Customer Reviews

Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents

5 star:		(65)
4 star:		(17)
3 star:		(7)
2 star:		(7)
1 star:		(11)

 

 

Given the talent that narcissists have for making you feel that (1) it's all your fault or (2) it's your imagination, this is a very nice read that will make you feel that you aren't crazy. It also will help you realize that your needs are legitimate.
The book fleshes out the dimensions of a narcissistic personality, not in a coldly clinical way but in a matter-of-fact way that uses ordinary language. As for the typos that another reviewer commented on, I didn't notice them. I'm a journalist, and I thought the author succeeded in using concise and easily understood words. She also succeeded in giving some very useful tips for dealing with a narcissist. Most of us have been taught that it's best to be truthful, to say so if we've been hurt by someone else; we've learned that this is the healthy and responsible way to behave. Not so, if you're around a narcissist, as this book will explain; it's better if you DON'T let on that the narcissist has affected you, because you'll likely be criticized for being too sensitive. If you KNOW a narcissist, you ALREADY know that it's best not to let your feelings show, and you already know that the standard advice that well-meaning friends might give, won't work. This book will give you some advice that DOES work, and it will also validate your perceptions of what it's like to be around a narcissist. At 180 pages, this book is not the be-all and end-all, but it's quite helpful, and I wouldn't miss it. If your parent is a narcissist, you might also benefit by looking at the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells," a book that deals with those who have borderline personality disorder. Not all narcissists have the disorder, but a good number do, and it's worth checking out if you're in a relationship that's "all about them," and where you are discounted. Particularly check out this additional title if the narcissist in your life is emotionally volatile, given to rages and emotional abuse, and has their own view of reality that doesn't match how you recall things. Both titles will help you treat the narcissist in your life as decently as possible, while also helping you preserve your own mental health, too.

Some of the other reviewers have pointed out that this book has grammatical errors. While this is true, please don't let the perfectionism that is an inherant part of growing up with a narcissistic parent prevent you from reading and benfitting from this book.

This book goes through a relatively quick but thorough diagnostic process to help you determine whether your parent was a narcissist, and then makes its single most important point:

THEY ARE NOT GOING TO CHANGE. Nothing you can do, or could have done, would make a difference.

The remaining 2/3rds of the book is about coping, protecting yourself, and recovering from narcissistic abuse. This is what you CAN DO to make the rest of your life happier and healthier. Get the book, silence the critic inside your head, and get going on getting better!

I have found this book to be useful in my ministry for adult children of abusive or controlling parents, Luke 17:3 Ministries. It begins by describing Destructive Narcissistic Parents (DNPs),teaches how being raised by them affected you, and gives very unique techniques for diffusing their ability to hurt you. It subscribes to the theory that confrontation will not work because a narcissist will never change and does not believe he is doing anything wrong, but rather thinks that everyone else exists for his use and benefit; therefore other techniques for dealing with him are suggested, including avoidance, humor, or body language designed to subconsciously confuse the narcissist.
Does your parent have attention needs, admiration needs, the need to be considered unique and special, lack of empathy, feel others are extensions of herself, grandiosity, shallow emotions, a sense of entitlement, emotionally abusive traits, or does she exploit others? These characteristics identify a DNP, and specific examples of each trait are given.
As an adult, you can have two possible responses to being raised by a DNP. You may have a Siege Response- some traits of which include becoming defiant when given orders or demands, rebelling against restrictions or rules, being wary or fearful of intimacy, feeling anxious or panicky when others want to be nurtured, guilty feelings, personalizing others' behavior, being easily offended, etc. You may also exhibit the Compliant Response, including needing to be liked or approved of, feeling responsible for others' well-being, feeling that others are taking advantage of you, sacrificing personal needs for others, being overemotional, being overly critical of yourself and others, etc.
We are taught coping strategies which include developing emotional insulation, avoiding trying to empathize, giving up unrealistic fantasies, and meeting our emotional needs instead of putting them second to everyone else's.
The empowering strategies which are suggested are very interesting. For instance, becoming contrary when a DNP is trying to manipulate us- without explaining or announcing what we are doing, simply doing the opposite of or something entirely different from whatever is wanted or ordered. Other examples include becoming indifferent, avoiding interactions, setting guidelines your parent must follow in order to obtain your cooperation, practicing a blank facial expression and no response when being criticized, acting bored and "drifting" to another subject, asking a series of questions that will point out the absurdity of what they are saying, and declaring independence. It is important not to let them get a rise out of you or appear hurt, angry or defensive.
This book is especially valuable for those with self-centered parents who exploit them, and have probably done so since childhood. Many of us will recognize the narcissist in our own parents.

