Customer Reviews

Carnivorous [Blu-ray]

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There are bad movies like House of the Dead, and then there are BAD movies like Baseline Killer. Then there's Carnivorous, a low budget CGI-infested monster movie with a dull story, a lousy script and some horrendous acting. This is the kind of movie that would make Orson Wells cry. This Sci-Fi channel reject has to do with a giant snake that eats people... and an alligator head. Does any of this make sense at all? It was weird enough just watching the damn thing. I started to make judgments once the opening credits came up. On the title screen, it doesn't just say Carnivorous; on top of the title, DMX's name is there. So let me get this straight. Is the movie called DMX Carnivorous or does DMX play the monster? Now that's just confusing. All right I admit I'm just nit picking here. It's hard not to when a movie is this bad.

We open up with a kid alone in his room drawing pictures. Across the hall he can hear his parents fighting in the living room. The dad is obviously drunk and threatens to hurt the mom. When he tries to go into his son's room, he sees that the kid has fled through the window. The kid goes to his friend's house and they both decide to commit burglary. The kid ends up stealing this weird artifact that looks like a giant pencil with an alligator head tip. He uses this artifact to draw his next picture. What he ends up drawing is a snake, and it miraculously comes to life and eats the father. We flash forward years later and the kid is grown up and married. Sadly, he loses his wife in a hit and run accident in which a group of dumb kids (who just so happen to be on a camping trip) run her over without noticing.

So as you can imagine, the guy plots his revenge by summoning the monster again to get rid of the ones responsible for his wife's death. The main group of characters are obnoxious idiots who deserve everything bad that awaits them. They're lousy and uninspired characters. The group consists of two meat-heads, a nerd, a slut and a quiet yet attractive woman. I think the quiet one is the smartest of the bunch, and that's still not saying much. The other characters are generic property. It's lazy writing at its finest. Speaking of lazy, don't even get me started on the visuals. The film has a southern look and feel to it. Most of the action takes place outdoors where the giant alligator/snake hybrid picks off people for food. Later when all the characters cross paths, they turn to the only man who can take down the monster.

The only one who can apparently go toe to toe with the creature is DMX. That's when he explains to the group that the creature is a Voodoo god; a vengeful and ugly as hell Voodoo god. Known mostly for his music, Earl "Dark Man X" Simmons shows off his acting chops here yet again. We've seen DMX is some really entertaining films like Romeo Must Die, Exit Wounds and Cradle 2 the Grave. So I'm sure you can guess my next two questions; one: What the hell is he doing here? and two: Why is he producing it? It's a major turn for someone who's actually a decent actor. Not the best rapper-turned-actor, but he does have some talent when it comes to movies. Usually when there's a giant CGI monster involved, Coolio is one of the main characters. What is it with rappers and movies that belong on the Sci-Fi channel?

The soundtrack feels out of place. The mixture of hip hop, R&B and alternative rock really doesn't fit in the movie. A more traditional score would have been more fitting for the film. Then again why would you want to hire an orchestra for a low budget monster movie? It doesn't even have the balls to show any nudity. Amazing isn't it? Now if a low budget B-movie doesn't even have the decency to show any breasts, then there's really something wrong. At least we don't get to hear lines like "You have perfect nipple placement" or "Your tits are stupendous." Even without dumb lines like those, the movie still does have some fun stuff. Most of them come from the characters making the dumbest decisions. I actually laughed quite a bit. Making fun of the movie was a blast. However, I don't recommend seeing it at all. Watching it will only waste your time.

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

I don't know why I do it to myself with these crummy low budget horror flicks. I could say that this is the worst low budget horror movie in 2008 but I've seen some that topped this one. I need to quit being a glutton for punishment

Spoiler: Here is the whole movie in a nutshell: Paul Cade as a child steals a voodoo pen from a voodoo priest and drew a picture of a snake eating his father and the magical pen brings the snake to life and it does what it was drawn to do. Years later Paul grows up and is married and his wife is killed by a hit and run accident caused by brainless suburbanites that make those horny teens in all those Friday The 13th flicks look like geniuses. Paul draws the snake again and it comes to life trying to kill all those kids and everybody in it's path. Paul calls on the help of Nick(played by rapper DMX), the son of the voodoo priest whose pen Paul stole to stop what he started.

