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The comprehensive guide for single women interested in proactively becoming and being a mother—includes the essential tools needed to decide whether to take this step, information on how best to follow through, and insight about answering the child’s questions and needs over time.
Choosing Single Motherhood, written by a longtime journalist and Choice Mother (a woman who chooses to conceive or adopt without a life partner), will become the indispensable tool for women looking for both support and insight. Based on extensive up-to-date research, advice from child experts and family therapists, as well as interviews with more than one hundred single women, this book explores
• common questions and concerns of women facing this decision, including: Can I afford to do this? Should I wait longer to see if life turns a new corner? How do Choice Mothers handle the stress of solo parenting? • what the research says about growing up in a single-parent household • how to answer a child’s “daddy” questions • the facts about adoption, anonymous donor insemination, and finding a known donor • how the children of pioneering Choice Mothers feel about their lives
Written in a lively style that never sugarcoats or sweeps problems under the rug, Choosing Single Motherhood covers the topic clearly, concisely, and with a great deal of heart.
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MIKKI MORRISSETTE is a Choice Mother of two and a longtime journalist. She has been both a writer and an editor at Time Inc. and has written and edited special projects for The New York Times. She lives with her children in Minneapolis, where she maintains the ChoiceMoms.org website, and travels around the world hosting workshops for single women who are contemplating and making this choice.
I was one of the lucky ones. Before I became a Choice Mom, I was oblivious to the issues that many Thinking Women face. I didn’t worry about whether I could afford it, because I had a high-paying job. I didn’t worry about whether I could handle the stress of solo parenting, because I assumed that I could handle anything. I didn’t grieve the fact that I was embarking on motherhood without a lifetime partner, because I had never been a fan of convention. So I was lucky — at the start, anyway. Ignorance can be bliss. Shortly after I became pregnant I started to freak out about whether I would actually like being a mother. Maybe I’d been foolish to think it was the logical next step of my life . . . maybe I was supposed to stay solo, traveling and writing and having experiences as a lone wanderer in the universe. Wouldn’t my life stop if I was locked inside four walls changing diapers and, ohmigod, actually preparing three meals a day, and helping someone else turn into a person who had experiences? Bump. After my daughter was born, in that first year of often lonesome, scary motherhood I discovered many moments of sadness that I wasn’t sharing her development, and mine, with someone else. My local friends were single and childless, with no real interest in being part of my motherhood journey. My family was literally a thousand miles away. I didn’t have a childhood dream of “husband, wife, and kids” to grieve, but I found myself grieving something I couldn’t even define. Bump. After three months of unpaid leave, I was ready to return to my well-paid job — only to learn that I was being “eliminated.” CRASH! Talk about a rude awakening to the realities of life. In hindsight, I’m happy I was oblivious beforehand to how much my life would change. After talking to more than 100 women about their struggles in reaching this decision — and their struggles after — I understand how lucky I was to avoid many of the typical concerns before Sophie was born. Although I had no regrets about being a Choice Mom, my hard-won lessons about the bumps in the road made it more difficult to make a decision the second time. It took about two years of inner debate before I chose Choice Motherhood again, and Dylan was born. Today’s Choice Mothers feel less stigma about their decision than did pioneers of the 1980s. But that doesn’t mean it’s an easy choice. Women today tend to focus less on whether having a child will be seen as “legitimate” for her and the child, and more on whether the decision itself is a legitimate one: Will I have the strength and energy to be a good mother? Do I have the financial, emotional, and support resources to pull it off? Should I wait a little longer to see if life turns a new corner? If you’re struggling with some of the typical “Should I?” conflicts, the next four chapters have been written to help you through. “Am I Single-Mom Material?” looks at some of the most common reasons women hesitate as they contemplate this choice. “Can I Afford It?” explores the number one issue of concern, finances, based on results of an informal survey I did in 2003. “Grieving the Childhood Dream” includes personal stories of women who came to this decision reluctantly, having dreamed for years of raising children with a lifetime partner. “Will My Community Accept Us?” examines the disapproval women have faced from family, friends, and other members of their local network. It also revisits the national conversation Vice President Dan Quayle launched in 1992 about Choice Motherhood when he decried the TV show Murphy Brown for mocking the importance of fathers.
NOTE: These are very common concerns. While the material here is ultimately reassuring — so many women have addressed them and gone on to Choice Motherhood — there are many more women who have chosen not to become a single mother because of these questions. Listen closely to yourself.
After 18 years as an editor/writer in NYC, I transitioned into a very different life as a Choice Mom (a term I coined for single mothers by choice in my award-winning book "Choosing Single Motherhood: The Thinking Woman's Guide." I moved back to my home state of Minnesota, proactively had a second child on my own, never returned to corporate life, and developed Be-Mondo Publishing, to tell stories to effect individual and collective change.
