly, also identify with the hidden fears which plague many singles. Through this thought-training process, Boteach paradoxically creates a greater vulnerability in the heart of a single person as he prepares them for big event, the pursuit of real love.

"Why Can't I Fall in Love" is similar to Boteach's previous and not surprisingly, bestseller, "Kosher Sex." Both works reflect Boteach's profound commitment to romantic love as key to reaching the highest state of human happiness. The difference in these two works is that this new manual for finding love will appeal to a much larger reading audience as it is comprised of the rising numbers of those marrying later and those suddenly divorced and finding themselves back in the field. My only critique is that this book should have anteceded "Kosher Sex" in laying the groundwork for the foundations of the ultimate goal which is of course, unbreakable monogamy.

Despite the change in the dating scene in the past few decades, the author addresses those very dynamics, all the while maintaining the fundamental principles of dating and marriage, thus preventing the book itself from ever becoming "dated." With Boteach's gift of storytelling and matchless wit, the reader becomes so relaxed that they suddenly feel as if they are in private and on going counseling sessions, being given free of charge.

Boteach has saved the day here for wayward singles. "Why Can't I Fall in Love?" offers a map to navigate the fearful and unchartered course towards finding a soul mate. Boteach's merciless call to honesty, challenges even the most hardened skeptic about the deep and abiding human need for romantic love. The value of his insights for lonely and searching singles cannot be overstated.

To say that this book is a "must have" for every single is rather cliche' and yet "mandatory" is even more apropos. "Why Can't I Fall in Love?, A 12-step program, is truly an invaluable tool for healing, survival and ultimately prospering, in the quest for true love.

This book was such a pleasure to read! Once I picked up, "Why Can't I Fall in Love," I couldn't put it down! This book made me laugh while seriously wanting to face the stagnant state of my singlehood. As each compelling chapter unfolded, I began understanding the common mistakes singles make which lead to an inevitable downward spiral straight into the dating doldrums.

Shmuley Boteach guides and leads you beyond the myths and the delusions, into an Eden of new thinking. Boteach also impressively "practices what he preaches," Clearly a serious family man, and unashamedly still in love with his wife of many years, the reader starts to realize that this author must have some secret and thankfully, he more than gladly shares it. I was also impressed by his respect for women which is extremely profound and so welcome in a society where women still often tend to be viewed as mere sex-objects.

Although the author's reputation as a controversial figure often precedes him, give him his due, Boteach knows relationship and love like no other author on the market. His penchant for complacency is never to be taken seriously as it is always in the name of humor and is offset by the humility found in his endearing, and when required, self-deprecating style. I'm convinced that through this extraordinary book, the average, lovelorn single could even find a way to meet someone despite being stranded alone on a desert island! I have personally applied his innovative yet simple concepts and have finally found the relationship I have always been in search of! Without this book and it's stimulating and enriching "love lessons," I would certainly still be alone. S. Boteach ventures out with such concern for the lonely at heart that you can't come away without being moved and transformed. For those of any age who dread remaining terminally single, "Why Can't I Fall in Love" has the cure!

I have to agree with many of the other reviewers...this was a provoking book. Rabbi Boteach's humor makes this rather insightful and "heavy" book an easier read. His focus on relationships as something sacred is refreshing...the idea that you are on your search for your "true love," rather than just "dating."

WOW!! "Why Can't I Fall in Love? A 12-Step Program," is THE book that every single needs along with food and water! As a single person myself, who has been "looking for love in all the wrong places," I finally have an understanding of exactly what I have been doing wrong. I never realized how many negative and close-minded thought patterns were preventing me from meeting the right person! The author sets out on a brave and reckless rescue mission here, intending to right the many wrongs made by dating singles and thus saving them from a doomed and lonely existence. Risking it all, Boteach dives in and addresses issues you would never think of and offers solutions that you wish you had. Shmuley Boteach has outdone even himself this time with another sure best-seller. This new book showcases his ablity to understand singles and their problems, like no other relationship "expert" out there today. Enough of books on "rules" and gimmicks, Boteach's sane and sensible approach is what has earned him the reputation as "The Love Prophet." In this book, he reigns supreme and holds onto that title on every page. Every single searching for love needs to take this 12-Step challenge! This is a life-changing book for sure. Highly Recommended!