Opinion: This movie is such a wannabe of Anaconda its pathetic. Think about it. Anaconda is about a killer snake, this "movie" is about a killer snake and they both star rappers in them. The only difference is that Anaconda had some form of suspense and Jon Voight to steal the show. The acting here is atrocious. Everybody is so wooden that you want to slice them open and count the rings. Even DMX gives a wooden performance here and I didn't even think that that was possible! I cant blame him though. The script must have been written by overzealous tween-agers because it sure sounds like it was and the special effects are terrible as well. The CGI snake looks like dog droppings molded and shaped to look like a snake. Every aspect of this movie fails. If you like watching bad movies try something else. This is not even so bad its good camp. Its so bad its shameful camp and is bad enough to make you question your own existence. Don't waste 80 minutes of your life like I did. Learn from my mistake and try something else!

When little Alan Cade gets mad at his abusive father he leaves through a bedroom window that is regretfully not an apartment high-rise. After the delinquent teams up with a mongoloid friend to steal a ridiculous looking pencil with an alligator on one end - probably a Florida Gator fan - he draws (poorly) a giant snake eating his father. Not long after, the snake comes to life and swallows him like a mustard slathered Nathan's. Fast forward, thankfully, a couple decades where Alan is married, and has yet to come forward about his criminal history. Karma being what it is, an SUV full of sub-moronic, stereotypical teens speedbump Alan's wife Becky. Naturally, Alan grabs his pencil to draw another snake - thank goodness the kid from Superbad didn't have that pencil! - and the dinner bell starts ringing. Teamed with a rural weapons dealer Nick (DMX) and the leftovers of the teenage fodder, the suddenly penitent Alan must fight his creation that has some incoherent connection to voodoo, or something.

Despite that stellar and highly original concept, the acting for this film is so appallingly low-grade that Ice "Dey Snakes out der dis big?!" Cube comparatively thespian in his Anaconda performance. Speaking of that giant snake movie, this one is very similar. And by similar I mean DMX is a subpar replacement for Ice Cube, and the combined efforts of the rest of the cast don't even measure up to Owen Wilson's nose, much less Voigt's presence, Stoltz' hair, Wuhrer's beauty, or J-Lo's derriere.

This movie is an insult to Pumpkinhead, Children of the Corn, and Anaconda all at the same time. Trust me on this. With no nudity, very minimal gore, a script that was written by gluing together slices of paper from a shredder, acting so wooden that I checked IMDB for the character "Geppetto," and NO nudity, it's a slap in the face to B-movies world wide. I didn't even have a good time creating my own MST3K entertainment out of this steaming pile. Unless you're a huge DMX fan or a herpetologist, avoid this like festering herpes.

Jason Elin

"Carnivorous" (also known as "Lockjaw: Rise of the Kulev Serpent," which is a much more entertaining title) is another dreadful take on the giant snake movie, this time featuring coloring as a major plotpoint. Alan Cade (Louis Herthum, who turns in the best performance in the film) stars as a man with a peculiar past. When he was a child he stole a magical voodoo pen that would cause whatever he drew with it to become true. When he was young he drew a giant snake eating his horrid father, and sure enough, a giant snake came and took out his dad. Years later a group of the most truly unlikable cast members imaginable run down Alan's wife and he draws the snake again, setting the rest of the film into action.

The film opens with five twentysomethings (three are truly despicable; two are milquetoast but inoffensive) preparing to go on a getaway to a cabin in the middle of nowhere (of course.) The expedition is led by Kurt (Caleb Michaelson,) who is in the running for most annoying actor in history. Although I would have preferred it much earlier, Kurt goes missing in a cornfield, and his friends spring into action after a brief subplot about the death of the inventor of Ramen noodles. (Seriously.) This leads, logically, to a well-armed rap star (DMX as Nick, the former Army Special Ops veteran...like that's believable) and a big and dreadfully rendered CGI snake cavorting in the corn. Kurt's friends and fellow idiots Ashley (Victoria Vodar) and Clayton (David Pullman) spend most of the movie gallivanting about and antagonizing the audience. Especially noteworthy are Ashley's exceptionally poor dancing scenes where she is presenting like a mandrill. Kurt's less-annoying brother Winston (Derrick Denicola) shows up (he was hiding in the back of the truck) to join the search, but the primary detective work goes to Kelly (Wes Brown, the nerdy hero and most likeable character in the film,) and tomboyish Sam (Lauren Fain,) a couple who are clearly fated for each other.

Once Cade grasps that Kelly and Sam aren't to blame for his wife's death, they join forces and meet DMX in one on the most uncomfortable scenes in film history. The sound quality throughout the movie is relatively bad, but here DMX is almost impossible to understand...I got something about "revenge," how when the picture of the snake is drawn "the deed is done," and about how all they have to look forward to is the snake's stomach acid. Unless, of course, DMX gets to it first. Just don't even try to logically analyze this movie, OK?