I created a robust ChoiceMoms.org website with more than 500 articles for women in every stage of the journey; the Choice Chat podcast (nearly 50,000 downloads); a series of e-guides for single women; and discussion groups and e-newsletter that serves thousands of women. I have hosted more than 20 networking events for Choice Moms, in places ranging from London to Toronto to Austin, Texas.
With a group of middle school students, I most recently published "Be the Change: The Paul and Sheila Wellstone Story." The youth interviewed 12 family, friends and colleagues of the Wellstones, to learn about their amazing abilities to make a difference -- in grassroots politics, in issues of mental health and domestic violence, in inspiring youth, and as parents.
The author of this extensively researched book is the mother of two children conceived by known donor insemination. The first part of the book explores issues relevant to women who are making the decision about whether to pursue single motherhood. This includes assessing motivation, financial implications, grieving the childhood dream of raising children within a loving realtionship, community reactions and the impact on a child of growing up without a father.
The next section covers chssoing the method, including adoption and donor insemination. The section entitled day to day parenting includes coping with stress, the importance of a support system, a discussion on talking with children and others about their conception, and confronting identity issues. It is helpful that some accounts of difficult experiences are included, including a moving account from a mother of two children with special needs. There is information about policies around the world, including the removal of donor anonymity in the UK.
Of great interest to me (as the mother of a seven year old), was the chapter which includes interviews with young adults and teenagers raised by Choice Moms, as the author refers to them. This was a small sample consisting only of those who were willing to share their thoughts, but most of them were well adjusted and reported healthy and nurturing relationships with their mothers. There is an extensive list of website addresses and other resources. This book is a useful addition to the literature available for single women considering parenthood, as well as those who already have children.
This book, in my opinion, is a good reference for every woman considering single motherhood. Mikki Morrissette, makes it a point to bring examples from real life when writing about issues such as becoming pregnant by a donor sperm or adopting a child.
I found the book helpful in not only as a guide for all options of single motherhood but also as a thought tool to the many issues that single motherhood's entails.
Speaking as someone who has already accomplished choice motherhood, the best part of this book is the expert advice addressing what the tough issues are and ways to solve them.
Raising a boy as a single mother isn't easy. There are obvious and (as I learned from the book) not so obvious reasons why children need both same- and opposite-sex role models. I really had never considered that rough-housing could be a teaching mechanism rather than just a testosterone-laden way of bonding! Mikki has included research from many different child experts and provides a concise synopsis of ways to lessen the effects of the tough realities that we can't avoid.
This book is a must-read and has a place of honor on my reference shelf.
This book is a MUST for any woman considering single motherhood by choice. In today's world, many women are choosing to have a child without having a life partner. There are many issues to consider and the author covers them all. The book discusses the logistical aspects which include making the choice, legal issues, and choosing the method to become pregnant or adopt. The book also covers the emotional and delicate issues: Can I handle being a single mother? How will my family and friends react? How will I tell my child about their conception? Will my child be accepted? The book is informative, funny, honest and well-researched. It's a book to read and to keep as a reference for any woman choosing to be a "choice mom."
I received this book on Friday and was done reading it by the following Monday. It was well written and ridiculously helpful. I have chosen to take the route of being a single mother, and this is the first book I've read that looks at all aspects (including being a single lesbian mother) as well as providing suggestions of other books to read (which I have ordered recently as well.) I highly recommend this book for any womyn that is debating the question of Single Motherhood. The book is full of insightful questions that really made me stop and think about whether I was truly ready for this next step. It is a must read!
This book answered a lot of my questions and gave me a lot to think about. I enjoyed all the different opinions and situations. It was also a great read. It would be wise for all single women who want children to read this book.
This is a GREAT book. I bought it when I was tired of thinking to myself, "I want a child" and not really researched how to do it alone. I wasn't sure, I had SO many questions, and I wanted to hear about how it was sucessfully done! I RECOMEND this book to any single woman who wants to do this on her own! Now... if I can just convince my mother :)
Light on humor and heavy on the serious issues surrounding single motherhood. Too much for one sitting, but I'll keep it as a resource. In my experience, some of the issues, such as being judged by one's community for being a single mom, are not as relevant today, at least in my area. If you're secure in your decision to be a single mom, others will take their cue from you.
S. Very nice that you and your ex-girlfriend are figuring out a way to share time with the child, without the courts. Much of this book does relate to a woman's concerns about being a single parent, how to, and what they lose by not having a father in their life, and growing up in a single parent... Read more
