Chocolate, Please: My Adventures in Food, Fat, and Freaks [AUDIOBOOK] [UNABRIDGED] (Audio CD)

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Book Description

An inside look at the life of Comedy's Lovable Queen of Mean, Lisa Lampanelli, as she dishes on everything from relationships, food, and fat to why once you go black, you never go back

In her jaw-droppingly hilarious and politically incorrect memoir, Lisa reveals all—including the dysfunctional childhood that made her the insult comic she is today, the subject for which she's best known (black men, black men, and more black men), and her hilarious struggles with her addiction to food and hot guys. By telling her story in her very real, very candid, very open way, Lisa shows her audience that it's okay to be yourself, even if it's just one rehab stint at a time. Lisa also takes readers behind the scenes at the roasts that have marked her comedy career and launched her into the comedy elite, and reveals the important "firsts" in her career, including her first time on her hero's program, The Howard Stern Show.

Chocolate, Please is a side-splittingly funny portrait of the woman behind the award-winning insult comedy.

Lisa Lampanelli's Rules to Live By

Husbands and Other Useless Entities in the Delivery Room
Recently, it has become popular to turn the delivery room into a cocktail party with guests enjoying snacks and breezy conversation while Mom is getting tortured. They think it’s going to be fun to watch until they spend some time there. Every type of bodily function is on display and coming at you in 3-D. It’s like a Gallagher concert, except it’s entertaining.

Passing Down the Family Name
People feel the need to pass on their entire name to their offspring, as if the last name ain’t bad enough. Why give the kid both names? It’s a well-known fact that nobody likes sequels.

Family Trees/Genealogy
Family trees only matter if you’re betting on a horse or want to be a made member of the mob. Everyone’s family tree starts with a monkey and ends in disappointment.

Sibling Rivalry
Sibling rivalry is the oldest psychological affliction known to man. It’s the reason Cain killed Abel. Their mom, Eve, liked Abel more.

Italian Families vs. Normal Families
Italian families are different from normal families. And by “normal,” I mean WASP families. There are many reasons for these differences. The first is volume. Italians whispering is screaming to a WASP.

Family Vacations
The term “family vacation” is an oxymoron. If you’re stuck with your family, it ain’t no vacation. We should call family vacations what they are: “Countdown to Dad’s public tantrum.”

Interventions
Interventions are a great way to lose a friend. That is because people don’t want to hear the truth about themselves. Addicts know they have a problem. Interventions are as bad as telling someone her boyfriend is cheating on her. Let her find out on her own. Remember: They always shoot the messenger.

Texting While on Dates
Texting on a date is completely inappropriate unless it’s a blind date, and by “blind date,” I mean the other person is blind. What could be more important on a date with me than me?

--This text refers to the Hardcover edition.

Review

"Lisa can tie me down to a bed any time!" (LL Cool J )

"Jesus--this book is filthy." (Sarah Silverman )

"Every generation has a female comic that destroys the conventional wisdom that only men can be raunchy and funny. Lisa Lampanelli is this generation's choice." (Carlos Mencia )

"Lisa is the most outrageous comic we have ever had on the Tonight Show." (Jay Leno ) --This text refers to the Hardcover edition.

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Product Details

• Audio CD
• Publisher: Simon & Schuster Audio; Unabridged edition (September 15, 2009)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0743597850
• ISBN-13: 978-0743597852
• Product Dimensions: 5.8 x 5.1 x 1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 7.2 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.6 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (8 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #438,557 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

7 of 7 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars Not So Mean, Lovable or Otherwise, But Bawdy Fun, September 15, 2009

By	K. Harris "Film aficionado" (Las Vegas, NV) - See all my reviews (TOP 500 REVIEWER)    (REAL NAME)

This review is from: Chocolate, Please: My Adventures in Food, Fat, and Freaks (Hardcover)

The reigning queen of insult comedy has got to be Lisa Lampanelli. Brassy, bold and oh-so-naughty, Lampanelli rose to prominence with memorable performances on many of Comedy Central's celebrity roasts. The self proclaimed "lovable Queen of Mean," she has been compared to Don Rickles and has a take-no-prisoners approach to comedy. With Lampanelli, there are no sacred cows--every topic is fodder for her humor. Political correctness goes out the window as she skewers everything from ethnic stereotypes to religion to family to addictions to her own insecurities. Even Lampanelli herself is a prime target for her own material, and I think it's this openness that makes her so likable and accessible even when she's being nasty!