Cade gets decapitated, leaving Kelly, Sam, Winston, and DMX to hunt the snake in the cornfield, which they do with two primary weapons: a bazooka and a table lamp (I am not kidding; the lamp is a minor subplot on its own.) The strategy comes down to using Kelly as bait: the snake swallows Kelly intact, DMX blows the snake up with a bazooka, and Kelly's fine! What a finely crafted piece of cinema! The film concludes with a gratuitous and annoying invitation to a sequel, which I hope is never foisted on humanity. I have seen a lot of the giant snake genre, and this is definitely among the worst: slither away from it as fast as you possibly can!

Lockjaw: Rise of the Kulev Serpent (Amir Valinia, 2007)

A week ago, I had never heard of Amir Valinia. Now I've seen two movies by the man, and I'm ready to crown him the next Tibor Takacs. The next Uwe Boll. The next Ulli Lommel. Yes, based on the two Valinia movies I've seen over the weekend, Amir Valinia really is that bad a filmmaker. Lockjaw: Rise of the Kulev Serpent (originally released under the title Carnivorous) defines the term "vehicle", in its film meaning, perhaps better than any other movie to which I've heard it ascribed. And yet it also does so worse than any other movie etc. Which may sound like a contradiction in terms. Stay with me here.

The almost incoherent storyline has to do with a supernatural snake, the Kulev Serpent, that has the head of an alligator. (A bit more money was used on special effects here than was used in Amayo Uzo Phillips' classic of stupidity The Python. Not much, though.) The stick that calls the Kulev Serpent is controlled by Alan (The Mist's Louis Herthum), who found it as a kid and seems to have used it to get rid of his drunk, abusive stepfather. I think. In any case, Alan grew up and married his childhood sweetheart Becky (Ruffian's Lisa Arnold), the only other person on the planet who knows about the Kulev Serpent. I think. So all is going well until a passel of kids driving a monster SUV accidentally hit Becky, killing her. The driver, who wasn't watching the road, doesn't even notice he hit anything. So Alan calls the Kulev Serpent out to take his revenge. But then feels bad about doing it and decides to help the kids kill the snake. I think. Which brings Alan and the surviving kids into contact with the local arms dealer, Nick (DMX). I think.

First off, can someone explain to me how a guy in the middle of rural nowhere has a local arms dealer? I mean, let's think about this. You've got a black guy with a lot of tattoos in the middle of whitebread redneck America, and the small-town hick cops are just letting him import rocket launchers? Even if the answer to that question runs you up seven stereotypes and back down eight, that's the kind of foresight that went into the writing of Lockjaw, which, as I alluded to before, was seemingly made as a vehicle for DMX, who was (and maybe still is) trying to mainstream his movie career. Since DMX is the only person in the entire cast you've heard of unless you're an obsessive film trivia buff, this would certainly qualify as a vehicle. Except that DMX actually gets maybe ten to fifteen minutes of screen time. His sole appearance in the first two-thirds of the movie is in a disconnected scene that sets up his profession. Which makes me wonder why he didn't hold out for a better script. Be that as it may, the most tactful one-word summary of this movie I can come up with is "incompetent". Do yourself a favor and avoid it like the plague. *

I wanted so badly to slice and dice this film but the movie pretty much does it on its own. A blatant rip-off of "Pumpkinhead" this time the avenger is conjured by a voodoo vengeance pen instead of a really ugly 7 foot creature. Draw a picture of a victim-then an avenger of choice(a really big snake) and the victim is soon a "lunchable". The voodoo vengeance pen is lifted from a voodoo priests home by a 12 year old who wants to off his bully of a dad. Cut to many years later and the young boy is now a middle-aged, balding married man. When his wife is run over by a carload of drunken teens who take off, the husband draws a picture of the car with 5 teens and the snake devouring the car. The usual happens as the snake claims its victims one by one. When the contrite husband tries to reverse the curse....well see Pumpkinhead and u get the picture.

The movie stars the crapper, sorry rapper DMX and the snake(the snake is prettier) and I suspect he must be one of the producers since his name appears 3 times in the opening credits. The funny thing is DMX has a very small role presumably filmed between prison time. To pad his appearance, he hacks his way through some not so tall grass and weeds with a machete and this scene is shown repeatedly. The other cast members glide through the same grass and weeds without a problem and I suppose the machete was used to show Mr DMXS' street cred.

The screenplay(?) is credited to four writers with another writer credited for "revisions".

See this movie if u have a fondness for drunken teens, voodoo vengeance pens, machetes, DMX and his shoulder rocket launcher and "Pumpkinhead" played by a snake. And if you want gore, there isn't any.

