14 of 15 people found the following review helpful:
1.0 out of 5 stars
Oh dear!, January 23, 2000
This review is from: Caress of the Vampire -- Collector's Edition (DVD)
Yes - Oh dear! When I ordered this movie I thought it was just an "ordinary" vampire movie. It turned out to be a badly made movie that I guess is supposed be sexy that is about lesbian vampires! To make matters worse, amateurish cine work was accompanied by MONO sound! This movie doesn't even merit a zero star rating. My reccomendation -- give this one a miss. If you're after this type of subject, there's much better ones out there.
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10 of 10 people found the following review helpful:
1.0 out of 5 stars
A non-erotic, semi-vampiric non-movie, January 28, 2003
Not only is this movie amateurishly horrible, it's not even a movie in my book. Actual movies have plots and last longer than 46 minutes. Perhaps this is some type of deconstructionist film, rebelling against the idea of having an actual plot or hiring actors who actually know how to act. As the movie opens, we learn that a dangerous female vampire has come to earth in her spaceship. Two would-be "admirers" in a back alley soon wind up dead and drained of blood (although we don't get to see any of the actual bloodletting). Next we see a young divorcee moving into a new home (with director Bob Gonzo giving himself a completely unnecessary cameo appearance as "the landlord"). I found it quite humorous to see that all of her belongings had no trouble fitting into her little sports car. The vampire and her "close" roommate take an immediate interest in their new neighbor, but they spend most of the time rolling around on the bed together going out of their way to not be very erotic at all. Necks are licked and a few (but certainly not all) pieces of clothing are shed-this is the bulk of your lesbian vampire action right here, and it's barely even R rated activity. Eventually, the new neighbor is exposed to the seemingly hypnotic charms of our alien vampire lady, and that's about it. Two far from competent cops pop up a couple of times searching for the "vampire killer," but their scenes actually slow down a story that is already as sluggish as molasses in January.
There is almost no dialogue in this film, and the few spoken lines we do get are pretty obviously dubbed for some unknown reason. The acting is as wooden as the vampire-killing stakes you might find in other vampire movies (but not in this one). About 90% of this short movie consists of repetitive shots of women caressing each other to the accompaniment of very bad music. The only good thing I can say about this movie is that the vampires' fangs were pretty impressive; it's too bad we didn't get to really see them in action on some poor slob's neck-the bloodletting, like the eroticism, is assumed but never made explicit. The only possible reason you would have for watching this movie is a love of vampirism in all its forms-even then, you will be disappointed. Caress of the Vampire is worth no one's time or money.
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7 of 7 people found the following review helpful:
2.0 out of 5 stars
If you enjoy going to strip clubs, then you'll like Caress., June 6, 1999
By A Customer
You know, I watch these independent movies at an alarming rate, hoping to find that diamond in the rough but, to quote that great thinker Charles McGrail, "Do you know how many tons of coal it takes to make a diamond?" Well, throw this one into the coal bucket.
Even if "Caress of the Vampire" is depleting our natural coal resources, there are a couple good things about this movie when it comes to nature: 1) they didn't have to kill too many trees to make the paper on which the script was written - they could have written it on one side of an index card; and 2) no animals were killed in the making of the costumes.
But seriously, folks...badump bump...these movie-makers know their craft...and their audience. The mechanics and technical aspects of this movie are way above average. It is well lit, the editing is way above average (even if some of the scenes come out of nowhere), the sound mix is good (even if the synching of the dialog is off at times, at least you can hear everything), the camera work is...interesting (a lot of smooth, swaying camera moves) and the acting - what little there is - is passable. The transfer and film-look is also very clean.
What I DON'T understand is, if you are going to make a movie about lesbian vampires from outer space, shouldn't the lesbian vampires from outer space actually be lesbian vampires from outer space? As I've said in other reviews, I personally don't understand the attraction guys have to watching women go at it with each other, but if that's the premise, then show it. There seems to have been painstaking efforts taken to NOT have the women kiss each other...there is plenty of "artsy" camera movement and rubbing (mostly parts of the body that are not normally considered erotic) but, and I paid close attention, there is not ONE kiss! We see the lesbian vampires from outer space rolling around each other on a bed and "caressing" each other, but nothing more. There is also a scene where one of the lesbian vampires from outer space does a strip tease/lap dance for a guy (this is one of those scenes that just happens - we don't know who the guy is or where he came from and we don't see him after she finishes) and then it hit me - this entire movie is a tease! It looks and sounds great, but there's really nothing there.
Oh, there's some plot about these two bumbling cops who are trying to find the lesbian vampires from outer space, but they could have eliminated their characters because I'm sure whoever buys this movie will be fast forwarding through their on-screen appearances anyway (but I have to admit, their acting was fairly good).
To wrap this up, if you enjoy going to strip clubs, then you will probably like this movie. If they had gone a little further with the sexual aspects, it could have been a porno from the early 80s (you know, "Here are your groceries, ma'am." "But I have no money." "Don't worry, we'll think of something," then 75 minutes of biological close-ups). Although, I must say, their new neighbor is worth the price of admission. You'll think twice about preparing your dinner on the counter after watching her.
There are just a couple more real quick points. I haven't referred to the actors by name...mainly because I don't know who played who! Some of the credits on the box are different than the credits on the movie. I know one of the women is Paige Turner (a name second only to Tromeo and an homage to those great xxx actresses from years past, such as Joy Bang, Cherrie Blossoms and the rest, perhaps?) but her name is not in on-screen credits. They also don't acknowledge who played what part. Also, the music sounds suspiciously like that of the band Enigma...you be the judge.
It's difficult to give this movie a rating. For what it is trying to do, I commend the movie-makers. As I said, it looks great and there is no absence of nekkedness, but there is virtually no plot or story. But, hey, sometimes that stuff just gets in the way!
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