Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents [Paperback]

Nina Brown EdD LPC (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: April 1, 2008

Being a parent is usually all about giving of yourself to foster your child's growth and development. But what happens when this isn't the case? Some parents dismiss the needs of their children, asserting their own instead, demanding attention and reassurance from even very young children. This may especially be the case when a parent has narcissistic tendencies or narcissistic personality disorder. From the author of Working with the Self-Absorbed and Loving the Self-Absorbed, this major revision of a self-help classic offers a step-by-step approach to resolving conflict and building a meaningful relationship with a narcissistic parent.

Children of the Self-Absorbed offers clear definitions of narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder to help you identify the extent of your parent's problem. You'll learn the different types of destructive narcissism and how to recognize their effects on relationships. With the aid of proven techniques, you'll discover that you're not helpless against your parent's behavior and that you needn't consider giving up on the relationship. Instead, realistic strategies and steps are suggested for learning to set mutually agreed upon behaviors that can help you fulfill your needs and expectations.

Editorial Reviews

Review

"For those of us who have often suffered the inevitable humiliating regression back to childhood during every holiday with the family…this book offers real help to the reader to develop the self-protective art of indifference, a cloak that can be used at many a holiday gathering…and to understand the subtle yet profound differences between ineffective and effective confrontation, empathy and sympathy, and attaching response and defusing strategy…a completely new cupboard of techniques."
—Joel C. Frost, Ed.D., assistant clinical professor of psychology in the Department of Psychology at Harvard Medical School

"Children of the Self-Absorbed offers practical advice and guidance. The creative techniques and exercises are priceless to both the reader learning how to identify destructive parental behaviors and how to cope with them as well as the reader learning to nurture and protect his or her own developing self."
—Susan Hopper, Ph.D., clinical psychologist in private practice in St. Louis, MO

"Children of narcissistic parents are provided techniques to dig themselves out of impossible relationships with their parents…a thoroughly well thought out, useful manual to help adult children move toward more productive connection to their narcissistic parents, to themselves, and to others."
—Joan Medway, Ph.D., LCSW, psychologist in private practice in Potomac, MD

From the Publisher

A second edition of a self-help classic, Children of the Self-Absorbed offers the adult children of narcissistic parents the means to understand and cope with the behaviors and attitudes of their mothers and/or fathers while still meeting their own needs.

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Paperback: 240 pages
• Publisher: New Harbinger Publications; Second Edition, Revised edition (April 1, 2008)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1572245611
• ISBN-13: 978-1572245617
• Product Dimensions: 6 x 0.6 x 9 inches
• Shipping Weight: 13.6 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 3.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (61 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #8,992 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
  • #9 in Books > Parenting & Relationships > Family Relationships > Parent & Adult Child
  • #33 in Books > Health, Fitness & Dieting > Psychology & Counseling > Pathologies
  • #53 in Books > Health, Fitness & Dieting > Psychology & Counseling > Personality

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

235 of 257 people found the following review helpful

1.0 out of 5 stars Evil: ignorant of the issues, enables the abusers June 1, 2011

By Cessily

Format:Paperback

This is the most evil, damaging "self-help" book I have ever read.

The author does not understand the nature of narcissistic personality disorder, or she would not say things like "they did the best they could under the circumstances", referring to NPD parents, and she would not try to teach adult children of narcs to maintain a relationship with them by practicing the very behaviours and traits that abused people often become programmed with! (Go numb, blank face, hear the words but don't feel the feelings, pretend to give in and agree with your accuser. OMG!)

The author also has the nerve, and the ignorance, to state that you must get an outside observer to concur with your assessment of the (suspected) narcissistic parent's behaviour, otherwise you need to look at your own behaviour to see if your parent's assessment of YOU was right. As though victims of people with personality disorders haven't been gaslighted enough! A narcissist seems one way to the world at large, but is completely another to those who are close enough to see that there is something wrong and get a glimpse of the real, raging person inside. Any layperson who has looked into NPD knows that!

62 of 65 people found the following review helpful

1.0 out of 5 stars Outright dangerous August 10, 2012

By quirkyblogger

Format:Paperback

This book is just dangerous, if you ask me. The author clearly hasn't dealt with NPD terribly often, or she would never tell the children of narcissists to get outside observers to confirm. Narcissists are very adept at hiding their true characters from the outside world. Plus, children of narcissists have been told all their lives to mistrust their own feelings and instincts. If they're angry or hurt by something the parent(s) did, it's the child's fault obviously, as the parents are perfect. For an author who claims to want to help those children, validating the assertion that maybe it's NOT the parent is, at best, unhelpful and at worst, dangerous.

Also, the author recommends talking to siblings about the parent(s). As a layperson, even I am aware of the concept of Scapegoats v. Golden Children. Dr. Brown never even mentions this possibility. So if a Scapegoat and Golden Child are asked about the same parent, they're going to give very different answers which might lead the Scapegoat to believe s/he really IS oversensitive, imagining things, etc.

A much better book, even though it doesn't cover parents with NPD specifically, is Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life. It's a far better read, and the advice contained therein doesn't encourage victims of abuse to just keep taking that abuse.

34 of 34 people found the following review helpful

1.0 out of 5 stars I was angry and upset October 30, 2012

By Kitty

Format:Paperback

I agree with the many negative reviews on this book. When I first read the reviews for this book there were only a few and they were very positive, which made me very confused when I began reading. At first it seemed to be a very promising books, however when I got to the sections that finally started offering advice as to how to cope. I was shocked. Many of these were typical coping mechanisms I used as a child, which may have been an extremely temporary fix but not at all empowering. The author recommends "fasing out" and creating a temporary dissociation during the stressful situation. I'm in medical school and though I have only been taught a limited amount of psychology, encouraging dissociation is not okay. Don't give direct eye contact during a verbal attack? Face slightly away from the attacker? Are we dealing with a parent or a wild animal? There is no hint of holding a narcissistic individual accountable for their own actions. Assert yourself at your own peril. In fact, instead of standing up for yourself, take comfort in the fact that you'll have a much better life than them. No thank you.

What's more, it seemed that half this book implies that you are just as narcissistic as your parent, so we better fix that. It seems to encourage you to be like Gandhi or Mother Theresa instead of allowing you the "healthy adult narcissism" it will claim to give you. Go do altruistic things, but real altruistic acts. If you want a thank you, you're wrong. If you want outside validation ever, you're wrong. When are we allowed to be human beings?

This book lacks true self-esteem building and a healthy, assertive attitude. I highly recommend the Out of the FOG website, a trusting environment in which people can read about real empowerment and how to set real boundaries with parents. They have a great support forum where people can go to seek validation and advice from people who have been through the same experiences. The individuals you are dealing with may have a real mental illness that will forever be an inherent part of themselves, but absolutely no one is allowed to push you around.