This is a wonderful book for those of us that have had significant people in our lives who could not be "reasoned" with because the person was so self-interested. Try as we may to please these people, we ended frustrated, angry, depressed, and perhaps most of all, confused. It felt like a different Reality from the rest of the world, a Reality which we did not understand, and from which we didn't seem to be able to escape. Not unlike the mythical Sisyphus, we cyclically rolled the rock of parental or spousal approval up the hill only to have it return endlessly..and like Sisyphus, with nothing whatever to show for our efforts. Ms. Brown is the first person in my 50-some years of life who was able to grab me by the collar and firmly convince me emotionally (I had long been convinced intellectually) that it was time to let go and not exhaust myself further. I saw the personality she describes in my parents, an ex-wife, and a troubling boss. Things became very clear that were once murky, at best. The author is also very explicit as how to handle situations with these discomforting people in order not to be injured further. The best recommendation that I can give this book is that it is NOT just for understanding your self-absorbed parents, it is for understanding all the character disordered folks in your life; I plan to buy several copies for friends try to understand their divorces, their parents, and their sometimes dysfunctional friendships.

This book is very well-written and does a very good job of addressing the special needs and concerns of adult children of narcissists. I recognized my family and myself in this book, and feel confident that by applying the strategies in this book, I can break the chain of narcissism before damaging my own child. This is NOT a blame-the-parents book. It helps the reader to understand why the parents behaved the way that they did, and that they will not understand that they did anything wrong. The Destructive Narcissist Parent did the best he or she could, and now it is time for the adult child to break free of the destructive pattern.

Some readers seem concerned with the gramatical errors in this book. Frankly, if you need to hear the words it has to say, you probably won't notice a typo or two and it is far from unreadable! As to the author's Narcissism, I have read several books, "Trapped in the Mirror" is one, written by authors who were obviously too close to the subject to do more than talk endlessly about THEIR issues. This isn't that kind of book.

I just sent my copy to my sister who called saying how ashamed she felt to be relieved that my elderly parent's visit to her home had come to an end. When they walked out the door she was suddenly able to feel "real" again. What she felt was the overwhelming sense of fatigue, anger and hurt that had been bottled up for days during their visit. She wanted to know why they had to be so horrible and felt that there must be a way to "change" their behavior.

This book doesn't help you to change your parent's behavior. It does help you to understand the complex mechanisms that make them to do what they do. More importantly it addresses their affect on you and how you can work to change the feelings and dysfunctional life strategies they have caused you to adopt.

Please excuse the typos. I don't have an editor either!

A co-worker of mine recommended this book to me a few years back but I was not ready to evaluate my life. Now I wish I would have listened to her. From the very first paragraph of this book it described my relationship with mother. I found the reading of it to be easy and insightful with simple exercises that were also enlightening.

For years I have struggled with mother, trying to cope with and change her. It's a bit cliché but, I learned I can't change her. I can only change myself. With children of my own now, I don't want to continue the cycle and raise my children with the doubts of self worth that I was raised with. This reading is so very important to adult children who have suffered for years-living in the shadow of a Narcissistic parent. There are so many of us out there. One of the best things about Children..... is that it uses exercises that encourage the reader to look inside themselves. Not to blame, but to grow. This is so very key when one is reevaluating their life.

Since I have read this book, I have put a lot of the exercises into practice. For instance in self training, Children...... recommends when first encountering the troubling parent to put yourself in a protective box to keep the parents hurtful comments out, instead, mother gets put in a box to keep all the bad stuff in and me safe from it. It's a mental exercise but it's helped reduce the battles mother and I have with every conversation.

In a nutshell, I highly, highly, HIGHLY recommend Children of the Self Absorbed to anyone with a parent or family member thats Narcissistic. Do yourself a favor, buy this book.

Being the child of two narcissistic parents this book enabled me to see that what I thought was normal parental behavior, not having any other point of reference, was in fact unacceptable and cruel. I was in awe that an entire book could be written that so definitively described my parents and me. The second half of the book was helpful in providing me with coping and protecting devices. I look forward to rereading the book several times to be able to incorporate the ideas into my every day living.

You can't change a narcissist but you can change how you react to them. Nina Brown gives very useful and practical advise on dealing with the aftermath of having a narcissist for a parent and scars they leave on their children. I especially like the lack of blame here, it is what it is and it's time to do something about it. I don't think "Children of the Self-Absorbed" is only for adult children of narcissists, older teens can benefit greatly. Nina brown has written a 'must have' survival guide that will teach them how to avoid the pain that comes from expecting their parent to behave like others around them. The narcissistic parent is the center of his own universe and as such, leaves no room for their children. Learning at an early age "this is not your fault" goes miles in achieving healing for what hurts the most, rejection.

I highly recommend "Children of the Self-Absorbed."

I ran across this book by chance last night and I thank GOD for it. My mother has been taking care (roommates) of my Grandmother for 8 years now and it has culminated this year with Mom going into the hospital three times for stress, anxiety, depression, and a 4 hour memory loss. We always knew grandma had a sharp tone and quick anger from time to time..but well you know the rest.

I have been reading this book avidly and almost every bullet statement (behavior) has been a direct hit. We are not mad, not oversensative, or mean for being upset with her most of the time. She is simply self-absorbed and has been her entire life (from our earliest memories of her). This book is helping my mother take back her life and HEALTH as well as helping her children recognize the effects it has had upon her.

I cannot stress enough that your not alone, other families are going thru this. You are not a bad person for being upset and angry with your parent or grandparent. You will feel and become better and stronger as a result of reading this book and following the suggested practices. God Bless.