I guess I'm the only person here who enjoyed "Carnivorous," also titled "Lockjaw: The Curse of the Kulev Serpent." Not that it was great or even really good but it delivered pretty well as an entertaining Grade-B creature-on-the-loose flick in the "Friday the 13th" mold (Jason was definitely an infernal creature btw or he at least became one as the series progressed).

THE PLOT: A serpent-with-an-alligator-head is released in rural Louisianna via a Voodoo pen that's formed into a serpent/alligator with red glowing eyes. This is unique, but the main plot is the same as most creature features based on "Friday the 13th": A group of youths go out to the boonies to party while the creature takes 'em out one by one. The kids who have sex die, the ones who don't live. So, although the way the monster is released is original (and nigh incomprehensible), the main story is standard.

I should also point out that rapper DMX appears as a black Rambo-type, but it's not a significant role until the 3rd act.

You'll note that everyone else here only gives the film 1 or 2 Stars so they all obviously think it's a total piece of excrement. Yet, despite this being a low-budget monster flick it delivered quite well in a handful of requisite areas:

- The film was shot in the cane fields of rural Louisianna; any time you get a modern flick of this ilk shot anywhere other than B.C. Canada it's a plus.
- Most here comment on how unlikable the youths are, but they act precisely as youths would act on vacation at a party cabin in the sticks. Most of us acted this way when we were that age, at parties anyway. Regardless, at least two or three of them aren't obnoxious in any way that I can detect.
- The heroine of the tale, Lauren fain who plays Sam, is good. She's not ultra-sexy or anything but she's likable with a uniquely pretty face.
- Victoria Vodar, who plays Ashley, is the sexpot in requisite skimpy attire. She has a dance sequence that's worth the price of admission. One reviewer referred to this sequence as "exceptionally poor;" all I can say is he has no eye for exceptionally gorgeous women or tantalizing dance sequences.
- The first half of the film highlights a married couple (Louis Herthum & Debra Arnott) who genuinely love each other and clearly show it. This is so rare today, particularly in these types of films, that when you observe it it's not only pleasant, it's actually shocking.
- The CGI creature isn't seen too often but it's serviceable, if not remarkable.

WHAT DOESN'T WORK:

- As noted above, some aspects of the plot concerning the voodoo creature are nigh incomprehensible, but you'll get the gist of it. (What I was wondering is: What if the person with the occultic pen drew something other than a big serpent-creature killing the people? Would the curse still work or does s/he HAVE to draw a serpent-like creature? If so, how did the little boy at the beginning acquire this knowledge?).
- The film's not all that compelling; the storytelling could have been done better.
- The absolute worst part of this picture is the hit-and-run scene where the kids hit a woman in their vehicle IN BROAD DAYLIGHT and NOT ONE OF THEM EVEN NOTICES! They dismiss it as possibly hitting an animal or something. Why sure! This sequence is so bad that there's no way I could possibly give the film 4 Stars (for what it is) in good conscience.

The film runs a short-but-sweet 76 minutes.

BOTTOM LINE: With the exception of the lame hit-and-run scene the film delivers pretty well as a fun low-budget creature-on-the-loose flick, nicely shot in the cane fields of Louisianna. Lauren Fain is a solid heroine with a uniquely attractive face and Victoria Vodar's awe-inducing scenes are worth the price of admission.

The only reason I bought this movie was because it was $1 in a bargain bin at a store. I figured if its bad, I didnt pay much. What I didnt expect was this wasnt just a bad movie...it was really bad..not horrible..just very bad. The acting was bad, the graphics were mediocre. It looked like some college filmakers went out to make a low budget creature film. The only good thing was the plot, it was different. A young boy steals a voodoo pen with magical powers. Draw anyone and they will be killed by a snake/aligator hybrid monster. Years later after his wife was killed in a hit and run, he uses the pen and now the group of young people who were in the car are being chased by the creature.

Like I said, almost everything about the movie is bad. This isnt one of those movies that is so bad its good...Its just plain bad. It might have had a saving grace if it had decent special affects..nope all you get is production stills. It was worth what I spent..$1. Dont pay full price if you want to watch this. Rent it for free or buy it super cheap if you must see it.

Pros:
-A plot that is different
-Bought it for $1

Cons:
-Horrible acting
-Horrible special affects
-Only special feature is production stills

This is a film that has no redeeming qualities, well, except for fair special effects. The screenplay is awful, the acting is dry and empty and there are holes in the plot you could push a giant snake through... I rarely right reviews, but this film was so bad, I had to write a warning to anyone who might watch it, let alone actually pay money for it.