So why the lengthy introduction? Well, if you know Lisa Lampanelli then you know what to expect from her new comedic memoir "Chocolate, Please: My Adventures in Food, Fat and Freaks." Traveling down the road many comedians have journeyed before her, Lampanelli tells a tale that's not all laughs. Often times her own worst enemy, she has struggled to overcome a series of bad decisions, unhealthy relationships, and serious self-worth issues. And it is refreshing to see Lamanelli's critical eye as she turns it upon herself.

But fear not, the self analysis is done in brief comedic vignettes. Don't expect anything too weighty, for even the most serious of topics is filtered through the superficial lens that is focused on a punchline. Come on, what did you expect? Sylvia Plath? "Chocolate, Please" is a fun and fast read even if it lacks the emotional depth and insight you might hope for in a more serious memoir. But this one is FUNNY too. A bonus, though, comes in the last section (after the life story ends) called "Lisa's Rules to Live By." This collection of short essays are as hilarious as they are true! Enjoy.

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Lisa Gets VERY Real, September 25, 2009

By	Bettyboy72 "Thom" (Buffalo, New York United States) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Chocolate, Please: My Adventures in Food, Fat, and Freaks (Hardcover)

"Chocolate Please" is a total change of pace for Ms. Lampanelli, but a very refreshing one. I don't agree with the reviews that say the book is hilarious or bawdy. Sure, Lisa throws in some zingers here and there, but this is a walk through Lisa's life and demons and gives you some real insight into comedy's "Lovable Queen of Mean." Lisa's honesty and candor is admirable. She lets you inside her life before she was famous, her family, her path to stardom, and most notably her rocky relationships with men and food. I applaud Lisa for pulling back the curtain on her hilarious tough as nails persona and writing about her emotional wounds. I have even more respect for her now. Through reading the book I came to realize how self aware Lisa is, how she is always working on herself, and how seriously she takes the art of comedy. Listening to her discuss her dedication to her craft as she prepared for roasts or for Howard Stern and various other television appearances, you realize Lisa is a top notch entertainer who does not half-ass anything. She is a dedicated comic performer. Like many stand-ups, Lisa has her demons and her issues and bravely shares her trips to rehab for food addiction. The book does end on a hysterical note with Lisa doing some rants on some of her pet peeves-it is LL in rare form. However, I was really moved by the book and inspired by Lisa. The woman has a heart of gold and her "lovable" persona is truly herself. She loves to slay you with her barbs and then give you a high five. For a loud mouth, foul mouth Italian insult comic, Lisa Lampanelli is a class act on all counts.

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Hilarious, September 20, 2009

By	Alla S. - See all my reviews

This review is from: Chocolate, Please: My Adventures in Food, Fat, and Freaks (Hardcover)

In her memoir "Chocolate, Please: My Adventures in Food, Fat, and Freaks," comedian Lisa Lampanelli hilariously explores her time in the limelight as the "Lovable Queen of Mean," her addiction for black men (whom she endearingly refers to as "chocolate" in the title), several stints in rehab, almost-too-funny-to-be-true relationship encounters (that must be the "freaks" part), as well as issues with food and co-dependence. The writing is very conversational and not chronological. Indeed, this felt more like a stand up comedy routine than a memoir as Lampanelli skips around telling stories about her career, men, personal problems, and childhood. She includes a whole section dedicated to her career firsts such as appearing on "The Howard Stern Show," being driven in a limo, going on Comedy Central, and etc. One of my favorite sections in the book focused on Lampanelli's past celebrity roasts for people like Donald Trump, Pamela Anderson, and Chevy Chase (favorite jokes and backstage gossip included). At the end of Lampanelli's memoir there's also a long section dedicated to her hilarious musings on life's issues, like pregnant women in the work force, family vacations, odd names given to children, and distracted dates among other things. Through it all, Lampanelli is bold, politically incorrect, sassy, and--just being herself. She's not afraid to assess her own imperfections and mistakes, taking the time to candidly reflect on various obstacles. In the end, she reminds me of a modern-day Bridget Jones--a middle-aged woman battling weight issues, suffering through numerous unlucky relationships, and putting down her issues in a book closer to a diary than a formal bio. Despite her various obstacles, however, there's no doubt that Grammy-nominated Lampanelli achieved more during her eighteen-year comedy career than some people do during their entire lives, which certainly provides a happy ending like no other.