I probably read a copy of a different edition. Nonetheless, I bought the book because I had been asking myself the same question.

If you're looking for some possible answers to the question yourself, bear with his preaching. Some truths are indeed hard to swallow. Yes, I laughed a lot at myself reading his sharp bullets. And he's funny too. The author provides simple, direct, and unpopular suggestions. Take it or leave it. I got tired with some of the ideas presented repetitively, but it's probably for emphasis.

A bit orthodox, of course. But definitely a must read for people who are wondering about the same thing. You never know what you'll discover. Sometimes his points echoed in my mind just when I was looking for something. I kept the book for reference when in need!

While much of what Boteach has to say is very true and relevant for serial daters he off handedly mentions the "quiet guy" or the "shy girl" who are on the sidelines of the dating scene. However, very little in his book applies to these individuals or would help them find love. They are often not commitment phobic, they are often not searching for flaws where there are none, they are simply never asked, or often turned down. Much of his advice could be useful to them if indeed they had someone to apply it with. Also, his notion of a "two date minimum" needs to have a better definition of "obvious exceptions"

The feeling of not being able to fall in love, is a common thing in contemporary societies - not to mention the many cases of where people 'force' themselves to fall in love, only to realize later on that the feeling of real love was not there. So many people today turn to counselling, to friends, or others, seeking advice from people and from books - from the classics to the new. Few would ever dream of seeking advice on this issue from a Hasidic rabbi. Yet, once again the unparalleled and unrivalled Shmuel Boteach, probably the world's most dynamic orthodox rabbi, offers the world his insights on this topic. In a style that is at the same time thoughtful and entertaining, deep yet easy-to-read and enjoyable, Boteach's book is a whole fantastic experience of inner-self discovery for the reader. It explores issues of crucial concern, suggesting answers and solutions, yet without imposing the reader's view. Shmuel Boteach's books on love and relationships, will very likely be down in history along those of Voltaire and Simone de Beauvoir. And at the age of 36, this is probably just the beginning for the Voltaire of the XXI century, Shmuel Boteach.

I have read some of Boteach's other books- namely Kosher Sex and Dating Secrets of the TEn Commandments, and I thought they were well argued, but this one really resonated with me. Boteach is right- we now treat love as a luxury, not as a necessity and that has profound implications on the health of our society. What I really liked about this book was the way that it articulated the differences in the way men and women think. My brother is a chronic bachelor and I gave him the book to read, and he said that it helped him focus on why he is not able to make any relationship last any longer than 3 months.I found this book funny and intelligently written, and I thoroughly reccomend it to anyone who is trying to navigate the minefields of the dating scene.

I recommend this book as a way to help single people look at things we can change in our lives to fall in love. The luxury/necessity thing that others have mentioned is a big insight, as is the "good enough" marriage -- although he says he disagrees with Fein/Schneider's "The Rules" there are a lot of similar recommendations between the two books; just with different underlying reasons. I'm sticking with "The Rules" but it was still a good read and I will look for his other books.

The thing to love about Shmuley Boteach's, "Why Can't I Fall in Love" is that it is a compilation of everything we've always thought about present day relationships/dating but never was able to put into words. Not writing just about what's wrong, Boteach provides realistic, sensable solutions to the issues that plague today's love-starved twenty- and thirty-somethings.

It is, in my opinion, a brutally truthful look at how we pursue relationships today in a world where so many men and women are literally looking for what they THINK is love, in all the wrong places, with usually warped and/or confused intentions. Boteach challenges his reader to examine and understand his or her own motivations and behaviours that lend to relationship/dating failures. He also prompts the reader to delve deep inside himself/herself to ask the question, "what kind of love do I need/want in my life?"

This book will be especially welcomed by Jewish singles, as he provides many supportive points that are derived from Judaism and Western religious history-- although he is definitely NOT preaching, just adding context that is relevant to understanding some presumed origins of human behavior.

My only criticism of this book is that Boteach skews his material more towards women than men -- which is unfortunate since, unlike most women, many men may feel more comfortable reading about how to understand/rectify their own personal relationship issues than talking about it with their male friends.